Communication problem, and now he has pulled back

[poppyfields]

Bling, you wrote "dating is hard work."  

No, long term relationships can be hard work, dating should be easy and fun!  

The way you are fighting for this situationship for dear life, essentially refusing to let go, one would assume this was a long term relationship of many years. 

It's not, you were dating and never even reached the exclusivity stage.

I am trying to understand your mind frame here but having difficulty.  I mean, I get things were great at first, he showed interest and there was lots of potential.

But what I dont think you understand or maybe you do but don't want to admit to yourself is that in these early stages, feelings can change on a dime.  It's all very precarious and uncertain. 

One day you're IN, the next day you're OUT, sometimes literally that fast.

There is no rhyme or reason, it's just the nature of dating.

Time to let go Bling, seriously.  I'm sorry things didn't work out. 

 

Edited October 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I am getting the impression BlingRing is very picky and the men she’s interested in are few and far between, which is why she is still entertaining this dork. 
 

I used to be  interested in only very specific thing. After getting into relationships with that, I realized it wasn’t actually what I wanted at all. Giving other people a chance sometimes makes you realize things you like that you never expected. Just my experience 

I definitely think you need to do some work on yourself, though. This person isn’t treating you right. He’s being mean to you. How could a healthy, happy relationship ever come from this. Why would you tolerate being treated like that from anyone? 

 

[TheBlingRing14]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I am getting the impression BlingRing is very picky and the men she’s interested in are few and far between, which is why she is still entertaining this dork. 
 

I used to be  interested in only very specific thing. After getting into relationships with that, I realized it wasn’t actually what I wanted at all. Giving other people a chance sometimes makes you realize things you like that you never expected. Just my experience 

I definitely think you need to do some work on yourself, though. This person isn’t treating you right. He’s being mean to you. How could a healthy, happy relationship ever come from this. Why would you tolerate being treated like that from anyone? 

 

No no no, far from it. 

The minimal interest I get is from people who are 1) asking for nudes/sex within 5-10 messages of talking 2) Too old/too young 3) Not attractive  4.) From Guam, Ecuador, or some other country overseas. 5.) Trailing waaaaaay in the back, way back there...is normal guys. 

Now, I am sure many would focus on #3. Here is the thing. I am not a shallow person. If I can find even one redeemable quality about a guy, chances are good I will find him attractive or grow to find him attractive. Most of the guys I have dated have been on the, what I would say, less attractive side of the scale, at least probably by other people's standards. But, I don't care because I think they are great, I find them attractive. In college, I made the mistake of dating a guy who I found wholly unattractive. Because I didn't want to be a shallow jerk. It wasn't just that I wasn't attracted...that's one thing...but I was severely unattracted. I gave it the good ol college try, and being physical actually revolted me. Never again. So, when I am saying someone is not attractive, I mean someone that is clearly, clearly, above and beyond unattractive. No redeeming qualities. 

Not to delve too far down the rabbit hole of my psyche but I will say this......I don't think two people have to be the same or like the same things BUT...I do find that the kinds of guys that I attract (and likewise, feel attracted to) are very similar to me, in personality. Introverted, awkward, socially inept, maybe low emotional IQ. All of the guys I've ever dated have been that way. BUT...at the same time, I feel much closer and bonded to them than I imagine I could with someone of a different personality. I get them, and they get me in a way that other people just don't. We (me and the guys, not me and him) are nerdy and passionate and curious and read...a lot...which leads to some very deep, interesting conversations. BUT, the problem with this....and this is something I have experienced multiple times with multiple men....is when you have two introverted, awkward overthinkers in a relationship (or dating situation), you have two people overthinking, trying to read tones, parsing texts, parsing words, second guessing...well it leads to tons of communications problems. Which is why I think communication is such a problem for me, historically. 

So...it's almost like.....these people whom I feel so comfortable with, so kindred with, the people whom I feel like I can get closest to, are the people I have so much trouble with getting on the same page communications-wise. 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Oh I see.  Picky  doesn’t have to mean into only a good or widely desirable things.  I have a friend that I would describe as picky. She goes for the rough,  bonehead type that look like they just left the pen.

