Communication problem, and now he has pulled back

[TheBlingRing14]

Update:

Alright, well I haven't quite gotten around to suggesting a date yet, but he has been very distant today. 

Which is strange because like I said, he seemed close to normal yesterday. Maybe not 100% normal, but 90+% normal. He seemed fine last night. 

This afternoon, when I talked to him, he was replying in one word answers, and eventually, just dropped out entirely. I was working up to the date suggestion, so I asked him if he had been to a certain place, he said he had. I told him it looked nice, and I have heard nothing since. So, I never actually got to making a date. 

 

[TheBlingRing14]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Bling, I'm not understanding your thought process here^.  He asked you to lunch, but you declined the invite because you wanted the entire day with him?  So it's all or nothing?  

Then you say you wanted to spend time together, but isn't having lunch spending time together?  

I'm totally confused.  

Also you mentioned that when you turn down dates, you say "maybe another time, maybe this weekend," but it never happens because HE never followed up.

Well, did YOU follow up?  You are the one who declined his date invite, you should be following up.

I don't mean to sound harsh or anything but you sound a bit self-entitled imo.

His friend is right, when you are really into a guy, you make time, you want to make time! 

if you dont look your best, you hop in the shower, dry your hair, put on some blush and lip gloss and out the door!  If you're tired, you want to see him anyway and get a second wind when you see him.  You don't keep finding excuses not to see him and wait for him to follow up, YOU follow up.

Are you into this guy Bling?  I'm seriously wondering now. 

If you are, please rethink how you interact and respond to him otherwise you risk losing him.

I actually really am. 

I have this bad habit of screwing things up royally when I really like someone. 

 

[d0nnivain]

7 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

This afternoon, when I talked to him, he was replying in one word answers, and eventually, just dropped out entirely. I was working up to the date suggestion, so I asked him if he had been to a certain place, he said he had. I told him it looked nice, and I have heard nothing since. So, I never actually got to making a date. 

You are still doing that dance around not say what you mean BS.  Step up & be clear.  Until you do, this will remain a mess.  

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 

 

This afternoon, when I talked to him, he was replying in one word answers, and eventually, just dropped out entirely. I was working up to the date suggestion, so I asked him if he had been to a certain place, he said he had. I told him it looked nice, and I have heard nothing since. So, I never actually got to making a date. 

Why didn't you ask him to go with you? 

You're doing the same thing that landed you here in the first place. You need to step it up and stop being so afraid to say what you really mean and ask for what you really want. If I had to guess, he's getting tired of this behaviour from you. 

[Wiseman2]

If you want someone to respect you, mean what you say and say what you mean.

If you want drama, worries, headaches and heartaches, keep listening to this male friend about "how the male mind works" and playing games and manipulating everything.

When you are insincere, you'll attract insincere. Be straight, be clear, be much more confident, so that you don't think you have to trick some easily fooled jerk into wanting you.

[TheBlingRing14]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why didn't you ask him to go with you? 

You're doing the same thing that landed you here in the first place. You need to step it up and stop being so afraid to say what you really mean and ask for what you really want. If I had to guess, he's getting tired of this behaviour from you. 

Well, that was my plan once he responded. But....he never responded. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Well, that was my plan once he responded. But....he never responded. 

You're still not getting it.

He's probably wondering why you even brought this place up and then just said "it looks nice."  Stop tip-toeing around and woman up. 

 

[Crazelnut]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Well, that was my plan once he responded. But....he never responded. 

Here's how you do it... "That looks nice. I'd like to take you to dinner there this weekend."

Or better still ... Stop with the circuitous setups. Lead with, "Hey, I'd like to take you to dinner this weekend." If he says yes, suggest a couple of places. Stop making it so hard.

You really need to stop this "drop the handkerchief" approach to a relationship. You seem really high maintenance. 

[Acacia98]

They're right, @TheBlingRing14. Just ask him out directly without fishing for a response after every sentence. You are making him work for something that should be easy and straightforward. And considering he's already showing signs of fatigue, you'll end up pushing him away.

Just ask him out. If he accepts, wonderful. If he doesn't, well, at least you tried and can move on without wondering, "What if?"

I also think you should take the time after all of this is over to learn about manipulation in relationships because it sounds to me like your way of interacting with him is manipulative, but you don't realize it because you don't yet have the tools to recognize it.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

You really need to stop this "drop the handkerchief" approach to a relationship. You seem really high maintenance. 

*drops the handkerchief* how romantic, ....for 1803...... here's some Cliff Clavinizm....it actually means "we will be friends" wow they had the friends zone even back then!

