Communication problem, and now he has pulled back

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Okay mayday, mayday. 

So, he texted me and asked me how my evening was. 

I'm torn with what to do (and no, not in a playing games kind of way). It's late. But....obviously I am still awake. But, again....it's late. Do I want to start a conversation with him this late?

Or do I wait till tomorrow?

You should have answered him then.  You screwed this up for the 3rd time.  

All of the advice you asked me for & I have you in the PM is INVALID because I didn't know this when I replied.  

You are incapable of being direct.  

[TheBlingRing14]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What was your reply?  And why all the overthinking?  All he did was ask how your evening was.

 

 

It wasn't so much to content of the text, so much as the timing of it. I was getting ready to go to bed, but obviously, not asleep yet. I didn't know how deep the conversation would get, if I would get into the apology part of things, but I didn't know if doing a deep-dive apology at nearly midnight was the best way to go. 

 

 

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Perfect.  Now try and chill, the door has opened a crack, this is good! .  Let him attempt to open in wider!  

Patience.  Patience.  Patience.

Go for a run or brisk walk, calm the brain. 

Thanks....I'm not a runner, but I do appreciate the thought. I am actually back at work today, so my brain has been kept pretty occupied. I don't know that I would say it is calm, but....it is occupied. 

[TheBlingRing14]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

Even though your initial reaction (what do I do, do I wait to respond, etc.) was off, I think your actual text response was fine.  Since he asked you a question he should have been available to read your response and then answer your question.  My guess is he isn't ready to completely throw in the towel with you, but he's still feeling impatient/frustrated and decided he didn't want to do the polite back and forth about your day, even though he's the one that started it.

My original advice was to back off and give him space.  But since that's not improving things, maybe you should issue an invitation to get together, being specific about where and when.  If he goes for it, then be sure to put all the advice about being clear and not playing games into practice.  Unless and until things get back on track for you guys, don't even think about trying to be cute or playful.

If he ignores the invitation, then I would let it go.  Don't reach out again.  Work on accepting that this just isn't going to work out between you and move on.   

Thank you for your advice. 

The bold part is the part that is so frustrating. Why even reach out if you aren't planning to continue the conversation? What is even the point? 

I am thumbs upping the second bold part. That is definitely my wheelhouse....Insecurity technique? Probably. Defense mechanism? Maybe. So, I just need to make a conscientious effort to NOT do it when I am feeling like being like that. Like you said, unless and until. Hopefully, step by step, I can get back to "on track."

 

[TheBlingRing14]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You should have answered him then.  You screwed this up for the 3rd time.  

All of the advice you asked me for & I have you in the PM is INVALID because I didn't know this when I replied.  

You are incapable of being direct.  

I am sorry, but I can't see what I did to screw this up. I texted him 10 minutes after I saw his message. It isn't like I waited 4 hours and delayed it on purpose. Yes, I came here to see if I should talk to him despite it being so late, or wait to have a conversation today when we are both awake. 

BUT, ultimately, I made the decision to go ahead and text him back last night, so....isn't that a good thing? Isn't it a good thing that I made the right choice?

[TheBlingRing14]

MONDAY UPDATE:

I have not heard from him yet today. Which is fine, as I am back to work and busy getting caught up. Haven't had much time to look at the phone. But, it also rules out him falling asleep last night as the reason he did not respond, even though he was the one who initiated in the first place. 

So I guess.....anyone's guess at this point. 

[Miss Spider]

You didn’t screw anything up and he’s ate up if he got bent out of shape over a simple misunderstanding. 
 

Think about it. If you’re having this much trouble at the beginning stages and setting up a date, what’s he gonna be like when the honeymoons over

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

, ultimately, I made the decision to go ahead and text him back last night, so....isn't that a good thing? Isn't it a good thing that I made the right choice?

yes, yes, yes. I'm sorry I misunderstood & thought you were waiting 

 

Don't worry about not hearing yet today it's a work day.  Do make that call & extend the invite to dinner soon

Edited October 19, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Allupinnit]

I'll just say any time I had this much angst over a man my gut was telling me something, and I, like you, would retreat to the internet before answering a simple text, trying to construct the perfect response, etc.  