 

  But it makes more sense now that you’ve explained you are attracted to guys that are socially inept. Well, I wouldn’t say that you are in the same boat at all. You seem like you have emotional/social intelligence. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

No no no, far from it. 

The minimal interest I get is from people who are 1) asking for nudes/sex within 5-10 messages of talking 2) Too old/too young 3) Not attractive  4.) From Guam, Ecuador, or some other country overseas. 5.) Trailing waaaaaay in the back, way back there...is normal guys.

You need to get on some quality (paid) dating apps with a good profile and pics and screen much better than this.

For example, your distance settings should not include overseas. Your age settings should not be this wide open. 

Sadly you are creating your own headaches by seemingly self-sabotaging your dating life.

You seem to do everything you can to set yourself up to fail.

Unfortunately it seems like you are not ready to date. You seem to have too many internal conflicts that are simply expressed in verbose and defeatist terms.

 

[TheBlingRing14]

18 hours ago, Selkie1111 said:

Seriously, honey, listen to people's advice - block/delete and move on. You deserve far better than this. You sound like a decent person. The best relationship you can ever have is with yourself. Work on that and on your insecurities. You will then become more likely to attract a potential partner who makes your heart sing.

I am baffled as to what the hell you currently find attractive about this creep. He just comes across as a total w*nker to me - one who is enjoying getting his little rocks off by wielding this pathetic power trip over you. He is an emotional bully, who has spotted your vulnerabilities, and is exploiting them to the fullest. I do believe that if you hang on to this poor excuse for a potential 'partner' - it could all very well end up descending into an abusive relationship, with you on the receiving end. Toss this back in the sea - and take your power back.

The key word here is *currently* No, I don't like the person I have been dealing with the last couple of weeks. I don't find anything about it or the way he has acted attractive. 

But...I am grieving for and missing the guy I've been talking to for the last 6 months, never once behaving like this before. The guy I have been seeing the last 3 months, again, never once behaving like this before. It isn't like these red flags have been cropping up over time. It isn't like this is a pattern of behavior that's been going on, on and off, for weeks now. It's difficult for me to just discard THAT guy that I knew and was so crazy about. It's hard for me to have this huge catalog of interactions, 6 months worth, in which things were great....and just realize that things have just changed, on a dime. 

 

As to blocking and deleting...again, sorry for the deep dive into the psyche. I have never deleted or blocked a guy out of my life. Ever. (Except for the random creepers that you tend to get online, asking for money, nudes, and other things) Not the guy I traveled halfway around the world for that turned me down. Not the guy who broke my heart. Not my ex. Not even the guy who almost hit me in a fit of rage. Not even him. Some of them, I have remained friends with. Some of them, I have not. I just don't like shutting doors or burning bridges. 

I have learned in life, romantically and unromantically, you never know who you are going to stay in contact with and who you won't. The people you are closest with in the whole world might be people that you don't talk to for years. The people that you never really liked, might become the people you keep most in touch with. So, like I said, I don't like closing those doors.

You see, I am a person of faith. I am also a believer in one of the great cinematic masterpieces of our time: "Life finds a way." You never know when someone may change their mind or change their life. You never know when someone is going to break up with someone. You never know when they are going to need a friend. Or you are. For example, this guy that I used to date...we were friendly with each other afterwards...not romantic at all, but friendly. He helped me, as a friend, through a very difficult breakup. I have helped him, as a friend, through some rough patches in his marriage. 

It's the same reason why I don't want kids, but I also wouldn't want my husband getting a vasectomy and for me to get my tubes tied. Even though I may not actively make something happen (or not happen), I don't want to close the doors either. I want God/the universe/fate/The Force, whatever you believe in, to determine what happens in my life. 

So, while I will probably move on and look for someone new....I won't be blocking him or deleting him. I never have before, and he certainly isn't going to be the first. 

