Communication problem, and now he has pulled back

[Acacia98]

On 10/15/2020 at 5:57 PM, TheBlingRing14 said:

Well....last night was an absolute dumpster fire. 

So, despite his coldness yesterday, I decided to give it another shot. The conversation was an absolute mess. I started with an ever so brilliant "Hey." 

His response: "Do you usually start your conversations like that?"  Sigh. Well, for one, as long as he's been talking to me, he should know how I usually do or don't start conversations. So, I don't know why he even asked, other than to just be difficult. Two, even if I normally start conversations a different way, does that mean on the one or two occasions, I might say something differently, that it requires calling out? 

I asked how his day was.....thumbs up emoji. I asked if he was alright....thumbs up emoji. 

So, I said that I wanted to see if he wanted to do anything with me this weekend. His response: "You should have led with that, instead of hey. It would have saved an hour." And then....nothing. That's how he left it. I followed up, no response. 

We've talked this morning, a bit. And, he seems back to normal, I suppose you could say. But, then again, he seemed normal on Tuesday too, before acting distant yesterday. He didn't address my date invitation from last night, and at this point, I don't know what my step should be....if I bring it up again, am I being a nag? 

@TheBlingRing14: I'm no fan of your communication style. But I genuinely don't think this guy is right for you. You would definitely do well to learn to read people better and communicate better. At the same time, you would be better off dating a guy who is more secure and more inclined to recognize your awkwardness and not take it so personally, a guy who is not vindictive... Let this guy go.

[Allupinnit]

At this point he's just enjoying watching you wallow.  Who responds to someone like that?  

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

He's had it...when every little thing annoys a person it's the contempt stage and things are done...it was just too many games...I don't see how there is any salvaging this. Really, this does not sound good. 

[TheBlingRing14]

18 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

He's had it...when every little thing annoys a person it's the contempt stage and things are done...it was just too many games...I don't see how there is any salvaging this. Really, this does not sound good. 

You very well may be right. I fear you are. 

BUT. 

I just can't give up without trying. Without making one last ditch effort to see if there is anything there to save. An apology, a conversation, a gesture (someone mentioned cookies). Something. 

Then, if he has blocked me, or if he decides it's just not worth the headache.....or he just doesn't respond at all.....at least I'll know I tried. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

An apology, a conversation, a gesture (someone mentioned cookies). Something. 

Then, if he has blocked me, or if he decides it's just not worth the headache.....or he just doesn't respond at all.....at least I'll know I tried. 

Why not simply text him offering to take him out at a mutually convenient time? 

Don't send cookies. Creepy as hell. You seem to get astoundingly bad advice from your friends from playing hard to get, being "cheeky" in texts and giving guys the run around...then chasing them down to apologise?

Just stop the games. If this guy hasn't contacted you, stop, just stop.

Live and learn. 

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't send cookies. Creepy as hell.

I'm the one who suggested sending cookies.  

I want to know why you think that is creepy, @Wiseman2?  If the roles were reversed I'd be advising a guy to send flowers.  I changed it to food because I don't know too many guys who want flowers but apology food can open doors.   

Why is it creepy?  They have been on dates.  Presumably she knows where he lives.  It's a nice gesture. It's not creepy IMO. 

[poppyfields]

Oh dear lord, cookies, flowers (if a man), stop trying to fix this!  

Bling, the guy is annoyed as hell, may feel contempt as CAgirl said OR even repulsed. Turned off.

The harder you try to "make nice" or fix, with cookies, asking him to dinner, whatever, the more annoyed he will get.

Step back, leave him be!   Let him miss you and rediscover his interest and passion, on his own, do not push!  

CAgirl said this might be done and I agree. It's still very early stages when both people are determining if the other is the right fit for them.

With you, I'm sorry to say this, but he may have reached his breaking point, and he's done.  And no amount of cookies or apologies is going to bring him back.

The only way you may stand of chance is if you leave him alone.  Allow him time to get over his annoyance/contempt, and start wondering about you and missing you.  

