Communication problem, and now he has pulled back

[kismetkismet]

If you really want to keep seeing this guy I would call him up, ask him on a date, and apologize for your poor communication. Maybe tell him that you struggle with being direct in the early stages of dating, especially over text. Don't make a HUGE deal out of it, because you don't want it to feel like some big dramatic situation so early on. Part of the problem is that everything, even minor conversations about plans, is turning into work. He has to put in so much effort just to decode your intentions and feelings, that he's probably getting a bit tired. So just get straight to the point - hey, I like you, sorry i've been terrible at communicating, I'm not great with texting. Do you want to hang out this weekend so we can actually chat in person? (and try to be flexible with timing etc.) 

It may be too late at this point, but it's worth a shot if you really like him. If you wait for him to come to you I don't think it will happen. 

[poppyfields]

How long have you been dating?  Apologies if you mentioned previously.

Are you exclusive?

If me, I'd give it all a rest for now.  He seems so irritated and turned off, anything you do to try and fix this is likely to irritate him more.

Let things settle.  Give him a chance to miss you and determine what he wants to happen, if anything.  

I think a bit of distance is your friend right now.  

Let him come to you.  

[FMW]

Let him come to you.

Then follow the advice already given -

When he does reach out, follow his lead.  If things go well and you have a natural opening, apologize as outlined above.  If you want to bring up doing something, do it clearly, as also outlined above.  

If things go well, don't slip back into the game playing.  Be clear and concise in your communication with him.  

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

At this point, what would your recommendation be, considering where things are at right now?

A) Take a step back. Let things settle. Let him come to me, if he doesn't obviously I would walk away. 

B) Give him a call and give him the apology and promise to do better/ask him out, etc. now and see how he reacts.

Both.  Give him at least 48 hours. If you don't hear from him by Monday, reach out via VOICE & ask him to dinner at that restaurant you talked about.  

At that point if he's not happy to hear from you, walk away & work on your communications skills 

[Watercolors]

Holy Schnikes! I read through this entire thread and I gotta say one thing: OP, all that game playing you do with men like this poor guy, will *always* come back to bite you. When will you stop all the game playing? 

I hope you leave this poor guy alone. Otherwise, I am 100% on his side about his observations with the way you intentionally present your facetious remarks as fact. No wonder he's constantly frustrated with you. You really need to stop this nonsense now and respond with "yes" and "no" answers when he asks you a question. Stop the sarcastic, facetious remarks. And learn to communicate in a clear and concise way. You will never EVER get your emotional needs met by anyone, the way you choose to currently communicate. 

I think you must be very insecure otherwise you would not act this way with men. 

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

You can polish a turd and it's still a turd. Shinier but it is what it is. Listen...my communications skills are a weakness, for sure. They have been for as long as I can remember. It has always been an issue with friends and family members....it's just they have learned how to take me and deal with me over the years. They can't just chuck me out with the bathwater as someone who I'm dating could. It's also been an issue at work. My communications skills are my absolute worst trait. But, at work, it is an "in the moment" thing. It comes and goes, in one ear and out the other. Rarely something I linger on. 

With dating, I have the unfortunate combination of poor communications skills and the proclivity to overthink and overthink and overthink. So, I'm sort of self-destructive. Yes, I could polish my communications skills, and that would be GREAT. But, I've not been able to do it yet in my personal or professional life, having tried for many, many years. I can't imagine being able to turn things around now....or ever. 

I really appreciate your suggestion on what to say......it's so much better than anything I could ever come up with, either on the fly or given time to think it over...it never would have been better than that. Do you think it's too late to try it? 

You really need to stop making excuses for yourself OP. Time to stop the game playing. Your "poor communication skills" are a choice you make. No one else is causing these problems for you except you. 

Communications skills are tied emotional intelligence. Do you know what emotional intelligence is? I think your first step is to fix your communication skills with the help of a therapist.  Especially if it has affected every area of your life as you claim it has. Doesn't that motivate you to stop behaving the way you do and change so that you can improve the quality of your life? 

And I agree that texting is not dating. Otherwise, you're just seeking out pen pals for a virtual, emotional connection but not a real life face to face emotional connection. 

Quote

 

Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. Emotional intelligence helps you build stronger relationships, succeed at school and work, and achieve your career and personal goals. It can also help you to connect with your feelings, turn intention into action, and make informed decisions about what matters most to you.

