mortensorchid Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 I try very hard not to loose hope that someday, somehow I will find someone. I try that whole "You matter, don't give up" mentality. And as I am in my mid 40s, still look like a teenager (save for a few grey/silver hairs), and have been told I have a pretty face. I have a fun personality and an active social life (pre Covid of course). And what happens? Nothing. I go out on an internet date or two once in a while, never hear a word from them again. Never meet anyone in real life, have had plenty of emotional abuse from guys I have been with (they've said "I am going to get another gf even better than you", "I don't want a relationship with you but do with someone else", "You're not taking care of me like I expect other women to", etc.). Get an education? I have. Busy working hard? I am. Involved in things? Yes I am. What's wrong with me? The men sure don't want to commit to me because I am serious about life. Instead they seem to go for dramatics and princesses because it stimulates them in some way. That's what they want? I suppose. Anyone else feel that way? I am talking to the women on this one. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 MO, if those are your examples of "plenty of emotional abuse," I'd hate to see what the things I have personally experienced from men would do to you! You've gotten countless pages of advice here about softening yourself up a little, not being so judgmental about other women and cold and standoffish to men.....even dressing and presenting yourself to be closer to your age/more mature than looking like a teenager....I wonder how much of the advice you actually take to heart. Looking like a teenager in your 40s isn't necessarily something to aspire to. Maybe it's turning mature men off. I mean, men like younger women of course if they are sexy younger women. A 40 something women in a t-shirt and Chucks, not so much--at least not as a first impression. (I'm making assumptions here) It's mostly your attitude you need to work on I think, but advice seems to fall on deaf ears with you. I can't remember.....are you on the spectrum? 5 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 It doesn't hurt to take a break sometimes. You tend not to get good results when you're feeling burnt out and hopeless. Focus on other goals for a while and come back to dating when you feel more hopeful. I really think you're going to meet a good guy eventually. 2
lovebooks Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Watch 90 Day Fiancé on TLC channel for a while. Check out those relationships. Stacey and Darcey (twins) , for example, are 45 year old twins from Connecticut always looking for love. This is a reality show that focuses on relationships between Americans and their foreign born lovers. They have 90 days to marry to get a K-1 Visa. It's worth taking a look at the crazy relationships of others while you're taking a break .
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 My opinion for whatever it's worth...you need to warm up a little and not be so standoffish. 5
Versacehottie Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 I agree with the "countless pages of advice", I afraid. A. I'm glad you keep trying, that in itself shows you must have some hope. B. I actually would guess your looks are fine as you seem to get a decent to good amount of attention initially. C. It feels like from your stories 99% of the time the guy is talking to you or you go on a first "meet" and they disappear. While a lot of that is due to the unreliability of online or app dating itself, statistic alone would attribute a portion of that back to you. That means your attitude or personality is turning off guys who are at least attracted to you (since you get the initial attention). Also if you look young, part of the appeal is that people imagine they will also get someone with some sense of being carefree with that and that is the opposite of what they are getting with interactions with you. So either work on pushing yourself to be more carefree and easygoing or resign yourself to being serious and present yourself the way you come off---something is not aligning well. I personally think you will be better off in the carefree, easygoing zone on the whole but it seems to really really be a challenge for you to conduct yourself like that so maybe just go with what is natural to you (which i have to say is a serious tone) and align everything with that. The thing is a portion of the guys are disappearing because what they thought you'd be like doesn't match up to what you ARE like. D. Just logistically, I've seen some real problems in the way you go about your first dates setting the place and time--playing games there--even if you think you aren't. I think sometimes you are genuinely surprised a guy disappears when you have been difficult or annoying to schedule with. I know you don't see it like that so I don't expect you to see this one clearly. Also the venues you are willing to agree to, don't support the carefree attitude. You want to read like you have a fun attitude then don't insist on a treating a first meet like a business meeting. Guys like a girl who is willing to be a little more adventurous (in their own way). If you are acting hesitant and reluctant to risk ANYTHING, including place, time of where you meet, it becomes part of the message of YOU. E. If you want things to change, you must change. (I don't mean entirely but you have to be willing to stretch, explore, evaluate your side and make adjustments). I said this to you a long time ago that I was worried the changes you were making at that point were so minuscule that you would get discouraged or claim they were not working. I said you had to really work of the same things the others and myself are saying and say repeatedly or you would likely be in the same position and here we are. You are basically doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result. I hope you take THIS thread to heart as I can imagine you will get lots more good advice. I think when you get sad you start one of these woe is me threads but then you don't do anything really differently once your next thread shows an actual dating scenario. I hope you take care of your mental health/attitude as I feel it colors a lot of the story. I think it will be difficult to solve some of the main problems unless you address this. Good luck as always. 10
