laelithia Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Hi ladies! I need a little advice/take on things. I started talking to someone on a dating app (he super liked me in early July, we chatted a little but then I stopped replying once I started seeing someone else). I then messaged him back in late September with my text and explained I had to go back to my home city and wasn’t checking the app much. Anyway, he messaged me and he seemed quite nice. However, he lives in another city about 2 hours away by ferry but was back later in the week so we scheduled a date for Thursday. It went really well, he’s very intelligent and a bit of a nerd, he basically builds robotics for medical equipment. At first he didn’t seem to me that he was into me, but surprisingly after dinner he told me he really liked me and would like to see me again. We hugged and he asked if we could kiss. I said okay, and it was really good! I asked when he was going back to his city, he said he had a trip booked on Saturday but asked if he could see me tomorrow. I told him I was busy until 8ish but would try to squeeze him in. Long story short, I invited him over after I was done and he came over around 9. We talked, it was good conversation, and somehow we started making out. Eventually he asked to go to my room, and I said yes. I didn’t think it was such a bad idea since he was leaving for a couple weeks and I was curious if we had chemistry in that department. We definitely did. Afterwards he asked if we could cuddle and we did. I asked if he wanted to stay the night, he said he did and we were quite cuddly until the morning. In the morning, we cuddled and he stayed until he had to board the ferry. Anyway, once he left I requested to add him on Facebook (looking back I shouldn’t have done that! But I have a lot of people on my social media and it doesn’t mean much to me) and Instagram. He didn’t accept right away, but I didn’t think anything of it until now. A day or so later we messaged back and forth and he let me know he was coming back into town the next week. Since I knew it was his birthday during that week I asked if he had any fun plans (maybe he thought I was coming on too strong?) and he didn’t reply for a few days. On Saturday I sent him a light text saying I’d had a busy week, wondering if he had too and just wanted to say hi. He didn’t reply and later that night I had a little too much to drink and called him at 1am leaving a silly voicemail. Nothing too bad, but I still shouldn’t have called so late. Later the next day he messaged me “ Hey! Apologies for the radio silence. Long week indeed. A lot happened… When I was away last week my mom was talking about putting her house up for sale. She’s transitioning out of a 4 year chemo recovery period to finally seriously interviewing for work, and decided she needs to sell her place at the same time. Long story short it’s all happening really quickly and it’s already on the market and I basically committed to helping her buy another place. I think that the mortgage, house search and helping her move and reno (hopefully very minorly) will probably be most of my next two months, so I’m realistically not sure when I’ll get a chance to hang again :(“ he then asked about my work and what my plans were for thanksgiving. I didn’t initially reply, I figured it was just a polite way of pulling away. I mentioned it to my friend and she said it was definitely possible that’s what he was doing, but it was also possible that he was telling the truth and by him asking following questions he was still trying to keep in touch. I replied (rather rushed today with a couple typos…) “ Hey, sorry about the late night call the other night…. a tad foe many tequilas for me. No worried, my mom went through the same thing so I get it. Do what you gotta do, I hope it goes smoothly as possible!” And what my plans were. I guess now I’m just wondering if there’s anything else I should say, or just leave it. I feel silly that he obviously took some time to message me what was going on for him and I just replied with silly typos. Do you think he was just letting me down easy which may or may not be due to my blunders or do you think he was being honest? He did mention his mom on our first date and told me his dad is not in the picture and is an only child, so I don’t think he’s lying about how busy he is, but maybe he just wanted to make it clear that I am not a priority?
Author laelithia Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 *and gentlemen! Sorry about that 1
Mrin Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 It could be any of the above. I don't think it's anything that you did that drove him off if that's what actually happened. And I think you left it exactly as you should have. And leave it you should. The ball is in his court don't reach out to him again unless he reaches out to you first.
