TheBlingRing14 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Yesterday, the guy I'm seeing and I were chatting in the morning, and the conversation steered toward, "I'll call in sick, let's spend the day together" yada yada yada. Anyway, he was serious, I was serious, BUT 1) he didn't realize I had the day off work and 2) my flirty/silly responses he didn't realize I was being serious. Things like, "How can I refuse?" and "I'll be there soon." I was being serious....he thought I was just being flirtatious. Well, in the mean time, he actually goes to work, and when he realizes I'm really on my way, he's like..."Wait, what?" We chalked it up to an error in communication, he suggested that I be more clear in cases like that. I told him like 5 times, "It's okay, it's fine" And I really, REALLY did mean it. I wasn't mad. But, the more I would say it, the more he would get mad that I wasn't communicating with him. He mentioned he could try to move his schedule around, which I said was entirely up to him. Ultimately, he suggested we skip yesterday and try for another day this week. I told him that I really didn't think the rest of this week would work. I apologized for being a pain, at which point, he snapped at me and said that he was tired and done talking about it. We briefly talked around lunch time, but nothing beyond that. I didn't hear anything from him the rest of the night, which is unusual. So, I reached out. He did respond, but it was clear he was upset and he wasn't really engaged in the conversation. So, I did tell him that I had worked on things on my end, so if he wanted to try to make sometime this week happen, I could probably make it work. I thought that would earn some sort of positive feedback, but...not really. Finally, I asked how his day was, and....no response. Now, he had been up all night the night before, so I figured maybe, maybe he was exhausted and had crashed. But, I still have not received anything. So, it is becoming clearer that he is deliberately not answering me. I really don't know what to do at this point, and what I did that was SO wrong...other than the communication mixup, but he seems awfully upset for it to be that, so it's almost like...there is something else to it that made him even more mad. And, it seems like he got more agitated and more distant as the day went on. The only thing I can think of is just the whole back and forth of I'm available today, I'm not available the rest of the week, I don't care it's up to you, but...if we can't do it today, it might be a while....maybe it just seemed too exhausting, too much work, too high-drama. The thing that is so frustrating is I really was/am fine. I would never expect him to take off work for me, he was the one that suggested it. Give him time, give him space? Sure, I guess.....but can you think of anything else? Can you think of anything else that could have him pulling back so much?
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) I don't know why this is yours to fix. He's the one who caused the initial communications problem & he's the one behaving like a jerk now. He inconvenienced you & while you were gracious enough to let it slide he ought to be kissing your tail by way of apology not sulking. I'd be taken aback by the sulking which would lead me to Q his problem solving skills because it seems like he doesn't have any. Maybe he has some issue where he thinks you ought to rearrange your life for him even if he's not willing to do the same for you. he could also be one of those who gets all bent out of shape when their SO can't read their mind. Edited October 13, 2020 by d0nnivain 5 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 That whole thing is kinda weird. Maybe you are better off without him. 5
schlumpy Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 You didn't mention the length of the relationship which could be important. I agree it's something else. You might know. I cannot not. The way I read it he is using this as a reason to breakup. He could have arranged the day off. Playing hooky with my GF or going to work? The former sounds like a winner.
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: he suggested we skip yesterday and try for another day this week. I had worked on things on my end, so if he wanted to try to make sometime this week happen, I could probably make it work. Why would either of you have to call in sick to date? Is he married/living with someone? Are you? Why would something as simple as arranging a mutually convenient time to meet up be this much drama? Is something else going on? Edited October 13, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 1
FMW Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Seems like a lot of drama over a simple miscommunication. I don't think there's anything else to do but leave it alone and don't bring it up again, and yes, give him some space. His irritation does seem to be unwarranted. I'm guessing he's probably busy with work and maybe dealing with some irritations and just out of patience right now in general. I know I can get unreasonably irritable when I'm dealing with several things at once. That doesn't make it ok to take it out on you of course. Let him be the one to reach out, you've done all you can. If he's being irritable you don't have to deal with that. Spend your free time with friends doing something fun or go have a massage or spa treatment to relax and feel better, try not to think about him for now. 5
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 How long have you been seeing him? few months? To me he's a first class hyper diaper, and I would back away, then turn and run.