Calmandfocused Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 From what I’m read from your previous posts, I believe your biggest problem is that you give me the “I don’t give a damn” attitude. I suspect this is what turns men off from taking you seriously. You need to be more warm, open and inviting. And be careful what you say to potential suitors. Some of the things you’ve said to men had given a clear “I’m not interested” message when actually you are. You can’t change others but you can change how you’re approaching, communicating and responding. Work on that is my advice. 2
alphamale Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 i wanted to post something but sound like you want feedback from females only, no problem
balletomane Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 MO, to be honest your posts about dates have all given me the impression that you go out there actively looking for reasons to find fault with guys, to the point that even when they are interested, you find reasons to not to take it any further. Several posters have suggested that you might be sabotaging yourself. Is this because deep down you're afraid of or don't really want a relationship, or because you have unrealistic expectations of what one should involve? I also agree with Versace - something is not adding up in how you present yourself. That is clear even here on Loveshack. For example, here you say that you "take life seriously", but in other threads you've described behaviour that comes across as quite immature (e.g. upsetting your friends by bragging to them about your weight loss, playing games with a new date because you didn't want to "make it too easy for him", and so on). That isn't taking life seriously and nor is it displaying a fun personality. I think you have some unhelpful fixed ideas about how dating is supposed to go and what makes a woman appealing, and you may need to challenge these in order to have more success. 10 1
alphamale Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 3 hours ago, balletomane said: MO, to be honest your posts about dates have all given me the impression that you go out there actively looking for reasons to find fault with guys, to the point that even when they are interested, you find reasons to not to take it any further. Several posters have suggested that you might be sabotaging yourself. Is this because deep down you're afraid of or don't really want a relationship, or because you have unrealistic expectations of what one should involve? I also agree with Versace - something is not adding up in how you present yourself. That is clear even here on Loveshack. For example, here you say that you "take life seriously", but in other threads you've described behaviour that comes across as quite immature (e.g. upsetting your friends by bragging to them about your weight loss, playing games with a new date because you didn't want to "make it too easy for him", and so on). That isn't taking life seriously and nor is it displaying a fun personality. I think you have some unhelpful fixed ideas about how dating is supposed to go and what makes a woman appealing, and you may need to challenge these in order to have more success. ^^^this 1
kendahke Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) You are the common denominator in all of this. The only thing changing in this are the scores of men you've attempted to date. They are all unrelated, yet they're all coming to the same conclusion in a very short amount of time. Might be time to do some really deep examination on that. You either do some therapy on your mindset or you're good with doing what you've been doing and accept the results--which means no relationships develop from first dates/meetings for you. You have palpable anger in your posts when it comes to these various men who you interpret to be disappointing you/to you, and it might be because there is still more you need to process from the death of your fiance because it seems that's fueling the anger you seem to have to men who don't appear to "measure up" for you. Edited October 13, 2020 by kendahke 2 1
flitzanu Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 14 hours ago, mortensorchid said: I try very hard not to loose hope that someday, somehow I will find someone. I try that whole "You matter, don't give up" mentality. And as I am in my mid 40s, still look like a teenager (save for a few grey/silver hairs), and have been told I have a pretty face. I have a fun personality and an active social life (pre Covid of course). And what happens? Nothing. I go out on an internet date or two once in a while, never hear a word from them again. Never meet anyone in real life, have had plenty of emotional abuse from guys I have been with (they've said "I am going to get another gf even better than you", "I don't want a relationship with you but do with someone else", "You're not taking care of me like I expect other women to", etc.). Get an education? I have. Busy working hard? I am. Involved in things? Yes I am. What's wrong with me? The men sure don't want to commit to me because I am serious about life. Instead they seem to go for dramatics and princesses because it stimulates them in some way. That's what they want? I suppose. Anyone else feel that way? I am talking to the women on this one. can i just say, for the opposite situation -- male/female, i feel this i've mostly determined i'm a better "stepping stone" pathway than the destination. sometimes we just need to learn our roles.