Men (most not all) are different from women, yin/yang, Mars/Venus.  

Space and distance is your friend here for however long it takes.  

Do not let your fear of losing him steer your ship Bling, you risk losing him for good if you haven't already.

Leave him be.  Give it a rest. Let him come to you, and if he does, start over!  

Different, better, no games and communicate!  Honestly and sincerely.

If he doesnt come to you, so be!  Move on, lesson learned for next relationship

 

 

 

Edited October 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[TheBlingRing14]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not simply text him offering to take him out at a mutually convenient time? 

Don't send cookies. Creepy as hell. You seem to get astoundingly bad advice from your friends from playing hard to get, being "cheeky" in texts and giving guys the run around...then chasing them down to apologise?

Just stop the games. If this guy hasn't contacted you, stop, just stop.

Live and learn. 

 

I'm not sending cookies, for one because he doesn't really care for cookies. I was just using it as an example of a gesture. As a mea culpa of sorts. Like Donnivain said, in the same vein as a guy sending flowers. Now, let me be clear, I don't plan to send cookies, and I don't have plans for any sort of gesture. 

Also, you mention astoundingly bad advice from friends, which I may not deny, but in this case, the cookies thing, that came straight from this thread, bud. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

you mention astoundingly bad advice from friends, which I may not deny, but in this case, the cookies thing, that came straight from this thread, bud. 

Still bad advice. Stop chasing him down. Actually there is no reason to apologize. Let the dust settle. If he contacts you great, if not you know it wasn't the right situation for you.

[TheBlingRing14]

Okay mayday, mayday. 

So, he texted me and asked me how my evening was. 

I'm torn with what to do (and no, not in a playing games kind of way). It's late. But....obviously I am still awake. But, again....it's late. Do I want to start a conversation with him this late?

Or do I wait till tomorrow?

[Watercolors]

13 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Okay mayday, mayday. 

So, he texted me and asked me how my evening was. 

I'm torn with what to do (and no, not in a playing games kind of way). It's late. But....obviously I am still awake. But, again....it's late. Do I want to start a conversation with him this late?

Or do I wait till tomorrow?

Late night texts like this are a red flag for me, personally. I've received these from guys I was getting to know. All it means is, they're bored, and they want you to entertain them via text message. Sorry, but my sleep (and my time) is more important to me than texting back and forth with some guy I barely know late at night.

Respond however you want to respond. If you want to start a late convo with him, then do that. If you don't want to respond until tomorrow, then don't respond until tomorrow. I guarantee you, either way, it won't effect his multi-dating schedule much (that is, if he is multi-dating).

Don't play games. Texting isn't dating, by the way. It's a tool used with dating these days, but texting is not the same as old-fashioned, spend-time-together-in-person dating.

 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Okay mayday, mayday. 

So, he texted me and asked me how my evening was. 

I'm torn with what to do (and no, not in a playing games kind of way). It's late. But....obviously I am still awake. But, again....it's late. Do I want to start a conversation with him this late?

Or do I wait till tomorrow?

Just friggin' answer him, girl!

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Okay mayday, mayday. 

So, he texted me and asked me how my evening was.

Is part of the issue indecisiveness?  There seems to be a lot of drama created by that.

Of course on the receiving end of this, people tend to give up. They're unaware of your inner drama and all they see is... No response and rudeness.

[TheBlingRing14]

Well, I did end up replying to him, not long after I posted that message. It was about 20 minutes after he texted me. 

And, no reply.  Wth. 

So, I have no clue. Either he fell asleep after he sent me that, doubtful, or he was just seeing if I would reply. Argh. 

 

[balletomane]

Look at this logically: you didn't want to start a conversation with him because it was late at night...but you were happy to spend time posting on forums and presumably waiting to see if anyone replied?

That doesn't make sense. In half the time it took you to do this, you could have had a short pleasant chat with him or asked him on another date. This looks like self-sabotage to me.

Edit: what did you say to him in your reply?

Edited October 19, 2020 by balletomane

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Well, I did end up replying to him, not long after I posted that message. It was about 20 minutes after he texted me. 

