Communication problem, and now he has pulled back

[lurker74]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

that doesn't give HIM the right to be hurt  / upset / mad. 

Actually, @d0nnivain, it does give him the right to be hurt. He, like @TheBlingRing14, has a right to every one of his emotions. Unfortunately, his response to that hurt (or whatever he was feeling) indicates that he does not have a good separation between emotion and his response. OP, I'd take away from this that when he gets grumpy, he's not great at dealing with it and when it dissipates, he's not great at addressing it after the fact (and therefore uses the time-old technique used by many of us men of pretending it never happened).

Is that ideal? Not by a long shot. But a significant majority of men (and many women) act that way so you have to decide if that kind of behavior (flash emotional response, shut down, and then let it go) is acceptable in the long-term, because it likely is something that will stay. 

Ultimately, I would probably let it lie but I would pay attention to the next time it happens and start devising a strategy for addressing it with him, assuming you want this to be long-term.

[d0nnivain]

You are right @lurker74  The Guy can feel however he feels but since the OP is trying to mend fences here a good guy would be responsive to that, not continue to pout. He has poor conflict resolution skills. 

[TheBlingRing14]

26 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are right @lurker74  The Guy can feel however he feels but since the OP is trying to mend fences here a good guy would be responsive to that, not continue to pout. He has poor conflict resolution skills. 

Okay so I may have left out a few little details, which...may or may not matter. I don't think it matters, but maybe it does. 

So, to be fair, when it comes to the original confusion, I do think we both took responsibility for the problem. We both acknowledged that it was a combination of both our parts that led to the miscommunication. So, we blamed both ourselves and each other. I think the issues crop up with the aftermath of it. 

So, he did mention, "Hey if you are on your way, I'd love to take you out to lunch." Well, I declined that. I already had my heart set on a full day with him. I already had my heart set on what we had talked about. I didn't want to just have lunch. I wanted to spend time together. 

The next issue is he asked me 4 or 5 times where I was. And, I wouldn't tell him. I did eventually, but my initial responses were that "It doesn't matter." Because, honestly, it didn't matter. I could be a mile away, 100 miles away, in Timbuktu, the fact remained that he was already at work, and I didn't want him to feel obligated to re-arrange his day for me. Now, if he CHOSE to, that would be one thing. But, I didn't want him to feel obligated to. So, I think probably the fact that I wouldn't tell him where I was, several times, probably only added to the irritability. 

Then, came the part where I left it up to him whether I come or whether we plan it for another day, and when he makes the choice, I could see in his eyes how it wasn't the "right" one, due to my response. To be fair to me, it was/is getting to be that time (which he knows), and time was of the essence, at least to me. So, if there was going to be any fun to be had, it needed to be right away. I know he doesn't care; he's said as much to me before.

Anyway....I think all of the above, combined with the miscommunication in the beginning, was just a crap-storm that just sort of blew up. 

[d0nnivain]

Yeah all of that matters a LOT & it changes my advice 180 degree.  

You were the petulant child.  I can now understand why he's being standoffish.  You caused the problem by not being clear that you actually had a date to be together for the day. You showed up but declined his offer for lunch then you pouted. Then you wanted him to read your mind.  None of that was mature. 

Learn to be clear or this will happen again & again.  Stop being coy.  Be direct. Never get mad at people for not reading your mind.  

In your shoes I'd apologize for being immature.  Bake him some cookies & send them to him.  Hopefully food will lead to forgiveness.  

Edited October 14, 2020 by d0nnivain

[FMW]

Good grief.  Too much drama.  No wonder he got irritated.  

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

There was no talk about getting together or re-scheduling our spontaneous day together. 

I kind of want to send him something tomorrow morning, something kind of cheeky, to see if I can sort of re-create the magic from the other day and make something happen.

 

Can you simply suggest a date idea for the weekend or whenever you are both free? The 'cheeky' approach didn't seem to go all that well.

Edited October 14, 2020 by Wiseman2

[TheBlingRing14]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Can you simply suggest a date idea for the weekend or whenever you are both free? The 'cheeky' approach didn't seem to go all that well.

I mean....sure yeah I guess I could. We'll see. 

There was just such a romance to the last-minute, spur-of-the-moment aspect of it that scheduled dates just don't have. 