Every single time the guy just wasn't THAT into me and the more I threw myself into the sitch the more turned off the guy got.  Maybe that's why you play games; you sense the low interest and try to manipulate the situation to benefit yourself and gain the upper hand.

Real love with the right person is nothing like this.

[dispatch3d]

I mean, in general you need to relax a little. Guys initially aren't going to text you 10 times a day naturally. When he reaches out etc. be more receptive to his advances - accept dates, show up to them, respond to text messages quickly, etc.

 

That said I'm noping out of this guy. You've put a lot of effort into things, he doesn't seem to have done the same.

 

You also can't reject 3 dates? I lost count to be honest the number of times you cancelled dates. Every one of those cancellations usually hit the male ego, until the guy just says screw this isn't worth the emotional turmoil.

[Acacia98]

On 10/19/2020 at 6:29 AM, TheBlingRing14 said:

It's late. But....obviously I am still awake. But, again....it's late. Do I want to start a conversation with him this late?

Or do I wait till tomorrow?

I realize you've already responded to him. So this is more of a general response. In future, if you find yourself in this type of situation, if he has no way of knowing you're online, it is okay to wait until the next day to send a message. If he can see that you're online, you can simply send a short response to his question, letting him know you had a good day, hoping he did too, and then saying you can't talk much now because you're off to bed, but you'd be happy to chat more tomorrow (or whenever). That way, it's clear that you're not just ignoring him, and you can save more serious conversation for a better time.

Edited October 20, 2020 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

On 10/19/2020 at 6:47 AM, Watercolors said:

Late night texts like this are a red flag for me, personally. I've received these from guys I was getting to know. All it means is, they're bored, and they want you to entertain them via text message. Sorry, but my sleep (and my time) is more important to me than texting back and forth with some guy I barely know late at night.

This has been my personal experience too. I have found that the guys who send messages at odd hours and actually expect an immediate response turn out to be lousy at respecting others' boundaries. (In my experience. I can't speak for anyone else.)

In retrospect, this hasn't just happened with guys and dating. It's even happened with friends and relatives. 

Edited October 20, 2020 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

As to last night, my reasoning for reaching out here is in the past, I have replied either to hastily or too quickly. And then people say, you should have said this, you should have said that. But....by then, it's too late. And then, I have been told, hey before you send anything, just reach out and run it by someone first. So, this was me running it by someone. 

 

Sometimes listening to people's advice will get you condemned by the same people who gave it to you.

Edited October 20, 2020 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you started out by texting for weeks on end before meeting.

Sadly this etched "Texting is dating" into your brain so deeply in this case that every texting nuance and issue or non-issue becomes this monumental drama.

Real life dating and real life communication just isn't like that 

[TheBlingRing14]

TUESDAY Update

I don't want to give up, because I really do like him very much. But...at this point, I'm just exhausted. 

The positive: 

Last night, I was direct and when my instinct was to be "cute and playful" with my responses, I answered clearly and directly. I am under no delusions that I am magically cured of my ways, but....with baby steps, I will hopefully get to a much better place. 

He did text me some yesterday evening....so yeah, he is leaving the door open a crack. But at this point, I wish he'd just either open the door or slam it in my face. This brings me to

The negative:

Based on the suggestions in this thread and my own desire to make sure that I came across clear and that words weren't mis-construed, I decided to give him a call. No answer, went to voicemail. Okay, no big deal. So, I left a direct, non-playful, concise voicemail. Essentially asking him to call me. 