poppyfields Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: The only thing I can think of is just the whole back and forth of I'm available today, I'm not available the rest of the week, I don't care it's up to you, but...if we can't do it today, it might be a while....maybe it just seemed too exhausting, too much work, too high drama. I didn't read the other posts, but my first thought when reading was this^^. Sounds like he was super annoyed at the entire interaction, needed some time to chill. But then you called, interrupted his chill time and carried on with the same issue, apologizing, trying to fix, irritating him more. I'd leave him be. If he's into you, he'll come around. If he's not into you, he'll use this as an excuse to dump you, blaming you saying he's tired of the drama, whatever That's typically how it works. But for next time, when you sense a guy pulling away, needing space after an argument or miscommunication, leave him be. Don't text or call trying to fix, it will annoy him and he will pull back further. Just like your guy did. Edited October 13, 2020 by poppyfields 3
boymommy Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 This sounds weird..like he is trying to find something to get upset at you about. Some people do this either to test their loyalty (like to see how much they’ll put up with), it’s a weird insecurity issue (like he doesnt REALLY believe you were “fine” but just appeasing him,” or he is gaslighting you to try to cause a fight and get you to break up with him. Some people sabotage relationships unconsciously and don’t even realize it. You didnt mention the length of your relationship but this sounds very strange. I think you need to have a VERY direct convo with him and call him out of this behavior. Sight all the things you told us and how it makes you feel and ask him to problem solve with you. If he just gets angry or shuts down and isnt willing to work with you or tell you whats going on with him then reassess if thats the type of partner you want to have. 1
kismetkismet Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 It's possible he thought you were being passive aggressive, especially if this all happened over text. He may have thought you were being insincere when you kept saying "it's fine," and that you were irritated when you said "that's entirely up to you" (implying you don't care) especially since it was followed by your saying that you couldn't make any other day this week work (without explanation?). Even if you didn't mean it, I could see that exchange coming across as you being annoyed, but not wanting to say that outright and instead punishing him by being cold and pulling back to make him feel guilty. Especially since when he stopped being apologetic and got annoyed himself, you told him that you actually COULD make something work that week. 2
poppyfields Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 It's so interesting the different interpretations. I did not sense the OP was annoyed at all, she was anxious and insecure. In her anxious state, she went out of her way to "make nice," fix, over-accommodate. HE was annoyed by the entire interaction, and in turn, her. He needed to chill which imo was fine. Next time let him chill. 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 He is not that into you. When someone is into you, you have a certain amount of "credit" with him/her that will cover minor to moderate misunderstandings and annoyances. 4
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 8 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Yesterday, the guy I'm seeing and I were chatting in the morning, and the conversation steered toward, "I'll call in sick, let's spend the day together" yada yada yada. Anyway, he was serious, I was serious, BUT 1) he didn't realize I had the day off work and 2) my flirty/silly responses he didn't realize I was being serious. Things like, "How can I refuse?" and "I'll be there soon." I was being serious....he thought I was just being flirtatious. Well, in the mean time, he actually goes to work, and when he realizes I'm really on my way, he's like..."Wait, what?" We chalked it up to an error in communication, he suggested that I be more clear in cases like that. I told him like 5 times, "It's okay, it's fine" And I really, REALLY did mean it. I wasn't mad. But, the more I would say it, the more he would get mad that I wasn't communicating with him. He mentioned he could try to move his schedule around, which I said was entirely up to him. Ultimately, he suggested we skip yesterday and try for another day this week. I told him that I really didn't think the rest of this week would work. I apologized for being a pain, at which point, he snapped at me and said that he was tired and done talking about it. We briefly talked around lunch time, but nothing beyond that. I didn't hear anything from him the rest of the night, which is unusual. So, I reached out. He did respond, but it was clear he was upset and he wasn't really engaged in the conversation. So, I did tell him that I had worked on things on my end, so if he wanted to try to make sometime this week happen, I could probably make it work. I thought that would earn some sort of positive feedback, but...not really. Finally, I asked how his day was, and....no response. Now, he had been up all night the night before, so I figured maybe, maybe he was exhausted and had crashed. But, I still have not received anything. So, it is becoming clearer that he is deliberately not answering me. I really don't know what to do at this point, and what I did that was SO wrong...other than the communication mixup, but he seems awfully upset for it to be that, so it's almost like...there is something else to it that made him even more mad. And, it seems like he got more agitated and more distant as the day went on. The only thing I can think of is just the