I had a bad experience with his friends and he wants me to try again this weekend?

October 12, 2020

I've been dating this guy for the last 3 (going on 4, i think) months now. Last week, he wanted me to meet his friends, Danny and Helen. He's grown up with them for the last 10 years or so and he refers to them as his family now. He also refers to their daughter as his niece, so he's now Uncle *Mark. Initially, we were supposed to go out to dinner and drinks which I was pretty excited about but they decided they would rather do it at their house instead.

I go to their house and from the very beginning, their 10-year-old daughter Rosa starts talking to me. She's very sweet and talkative and because I was kind of nervous, I made conversation with her too. At first, we circled around eating and talking but then Danny and Mark went into the kitchen to start preparing dinner and it was just me, the wife Helen, and the daughter Rosa. Rosa is an only child and you can tell she's very lonely and need of attention. Personally, I love children but I was only there because I wanted to get to know my boyfriends friends.

This child was extremely talkative and very, very needy, unable to leave me alone and constantly talking to me and over me. She wouldn't let me and her mother form any type of conversation, she would constantly talk over her mother or literally stand in front her so I wouldn't be able to even see her mother (who was sitting directly in front of me). Well, her mother Helen eventually grew so annoyed too that she also left to the kitchen. For the next hour, I was left alone basically babysitting this girl while the others disappeared. When the child went to the restroom, i went into the kitchen to find them and saw them in the backyard smoking weed. And, it looked like they were being super sneaky about it, trying to hide it from me and the kid. I don't mind people smoking weed but the fact that they were hiding it from me (or the child) came off really strange and odd. I was afraid if I went out, it would freak them out, or the child would follow me out. So, I walked back into the living room and spent a whole other hour with this child, alone.

Long story short, I never even got to get to know his friends and they didn't get to know me much either. So, it all seemed kind of pointless. When I told Mark about the child all he said was, "Yeah, she's annoying, right? I can't be around her for more than few minutes."

Then i asked whether they were smoking weed and hiding it and he said that his friends were smoking weed but he wasn't and they didn't wanna do it in front of their kid.

At that point, I felt a little bit used. As if I was just the babysitter for the night so they could smoke weed in the backyard.

Well, his friends invited me to go over again next weekend. And, all I can see in my mind, is 2 hours of lonely babysitting again. Because I'm so new in his life and to his friends, I don't want to come off rude and tell them their daughter was driving me nuts. But, I'm afraid if I don't speak up, I'll never go over again.

Any advice??

October 12, 2020

My $.02, I dont think it was right for your boyfriend to place you in such an uncomfortable situation with the daughter alone. Annoying or not he should have joined you versus spending time in the kitchen with his friends and then going outside to smoke weed?

I myself would have been pissed about that, but that's neither here nor there, I'm not the one dating him.

Anyway, to answer your question, remind your bf of what happened last weekend and ask him if he would suggest to his friends they find a babysitter and you all go out to eat. That is what I would do.

Dont know where you live, but in my neck of the woods, restaurants are open for street dining outdoors, it's quite festive and fun!

That makes the most sense unless the daughter is having a sleepover at a friend's or something.

On a separate note, I feel so sorry for their daughter! As an only child, no doubt she is quite lonely, and welcomes any opportunity to interact with others, even adults.

When I was growing up, when my parents had friends over or a dinner party, we (my siblings and I) were told to remain in our rooms, watch tv, play games, whatever.

Anyway, good luck, keep us posted.

Edited October 12, 2020 by poppyfields

October 12, 2020

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and speak your mind....I would have had words with your BF. You refusing to go over there again is not as rude as they treated you. They are horrible, inconsiderate selfish people. They didn't even spend time getting to know you or make you comfortable as a guest, they had absolutely no courtesy. As for your BF, he was inconsiderate to you too just leaving you there...as being new and being introduced to new people he should have stayed by your side, and rescued you from the chatty child, but instead thought only about himself as did the hosts of this gathering. He did nothing, and that speaks volumes that he doesn't have manners nor did his friends. As for the child....the poor thing is probably emotionally neglected and all your BF can say about it is that she is annoying...his attitude about should be questioned and it says something about his character.