[TheBlingRing14]

Well....last night was an absolute dumpster fire. 

So, despite his coldness yesterday, I decided to give it another shot. The conversation was an absolute mess. I started with an ever so brilliant "Hey." 

His response: "Do you usually start your conversations like that?"  Sigh. Well, for one, as long as he's been talking to me, he should know how I usually do or don't start conversations. So, I don't know why he even asked, other than to just be difficult. Two, even if I normally start conversations a different way, does that mean on the one or two occasions, I might say something differently, that it requires calling out? 

I asked how his day was.....thumbs up emoji. I asked if he was alright....thumbs up emoji. 

So, I said that I wanted to see if he wanted to do anything with me this weekend. His response: "You should have led with that, instead of hey. It would have saved an hour." And then....nothing. That's how he left it. I followed up, no response. 

We've talked this morning, a bit. And, he seems back to normal, I suppose you could say. But, then again, he seemed normal on Tuesday too, before acting distant yesterday. He didn't address my date invitation from last night, and at this point, I don't know what my step should be....if I bring it up again, am I being a nag? Do I need to bring it up again to prove I was serious?

I say he is mostly back to normal, because he is, in the sense that he has is talkative and responsive. But, he has not been particularly amorous or flirtatious with me since Monday. Which...I get. I realize that it may be slow to earn back his good will. 

[d0nnivain]

Yup dumpster fire but  you still don't understand that you are the one who lit the match.  

First you have to STOP TEXTING!!  That medium causes half your problems.  

If you had called him much of this could have been avoided.  He was also right; had you been straightforward this could have been avoided.  Because you appear to be clueless, this is what straightforward looks like: 

I'm sorry I caused drama the other day.  I wasn't clear & I didn't confirm that we would be taking the day off from work & spending it together.  I had been so excited to do something spontaneous that I got away from myself & made assumptions based on innuendo.  Then I took my disappointment out on you & that wasn't fair.  I should not have rejected your offer for lunch.  Let me make it up to you now.  Let me take you to dinner on Saturday at [the place you were talking about , fill in the name].  Going forward I am going to work on being more direct.  Stick with me as I try to master that skill.  

Until you can learn to do that, perhaps take a break from dating to polish your poor communications skills & self destructive bent toward obfuscation.  

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

His response: "You should have led with that, instead of hey. It would have saved an hour."

Sorry to hear this. it sounds like way to much texting. An Hour, Really? What a waste of time rather than getting to the point. At any rate it sounds like he doesn't want to date, so lay back on all the texting. 

Make this your new manta: TEXING IS NOT DATING.

Edited October 15, 2020 by Wiseman2

[TheBlingRing14]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Yup dumpster fire but  you still don't understand that you are the one who lit the match.  

First you have to STOP TEXTING!!  That medium causes half your problems.  

If you had called him much of this could have been avoided.  He was also right; had you been straightforward this could have been avoided.  Because you appear to be clueless, this is what straightforward looks like: 

I'm sorry I caused drama the other day.  I wasn't clear & I didn't confirm that we would be taking the day off from work & spending it together.  I had been so excited to do something spontaneous that I got away from myself & made assumptions based on innuendo.  Then I took my disappointment out on you & that wasn't fair.  I should not have rejected your offer for lunch.  Let me make it up to you now.  Let me take you to dinner on Saturday at [the place you were talking about , fill in the name].  Going forward I am going to work on being more direct.  Stick with me as I try to master that skill.  

Until you can learn to do that, perhaps take a break from dating to polish your poor communications skills & self destructive bent toward obfuscation.  

You can polish a turd and it's still a turd. Shinier but it is what it is. Listen...my communications skills are a weakness, for sure. They have been for as long as I can remember. It has always been an issue with friends and family members....it's just they have learned how to take me and deal with me over the years. They can't just chuck me out with the bathwater as someone who I'm dating could. It's also been an issue at work. My communications skills are my absolute worst trait. But, at work, it is an "in the moment" thing. It comes and goes, in one ear and out the other. Rarely something I linger on. 

With dating, I have the unfortunate combination of poor communications skills and the proclivity to overthink and overthink and overthink. So, I'm sort of self-destructive. Yes, I could polish my communications skills, and that would be GREAT. But, I've not been able to do it yet in my personal or professional life, having tried for many, many years. I can't imagine being able to turn things around now....or ever. 

I really appreciate your suggestion on what to say......it's so much better than anything I could ever come up with, either on the fly or given time to think it over...it never would have been better than that. Do you think it's too late to try it? 

[TheBlingRing14]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. it sounds like way to much texting. An Hour, Really? What a waste of time rather than getting to the point. At any rate it sounds like he doesn't want to date, so lay back on all the texting. 