[Curiousroxy86]

On 10/13/2020 at 8:30 AM, TheBlingRing14 said:

but can you think of anything else? Can you think of anything else that could have him pulling back so much? 

When you did NOTHING wrong and he is mad...the answer isn’t trying to figure out why he is mad. He is a grown man and can handle his own feelings. The more you trying to fix and make it better only makes him more mad and lose respect for you at the same time. Toxic guys also feed off that “please don’t be mad at me energy”. So you never want to encourage this. Imagine. Here you are trying to make it better and make him feel better and be the best girlfriend you can be and all that does is encourage him to like you less lol. Trust me. The answer is to let it go. 

[Miss Spider]

Oh I see. I didn’t know you’re relationship was so extensive. I wouldn’t “see” someone for 6 months if I wanted an LTR. Anyway, it sucks that he changed. I agree that there really is no point in blocking or deleting unless the person is going to bug you. Was your correspondence mostly online or over the phone? How many actual in person meetings did you have? Sorry if I missed this.

[TheBlingRing14]

SATURDAY UPDATE

This will likely be the last update for a while, maybe forever. 

Well.....I'm ready to move on. It sucks but....I have no choice. 

Getting ghosted is no fun. 

I will give you a brief overview of the last few days. He initiated on Tuesday. He was in a decent mood until I called him out for not responding to my phone call from Monday. (The call-out was gentle, and not a ranting and raving one). Then, he was out. So, I messaged him on Wednesday. He replied quickly. The conversation went relatively well. Not swimmingly, but not horrible. I would consider it a positive one. Until the very end when he said, "It's after midnight, I need to go to bed soon." Under normal circumstances, this would be a perfectly normal request, one I wouldn't be bothered by. But, the last 2 weeks have been far from normal circumstances. But, be that as it may, we ended the conversation that night. Fine. 

He hasn't reached out since. Nothing Thursday. Nothing Friday. Nothing yet today. I called last night to try to reach him by phone and got his voicemail. Which is fine. Except I still haven't heard from him. So, like I said...I have no choice. 

The one thing I am slightly worried about is I have a computer repair appointment in his city. I'm not particularly worried that I will run into him. It's a big enough city....I should be able to avoid him easy enough. But, I'm thinking more from an emotional perspective....thinking of how close I am, all the places we could have gone, all the things we didn't have a chance to do. I am sure it will hit me pretty hard. So, I'll definitely need the strength to persevere. 

If there are any updates or any sort of closure, I will be happy to post. But...for now, it looks like it's onward. 

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

SATURDAY UPDATE

This will likely be the last update for a while, maybe forever. 

Well.....I'm ready to move on. It sucks but....I have no choice. 

Getting ghosted is no fun. 

I will give you a brief overview of the last few days. He initiated on Tuesday. He was in a decent mood until I called him out for not responding to my phone call from Monday. (The call-out was gentle, and not a ranting and raving one). Then, he was out. So, I messaged him on Wednesday. He replied quickly. The conversation went relatively well. Not swimmingly, but not horrible. I would consider it a positive one. Until the very end when he said, "It's after midnight, I need to go to bed soon." Under normal circumstances, this would be a perfectly normal request, one I wouldn't be bothered by. But, the last 2 weeks have been far from normal circumstances. But, be that as it may, we ended the conversation that night. Fine. 

He hasn't reached out since. Nothing Thursday. Nothing Friday. Nothing yet today. I called last night to try to reach him by phone and got his voicemail. Which is fine. Except I still haven't heard from him. So, like I said...I have no choice. 

The one thing I am slightly worried about is I have a computer repair appointment in his city. I'm not particularly worried that I will run into him. It's a big enough city....I should be able to avoid him easy enough. But, I'm thinking more from an emotional perspective....thinking of how close I am, all the places we could have gone, all the things we didn't have a chance to do. I am sure it will hit me pretty hard. So, I'll definitely need the strength to persevere. 

If there are any updates or any sort of closure, I will be happy to post. But...for now, it looks like it's onward. 