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 It sounds like it was just for sex...I would let it go. 3
Erik30 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Yeah I think he was trying to let you down easy. Not being available for two months is a long time... he would probably find a way if he really was interested, I'm sure he's not busy 24 hours each and every day. Also it's never a good sign when you suddenly have to wait days to get a reply 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 I think your instinct that he's trying to let you down easily is correct, OP. Whatever the real reason behind his delayed responses and indication that he is going to be tied up for a while, this isn't a guy who's interested in keeping this going. At least you know not to put any more eggs in this basket. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 It would be much better for you to adjust your dating apps settings to local parameters. 2 hrs is way too far. Make sure you have a good profile and pics, use appropriate matching and screening. Don't waste time on chitchat and adding randoms to social media especially long distance and backtracking to people you ghosted. If you can't, won't meet in person after a couple of messages, stop communicating. Consider some quality (paid) dating apps and meeting men in real life.
smackie9 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 If a man was interested he would have kept the communication strong and would have made time or at least work on it....when things die off right after sex....it was just for sex. 3
Author laelithia Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 Hi everyone, Thanks for your replies. I actually do have my settings for local, but he still works in my city and only moved 2 hours away after Covid and can work remotely. He still comes to the city twice a month, but I suppose it would have made things difficult to seriously date based on that alone. Based on what I described, do you think this is due to my actions or do you think this is someone that isn’t interested in a relationship? He told me his last 3 year relationship ended in January/February of this year. He mentioned that it was an open relationship for the last few months and he had an open relationship in the past, I can’t remember if it was the one before that or not. I’m not sure if any of this is relevant, but I suppose I found it odd that he showed so much interest when we marched months ago, replied right away after I hadn’t talked to him for months, and then told me how much he liked me after the first date, to then decide to bow out. To those who think he was only interested in sex from the beginning, does that mean that even if I had waited, he would have probably bowed out after anyway, even if it was down the road? I ask because on one hand I sort of regret it, yet on the other I don’t. We were safe, he asked my consent before and during, and he was very generous and very good (probably experienced!) in that department and usually I don’t enjoy myself physically that much the first time with someone, but I did with him. I suppose I’m just a little bummed he didn’t want to see each other again, but I guess that’s his business. Lastly, do you think it’s alright how I left the last message, even with all those typos? I’m kicking myself for that… I’m usually very good at writing and he’s so intelligent I feel silly that I did that. I was thinking of just adding that I was with family during thanksgiving and that’s why I was rushed, and that I forgot to mention I liked the book he recommended to me, or I could wait until the 20th to wish him a happy birthday. Orrr I could just leave it! Embarrassment and all haha
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, laelithia said: He still comes to the city twice a month He mentioned that it was an open relationship for the last few months and he had an open relationship in the past Decide if you are ok with this type of distance, this type of relationship and this type of guy. Why can't you move forward to local men who whish to date exclusively and who you can see on a regular basis rather than a swinging by twice a month hookup? He obviously does not believe in exclusive relationships. Is he married/living with someone? Edited October 13, 2020 by Wiseman2
Author laelithia Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Decide if you are ok with this type of distance, this type of relationship and this type of guy. Why can't you move forward to local men who whish to date exclusively and who you can see on a regular basis rather than a swinging by twice a month hookup? He obviously does not believe in exclusive relationships. Is he married/living with someone? As in because he had this type of relationship in the past, it’s likely that’s the kind he would want moving forward? Like I mentioned, he told me he has been single for around 10 months. I suppose no way of knowing if that’s the truth or not... maybe that was the hesitation of adding me on social media? I have been going on dates with another man who is local, but also very busy, but he does put in a lot of effort. I suppose we’ll see how that pans out.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Sorry, I don't think he's that into you. If he were, he'd be a lot more in touch and moving things forward. 1
boymommy Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) You should have waited to sleep with him. until a relationship was established given he lives 2 hrs away..I think sex too soon plus your mindset of naturally getting insecure at his pulling away sort of killed any chances to get a relationship off the ground. Next time hold off on sex and dont feel threatened by a guy not being around..not sleeping with him will actually want to make him see you MORE not less (if he is not just interested in banging you that is) This guy was just interested in the sex it seems and that was it. I think you can get a relationship off the ground by sleeping with a guy quick but its a lot harder. There has to be something to build off of. Edited October 13, 2020 by boymommy
ExpatInItaly Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 4 hours ago, laelithia said: Lastly, do you think it’s alright how I left the last message, even with all those typos? I’m kicking myself for that… I’m usually very good at writing and he’s so intelligent I feel silly that I did that. I was thinking of just adding that I was with family during thanksgiving and that’s why I was rushed, and that I forgot to mention I liked the book he recommended to me, or I could wait until the 20th to wish him a happy birthday. Orrr I could just leave it! Embarrassment and all haha Just leave it here, laelithia. Any other messages regarding typos or the book or his birthday is only going to look a little cringe-y at this point, given that he has already bowed out.