Emotional intelligence is commonly defined by four attributes:

Self-management – You’re able to control impulsive feelings and behaviors, manage your emotions in healthy ways, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.

Self-awareness – You recognize your own emotions and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence.

Social awareness – You have empathy. You can understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization.

Relationship management – You know how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict.

 

I would say that based on this thread, you don't know how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, work well in a team or manage conflict. And you are very impulsive and lack the self-awareness and social awareness that it takes to maintain good relationships. You have no empathy for this guy you are playing ping pong with emotionally. All you do is wait for him to respond, so you can reply via text with something pithy, and not actually substantial or clear, so that he actually knows what you are talking about. You really need to stop doing that. I think texting is not a good tool for you to use if you want to improve your communication skills, especially with this guy who is at his wits ends with you. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want someone to respect you, mean what you say and say what you mean.

If you want drama, worries, headaches and heartaches, keep listening to this male friend about "how the male mind works" and playing games and manipulating everything.

When you are insincere, you'll attract insincere. Be straight, be clear, be much more confident, so that you don't think you have to trick some easily fooled jerk into wanting you.

+1. 

[Watercolors]

One more post from me. Writer Mark Twain wrote, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." 

[TheBlingRing14]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

How long have you been dating?  Apologies if you mentioned previously.

Are you exclusive?

If me, I'd give it all a rest for now.  He seems so irritated and turned off, anything you do to try and fix this is likely to irritate him more.

Let things settle.  Give him a chance to miss you and determine what he wants to happen, if anything.  

I think a bit of distance is your friend right now.  

Let him come to you.  

 

We are not exclusive. Dating, for about 2 months, talking for quite a bit longer (Thanks, Covid). 

 

 

[TheBlingRing14]

8 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Both.  Give him at least 48 hours. If you don't hear from him by Monday, reach out via VOICE & ask him to dinner at that restaurant you talked about.  

At that point if he's not happy to hear from you, walk away & work on your communications skills 

 

Thank you, dear. I think is the plan I am going to go with. Even if he does reach out before then, (like if it's a minimal effort text like a link or a meme), I may still wait till Monday to talk to him. It will give me time to gain the emotional control to be able to have that apology conversation. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this guy has pretty much had it with you, OP. 

Dating shouldn't be this complicated in the early stages, and you're not really learning anything here because you keep making the same mistakes again and again. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

We are not exclusive. Dating, for about 2 months, talking for quite a bit longer.

 

 

How long was "guite a bit longer"? 

You were not exclusive? How often did you see each other?

Is this long distance or are either of you in other relationships?

It may be best to move on if there's this much frustration and drama after just 8 weeks.

It's best to cut your loses early on when this much goes wrong so often and so fast.

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

Thank you, dear. I think is the plan I am going to go with. Even if he does reach out before then, (like if it's a minimal effort text like a link or a meme), I may still wait till Monday to talk to him. It will give me time to gain the emotional control to be able to have that apology conversation. 

Nooooo.

If he reaches out, don't play yet another game of ignoring him until Monday. Proceed with the plan you've been given.

Yeesh.

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Even if he does reach out before then, (like if it's a minimal effort text like a link or a meme), I may still wait till Monday to talk to him. It will give me time to gain the emotional control to be able to have that apology conversation. 

You really don't get it do you?   If he reaches out in any way even a minimal one you need to be grateful & totally excited that he is still willing to deal with you.  You have to make him feel welcome & happy that he reached out.  More game playing & coyness is just you making a bad situation worse. 

My suggestion that you wait until Monday to make the first move is to give him a chance to think & figure out what he wants without you pestering him . 

If he doesn't contact you all weekend that is a pretty good indication that his frustration level with you has exceeded capacity.  Since you two are not exclusive if he's had it with you, he has other options. 

When you do reach out you have to be clear, concise & contrite.  Make your point clearly & quickly.  If you can't or won't do that, take some time off from dating to develop your communications skills.  If you don't do that work every relationship you try to have will suffer from these problems.   

[FMW]

8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

I may still wait till Monday to talk to him. It will give me time to gain the emotional control to be able to have that apology conversation. 

I don't understand how waiting is going to change your level of emotional control.  Either you get what's going on or you don't.  You're not in a position of power here.  