boymommy Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 I think its your pattern of dating. You seem from your posts like you really want to find the love of your life (a highly emphathic emotional female) that vibe often attracts your opposite..emotional abusive narcissistic and/emotionally unavailable or avoidant attached males. It wasnt until my divorce and I started therapy and 12 step programming for codepedency that I discovered this pattern in myself. I attracted unavailable people yet rejected anyone who was available to me (like literally zero attraction there!) It wasnt until I started doing more work on my own issues with my unavailability that I started attracting a better class of guys. My boyfriend fits in that category. He is the best partner I have had although he moves slowly..but thats okay because I am still in therapy and doing my own work. My advice is take a break from dating and work on yourself..you’ll attract what you put out there. If you keep putting out there a very codependent love addicted signal, you’ll get back a very narcissist love avoidant one. You have to put out a more stable secure healthy signal to attract one back..now if you are in your 40’s unfortunately the pool of healthy applicants shrinks with age..especially online. So you will have to weed out LOTS and I mean LOTS of guys to find anyone decent. I went through 25-30 guys before I met my boyfriend. 3
Mystery4u Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 15 hours ago, mortensorchid said: The men sure don't want to commit to me because I am serious about life. Instead they seem to go for dramatics and princesses because it stimulates them in some way. That's what they want? I suppose. This stuck out to me. Being serious about life is fine, but you should also relax too and enjoy life. Have you travelled and experienced different things? Are you spontaneous at times? Do you do things out of your comfort zone? They are attractive qualities. By dramatics do you mean women who are maybe more expressive about their emotions? Who get a bit jealous in a healthy way? Who like to show affection in public, not caring what others think? Again, attractive qualities. Regarding princess, I treat my girlfriend like one, well more a Queen. Not because she thinks she's entitled to be one, or acts like one, but because she is to me, she's special. Hence I shower her will love and affection in many different ways, and she does the same back, treating me like a King. You are who you are, but I think you need to be a bit more flexible and open minded. 3
Versacehottie Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 12 hours ago, alphamale said: i wanted to post something but sound like you want feedback from females only, no problem i think you should contribute--no one better than a guy to tell her what is going wrong. 3
Ami1uwant Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 I thought I posted... A mans perspective i bet you carry yourself in a way that turns men off in dating. Like someone dates a strong willed woman and say I want to hire her, not date her. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 I actually think it's simpler than all the advice given. MO meets all men on OLD apps and sites and not in real life. 99% of them lose interest after first meeting. If they really disliked her personality, chances are that they would at least try to get sex before disappearing. It's likely that OLD photos do not quite match what you look like in person. I don't mean that you use fake photos but with filtering, flattering angles etc, people can make themselves look better than the reality. I think it would help if you had more candid photos and work on building a rapport before you meet rather than playing the numbers game. 3
elaine567 Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 Read Mo's last dating thread. How to turn off an interested man in about 5 easy lessons. Act disinterested and difficult to read on the date. Refuse to extend the date as you have a cake to bake. Decide to act "hard to get" to not make it too easy for him... Decide to choose sleep over planning a second date. "Too tired" Being "too busy" to fit a date in. THEN deciding to act interested, but by that time he had gone MIA and given up... 8 3
Azincourt Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 (edited) On 10/13/2020 at 4:29 AM, mortensorchid said: I try very hard not to loose hope that someday, somehow I will find someone. I try that whole "You matter, don't give up" mentality. And as I am in my mid 40s, still look like a teenager (save for a few grey/silver hairs), and have been told I have a pretty face. I have a fun personality and an active social life (pre Covid of course). And what happens? Nothing. I go out on an internet date or two once in a while, never hear a word from them again. Never meet anyone in real life, have had plenty of emotional abuse from guys I have been with (they've said "I am going to get another gf even better than you", "I don't want a relationship with you but do with someone else", "You're not taking care of me like I expect other women to", etc.). Get an education? I have. Busy working hard? I am. Involved in things? Yes I am. What's wrong with me? The men sure don't want to commit to me because I am serious about life. Instead they seem to go for dramatics and princesses because it stimulates them in some way. That's what they want? I suppose. Anyone else feel that way? I am talking to the women on this one. I'm a man, but I'm one of those men you've found yourself in a relationship with, one that ultimately failed. I date princesses and women who are ''dramatic'' because they are hot, they are quick to sleep with