SeriousAsparagus Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 We have been dating about 1.5 years and are around the same age, early 30s. We live together, and have been for the past year. Recently, the bf is feeling like we're at the marriage or breakup point and that fact has compounded the effects of the fights we've been having. He's been extremely upset at me about my driving ability, which he extrapolates to whether I could be trusted to drive kids. Additionally, he think I'm antagonistic and always embarassing him. For example, I mentioned to friends when we were together that I was jealous that he could get all his work done in the morning with procrastination and have enough time to play games and enjoy his day. He percieved and believes others perceives it as I'm saying he doesn't work hard. What I told him I meant was that I thought it was pretty awesome how quickly he can get things done. But he says that I dont think about how it comes off. Various situations like above happen throughout the year, but they're always brought up each time. He extrapolates this to be whether he can even take me to work functions or if Im going to jeopardize his job. I just don't ever feel like what I say is taken at face value, and that it's always either attributed to a underlying motive of mine or that he's correct in his analysis. And when I describe how I feel confused, sad or on edge with what I should or shouldn't say, that its a maturity problem. I understand that we all have things that trigger our emotions and he's valid in his feelings. But I just feel like everytime I try to explain myself or talk about my feelings, it gets shut down with how I'm not right or his conclusions of why Im saying something. He says to tell him what I want or need to get myself to change my decision making skills in what I say, but I feel like doing so will just bring out more of the above. I wanted to have a heart-to-heart to talk about everything, but we ended up not having it because he already created a story in his mind of what I would say. And because of that he didn't want to talk. He's not confident in us working out, has been pulling away, and has given me a deadline where if things don't change by that time, he's leaving me. With all this on the table.... Does anyone have any actionable advice? I'm concerned that even if Im fixing it, we'll just drift apart. All I really want is to make him happy.
Acacia98 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) 59 minutes ago, SeriousAsparagus said: With all this on the table.... Does anyone have any actionable advice? I'm concerned that even if Im fixing it, we'll just drift apart. All I really want is to make him happy. There's a lot fundamentally wrong with the way your bf is characterizing your relationship and blaming you for the associated problems. Look, it really is not possible, in a situation like yours, for one person to be responsible for all the issues in the relationship. The solution cannot be that you should change who you fundamentally are for him to be happy. And simply refusing to have honest open communication with you because he supposedly knows what you're going to say and rejects it is pretty messed up. There's obviously plenty wrong with your boyfriend. A kind and emotionally healthy guy who found himself in a relationship with a woman he was profoundly incompatible with would talk frankly with her and would end things early in the day. He wouldn't work hard to dismiss her and diminish and invalidate her emotions and perspective. He wouldn't deny her the opportunity to communicate. Your relationship is not really a relationship, SeriousAsparagus. It sounds more like a hostage situation. Mind you, I'm not saying you're a saint. It is conceivable that you have made mistakes and hurt his feelings. After all, you are human. But his reaction is not appropriate. I have no idea why you want to salvage this relationship and make him happy. The only silver lining that I've seen so far is that he wants to end things (or at least he claims he does). You should let him end things, or if it's all just talk on his part, you should end things. Your relationship is supposed to meet both your needs, and I don't see anything about your needs or your happiness in your post. Just his. Edited October 12, 2020 by Acacia98 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 Honestly, it sounds to me like he wants out and doesn't know how to be honest, so he paints you into a corner and finds reasons to blame you. 6
Ruby Slippers Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 It sounds like he doesn't really love you as you are, unfortunately. I don't think you can magically change into what he wants - nor should you. 1
schlumpy Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 You have a lot time and effort invested in this relationship so I understand that you don't want to let it go but I think you have to. If you were to marry, his criticisms would only get worse until you doubted everything you believe about who you are. I really cringed when you said he feels you embarrass him. I can't imagine saying that to my wife. If you can find the courage please dump him before he dumps you. Your happiness is in the future. Imagine being with someone that loves the way you smile. 3
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: We have been dating about 1.5 years and are around the same age, early 30s. We live together, and have been for the past year. Recently, the bf is feeling like we're at the marriage or breakup point and that fact has compounded the effects of the fights we've been having. Why did you move in after dating only 6 mos? He doesn't want to marry. Perhaps you thought living together is a step toward that, but for him it's a test drive and convenience. Do you both work? This has nothing to do with driving. It has to do with playing house and your misconception about that. If you want marriage and kids you need to end it and move out. He simply does not want what you want and is using this driving issue to stall. He's basically checked out. Do not talk at him. Stop telling him about your feelings, he just doesn't care. Do not jump through any more hoops. He wants to end it. More importantly he wants to puff up his ego by beating you down. You need to dump this selfish clown. Cut your losses. It will only get worse if you continue to waste time on someone like this. Edited October 12, 2020 by Wiseman2 2
Fletch Lives Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 It sounds like he has a negative/bad attitude. For the best chance at a happy long term relationship, you need someone with a good attitude. You don't want to be in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells, expecting him to explode any minute.