I'm a bit old fashion but proper dating etiquette is to never leave your date hanging....

Edited October 12, 2020 by smackie9

October 12, 2020

I'm far more outspoken. I would have used the friends sneaking off to smoke weed and the boyfriend's excuses to cover it up and be rude not including me as reasons to break up with him. Plus, I don't hang out with people who smoke weed. I am not against weed but I don't like people who smoke it every day. That poor little girl. No wonder she clung to you like a life raft. She has s***ty parents, not the best role models are they.

So, my advice to you is: like Smackie suggested you have to speak up for yourself. You can't expect your boyfriend to read your mind or take care of you emotionally unless you tell him when his behavior crosses the line for you, as it did at his friend's house. You have to teach your boyfriend what your limits are, by telling him what they are when he crosses the line. And, the way he just abandoned you to sneak off to the kitchen like that, would have been a deal breaker for me personally. That's just rude.

Your boyfriend was clearly there to get high with his buddies and dragged you along under the guise of getting to know them. So, he lied to you about not smoking weed. Yeah, right. He had no intention of intermingling you with his pot head pals. If he had, he would have engaged you and them in conversation in the same room. He sounds really immature and self centered. You either speak up and tell him what he did hurt your feelings and hope he apologizes, or you have to decide if being a doormat to him, is the relationship dynamic you will go along with, b/c that's what it seems to be like for you now.

Tell him that you are not interested in joining him this weekend at his friends house. In fact, you can tell him that you'd be more comfortable if the 4 of you went out to eat somewhere. If he balks and says no, you know that his priorities are just to get high with a little help from his friends (and yeah, that's a Beatles song reference too). He's a douche bag to you. At 3 months, cut and run honey. Because this is it with him. Things will not change and if you expect them to, well, don't hold your breath. He doesn't sound like the nicest of guys.

Edited October 12, 2020 by Watercolors

October 12, 2020

As they say you are the company you keep.....which leads to, is this what your BF is about?

October 13, 2020

The friends were rude to leave you, the company, to tend the daughter. But your boyfriend definitely shouldn't have left you with the kid like that. He has poor social skills. Unfortunately, that's not something he'll learn overnight. I definitely wouldn't go again. Myself, I wouldn't even want to be with a guy like that.

October 13, 2020

12 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

The friends were rude to leave you, the company, to tend the daughter. But your boyfriend definitely shouldn't have left you with the kid like that. He has poor social skills. Unfortunately, that's not something he'll learn overnight. I definitely wouldn't go again. Myself, I wouldn't even want to be with a guy like that.

+1 because his priorities are not the OP and he's shown her that she's just another option to him, based on how he behaved this weekend.

OP, I'm guessing this isn't the first time your boyfriend has dragged you along to something under the pretense of it being something entirely different?

Why are you with a guy like this, OP?

October 13, 2020

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

That poor little girl. No wonder she clung to you like a life raft. She has s***ty parents, not the best role models are they.

Tell him that you are not interested in joining him this weekend at his friends house. In fact, you can tell him that you'd be more comfortable if the 4 of you went out to eat somewhere.

Both comments^, my sentiments as well.

Edited October 13, 2020 by poppyfields

October 13, 2020

These people were incredibly rude. You were a guest in their house and they ignored you for hours and went to hang out elsewhere. It's just unbelievable how rude they were. If I were you I would not go to their house again. You are under no obligation to put up with that.

October 13, 2020

It certainly did hurt my feelings. I felt ignored. And, I absolutely believe my boyfriend has extremely poor social skills. When I arrived there, he didn't even properly introduce me, I had to introduce myself. Same thing with his parents and sister the last time I went to his house, I looked at him and waited for him to introduce me but he didn't. So, I walked up and introduced myself. At his friend's house, when they were in the kitchen most of the time, he didn't invite me to go in there, he didn't ask me to help prepare dinner, he didn't ask me to join them outside. I felt like he just brought me along as some sort of trophy prize. "Here's my girlfriend, isn't she hot? Okay, go away now."

And, then he proceeded to ignore me and help cook dinner in the kitchen with his friend. It felt like THEY were hanging out and I was just some relative in the background. His friends didn't ask me many questions about myself either, what I do for work, if I'm going to school, etc. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend later, he goes, "Oh, it's because I told them everything about you already so they knew everything."