poppyfields Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: It sounds like it was just for sex...I would let it go. This^ and next time a man from a dating app who lives a distance away messages you, delete him. There is a reason he's not seeking out local women, none good. Avoidant, non-committal, in a relationship. Best to avoid. Edited October 13, 2020 by poppyfields
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 He’s just not into you. Any contact now with him will make you seem desperate. I’ve been on dates with quite a few dudes like this and they will seem all into it at first but then fade away til I don’t hear from them anymore. At first it was confusing because there seemed to be great chemistry but obviously only I felt that way and they didn’t. Had to learn not to take it personally and move on to the next one lol 1
smackie9 Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 If you had waiting he would have ghosted anyways. He pursued hard because he had you on the hook and no other prospects. There is nothing different you could have done to change the outcome in your favor...nope, nadda.
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 3 hours ago, smackie9 said: If you had waiting he would have ghosted anyways. He pursued hard because he had you on the hook and no other prospects. There is nothing different you could have done to change the outcome in your favor...nope, nadda. I think this is probably true, because of him not seeming very interested in the beginning. I wouldn't have slept with him because of this...it was a roll of the dice and the possibility of disappointment...live and learn.
kismetkismet Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 It sounds to me like he was always looking for something casual and then started to pull back once he caught on that you wanted more. It's possible that if you'd played it a little cooler that he would have made more of an effort to see you again, but someone interested in dating you seriously wouldn't have been scared off by the way you acted. It probably would have just dragged out the casual situation longer. This is obviously a generalization, but people that are into open relationships are sometimes more prone to having ongoing casual relationships. For you, dating is a gateway to a monogamous relationship (I assume), but he's likely used to having multiple casual situations in different areas of the city.
boymommy Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 1 hour ago, kismetkismet said: It sounds to me like he was always looking for something casual and then started to pull back once he caught on that you wanted more. It's possible that if you'd played it a little cooler that he would have made more of an effort to see you again, but someone interested in dating you seriously wouldn't have been scared off by the way you acted. It probably would have just dragged out the casual situation longer. This is obviously a generalization, but people that are into open relationships are sometimes more prone to having ongoing casual relationships. For you, dating is a gateway to a monogamous relationship (I assume), but he's likely used to having multiple casual situations in different areas of the city. I agree with this totally! I waited to sleep with someone who wanted a casual relationship with me (before I met my boyfriend). I thought it would make him want a more serious committed relationship because he invited me to sleep over me and took me out to dinner (after I waited to sleep with him). Then when I caught on he was seeing/texting/sleeping with other girls I realized he never wanted a relationship to begin with, he was just doing those things to get sex and to appease me. Lesson learned. Its a rarity to turn something casual into something more serious if thats not what a guy is after..not saying it doesnt happen. Its just probably rare.
Author laelithia Posted October 15, 2020 Author Posted October 15, 2020 (edited) Thanks for your replies everyone! It makes me feel better that he was likely not looking for anything serious anyway and it wasn’t really anything I did to “scare” him away. It would have been a tough long distance relationship anyway (I am not yet even fully moved to the city we matched in yet) and I have been going on dates with others that seem more promising. He ended up replying Tuesday morning, saying “Thank you! And you too My friends and I had an epic lamb shank dinner yesterday ” and commented on the weather in my home city (I forgot to mention that I said “Happy Thanksgiving” at the end of my text on Monday). Any point for me to reply? Edited October 15, 2020 by laelithia
boymommy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 1 hour ago, laelithia said: Thanks for your replies everyone! It makes me feel better that he was likely not looking for anything serious anyway and it wasn’t really anything I did to “scare” him away. It would have been a tough long distance relationship anyway (I am not yet even fully moved to the city we matched in yet) and I have been going on dates with others that seem more promising. He ended up replying Tuesday morning, saying “Thank you! And you too My friends and I had an epic lamb shank dinner yesterday ” and commented on the weather in my home city (I forgot to mention that I said “Happy Thanksgiving” at the end of my text on Monday). Any point for me to reply? No, I think you should just move on. Beware though that his interest may come back once you stop talking to him because you aren't "available" anymore and it's like a little game of cat and mouse (can he get you again? maybe? maybe not?) I had that happen multiple times when I tried to move on from casual dating type guys..they kept coming back and texting me! Even after I met my boyfriend they would chase me! I tried to keep in mind this wasn't REAL interest, but rather a twisted little game, and so I just ignored them/blocked them and eventually they stopped. You want guys who want something real and are actually interested in you, not just the "chase." 1 1
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