Less than 5 minutes later, he texts me "Did you just call me?" which I replied that I had. He asked if it was a good time for a call. I said it was. And....crickets. No call. Not only was there no call, there was no text either. No..."Sorry I can't talk right now, but I'll call later" or "I'm in the middle of something, but can I call you tomorrow?" or....anything. Or even just "ok." Nothing. 

And...nothing yet today. Listen, I know I screwed up. I know I've screwed up multiple times. But, this feels like a lot more's going on than being upset over a miscommunication last Monday. 

 

 

[FMW]

15 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

He asked if it was a good time for a call. I said it was. And....crickets.

There's no excuse for that, that's incredibly rude.  He seems to be the one playing games now.  

[Miss Spider]

You didn’t screw up though . He’s just not as into it as you seem to be. When guys are into it, you know . They don’t ignore you or start stuff over trivial things. When they are into it, usually you can’t beat them off with a stick. They bend over backwards for it. That day you misunderstood and said you were coming over, if he was into it , there’s a good chance he would have made an  excuse the day off work. That’s how guys into it act. Why do you need the door slammed in your face? Take all the blatant hints he’s giving, ie. being rude, ignoring your calls. He’s not into it 

[TheBlingRing14]

7 minutes ago, FMW said:

There's no excuse for that, that's incredibly rude.  He seems to be the one playing games now.  

Yeah, no kidding. But, I am on such thin ice from last week, I don't know that I really am in such a good place to call him out right now. Yes, I want to tell him..."Hey, this is not okay."

 

Oh....what the actual eff. He just texted me. Ready for this gem?

"Sup?" 

Which....1) He has never said "Sup" in the several weeks we've talked. Ever. Not one time.    2) That is about the lamest, weakest attempt at a greeting I can even imagine. Even "What's up?" lame as it may be, requires at least a tad more effort than "Sup?"

[Miss Spider]

It is just another way to say hello. Nothing wrong with it. I don’t think he was going for anything as high effort and meaningful as you seem to think he should have been

Edited October 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[TheBlingRing14]

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It is just another way to say hello. Nothing wrong with it. I don’t think he was going for anything as high effort and meaningful as you seem to think he should have been

Yes, except last week, when I messaged him "Hey," he gave me grief saying "Is this how you start your conversations?"

Seems pretty rich to judge me on "Hey" when he is willing to drop a "Sup" into the mix. 

 

Edited October 21, 2020 by TheBlingRing14

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Yes, except last week, when I messaged him "Hey," he gave me grief saying "Is this how you start your conversations?"

Seems pretty rich to judge me on "Hey" when he is willing to drop a "Sup" into the mix. 

 

Wow ... he sounds like a total doucher. Why do you like him again? Lol

 

That comments almost makes me think he reads PUA negging advice or something. 

[FMW]

Exactly.  Context is everything.

Right now he seems to just be checking to see if you're still responding and trying to make a passive aggressive point with you. 

I don't know what I'd do at this point if I were you.  I understand your frustration, that's why I get the feeling he's doing it on purpose.  

 

[TheBlingRing14]

Yeah, it's definitely intentional at this point. 

So I decided to call him out (in a very non-confrontational, calm way). I just said that I had asked him to call me back, and if he couldn't that's fine, but it would have been nice if he at the very least just didn't leave me hanging. I feel like that is pretty direct, but not really over the top or rude, right? It's about improving communication. 

His response? "K."

So, I then changed the subject. I told him I was sorry he had so many work meetings today. "No worries. Ttyl"

So, it's feeling very, very intentional, at least from where I'm sitting. 

Is it possible he's just not into me? Sure. More than possible, it's probable. Likely at this point, yes. 

Is it possible that he is playing some sort of Jedi Mind Trick games? Who knows. But, I'm thinking yes. 