Getting ghosted is no fun but it's his way of telling you to let go. You're hanging on way too tight to a guy who let go a long time ago.
You know that if he really wanted to continue to date you, he would have answered your phone call Thursday, or at the very least, called you back Friday or texted you back.

Take your computer to get repaired. Who gives a s*** if that's the city he lives in. Don't give him so much power over you.

Time to move onward and that means deleting him from your online social media and your cellphone. That's when you've truly let go of him.

[TheBlingRing14]

4 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Getting ghosted is no fun but it's his way of telling you to let go. You're hanging on way too tight to a guy who let go a long time ago.
You know that if he really wanted to continue to date you, he would have answered your phone call Thursday, or at the very least, called you back Friday or texted you back.

Take your computer to get repaired. Who gives a s*** if that's the city he lives in. Don't give him so much power over you.

Time to move onward and that means deleting him from your online social media and your cellphone. That's when you've truly let go of him.

 

You know what's so funny/frustrating though? (Depending on how you look at it) 

He and I have actually talked about ghosting before. He talked about how ghosting is for immature boys (or girls I guess) and that an adult is up front and forthright. He even talked about how if things ever ran their course with us, he would be a grown up and discuss it with me, and he hoped that I would do the same, which I said I would. 

This was months ago, and it was just during a conversation about the pitfalls of modern dating. And, I shared with him a story of being ghosted and what not. I don't think he was "preparing" me to be dumped or anything. 

It's just so strange that this person who seemed to be too mature to pull crap like this......is now pulling crap like this. 

[Watercolors]

11 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

It's just so strange that this person who seemed to be too mature to pull crap like this......is now pulling crap like this. 

That's the very definition of 'irony.'

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

You know what's so funny/frustrating though? (Depending on how you look at it) 

He and I have actually talked about ghosting before. He talked about how ghosting is for immature boys (or girls I guess) and that an adult is up front and forthright. He even talked about how if things ever ran their course with us, he would be a grown up and discuss it with me, and he hoped that I would do the same, which I said I would. 

This was months ago, and it was just during a conversation about the pitfalls of modern dating. And, I shared with him a story of being ghosted and what not. I don't think he was "preparing" me to be dumped or anything. 

It's just so strange that this person who seemed to be too mature to pull crap like this......is now pulling crap like this. 

If he was talking about it he was thinking about it. Please just stop talking to this guy. Completely stop. He’s a horse’s ass.

[pinkpaw]

6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

You know what's so funny/frustrating though? (Depending on how you look at it) 

He and I have actually talked about ghosting before. He talked about how ghosting is for immature boys (or girls I guess) and that an adult is up front and forthright. He even talked about how if things ever ran their course with us, he would be a grown up and discuss it with me, and he hoped that I would do the same, which I said I would. 

This was months ago, and it was just during a conversation about the pitfalls of modern dating. And, I shared with him a story of being ghosted and what not. I don't think he was "preparing" me to be dumped or anything. 

It's just so strange that this person who seemed to be too mature to pull crap like this......is now pulling crap like this. 

It's a dismay when people turn out to be disappointments. The cognitive dissonance is frustrating. I feel ya. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

He initiated on Tuesday. He was in a decent mood until I called him out for not responding to my phone call from Monday.

, I messaged him on Wednesday. He replied quickly. The conversation went relatively well.

He hasn't reached out since. Nothing Thursday. Nothing Friday. Nothing yet today. I called last night to try to reach him by phone and got his voicemail. 

Sorry to hear that. It's been trailing off for a while now. There's been no dates or attempts to get together.

It sounds like you are both fed up with each other. Calling him out about not responding ASAP? It's really time to throw in the towel.

Next time, focus on in person dating. This text banter nonsense is not dating.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

He and I have actually talked about ghosting before. He talked about how ghosting is for immature boys (or girls I guess) and that an adult is up front and forthright. He even talked about how if things ever ran their course with us, he would be a grown up and discuss it with me, and he hoped that I would do the same, which I said I would. 