[TheBlingRing14]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long was "guite a bit longer"? 

You were not exclusive? How often did you see each other?

Is this long distance or are either of you in other relationships?

It may be best to move on if there's this much frustration and drama after just 8 weeks.

It's best to cut your loses early on when this much goes wrong so often and so fast.

 

Talking.....probably 4 months beyond that. 

I am not sure if this qualifies as long-distance or not, since there is no clear mile/time definition of long-distance. For example, my ex said it takes him an hour to get to his gf's place, and they live in the same city. I would say we could go either way on that. It is about an hour, 15 drive between us, so in that sense I'd say maybe yes. But, on the other hand, my measure has always been.....if something came up, something major, could you just pick up and drive to their house/city without having to pack an overnight bag or being on the road all day? And, yes, I could.....so maybe not on long-distance. I know that's not a very helpful explanation, other than to say.....depends on what the definition of LDR is....could be yes, could be no. 

 

[poppyfields]

Bling, if he reaches out let's say today or tomorrow, why wait until Monday to respond?   What's your thought process???   What do you need to think about???  

Are you at all aware of how waiting might appear to him?  Are you aware and empathetic as to how any of your elusive behavior appears to him?  

Do you even care?  

You seem like a lovely person and I mean no offense, but you seem clueless how your erratic and elusive behaviour affects those around you including the men you date.

If he reaches out, NO don't wait until Monday to respond. Playing games and other such elusive behaviour, which is how waiting until Monday would appear to him, is what started ths mess.  

Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he behaved with you the way you behave with him?  

People don't do enough of that and they shouid.   Sadly we've become a very self-centered, self-entitled society.

Me, me, me.

Good luck. 

 

Edited October 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

OP,  you can get help with your issue, but trust me: it's NOT a communication problem. You have a social skills deficit.

Yes you  speak impulsively it seems (really skilled people learn to pause and gather thoughts and check feelings before speaking). But even if you paused, your overall thinking and assessment of the communication situation is wildly off. i

Your problem is, as shown here, even when you have ample time to think, your thinking is off. That's not a communication problem. 

You ever talked to a therapist about this? You really can get some training and hugely improve things. Many people acquire emotional awareness just through trial and error--lots of error!--but you don't have that ability yet. Lots of education is about helping people acquire skills that they can't acquire on their own. 

[TheBlingRing14]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You really don't get it do you?   If he reaches out in any way even a minimal one you need to be grateful & totally excited that he is still willing to deal with you.  You have to make him feel welcome & happy that he reached out.  More game playing & coyness is just you making a bad situation worse. 

My suggestion that you wait until Monday to make the first move is to give him a chance to think & figure out what he wants without you pestering him . 

If he doesn't contact you all weekend that is a pretty good indication that his frustration level with you has exceeded capacity.  Since you two are not exclusive if he's had it with you, he has other options. 

When you do reach out you have to be clear, concise & contrite.  Make your point clearly & quickly.  If you can't or won't do that, take some time off from dating to develop your communications skills.  If you don't do that work every relationship you try to have will suffer from these problems.   

 

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Bling, if he reaches out let's say today or tomorrow, why wait until Monday to respond?   What's your thought process???   What do you need to think about???  

Are you at all aware of how waiting might appear to him?  Are you aware and empathetic as to how any of your elusive behavior appears to him?  

Do you even care?  

You seem like a lovely person and I mean no offense, but you seem clueless how your erratic and elusive behaviour affects those around you including the men you date.

If he reaches out, NO don't wait until Monday to respond. Playing games and other such elusive behaviour, which is how waiting until Monday would appear to him, is what started ths mess.  

Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he behaved with you the way you behave with him?  

People don't do enough of that and they shouid.   Sadly we've become a very self-centered, self-entitled society.

Me, me, me.

Good luck. 

 

 

Okay, so here is/was my thinking on this. Thank you, Poppy, I like to think I am a lovely person. I am much better "in person" when I don't have so much time to think, overthink, and/or bury myself. Historically speaking, with any guy, dates, weekends together, etc have always gone quite swimmingly. There are rarely any issues when together in person. But, when apart? That's when I tend to ruin things. 

As to the waiting till Monday, my thought process is two-fold, and neither of them, I promise, have anything to do with playing games or trying to be chased or anything like that. 