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/74/51/34/7451340369ddc00779299ef98ae004f8.jpg

That said, if I was smart and playing the long game....I would have realized that being calm now, gains me chances for many, many spur-of-the-moment things in the future. 

 

Anyway, it's kind of tricky now, because I already told him to let me know when he is up for another spontaneous adventure. So, the ball is sort of in his court now. Would it be weird to still suggest a date, anyway?

Edited October 14, 2020 by TheBlingRing14

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

There was just such a romance to the last-minute, spur-of-the-moment aspect of it that scheduled dates just don't have. 

 the ball is sort of in his court now. Would it be weird to still suggest a date, anyway?

Why recreate what turned out as a disastrous misunderstanding? 

[TheBlingRing14]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why recreate what turned out as a disastrous misunderstanding? 

Well...because before the misunderstanding part of it, it was quite a fun, enjoyable thing. There was an air of hope and excitement. 

 

Anyway, you would still recommend trying to schedule a date (meaning, me ask him)?

[CaliforniaGirl]

Just now, TheBlingRing14 said:

Well...because before the misunderstanding part of it, it was quite a fun, enjoyable thing. There was an air of hope and excitement. 

 

Anyway, you would still recommend trying to schedule a date (meaning, me ask him)?

Didn’t you ask him to suggest something? I’d wait for that. TBH, from what you’ve written, you’re coming off as someone who likes to push buttons.

[kismetkismet]

I would just suggest a normal date so you can spend some actual time together. Too much of this is happening over text which leads to a lot of miscommunication, overanalyzing and game playing. Genuine connection should come before cheeky flirtation and contrived spontaneity. It's way easier to understand where the other person is coming from if you feel you actually know them better. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Anyway, you would still recommend trying to schedule a date (meaning, me ask him)?

Yes.  You caused the problem so it's up to you to fix it.  To show that you are truly contrite pick a date that you know he would love even if it's not your cup of tea & you pay for it. 

For example, my husband loves dive bars.  I hate them so when I need to curry favor I always offer to treat him & drive to the local dive.  

 

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Anyway, it's kind of tricky now, because I already told him to let me know when he is up for another spontaneous adventure. So, the ball is sort of in his court now. Would it be weird to still suggest a date, anyway?

No.  He can still later surprise you with the spontaneous romance you want. that is what you told him to get back to you about.  Based on you turning down the lunch he has no idea what you want & is kind of done trying to read your mind.  This is about you getting back in his good graces.  If you don't move to fix this you may never get that spontaneous adventure you want.   If you intend to leave the ball in his court, it will stay there because he's done playing games with you when he doesn't know the rules. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kismetkismet said:

I would just suggest a normal date so you can spend some actual time together.  Genuine connection should come before cheeky flirtation and contrived spontaneity. 

Agree, just suggest a date rather than the spontaneity. In fact the cheeky texts and too much emphasis on spontaneity comes across as flighty or flaky to someone who may prefer to check his schedule, work, has responsibilities or friends, family, sports, whatever they have in their lives.  Spontaneity can come across as "nothing going on" or "willing to blow off work/friends", so it's hard to understand why this is so important right now.

[TheBlingRing14]

1 hour ago, kismetkismet said:

I would just suggest a normal date so you can spend some actual time together. Too much of this is happening over text which leads to a lot of miscommunication, overanalyzing and game playing. Genuine connection should come before cheeky flirtation and contrived spontaneity. It's way easier to understand where the other person is coming from if you feel you actually know them better. 

Yeah....I worry that I am pretty close to burning whatever bridge I have left with this guy. I have pushed him off so many times. Now, granted, they were usually legit reasons. For several weeks, it was Covid, which...I think is a pretty legit thing. One time, he asked me out on the day I had just gotten back from a trip and was jet lagged. One time, he asked me out, to do something I just wasn't quite comfortable enough with him to do yet. (Nothing sexual). Plus I looked like the walking dead. So, I declined. Now....all of these times, it was never a stone cold shut down....it was always more of a "not today, maybe this weekend" or later this week or whatever. But....he usually never followed up. 

On our last date, which went well, things got kind of hot and heavy toward the end, but I shut things down there as well. Again, totally legitimate reason. I had another appointment, and at that point in the day, it was getting close. So, I didn't really want our first time to be this rushed 5 minute thing, then shoving him out the door. I wanted to be able to enjoy/savor the moment, and I told him as much. 