So, when his friends told him to invite me over again this weekend, I'm wondering... why? You guys ignored me the entire time. You guys were hanging out with him, not me. I was just the babysitter in the background. That's why I want to go somewhere public next time! My boyfriend ASKED them to go out to dinner so that we could actually get to know each other, without their kid annoying all of us. And, they refused saying it would be more fun to "kick back at the house."

I'm going to suggest going out to eat or dancing. And, if they refuse (which I have a nasty feeling in my stomach that they might), I'll be direct and tell my boyfriend that I don't want to be left alone with the daughter all night. But, I honestly don't even want to go over. Feels like a waste of time.

October 13, 2020

20 hours ago, Confoosedgal said:

his friends invited me to go over again next weekend.

Start making plans now with friends, family, clubs, groups, volunteering, over-time, work from home, Dr's appt., etc... Be very busy most of the weekend. Whatever it takes to avoid hanging out with them.

This way you can be honest and say you are busy catching up with this or that. Next time make sure you are going out with them, not hanging out at their home .

Take note that these are the type of friends he has and how he treated you. 3-4 mos is a good time to make all these observations.

October 13, 2020

Why are you even with this guy? I think you can do better.

October 13, 2020

I'm confused as to why you seem to think you had to have a formal invitation to hang out with the adults rather than the daughter? I think it's really strange that you didn't just go into the kitchen with the adults or go outside and sit with the adults, and instead chose to hang out with the daughter in the other room. If I invited a friend and his girlfriend over and she did that, I would think it was bizarre behavior. Seems like there are some social issues all around here. Next time just go sit with the adults. No one is forcing you to entertain a 10 year old all night.

October 13, 2020

I wouldn't blame you if you refuse to ever go to their home again, the three of them were incredibly rude to you. I can't believe none of them - especially the mother - came back in after a few minutes to tell you to come out and join them.

If you do end up there again, do NOT let yourself be left alone with the child to babysit. It's not your job to shield her from seeing her parents smoking weed, so take her outside with you. It's then up to her parents to decide what to do about it. My guess is it won't be the first time she's seen it.

But since they allow the child to dominate the conversations, you'll probably never get to know them unless the four of you go out. My former in-laws always allowed their children to dominate our visits. Usually my ex husband and his brother would go off alone and I would stay with my then sister-in-law with the kids. I can't believe the mother just took off too.

For what it's worth, I grew up without siblings and my parents entertained weekly, sometimes with people who didn't have kids. I knew how to conduct myself and interact with adults appropriately because I was taught. Her parents are doing the child a disservice in several ways it appears.

October 13, 2020

You need to express your feelings to him about his behavior, and his manners ie: proper introductions, etc. Why are you not speaking up? Don't be passive and keep letting it slide...all yo are doing is enabling his behavior...he's no mind reader. The thing about having to introduce yourself to family....if it were me there would have been a serious conversation in car on the way home.

Edited October 13, 2020 by smackie9

October 13, 2020

I feel so bad for this kid. No wonder she's needy.

That said you have no obligations to her. I would tell your BF how rude you felt everybody was, especially him. I certainly would not go back to their house.

At 4 months in you are learning that your BF is not a polite person. It will only get worse from here. Knowing that, what do you want to do next?

October 13, 2020

Is it possible that you come from a home with different standards? You said you had to introduce yourself when you met your boyfriend's family. Now again, he brought you somewhere without introducing you. Are there other behaviors that he and his friends have that would not be acceptable to you? If you ever do end up going over there again, I would tell your BF #1 - don't leave me alone. #2 - when you go in the kitchen or out in the back yard, I'm going too, and if their daughter follows me out there, that's their problem, not mine. Ten years old is plenty old enough to have been taught better manners (but it does seem like the poor child is starving for attention, so.....) The fact that her parents and your boyfriend are lacking in that area, you should really question whether these are the type of people you want to spend your time with. I'm sure you can do better.

Edited October 13, 2020 by vla1120

October 13, 2020

1 hour ago, clia said:

I think it's really strange that you didn't just go into the kitchen with the adults or go outside and sit with the adults, and instead chose to hang out with the daughter in the other room.