a guy, and because the more 'crazy' they seem, the better the sex is, and the more of it happens, and i t's never boring. There's a reason why many, many men love party girls. I remember dating women in college who were absolutely awful human beings, to the point they'd only speak to people they thought were hot, and they ignored every woman and every man even when they weren't clearly hitting on them. But hey, she looked like a 18 year old Alessandra Ambrosio, and when a woman looks like that - there are many men who don't care about her personality and will sleep with her. I'm also not looking for long-term relationships, which means the way she treats me and the way she treats other people don't matter to me, as long as she finds me to be hot, and hooks-up with me often and bountiful. There are literally billions of people in the world. About 3.5 billion men if I'm not mistaken, which means your chances of finding a forever husband or a forever domestic partner, or a long-term relationship with each of you living in your own house is well within your reach. If that's what you want. You sure you actually want a romantic partner, or do you go through the motions of wanting a romantic partner because a woman without a man is considered to have something wrong with her, by this society that is obsessed with monogamy, ''life-long marriage,'' and with making babies? If you thought about it hard and long and you reached the conclusion that you actually want a romantic relationship then you shouldn't feel down about being dumped or rejected. Despite you looking like an attractive woman in your 30s while being in your mid-40s, that doesn't mean much where it concerns being well-treated by the men you date. There's lots of average-looking women in good relationships who are adored by their partners, and lots of beautiful, young women who get cheated on all the time and are treated with indifference by their romantic partners. I've dated beautiful women and I've ''cheated'' on them. Not because there was something wrong with them. There wasn't. They weren't prudes in bed. They weren't rude to me. They didn't ''cheat'' on me. I just don't believe in turning physically attractive women down, and if they are offering, then I'm going to take it, because I won't be able to pull this off forever, and so I'm going to enjoy what I can still get for free, while I can still do it. There's nothing wrong with the women I date. Just like there's nothing wrong with me. This is how I am. Like my grandfathers and their fathers and their grandfathers before them. You could be a 21 year old Laetitia Casta with the sex drive of a nymphomaniac and I would still sleep with other women, even with women who are less attractive than you, because variety is hot, and sleeping with a new woman is like discovering a new continent, every time. The awe, the pleasure, the joy of sharing such intimacy with someone.. that's something beautiful. Anyway, enough about me, but I hope you've got a glimpse at how the men you've dated feel, think, and want in their lives, by reading about the way that I am. There's nothing wrong with you. There's no flaw to you. You simply have not met men who want a committed relationship. You haven't come across men who want to be in a good relationship with you. But you will, by meeting a lot of different men, and by not giving up, your chances of finding your long-term relationship with a man who shares the same values will increase and increase until one day you'll find yourself in the romantic relationship you envision yourself to be a part of. Good luck to you out there. Don't lose heart. You deserve to be loved and all that jazz, and you will be. If you are 45 and the guy you are going on a date is 32, I got a feel he's looking for quick, 'easy' sex, and he believes that by going out on a date with an older woman his chances of getting it will increase. With such a huge age disparity between the two of you, the chances of you having anything in common with him will be almost zero, yes. He's not a young man, but still he belongs to another generation and he will not be as emotionally mature as you are, not to mention that even if you two get into a relationship with each other, 10 years from now he'll be 42 and he'll probably have roaming eyes and will hook-up with women his own age or younger if he can pull that one off still. My advice? Focus all of your dating energy on men your own age. Forget about pursuing younger men. Young men still have a lot of growing up left, before they can be a proper life mate for a woman who is leaps and bounds ahead of him in many, many areas. Edited October 14, 2020 by Azincourt
Azincourt Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 Quote Never meet anyone in real life, have had plenty of emotional abuse from guys I have been with (they've said "I am going to get another gf even better than you", Quote Why don't you meet anyone in real life? Either put yourself in a position to be approached in real life by the men you want to be approached by, or you can do it like my mother, my sisters, my aunts, and my grandmothers did, when they decided they wanted to get to know the men they ended up getting married to and built a life with. They went up to the guy and said hi. Worked for my mother. 40+ years after sitting at my father's table, and asking him out on a date, despite not even knowing his name, they're still very happily married to each other. You should try it sometime, too. Who knows, you might find a very fine man aswell! There's nothing masculine about a woman knowing about what she wants and taking the first step, believe me. I think it's rather hot for a woman to have the courage to face rejection.