But, the point being.....while I don't know that I would call what happened on Monday "pushing off," I did decline a lunch invite. If he invites me on another date, and I am unable to do it....it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. So, it's probably best that I drive the conversation, for sure.

[smackie9]

Legitimate excuses or not, this is about your availability or lack there of. You can only get so many chances til someone gives up.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Okay so I may have left out a few little details, which...may or may not matter. I don't think it matters, but maybe it does. 

.So, he did mention, "Hey if you are on your way, I'd love to take you out to lunch." Well, I declined that. I already had my heart set on a full day with him. I already had my heart set on what we had talked about. I didn't want to just have lunch. I wanted to spend time together. 

The next issue is he asked me 4 or 5 times where I was. And, I wouldn't tell him. I did eventually, but my initial responses were that "It doesn't matter." Because, honestly, it didn't matter.

Maybe these details matter?

OP, it's pretty convenient that you left all of this out of your initial account of what happened. You were passive aggressive and pouty, and failed to mention that until now. No wonder he's irritated with you. Are you prone to sulking and not taking ownership of your own behaviour? 

[Acacia98]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Legitimate excuses or not, this is about your availability or lack there of. You can only get so many chances til someone gives up.

I agree in principle. But then, at the same time, I wouldn't ask someone out on a date if COVID-19 was a major concern or if they'd just flown back in from wherever and were likely to be jet-lagged. I think OP is definitely partly to blame for the drama. But I don't think the guy is the most considerate man in the universe either.

[TheBlingRing14]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I agree in principle. But then, at the same time, I wouldn't ask someone out on a date if COVID-19 was a major concern or if they'd just flown back in from wherever and were likely to be jet-lagged. I think OP is definitely partly to blame for the drama. But I don't think the guy is the most considerate man in the universe either.

So, according to a male friend of mine, he suggested that the male ego is thus: it doesn't matter how legit the excuse is, it's never going to be legitimate enough for him. A rejected date is a rejected date. If it's Covid, you should want to see him more than you are afraid of catching Covid. If it's jet lag, you should want to see him enough that you push through the jet lag. 

According to my friend, it may seem silly, it may not make sense. But, it's the way the male mind works. 

[TheBlingRing14]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Yeah all of that matters a LOT & it changes my advice 180 degree.  

You were the petulant child.  I can now understand why he's being standoffish.  You caused the problem by not being clear that you actually had a date to be together for the day. You showed up but declined his offer for lunch then you pouted. Then you wanted him to read your mind.  None of that was mature. 

Learn to be clear or this will happen again & again.  Stop being coy.  Be direct. Never get mad at people for not reading your mind.  

In your shoes I'd apologize for being immature.  Bake him some cookies & send them to him.  Hopefully food will lead to forgiveness.  

He's not a huge fan of sweets but I'll try to come up with something. 

As far as being coy, I guess I have just always subscribed to the whole "drop the hanky" school of thought....you don't outright make the first move, but you facilitate the first move. You make the guy think it was their idea. But, you plant the seed, so that they can be the man. 

I know it sounds bad...I know it IS bad. But, I assure you, my thoughts were never laced with anything mal-intentioned. When I said that it's fine, don't worry about it....I wasn't trying to be witchy, it really was fine. When I wouldn't tell him where I was, it wasn't me trying to be passive aggressive....it was me not wanting him to feel obligated to entertain me, or be stressed about work. 

As far as declining lunch, it wasn't really me pouting, so much as I was hoping that we could re-schedule the full day for another day together. I didn't really wanna drive all the way there, for a 45 minute lunch, if I might be able to see him over the weekend or in a week or something. Yes, I was bummed that it was just lunch and not the whole day together, and I told him that. And, I see how it came across as pouting. And maybe it was, in a small sense. 

And, yes, I was disappointed after getting my hopes up, and I am sure that came across. But trust me....if I had known this was going to become a thing, I would have driven there for lunch 100 times over rather than what happened. 

 

 

 

 

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes.  You caused the problem so it's up to you to fix it.  To show that you are truly contrite pick a date that you know he would love even if it's not your cup of tea & you pay for it. 

For example, my husband loves dive bars.  I hate them so when I need to curry favor I always offer to treat him & drive to the local dive.  