1) As I said previously, part of it has with being emotionally prepared for it. Which, may not make sense to some people. But, I'll try. I am a planner. Type A through and through. I don't like when dates and times are changed on me, and it sends me into panic mode. So, while I may know what I am going to say, and it shouldn't matter whether it is today, Saturday, or Monday...the anxiety can get me anyway. If I am internally prepared for Monday to be The Day, I just have this ball of nerves inside of me that I can tame and keep settled. There's no way to keep that ball of nerves settled for 3 or 4 days, "just in case." It will take a lot of internal fortitude to have me emotionally prepared for the conversation, and I just don't think I can keep up that fortitude all weekend. So, if I am internally prepared, mentally and emotionally, for Monday to be The Day, and then it ends up being that Saturday is The Day....will I be ready, emotionally, to change course on Saturday? Maybe. But, maybe not. Looking at my history...probably not. 

2) Here is how I envision it, based on how I know I am. (If) He messages me with some silly meme. I respond. We (mostly me) try to keep the conversation light and airy and low-drama. There is banter and joking and it feels easy. This is not an usual kind of conversation for us. I know that for me, personally, I will want to ride that wave of positive energy as long as we possibly can. I wouldn't want to bring anything heavy or emotional into the conversation. But, by inserting the apology into the conversation, that's exactly what I would be doing....taking our easy breezy rapport and then bringing it down with an emotional conversation....even if it's an apology. Even if it isn't that day, even if it's the day after, or the next day...I would be basically taking a wrecking ball to whatever fun rapport we were just able to re-build. And, looking at it from his perspective, if the drama has driven him to his wits end, as someone put it, he needs to see the happiness and joy that I can bring to his life....if I interrupt that happiness and joy with an emotional apology, don't I kind of show him that, in the end, all he is getting is drama from me? So, I think in my mind, and in my heart, I know I would avoid the apology altogether, in an effort to not rock the boat, the keep things steady...at least till we can see each other again.

 

I know it all sounds like just....so much, too much.  But, it's the line I walk to try to not ruin things by being as "extra" as I naturally am.  

 

[TheBlingRing14]

55 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP,  you can get help with your issue, but trust me: it's NOT a communication problem. You have a social skills deficit.

Yes you  speak impulsively it seems (really skilled people learn to pause and gather thoughts and check feelings before speaking). But even if you paused, your overall thinking and assessment of the communication situation is wildly off. i

Your problem is, as shown here, even when you have ample time to think, your thinking is off. That's not a communication problem. 

You ever talked to a therapist about this? You really can get some training and hugely improve things. Many people acquire emotional awareness just through trial and error--lots of error!--but you don't have that ability yet. Lots of education is about helping people acquire skills that they can't acquire on their own. 

Thank you for your sweet message,

I have no doubt I have social skills defects. No doubt. 

You make a great point: I am at this weird impasse where....if I speak impulsively, I tend to blow up and ruin things. But, if I pause and take a beat....it often leads to overthinking and can make things worse. 

No I've not seen a therapist. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

Talking.....probably 4 months beyond that. 

I am not sure if this qualifies as long-distance or not, since there is no clear mile/time definition of long-distance. For example, my ex said it takes him an hour to get to his gf's place, and they live in the same city. I would say we could go either way on that. It is about an hour, 15 drive between us, so in that sense I'd say maybe yes. But, on the other hand, my measure has always been.....if something came up, something major, could you just pick up and drive to their house/city without having to pack an overnight bag or being on the road all day? And, yes, I could.....so maybe not on long-distance. I know that's not a very helpful explanation, other than to say.....depends on what the definition of LDR is....could be yes, could be no. 

 

A whole paragraph to say this?

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

 

(If) He messages me with some silly meme. I respond. We (mostly me) try to keep the conversation light and airy and low-drama. There is banter and joking and it feels easy. This is not an usual kind of conversation for us. I know that for me, personally, I will want to ride that wave of positive energy as long as we possibly can.

 

This sounds so exhausting. Why not try to date people you can readily and easily see in person rather than trying to build a relationship and rapport through this type of texting. This tangential, meandering over-thinking also seems very exhausting. 