Probably a bit of both. 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

You know what, bling? You sound really really excited about this guy and I can’t be mad. I know you’re going through it, but I mean no disrespect when I say this whole situation makes me smile. I miss being this excited about someone. The uncertainty. The butterflies. Waiting for the next move.  It’s an intoxicating feeling. Wish someone would “game” me into feeling that way... (if that’s what’s happening) 

 

hope you don’t let him disrespect you with his antics or anything  though. I’m sure you have harder boundaries and you are just having a little fun with it. Please keep us updated on this !!!

 

Edited October 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Yeah, it's definitely intentional at this point. 

So I decided to call him out (in a very non-confrontational, calm way). I just said that I had asked him to call me back, and if he couldn't that's fine, but it would have been nice if he at the very least just didn't leave me hanging. I feel like that is pretty direct, but not really over the top or rude, right? It's about improving communication. 

His response? "K."

So, I then changed the subject. I told him I was sorry he had so many work meetings today. "No worries. Ttyl"

So, it's feeling very, very intentional, at least from where I'm sitting. 

Is it possible he's just not into me? Sure. More than possible, it's probable. Likely at this point, yes. 

Is it possible that he is playing some sort of Jedi Mind Trick games? Who knows. But, I'm thinking yes. 

Probably a bit of both. 

 

 

***We interrupt this thread. This is a test of the emergency Loveshack Thread system. Your text messages and voicemails have not been taken seriously by this guy, b/c he is a narcissistic douche bag. This is an alert from the emergency broadcast system. Do not continue wasting your time texting or calling this idiot. He just wants the attention you give him. He doesn't respect your feelings. He is not interested in anything serious with you. This has been an alert from the emergency broadcast system. Had this been an actual emergency, an official message from the blogs of the Internet on how-to-avoid-players would have been broadcasted to you.This is only a test.***

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

TUESDAY Update

I don't want to give up, because I really do like him very much. But...at this point, I'm just exhausted. 

The positive: 

Last night, I was direct and when my instinct was to be "cute and playful" with my responses, I answered clearly and directly. I am under no delusions that I am magically cured of my ways, but....with baby steps, I will hopefully get to a much better place. 

He did text me some yesterday evening....so yeah, he is leaving the door open a crack. But at this point, I wish he'd just either open the door or slam it in my face. This brings me to

The negative:

Based on the suggestions in this thread and my own desire to make sure that I came across clear and that words weren't mis-construed, I decided to give him a call. No answer, went to voicemail. Okay, no big deal. So, I left a direct, non-playful, concise voicemail. Essentially asking him to call me. 

Less than 5 minutes later, he texts me "Did you just call me?" which I replied that I had. He asked if it was a good time for a call. I said it was. And....crickets. No call. Not only was there no call, there was no text either. No..."Sorry I can't talk right now, but I'll call later" or "I'm in the middle of something, but can I call you tomorrow?" or....anything. Or even just "ok." Nothing. 

And...nothing yet today. Listen, I know I screwed up. I know I've screwed up multiple times. But, this feels like a lot more's going on than being upset over a miscommunication last Monday. 

 

 

In all seriousness, I've received texts like this from a specific guy last year I felt led me on to believe he was romantically interested in me, but he never was. He just liked the attention that I gave him on Facebook and via text message. Any attempt I made to interact with him in a normal way, was met with baloney like the one-word text message, after I'd call and leave a voicemail. Sometimes, he'd wait hours to respond to a voicemail I left, with a text message like, "Saw you called. Is it an emergency?" Very rude. Very passive-aggressive. Very manipulative. Very much a red flag showing me that he wasn't interested in me and didn't respect me. 

At this point, you need to cut and run. You are his source of attention. His behavior is rude. When a guy likes you, he doesn't treat you the way this guy has treated you today or previously. It's pretty easy for a guy to return a voicemail or answer a phone call when he respects you and likes you. This guy -- he doesn't seem to respect you or like you. My recommendation is to delete his cell phone number from your phone and stop responding to any breadcrumb texts he leaves you. It will be hard for you to do, but you will feel better about yourself ignoring him.