Blind-Sided Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 21 hours ago, balletomane said: MO, to be honest your posts about dates have all given me the impression that you go out there actively looking for reasons to find fault with guys, to the point that even when they are interested, you find reasons to not to take it any further. Several posters have suggested that you might be sabotaging yourself. I know you asked for girls... but I have to throw in my 2 cents because I have been reading almost everything you post. I agree... you sabotage your good dates. Not just with finding fault someone so you don't go out with them again... but you still have FWB. STOP THAT !!!!!! You dilute yourself... and you kill off good relationships. I really think this is why "Single Dad" bailed out. Also... your actions put off a negative interest. Your story about "I need to bake a cake" drove that person away. As already said... the "Teen" thing may not be good either. If you just have "Young" features... ok. But if you act like a teen... that's not good. You will annoy people your own age. I wish you luck in moving forward. 1
Azincourt Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said: I know you asked for girls... but I have to throw in my 2 cents because I have been reading almost everything you post. I agree... you sabotage your good dates. Not just with finding fault someone so you don't go out with them again... but you still have FWB. STOP THAT !!!!!! You dilute yourself... and you kill off good relationships. I really think this is why "Single Dad" bailed out. Also... your actions put off a negative interest. Your story about "I need to bake a cake" drove that person away. As already said... the "Teen" thing may not be good either. If you just have "Young" features... ok. But if you act like a teen... that's not good. You will annoy people your own age. I wish you luck in moving forward. It was probably a typo and it got too late and she wasn't able to edit her comment about looking like she's 18 or something. Don't think she's narcissistic because she's clearly not, if you were to read her other posts, you'd see she isn't obsessed with her looks. OP probably meant she is in her mid-40s but she looks like she's in her early 30s. I'm no specialist despite going to a plastic surgeon 3 times a year to see if there's any flaw with my looks that needs to be corrected, but there ain't nobody in the world who is almost 50 years old and looks to be 18. Not even Brad Pitt looks like a 30 year old man, let alone like a 18 year old, despite all of his natural beauty, and all of the millions he most certainly has spent on plastic surgery.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 18 hours ago, elaine567 said: Read Mo's last dating thread. How to turn off an interested man in about 5 easy lessons. Act disinterested and difficult to read on the date. Refuse to extend the date as you have a cake to bake. Decide to act "hard to get" to not make it too easy for him... Decide to choose sleep over planning a second date. "Too tired" Being "too busy" to fit a date in. THEN deciding to act interested, but by that time he had gone MIA and given up... None of that would turn off a man that's attracted to her. Also, the man in that thread hasn't initiated contact with MO once after the date. MO initiated every time. Even if she didn't suggest specific date/place/time, he didn't either. I don't see how anyone can say that the man in that thread is interested. 1
Weezy1973 Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 On 10/14/2020 at 1:25 AM, Eternal Sunshine said: It's likely that OLD photos do not quite match what you look like in person. I know back when I was doing OLD this did happen with a few women that were older. The pictures were fine, but when we met in person they looked much older. It never went past the first date. 1
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 The problem with being older is that in real life people tend to look their age or older. They choose their best pics but real life is hard to fool. Yes some are genetically privileged but most look old, as guess what? They are old... 2
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