[introverted1]

47 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

 

Okay, so here is/was my thinking on this. Thank you, Poppy, I like to think I am a lovely person. I am much better "in person" when I don't have so much time to think, overthink, and/or bury myself. Historically speaking, with any guy, dates, weekends together, etc have always gone quite swimmingly. There are rarely any issues when together in person. But, when apart? That's when I tend to ruin things. 

As to the waiting till Monday, my thought process is two-fold, and neither of them, I promise, have anything to do with playing games or trying to be chased or anything like that. 

1) As I said previously, part of it has with being emotionally prepared for it. Which, may not make sense to some people. But, I'll try. I am a planner. Type A through and through. I don't like when dates and times are changed on me, and it sends me into panic mode. So, while I may know what I am going to say, and it shouldn't matter whether it is today, Saturday, or Monday...the anxiety can get me anyway. If I am internally prepared for Monday to be The Day, I just have this ball of nerves inside of me that I can tame and keep settled. There's no way to keep that ball of nerves settled for 3 or 4 days, "just in case." It will take a lot of internal fortitude to have me emotionally prepared for the conversation, and I just don't think I can keep up that fortitude all weekend. So, if I am internally prepared, mentally and emotionally, for Monday to be The Day, and then it ends up being that Saturday is The Day....will I be ready, emotionally, to change course on Saturday? Maybe. But, maybe not. Looking at my history...probably not. 

2) Here is how I envision it, based on how I know I am. (If) He messages me with some silly meme. I respond. We (mostly me) try to keep the conversation light and airy and low-drama. There is banter and joking and it feels easy. This is not an usual kind of conversation for us. I know that for me, personally, I will want to ride that wave of positive energy as long as we possibly can. I wouldn't want to bring anything heavy or emotional into the conversation. But, by inserting the apology into the conversation, that's exactly what I would be doing....taking our easy breezy rapport and then bringing it down with an emotional conversation....even if it's an apology. Even if it isn't that day, even if it's the day after, or the next day...I would be basically taking a wrecking ball to whatever fun rapport we were just able to re-build. And, looking at it from his perspective, if the drama has driven him to his wits end, as someone put it, he needs to see the happiness and joy that I can bring to his life....if I interrupt that happiness and joy with an emotional apology, don't I kind of show him that, in the end, all he is getting is drama from me? So, I think in my mind, and in my heart, I know I would avoid the apology altogether, in an effort to not rock the boat, the keep things steady...at least till we can see each other again.

 

I know it all sounds like just....so much, too much.  But, it's the line I walk to try to not ruin things by being as "extra" as I naturally am.  

 

BR, I am not qualified to diagnose you, but the above comes across as games.  No one has any idea about what's going on inside you except for what they can infer from your actions. And, sadly, your actions are screaming GAMES.

To me, you have two choices:  either fake it til you make it, eg, behave the way "normal" people who care about their partner do (and you've had plenty of advice in this thread as to what that looks like) OR cut this guy loose.  What you are doing to him is completely unfair. It doesn't matter if your actions are driven by your internal turmoil - that's on you to fix before you start dating! I don't see how you can hope to have a healthy relationship with anyone until you address what's going on inside you first.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Okay, so here is/was my thinking on this. Thank you, Poppy, I like to think I am a lovely person. I am much better "in person" when I don't have so much time to think, overthink, and/or bury myself. Historically speaking, with any guy, dates, weekends together, etc have always gone quite swimmingly. There are rarely any issues when together in person. But, when apart? That's when I tend to ruin things. 

As to the waiting till Monday, my thought process is two-fold, and neither of them, I promise, have anything to do with playing games or trying to be chased or anything like that. 

1) As I said previously, part of it has with being emotionally prepared for it. Which, may not make sense to some people. But, I'll try. I am a planner. Type A through and through. I don't like when dates and times are changed on me, and it sends me into panic mode. So, while I may know what I am going to say, and it shouldn't matter whether it is today, Saturday, or Monday...the anxiety can get me anyway. If I am internally prepared for Monday to be The Day, I just have this ball of nerves inside of me that I can tame and keep settled. There's no way to keep that ball of nerves settled for 3 or 4 days, "just in case." It will take a lot of internal fortitude to have me emotionally prepared for the conversation, and I just don't think I can keep up that fortitude all weekend. So, if I am internally prepared, mentally and emotionally, for Monday to be The Day, and then it ends up being that Saturday is The Day....will I be ready, emotionally, to change course on Saturday? Maybe. But, maybe not. Looking at my history...probably not. 