whole back and forth of I'm available today, I'm not available the rest of the week, I don't care it's up to you, but...if we can't do it today, it might be a while....maybe it just seemed too exhausting, too much work, too high-drama. The thing that is so frustrating is I really was/am fine. I would never expect him to take off work for me, he was the one that suggested it. Give him time, give him space? Sure, I guess.....but can you think of anything else? Can you think of anything else that could have him pulling back so much? Don't do AAAAAAAAAAANYTHING it was a well-explained, clear-to-US communication flub. Send him one text/email... explaining that you were already 'off'... and obviously 'ready'... (so your intent cannot be questioned) From HIS point of view... if those phrases came via TEXT, it was easy to mistake their authenticity... so he's not especially at-fault for the INITIAL screw-up/misreading. But you don't want to do anything dumb in the way of REacting when nobody is at fault. (NOR do you want to 'woo' him into doing anything dumb as a REaction) 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) Yeah, his anger is baffling. At the most, someone would have a deep chuckle and disbelief and a friendly apology ... and a mutual laugh. This kind of thing happens. The couples that make it can turn this mishap into a joint moment of humor that they both treasure. They would laugh and laugh the day after ... and then they'd stop and they'd laugh again. He's gone cold on you. That's his fault. You didn't make any mistake. Why the heck are you apologizing? That's what people do in an abusive relationship, they apologize for inhaling air. Sounds like he has no sense of humor ... and I don't mean that in a casual way ... I mean no ability to say, "Oh, I have a role in this mishap." Like some shame got triggered. You sure this is the only problem in the relationship? Edited October 13, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 4
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 He’s too much work. His reaction is overboard and weird, something seems off. I’d dump him and move on. Early on things shouldn’t be this hard or this heated. 3
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 So, I will give a blanket update and then reply individually as necessary: He did reach out today. He seems back to normal, for the most part. He didn't bring anything about yesterday up, so neither did I. Just kept the conversation moving forward as if nothing happened. I will be interested to see what happens later this evening, if anything. If he's more chatty, reaches out, etc. (not hard to be more chatty than yesterday, that's a pretty low bar) If he's not, rather than bug him like I did last night, I will probably give him the space that some of you recommended. He may not be at 100%, and that's fine. It's just a lesson to be learned on how a simple communication issue can escalate to be a bigger deal than you think. 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 14, 2020 Author Posted October 14, 2020 10 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I don't know why this is yours to fix. He's the one who caused the initial communications problem & he's the one behaving like a jerk now. He inconvenienced you & while you were gracious enough to let it slide he ought to be kissing your tail by way of apology not sulking. I'd be taken aback by the sulking which would lead me to Q his problem solving skills because it seems like he doesn't have any. Maybe he has some issue where he thinks you ought to rearrange your life for him even if he's not willing to do the same for you. he could also be one of those who gets all bent out of shape when their SO can't read their mind. Thank you so much, but...something I have learned over the years with dating is....taking responsibility where responsibility is due. I know what was in my heart, and knowing what's in my heart, I know I didn't have any misplaced intentions or anything. But, the truth is....and I can understand his point here...I think deep down, and this is getting way deep, I was silly and flirty because it is easier to do that, it makes me less vulnerable. I think that's why my reaction is "How can I say no?" and "Ooooh, you're speaking my language" instead of what he suggested: "Yes, let's do it." I do think I need to work on being more clear in my communication and not rely so much on innuendo and flirtation and sarcasm.....because tone can definitely cause issues.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 14, 2020 Author Posted October 14, 2020 10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why would either of you have to call in sick to date? Is he married/living with someone? Are you? Why would something as simple as arranging a mutually convenient time to meet up be this much drama? Is something else going on? No, no it wasn't that. We don't HAVE to. It was more about the entire experience of it, the spontaneity, the excitement of doing it. We were both up extra early and texting and the idea came up, and we just kept talking more and more about it. And, it just sounded fun. 2