Make this your new manta: TEXING IS NOT DATING.

Well, to be fair, it wasn't that many texts, just what I told you guys. It's just that it would sometimes be 10-20 minutes between responses from him so.....yeah, eventually it adds up. 

[d0nnivain]

It may be too late to try it.  Now you have to add a line about apologizing for yesterday's fiasco.  But what have you got to lose?  This relationship is already in taters. 

Other then when you engaged in trickle truth at the beginning you seem to be clear in your writing so I think you can polish your communications.  It is a skill not an art so lessons will help.  

[TheBlingRing14]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It may be too late to try it.  Now you have to add a line about apologizing for yesterday's fiasco.  But what have you got to lose?  This relationship is already in taters. 

Other then when you engaged in trickle truth at the beginning you seem to be clear in your writing so I think you can polish your communications.  It is a skill not an art so lessons will help.  

Not to be rude, but what am I apologizing for, for yesterday's fiasco? I didn't do or say anything wrong, other than not getting to the point fast enough. Is that something I really need to apologize for? 

I am actually good at communications in some ways and absolute rubbish at it in others. In person, I am decent to pretty good. Terrified of public speaking, but always aced debate or speech classes....that kind of good. I am also pretty good at writing, as I am trained in English and journalism. BUT...when my brain gets involved, that's when everything goes haywire. Anytime I have to think, think quickly especially, I become a puddle of myself. I'm terribly insecure, so as I said before, I overthink...a lot. 

I think my only hope at this point is to meet someone who is willing to put up with me the same way my family and friends have learned to. 

[d0nnivain]

Yes you have to apologize for not getting to the point fast enough.  That is part of your problem.  You dance around & act coy.  You need to learn to be more straightforward. 

You say you are journalist.  So stop burying the lead.  A well written news story has all the facts you need in the 1st paragraph.  As the story goes on details & color are added but the important stuff is up front.  Treat your interactions with your BF like a story -- get the important stuff out up front.    

[FMW]

The problem is now he's completely lost patience, so yes - you have to be willing to apologize for continuing in the same manner that led to his exasperation.  

[kismetkismet]

I think I'd walk away from this situation. If you have trouble communicating in awkward situations, you're going to have trouble turning this one around because he's obviously pretty irritated by your lack of direct communication.

But don't give up on communicating properly entirely! With the next guy AVOID SO MUCH TEXTING before you get to know each other. Texting is a nightmare for over-thinkers because it's It makes it wayyy too easy to misread things and/or psych yourself out of saying things, and then you wind up being coy or irritatingly indirect. At least talk on the phone, so your brain doesn't have so much time to sabotage the conversation between each sentence. But better yet stick to dates - if you're good at debate then you can clearly think on your toes. Let the person know that you're not a great texter as well. 

[TheBlingRing14]

41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes you have to apologize for not getting to the point fast enough.  That is part of your problem.  You dance around & act coy.  You need to learn to be more straightforward. 

You say you are journalist.  So stop burying the lead.  A well written news story has all the facts you need in the 1st paragraph.  As the story goes on details & color are added but the important stuff is up front.  Treat your interactions with your BF like a story -- get the important stuff out up front.    

One small correction. I am not a journalist. That's what my training and education is, yes. But, I made my career in accounting, actually. Which, kind of makes sense. Facts and figures. It requires thinking of course, but a different part of the brain than the part that gives me fits with interpersonal stuff. Logical. Reliable. 

Nevertheless, I have fond memories of my higher education, and still use those teachings and techniques in my daily life. So, your "bury the lede" analogy really rang a bell for me. I'll give it a try, give it a shot. It may not be the cure-all, but it might be the first step toward working on my communications issues. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

 for yesterday's fiasco?

If interactions are becoming fiascos, you need to consider that you are not compatible. It may not be about communication, but personality. It may be about the coy thing, dating style, expectations, etc.

[TheBlingRing14]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If interactions are becoming fiascos, you need to consider that you are not compatible. It may not be about communication, but personality. It may be about the coy thing, dating style, expectations, etc.

I didn't consider it a fiasco....I was just repeating/quoting what the other poster said. 

[TheBlingRing14]

Thanks to all for your advisement. I will keep you updated. 

At this point, what would your recommendation be, considering where things are at right now?

A) Take a step back. Let things settle. Let him come to me, if he doesn't obviously I would walk away. 

B) Give him a call and give him the apology and promise to do better/ask him out, etc. now and see how he reacts.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Well....last night was an absolute dumpster fire. 

Ok  "an absolute dumpster fire", not "fiasco".