And, no reply.  Wth. 

So, I have no clue. Either he fell asleep after he sent me that, doubtful, or he was just seeing if I would reply. Argh. 

 

Haven't timed it precisely, but it could take up to 3 nanoseconds to text: " had a good evening, going to bed, talk to you tomorrow".

[TheBlingRing14]

45 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Look at this logically: you didn't want to start a conversation with him because it was late at night...but you were happy to spend time posting on forums and presumably waiting to see if anyone replied?

That doesn't make sense. In half the time it took you to do this, you could have had a short pleasant chat with him or asked him on another date. This looks like self-sabotage to me.

Edit: what did you say to him in your reply?

 

He asked how my night was. 

I replied that "My night has been quiet. How are you doing?"

 

Heck, maybe he texted the wrong person. At this point, who knows. 

[Wiseman2]

Now it's he fell asleep he texted the wrong person, etc.. Perhaps it's time to throw in the towel on this. That's your call.

[TheBlingRing14]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Now it's he fell asleep he texted the wrong person, etc.. Perhaps it's time to throw in the towel on this. That's your call.

Are you saying what you think or commenting on what I said?

All I was doing was coming up with a logical reason he would make the effort to text me, and then not reply. 

[TheBlingRing14]

20 minutes ago, AlyssaJohnston20 said:

Women usually tend to overthink very simple situations. I totally understand you, as I experienced the same attitude from men many times, and I was thinking that it was me who did something wrong or that a man had his reasons and was not in a good mood. But in fact, if a person (a man or a woman- it doesn't matter) really likes, you wil feel and notice it, and a person will do everything to spend time with you. So, may be, this person isn't worth your worring at all, because he doesn't care.

 

This is certainly the case with me. Sadly, it seems to be one of those things you either need to go to therapy and/or just work on it. There's no magical pill one can take to cure overthinking. 

As to last night, my reasoning for reaching out here is in the past, I have replied either to hastily or too quickly. And then people say, you should have said this, you should have said that. But....by then, it's too late. And then, I have been told, hey before you send anything, just reach out and run it by someone first. So, this was me running it by someone. 

 

[Crazelnut]

Jeez, all he did was ask how your day was! If you're incapable of handling such a simple interaction, stop dating until you get some therapy to deal with your issue. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Okay mayday, mayday. 

So, he texted me and asked me how my evening was. 

I'm torn with what to do (and no, not in a playing games kind of way). It's late. But....obviously I am still awake. But, again....it's late. Do I want to start a conversation with him this late?

Or do I wait till tomorrow?

If a guy asks how your evening is going does it take you going on a forum to find the answer to that question?  Did you know how your evening was going when he asked?

[FMW]

Even though your initial reaction (what do I do, do I wait to respond, etc.) was off, I think your actual text response was fine.  Since he asked you a question he should have been available to read your response and then answer your question.  My guess is he isn't ready to completely throw in the towel with you, but he's still feeling impatient/frustrated and decided he didn't want to do the polite back and forth about your day, even though he's the one that started it.

My original advice was to back off and give him space.  But since that's not improving things, maybe you should issue an invitation to get together, being specific about where and when.  If he goes for it, then be sure to put all the advice about being clear and not playing games into practice.  Unless and until things get back on track for you guys, don't even think about trying to be cute or playful.

If he ignores the invitation, then I would let it go.  Don't reach out again.  Work on accepting that this just isn't going to work out between you and move on.   

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Well, I did end up replying to him, not long after I posted that message. It was about 20 minutes after he texted me. 

And no reply.

What was your reply?  And why all the overthinking?  All he did was ask how your evening was.

 

 

Edited October 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

He asked how my night was. 

I replied that "My night has been quiet. How are you doing?"

Perfect.  Now try and chill, the door has opened a crack, this is good! .  Let him attempt to open in wider!  

Patience.  Patience.  Patience.

Go for a run or brisk walk, calm the brain. 

Edited October 19, 2020 by poppyfields