2) Here is how I envision it, based on how I know I am. (If) He messages me with some silly meme. I respond. We (mostly me) try to keep the conversation light and airy and low-drama. There is banter and joking and it feels easy. This is not an usual kind of conversation for us. I know that for me, personally, I will want to ride that wave of positive energy as long as we possibly can. I wouldn't want to bring anything heavy or emotional into the conversation. But, by inserting the apology into the conversation, that's exactly what I would be doing....taking our easy breezy rapport and then bringing it down with an emotional conversation....even if it's an apology. Even if it isn't that day, even if it's the day after, or the next day...I would be basically taking a wrecking ball to whatever fun rapport we were just able to re-build. And, looking at it from his perspective, if the drama has driven him to his wits end, as someone put it, he needs to see the happiness and joy that I can bring to his life....if I interrupt that happiness and joy with an emotional apology, don't I kind of show him that, in the end, all he is getting is drama from me? So, I think in my mind, and in my heart, I know I would avoid the apology altogether, in an effort to not rock the boat, the keep things steady...at least till we can see each other again.

I know it all sounds like just....so much, too much.  But, it's the line I walk to try to not ruin things by being as "extra" as I naturally am.  

 

You probably don't even realize this Bling, which is a huge part of the problem, but your entire message here^^  is me, me, me.   Your emotional comfort, your feelings, how you envision it.  What about HIS feelings?  How HE envisions it?  Sorry, I felt like I had to bold that so you would acknowledge it.

You did not even acknowledge my previous post wherein I asked "are you at all aware as to how your behavior affects HIM"?

We already know your intention is not to play games or be elusive, but once again,  you appear to be totally unaware of how your behavior negatively impacts those around you, and in this case your boyfriend, regardless of whether it's your intention or not.  You seem completely unempathetic to this. 

Lotsgoingon called it lack of social skills, and maybe it's that too.  I don't know, but something about your thought process seems very off.

I am not sure how anyone can advise you at this point.  Your thought process is what it is, and no matter what anyone says, or advises, I just don't think you have the awareness or empathy to understand much of it.

Perhaps a therapist might help?  I'm sorry, I hope my post doesn't offend you and I truly hope this relationship works out for you.  

 

 

Edited October 16, 2020 by poppyfields

[kismetkismet]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

1) As I said previously, part of it has with being emotionally prepared for it. Which, may not make sense to some people. But, I'll try. I am a planner. Type A through and through. I don't like when dates and times are changed on me, and it sends me into panic mode. So, while I may know what I am going to say, and it shouldn't matter whether it is today, Saturday, or Monday...the anxiety can get me anyway. If I am internally prepared for Monday to be The Day, I just have this ball of nerves inside of me that I can tame and keep settled. There's no way to keep that ball of nerves settled for 3 or 4 days, "just in case." It will take a lot of internal fortitude to have me emotionally prepared for the conversation, and I just don't think I can keep up that fortitude all weekend. So, if I am internally prepared, mentally and emotionally, for Monday to be The Day, and then it ends up being that Saturday is The Day....will I be ready, emotionally, to change course on Saturday? Maybe. But, maybe not. Looking at my history...probably not. 

 

I know it all sounds like just....so much, too much.  But, it's the line I walk to try to not ruin things by being as "extra" as I naturally am.  

 

You are actively feeding your over-thinking anxiety brain. Casual conversations you're having with someone you're casually seeing should NOT take this much mental labour and should not be this much of a chore. This is exactly why you wind up overthinking things and playing games to control the situation, and exactly why he is so exasperated with trying to communicate with you. It's impossible to genuinely connect with someone when one person is trying to control the conversation, rather than letting things flow naturally. 

You need to chill out and realize that this really isn't that big of a deal and you don't have to get everything 'perfect'. In fact your attempt to have perfect interactions is the exact thing that is making them so painful and unnatural. It's literally just asking a guy you've already been dating on a date.

 

ETA: Also, stop blaming it on being "Type A" or being a "planner." This is just poor communication, anxiety, and obsessive thinking. Planning ahead is for projects, not people. 

Edited October 16, 2020 by kismetkismet