This^ is an excellent point! Imagining myself in this scenario, that is what I would have done.

October 13, 2020

1 hour ago, clia said:

I'm confused as to why you seem to think you had to have a formal invitation to hang out with the adults rather than the daughter? I think it's really strange that you didn't just go into the kitchen with the adults or go outside and sit with the adults, and instead chose to hang out with the daughter in the other room. If I invited a friend and his girlfriend over and she did that, I would think it was bizarre behavior. Seems like there are some social issues all around here. Next time just go sit with the adults. No one is forcing you to entertain a 10 year old all night.

Well they were cooking in the kitchen and I did go over there once or twice but because my bf and his friend (the husband) were cooking and talking about work-related things, I felt a little bit awkward standing around them. That was the other thing I felt was kinda rude. They didn't ask me questions or try to include me in the conversation whatsoever. And the little girl had superglued herself to me too. So she followed me into the kitchen and asked me 10,000 questions in the kitchen too. She followed me everywhere except the bathroom.

So when they went into the backyard to smoke weed and because it looked like they were trying to hide it, I guess I didn't know what to do at that point. Do I jump in the backyard with the little girl superglued to my side where her parents are smoking weed? Or, should I just wait till they're done? I literally wondered what the hell to do right then and there. And, I really, really, really think they took advantage of the fact that I was keeping their daughter occupied so that they could smoke weed.

So i feel like going out there might've created an awkward situation. And, sure I know as many others are saying, the daughter isn't my problem. If she followed me out there and caught her parents smoking weed, who cares?

But keep in mind, if the kid isn't aware her parents smoke weed, i didn't want to be the reason she found out either.

24 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Is it possible that you come from a home with different standards? You said you had to introduce yourself when you met your boyfriend's family. Now again, he brought you somewhere without introducing you. Are there other behaviors that he and his friends have that would not be acceptable to you? If you ever do end up going over there again, I would tell your BF #1 - don't leave me alone. #2 - when you go in the kitchen or out in the back yard, I'm going too, and if their daughter follows me out there, that's their problem, not mine. Ten years old is plenty old enough to have been taught better manners (but it does seem like the poor child is starving for attention, so.....) The fact that her parents and your boyfriend are lacking in that area, you should really question whether these are the type of people you want to spend your time with. I'm sure you can do better.

you're right. I'd still like to give it a chance but actually there are some other red flags I'm noticing when it comes to social skills and manners. I'm going to be direct with him before I go over again. But, I'm gonna wait a while and make up an excuse not to go again so soon. If we make it another few extra weeks, I'll talk to him beforehand, go to their house, and then if it happens again, I'm never ever going back there.

And, I may start considering the relationship as a whole. Because I truly did feel like he only brought me there, to show me off. Not to be full of myself or anything, but I am a lot better looking than him, (something he proudly states to me and others), and that night I felt like he just wanted to show them that I'm real and I'm good looking. And once show and tell was done, he proceeded to ignore me the rest of the night.

October 13, 2020

That's so rude of all of them... Your boyfriend definitely should have made more of an effort to make sure you felt included. I also find it really strange that the mother wouldn't intervene when she realized her daughter was preventing you from being able to socialize with the other grownups. It sounds like she got irritated by her daughter domineering the conversation, but instead of engaging the daughter with something else she just... left you there with her?

My nieces and nephews always tried to domineer my ex's and my now-husband's attention, especially when I first brought them home. The difference is that I'd let them play together for a little while but would ALWAYS check in on the bf and eventually shoo the kids away so we could have grownup time. Of course the new partner is going to feel awkward being rude to a kid, that's the partner and/or parents' job.

It's possible your bf was a bit clueless because he's not a parent, so I would first just try talking to him about it and see if he changes the behaviour. The parents should have known better, but there's not much you can do about that.

Edited October 13, 2020 by kismetkismet

October 13, 2020

26 minutes ago, Confoosedgal said:

I'd still like to give it a chance but actually there are some other red flags I'm noticing when it comes to social skills and manners. I'm going to be direct with him before I go over again. But, I'm gonna wait a while and make up an excuse not to go again so soon.