 

No.  He can still later surprise you with the spontaneous romance you want. that is what you told him to get back to you about.  Based on you turning down the lunch he has no idea what you want & is kind of done trying to read your mind.  This is about you getting back in his good graces.  If you don't move to fix this you may never get that spontaneous adventure you want.   If you intend to leave the ball in his court, it will stay there because he's done playing games with you when he doesn't know the rules. 

I will try, but it's not looking good. 

 

[FMW]

I think you are relying far too much on the advice given in popular books and videos about how to get a guy.  There seems to be a lot of orchestration going on.  

Just pay attention to what your guy is saying and doing and react/respond accordingly.  Throw out the play book.  

I've learned in my current relationship that my guy tells me a lot of things in his own way that I could easily miss if I was too much in my head instead of really paying attention to him. 

Edited October 14, 2020 by FMW

[Lotsgoingon]

8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

. Now, if he CHOSE to, that would be one thing. But, I didn't want him to feel obligated to.

 

This here is so off track. Either he's an adult who can choose his actions or he's not. If you think he's a kid, who can be manipulated and can't give a real answer as to whether he wants to spend time with you, then you have no business dating him. You got some type of copendent thing going on here ... may codependent isn't the word. Some kind of insecurity that's getting in the way. I think both of you guys have issues.

And the problem is NOT communication. You can change all the wording and language and you guys would be right where you are. This is a relationship problem, not a communication problem. 

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

So, he did mention, "Hey if you are on your way, I'd love to take you out to lunch." Well, I declined that. I already had my heart set on a full day with him. I already had my heart set on what we had talked about. I didn't want to just have lunch. I wanted to spend time together. 

Bling, I'm not understanding your thought process here^.  He asked you to lunch, but you declined the invite because you wanted the entire day with him?  So it's all or nothing?  

Then you say you wanted to spend time together, but isn't having lunch spending time together?  

I'm totally confused.  

Also you mentioned that when you turn down dates, you say "maybe another time, maybe this weekend," but it never happens because HE never followed up.

Well, did YOU follow up?  You are the one who declined his date invite, you should be following up.

I don't mean to sound harsh or anything but you sound a bit self-entitled imo.

His friend is right, when you are really into a guy, you make time, you want to make time! 

if you dont look your best, you hop in the shower, dry your hair, put on some blush and lip gloss and out the door!  If you're tired, you want to see him anyway and get a second wind when you see him.  You don't keep finding excuses not to see him and wait for him to follow up, YOU follow up.

Are you into this guy Bling?  I'm seriously wondering now. 

If you are, please rethink how you interact and respond to him otherwise you risk losing him.

[TheBlingRing14]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree, just suggest a date rather than the spontaneity. In fact the cheeky texts and too much emphasis on spontaneity comes across as flighty or flaky to someone who may prefer to check his schedule, work, has responsibilities or friends, family, sports, whatever they have in their lives.  Spontaneity can come across as "nothing going on" or "willing to blow off work/friends", so it's hard to understand why this is so important right now.

Actually, he is the spontaneous one, and I am the planner. 

I so very rarely get the opportunity to be spontaneous, that I guess that's probably why I was so excited about it. 

[TheBlingRing14]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

I think you are relying far too much on the advice given in popular books and videos about how to get a guy.  There seems to be a lot of orchestration going on.  

Just pay attention to what your guy is saying and doing and react/respond accordingly.  Throw out the play book.  

I've learned in my current relationship that my guy tells me a lot of things in his own way that I could easily miss if I was too much in my head instead of really paying attention to him. 

 

I definitely don't disagree with this. 

I am a bit of an amateur Google Researcher. I look up everything. I read article after article after article. I watch video after video after video. So, I definitely need to not rely so much on that. Throw out the playbook, like you said. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

So, according to a male friend of mine, he suggested that the male ego is thus: it doesn't matter how legit the excuse is, it's never going to abe legitimate enough for him. A rejected date is a rejected date. If it's Covid, you should want to see him more than you are afraid of catching Covid. If it's jet lag, you should want to see him enough that you push through the jet lag. 

According to my friend, it may seem silly, it may not make sense. But, it's the way the male mind works. 

I don't think it's a male thing. I think it's just a huge-ego thing (if my experiences with some female friends and relatives are anything to go by). But I've definitely dated guys with this trait, and let's just say I wasn't heartbroken when they dumped me.

Edited October 15, 2020 by Acacia98