This was months ago, and it was just during a conversation about the pitfalls of modern dating. And, I shared with him a story of being ghosted and what not. I don't think he was "preparing" me to be dumped or anything. 

It's just so strange that this person who seemed to be too mature to pull crap like this......is now pulling crap like this. 

That happens a lot. In fact, it happens so much that I've learned not to believe the things people say about themselves. Judge people (if you must) by their actions. Words really mean little.

[Allupinnit]

On 10/25/2020 at 7:33 AM, Acacia98 said:

That happens a lot. In fact, it happens so much that I've learned not to believe the things people say about themselves. Judge people (if you must) by their actions. Words really mean little.

Yes.  I find that also, people who insist they hate drama are the MOST dramatic individuals.  You don't really have to complain about drama if you're not wrapped up in dramatic relationships. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 10/22/2020 at 8:02 PM, TheBlingRing14 said:

No no no, far from it. 

The minimal interest I get is from people who are 1) asking for nudes/sex within 5-10 messages of talking 2) Too old/too young 3) Not attractive  4.) From Guam, Ecuador, or some other country overseas. 5.) Trailing waaaaaay in the back, way back there...is normal guys. 

Now, I am sure many would focus on #3. Here is the thing. I am not a shallow person. If I can find even one redeemable quality about a guy, chances are good I will find him attractive or grow to find him attractive. Most of the guys I have dated have been on the, what I would say, less attractive side of the scale, at least probably by other people's standards. But, I don't care because I think they are great, I find them attractive. In college, I made the mistake of dating a guy who I found wholly unattractive. Because I didn't want to be a shallow jerk. It wasn't just that I wasn't attracted...that's one thing...but I was severely unattracted. I gave it the good ol college try, and being physical actually revolted me. Never again. So, when I am saying someone is not attractive, I mean someone that is clearly, clearly, above and beyond unattractive. No redeeming qualities. 

Not to delve too far down the rabbit hole of my psyche but I will say this......I don't think two people have to be the same or like the same things BUT...I do find that the kinds of guys that I attract (and likewise, feel attracted to) are very similar to me, in personality. Introverted, awkward, socially inept, maybe low emotional IQ. All of the guys I've ever dated have been that way. BUT...at the same time, I feel much closer and bonded to them than I imagine I could with someone of a different personality. I get them, and they get me in a way that other people just don't. We (me and the guys, not me and him) are nerdy and passionate and curious and read...a lot...which leads to some very deep, interesting conversations. BUT, the problem with this....and this is something I have experienced multiple times with multiple men....is when you have two introverted, awkward overthinkers in a relationship (or dating situation), you have two people overthinking, trying to read tones, parsing texts, parsing words, second guessing...well it leads to tons of communications problems. Which is why I think communication is such a problem for me, historically. 

So...it's almost like.....these people whom I feel so comfortable with, so kindred with, the people whom I feel like I can get closest to, are the people I have so much trouble with getting on the same page communications-wise. 

 

 

I might have missed this, but what apps do you use?

Given the above, I sure wouldn't expect selecting relatively few to be considered to be ridiculously picky.

Edited October 26, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

Yes.  I find that also, people who insist they hate drama are the MOST dramatic individuals.  You don't really have to complain about drama if you're not wrapped up in dramatic relationships. 

Truth.

[TheBlingRing14]

16 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

I might have missed this, but what apps do you use?

Given the above, I sure wouldn't expect selecting relatively few to be considered to be ridiculously picky.

Tinder, Bumble, Match.com, POF, a couple of FB groups

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Tinder, Bumble, Match.com, POF, a couple of FB groups

Well you're scraping the bottom of the barrel with POF so you should delete your profile off of that. I don't know Bumble at all. Tinder is a hookup site and Match is hit or miss. FB is a whole other can of worms b/c there's a lot of fake profiles on FB.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Delete your data from all the free apps.

Get a well written profile and  good recent pics on some quality (paid) dating apps.

The more creeps that swipe around and see your face everywhere, the more desperate and looking for hookups you appear.

Use discretion. Don't over advertise.