Good call. Observe him and avoid them.

October 13, 2020

2 hours ago, clia said:

I'm confused as to why you seem to think you had to have a formal invitation to hang out with the adults rather than the daughter? I think it's really strange that you didn't just go into the kitchen with the adults or go outside and sit with the adults, and instead chose to hang out with the daughter in the other room.

The thing is, with kids you sometimes have to be straight up rude to shake them lol. Like I mentioned above, my nieces and nephews used to barrage my partners when I first brought them home. Kids don't pick up on subtle social cues like, trying to engage in the grownup conversation, or leaving the room - they WILL follow you, they will stand in front of you, and they will at times physically drag you where they want you to go. It's very awkward to tell someone else's child to leave you alone when you're a guest in their home and don't know any of them well. If my sisters or I didn't intervene on my partner's behalf, what happened to OP would have happened every time.

October 14, 2020

7 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

The thing is, with kids you sometimes have to be straight up rude to shake them lol. Like I mentioned above, my nieces and nephews used to barrage my partners when I first brought them home. Kids don't pick up on subtle social cues like, trying to engage in the grownup conversation, or leaving the room - they WILL follow you, they will stand in front of you, and they will at times physically drag you where they want you to go. It's very awkward to tell someone else's child to leave you alone when you're a guest in their home and don't know any of them well. If my sisters or I didn't intervene on my partner's behalf, what happened to OP would have happened every time.

Yes, this was her! She would NOT leave me alone and constantly interrupted her mother the few times she tried to engage me in conversation. . But, after her daughter consistently talked over her, interrupted her, or literally stood in front of her, the mother became annoyed and left the room too. And, that was the other strange thing. Why not tell your child to say, "Excuse me?" To not interrupt the adults when they talk? The mother was completely passive and seemed to have no idea how to tell her daughter what to do say/not to say. I thought either they let the daughter get away with everything or maybe she was too embarrassed to say anything in front of me? that kid was literally superglued to my side and the parents just ASSUMED I was cool with it. Just because I'm being polite, doesn't mean I actually want to be around the kid.

I'm very friendly and I actually really like kids, playing with them and hanging out with them (Im the oldest of 5 siblings I had to care for so I'm used to it) but not when I'm hanging out with a significant other, trying to get to know his adult friends. And, yes because my Bf isn't a parent himself, he doesn't know how to handle the kid either, whom he also finds very, very annoying as well.

Either way, I'm taking a break from them for a few weeks and gonna suggest a public setting for the next hangout. But, these comments have really made me wonder about some other areas where he's been lacking in social skills.

October 14, 2020

Haha! I'm sorry to laugh, but sometimes you just have to laugh at things in life - that story sounds like an episode of Seinfeld gone bad! I see this sort of thing all the time in relationships.

So this is very simple - you don't have to be tied to your boyfriend 24/7, and you are not interested in babysitting. So just don't go to that friends house, let him go alone - do something else alone or with your friends or family.

You have to learn to set boundaries.

I would not pick a fight over it though - so you don't like his friends.........this happens often.....so just don't see them. Simple. No big deal, no baby-mama-drama.

October 14, 2020

16 hours ago, Confoosedgal said:

you're right. I'd still like to give it a chance but actually there are some other red flags I'm noticing when it comes to social skills and manners. I'm going to be direct with him before I go over again. But, I'm gonna wait a while and make up an excuse not to go again so soon. If we make it another few extra weeks, I'll talk to him beforehand, go to their house, and then if it happens again, I'm never ever going back there.

You are not standing up for yourself enough. Why are you even considering hanging out with these people again? Why do you feel like you have to "make up an excuse" not to go over to their house again? The responsibility is not on you to make up an excuse. Be assertive and say you're not doing it. Just stand up for yourself and tell your boyfriend that you didn't enjoy being there because everyone, INCLUDING HIM, was being rude and not making you feel welcome. This whole relationship sounds like it's not going to last much longer so I'm not sure why you're even wasting your time with all of this. Life is too short to put up with rude people.

He was probably not raised with manners and might not even realize how rude he is being... you should tell him everything you've said here.

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I had a bad experience with his friends and he wants me to try again this weekend?

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