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 14, 2020 Author Posted October 14, 2020 9 hours ago, poppyfields said: I didn't read the other posts, but my first thought when reading was this^^. Sounds like he was super annoyed at the entire interaction, needed some time to chill. But then you called, interrupted his chill time and carried on with the same issue, apologizing, trying to fix, irritating him more. I'd leave him be. If he's into you, he'll come around. If he's not into you, he'll use this as an excuse to dump you, blaming you saying he's tired of the drama, whatever That's typically how it works. But for next time, when you sense a guy pulling away, needing space after an argument or miscommunication, leave him be. Don't text or call trying to fix, it will annoy him and he will pull back further. Just like your guy did. Just in case you didn't catch the update, he did come around, at least a little, so that's hopefully a good sign. Like I said, and like you mention....from everything I have read over the course of my dating life, I know that men like things to be simple, easy, breezy. When things get confusing and complicated and dramatic, they tend to check out. Not saying that is ALWAYS the thing that happens. But, again, from what I've read, and what I've experienced first hand.....the drama can usually be an express pass to Breakup City.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 14, 2020 Author Posted October 14, 2020 4 hours ago, kismetkismet said: It's possible he thought you were being passive aggressive, especially if this all happened over text. He may have thought you were being insincere when you kept saying "it's fine," and that you were irritated when you said "that's entirely up to you" (implying you don't care) especially since it was followed by your saying that you couldn't make any other day this week work (without explanation?). Even if you didn't mean it, I could see that exchange coming across as you being annoyed, but not wanting to say that outright and instead punishing him by being cold and pulling back to make him feel guilty. Especially since when he stopped being apologetic and got annoyed himself, you told him that you actually COULD make something work that week. Yes, all over text. Oh I absolutely think that's how he was interpreting it. Even as the conversation was happening, I knew in my mind that it is a common trope that "fine" usually doesn't mean fine. I tried to use verbiage like, "Truly, it's okay, don't worry about it." or things like that so that it wasn't a simple, "It's fine." And he just kept getting more and more annoyed. He kept saying "Talk to me." And I really didn't know what to tell him. Other than it was fine, and not to worry about it. Oh absolutely. From a third party vantage point, I could definitely see how it could come across the wrong way. Like I said before, I know what was in my heart. I know I meant what I said and that I wasn't upset or punishing him or anything like that. As to telling him I could make it work.....it's not an ideal resolution, and it takes some creativity; I planned to tell him, no matter what his mood was. Like I said, I was hoping his reaction would be an excited one. But, I can definitely see how it could come across that I was being petty, and then changed my mind once he got mad at me. (This is not the case)
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 Do you two usually have big miscommunications like this? Or is this the first time you've seen this side of him? I think there's something else going on with him. He over-reacted. Even if he's "come around" now, I would keep an eye on this and not be so quick to assume the blame here. He has accountability in this, too. 3
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 14, 2020 Author Posted October 14, 2020 32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Do you two usually have big miscommunications like this? Or is this the first time you've seen this side of him? I think there's something else going on with him. He over-reacted. Even if he's "come around" now, I would keep an eye on this and not be so quick to assume the blame here. He has accountability in this, too. We've had miscommunications before, yes, but nothing monumental.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted October 14, 2020 Author Posted October 14, 2020 UPDATE: So, he did message me again tonight, and we talked a bit. There was no talk about getting together or re-scheduling our spontaneous day together. Haha. I'm laughing at the notion of scheduling a spontaneous day. But, still....it's a bummer. I kind of want to send him something tomorrow morning, something kind of cheeky, to see if I can sort of re-create the magic from the other day and make something happen. I'm sure that's not a good idea. I'm sure that I need to let him be the one to bring it up, IF he brings it up. I'm also sure that if I send him some silly picture or flirty comment or something like that first thing tomorrow, it will be obvious what I am doing. So, I probably won't. But, my week off is getting shorter and shorter. And, the window of opportunity for a fun day of hooky (for him) is getting smaller and smaller.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I kind of want to send him something tomorrow morning, something kind of cheeky, to see if I can sort of re-create the magic from the other day and make something happen. I'm sure that's not a good idea. I'm sure that I need to let him be the one to bring it up, IF he brings it up. I'm also sure that if I send him some silly picture or flirty comment or something like that first thing tomorrow, it will be obvious what I am doing. You saw how well that approach worked before...I wouldn't do it. He doesn't seem to appreciate that sort of thing right now. Edited October 14, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
d0nnivain Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 12 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: I do think I need to work on being more clear in my communication and not rely so much on innuendo and flirtation and sarcasm.....because tone can definitely cause issues. OK fine. You didn't straight up say Yes so that he understood you would be coming. You then inconvenienced yourself but again that doesn't give HIM the right to be hurt / upset / mad. You were the one who went out of her way. Nothing happened to him except finding a different mutually agreeable time to see each other is difficult. I applaud your ownership of your part in this but where is his? 2
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