[TheBlingRing14]

Just wanted to check in to let you guys know...I am alive. 

I've gone pretty hard and heavy on the dating thing which....it's one of those things that 80% of the people you DO connect with don't really pan out. So, to me, there is strength in numbers. I currently have 7 or 8 guys that have escalated to exchanging numbers side of things. Like I said, it doesn't usually pan out. Most of them have fizzled out pretty quickly. A couple of others have fizzled out a little bit more slowly. I had a date planned for yesterday which....crapped the bed. And, I do have another date planned for next week that I am actually quite excited about. 

I will say this whole exercise has just cemented the fact to me that I am no good at multi-dating. I find it hard enough to keep things straight just in the initial talking phase...I cannot imagine dating 3 or 4 or 5 guys.....getting mixed up on who you told what stories to....or what stories they told me. I remember one time, I was talking about my sister with the guy I was dating, and he says, "The one that lives in Nashville right?" And I just gave him a weird look and said, "Nooo?" And you could see this look come over his face like, "Whoops." You could visibly see the moment that he realized...wrong one. Anyway, that would most assuredly be me. Faux pas-ing all over the place. 

None of these guys, even the one I have a date planned with, are guys that I think have any potential for anything more than the short-term. But, they are good enough for now...enough to get Stella her groove back, so to speak. Enough for me to practice my communication and practice being more direct. And who knows.....maybe eventually, one of the guys I talk to will work out. 

I am on Day 7 of having heard nothing from the Ghost. It's really to the point that when I get a text, I don't expect to see his name there. I fully expect it to be someone else. I actually stopped expecting to see his name very early on. It's sad, but it is what it is. 

[TheBlingRing14]

On 10/14/2020 at 10:36 AM, TheBlingRing14 said:

The next issue is he asked me 4 or 5 times where I was. And, I wouldn't tell him. I did eventually, but my initial responses were that "It doesn't matter." Because, honestly, it didn't matter. I could be a mile away, 100 miles away, in Timbuktu, the fact remained that he was already at work, and I didn't want him to feel obligated to re-arrange his day for me. Now, if he CHOSE to, that would be one thing. But, I didn't want him to feel obligated to. So, I think probably the fact that I wouldn't tell him where I was, several times, probably only added to the irritability. 

 

One more thing....this is something I have been thinking about. 

I assumed that it was because he just wanted to see how far along I was, and he felt bad that I had gone out of my way, and if I was almost there, he was gonna make other plans. 

 

The more and more I thought about it.....the more I am thinking that maybe that wasn't it at all. Maybe he just wanted to make sure I wasn't almost to his house, or at his house. Maybe there was a woman there, still at his house, and he wanted to make sure I didn't see her. Or that she didn't see me. Either way. 

No point in lingering on it, though. 

 

[Versacehottie]

6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

One more thing....this is something I have been thinking about. 

I assumed that it was because he just wanted to see how far along I was, and he felt bad that I had gone out of my way, and if I was almost there, he was gonna make other plans. 

 

The more and more I thought about it.....the more I am thinking that maybe that wasn't it at all. Maybe he just wanted to make sure I wasn't almost to his house, or at his house. Maybe there was a woman there, still at his house, and he wanted to make sure I didn't see her. Or that she didn't see me. Either way. 

No point in lingering on it, though. 

 

i thought this might be why he kept asking you where you were & was irritated that you wouldn't tell him.  Ok, interesting thread.  While it's over, one important thing I got from it that you can work on (same as your other thread) is stop trying so hard. Even with your other thread, you are doing virtually the same things, just swung the other way on some spectrum.  Try to  Just have fun and have that be the only goal for the handful of first dates.  Think like a friend that you feel flirty towards.  It will probably take off some of the pressure you put on yourself and that causes all the manipulations and overthinking.  And yes you can and should do the multi-dating for the same reason.  Lots of things you can do for your overthinking--look into that in the meantime.

I think you have a funny, witty personality--it's in your writing with good jokes and one liners.  Don't let all this other stuff get in the way.  Good luck