Author SeriousAsparagus Posted October 12, 2020 Author Posted October 12, 2020 3 hours ago, Acacia98 said: There's a lot fundamentally wrong with the way your bf is characterizing your relationship and blaming you for the associated problems. Look, it really is not possible, in a situation like yours, for one person to be responsible for all the issues in the relationship. The solution cannot be that you should change who you fundamentally are for him to be happy. And simply refusing to have honest open communication with you because he supposedly knows what you're going to say and rejects it is pretty messed up. There's obviously plenty wrong with your boyfriend. A kind and emotionally healthy guy who found himself in a relationship with a woman he was profoundly incompatible with would talk frankly with her and would end things early in the day. He wouldn't work hard to dismiss her and diminish and invalidate her emotions and perspective. He wouldn't deny her the opportunity to communicate. Your relationship is not really a relationship, SeriousAsparagus. It sounds more like a hostage situation. Mind you, I'm not saying you're a saint. It is conceivable that you have made mistakes and hurt his feelings. After all, you are human. But his reaction is not appropriate. I have no idea why you want to salvage this relationship and make him happy. The only silver lining that I've seen so far is that he wants to end things (or at least he claims he does). You should let him end things, or if it's all just talk on his part, you should end things. Your relationship is supposed to meet both your needs, and I don't see anything about your needs or your happiness in your post. Just his. You bring up alot of good points. I think for me I'm concerned that maybe I don't say things very well, and that he's right in all this, and that it's something that will drive a significant other away. He said he used to be really patient in me fixing it. It being my judgement call. But he said over the course of the year since it hasnt changed, he's felt that this has really become a deal breaker for him. I've wanted to salvage our relationship because of how much I love him and before all this hit the fan, how much he matched and met everything I wanted. I'm so scared that this is just a deep incompatibility on my part, that I'm just immature. I can't understand why we cant meet at a middle ground. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 3 minutes ago, SeriousAsparagus said: maybe I don't say things very well, and that he's right in all this He said he used to be really patient in me fixing it. A lot of this sounds like gaslighting and mental abuse. End it. Get out. Cut your loses. 1
Author SeriousAsparagus Posted October 12, 2020 Author Posted October 12, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: You have a lot time and effort invested in this relationship so I understand that you don't want to let it go but I think you have to. If you were to marry, his criticisms would only get worse until you doubted everything you believe about who you are. I really cringed when you said he feels you embarrass him. I can't imagine saying that to my wife. If you can find the courage please dump him before he dumps you. Your happiness is in the future. Imagine being with someone that loves the way you smile. He told me he just wants to find his forever person, and if Im not it, then every day he spends with me is one less day he has with her. I have so much love and myself invested, and to me it's always felt like he checked all of my boxes except for now when everything seems like its imploding because he wants to make a decision. I just wonder if this is something I could fix, or if there is a middle ground we could come to. He looks for patterns in all the mistakes I make, and because there had been so many, he doesn't think I can meet his baseline standards. I just dont know how to keep him from not checking out, or how anything will be better even if I change things when he's checked out.
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, SeriousAsparagus said: . He looks for patterns in all the mistakes I make, and because there had been so many, he doesn't think I can meet his baseline standard RUN . Unless this is some sort of BDSM thing, this is just mental abuse. Edited October 12, 2020 by Wiseman2 3
Azincourt Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 4 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: We have been dating about 1.5 years and are around the same age, early 30s. We live together, and have been for the past year. Recently, the bf is feeling like we're at the marriage or breakup point and that fact has compounded the effects of the fights we've been having. He's been extremely upset at me about my driving ability, which he extrapolates to whether I could be trusted to drive kids. Additionally, he think I'm antagonistic and always embarassing him. For example, I mentioned to friends when we were together that I was jealous that he could get all his work done in the morning with procrastination and have enough time to play games and enjoy his day. He percieved and believes others perceives it as I'm saying he doesn't work hard. What I told him I meant was that I thought it was pretty awesome how quickly he can get things done. But he says that I dont think about how it comes off. Various situations like above happen throughout the year, but they're always brought up each time. He extrapolates this to be whether he can even take me to work functions or if Im going to jeopardize his job. I just don't ever feel like what I say is taken at face value, and that it's always either attributed to a underlying motive of mine or that he's correct in his analysis. And when I describe how I feel confused, sad or on edge with what I should or shouldn't say, that its a maturity problem. I understand that we all have things that trigger our emotions and he's valid in his feelings. But I just feel like everytime I try to explain myself or talk about my feelings, it gets shut down with how I'm not right or his conclusions of why Im saying something. He says to tell him what I want or need to get myself to change my decision making skills in what I say, but I feel like doing so will just bring out more of the above. I wanted to have a heart-to-heart to talk about everything, but we ended up not having it because he already created a story in his mind of what I would say. And because of that he didn't want to talk. He's not confident in us working out, has been pulling away, and has given me a deadline where if things don't change by that time, he's leaving me. With all this on the table.... Does anyone have any actionable advice? I'm concerned that even if Im fixing it, we'll just drift apart. All I really want is to make him happy. Your boyfriend is not interested in getting married. I know where he's coming from, because I've been there before. Women in their early 30s more often than not develop an interest in getting married and in having children, especially if the guy they're with has his stuff together. All of those issues that suddenly rose from nowhere, everything he's holding against you have come to the surface not because he finds anything to be wrong with you, but because he doesn't want to get married, and he doesn't want to have kids, and he feels that soon enough you'll be pushing him to do those things. That's why he's confident the two of you will not work out. He wants to leave you, but he doesn't want to feel like he's the bad guy. He isn't. You aren't the bad guy. No one is to blame here. It's just that the two of you want different things, so break up with him and go find a guy who wants to have kids and wants to get married.
schlumpy Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 39 minutes ago, SeriousAsparagus said: I just dont know how to keep him from not checking out, or how anything will be better even if I change things when he's checked out. This isn't something you can fix. I you were really inspired you could take each one his points and act in that way. I don't think you could maintain it. These are core issues and not learned behavior. Type into your browser "cheating 180." This is a list things to do that will help you detach from your feelings. It takes a while to work and depends very much on the effort you put into it. You will know you are making progress when you start saying no to him or "I'm not ok with that."
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 1 hour ago, SeriousAsparagus said: He told me he just wants to find his forever person, and if Im not it, then every day he spends with me is one less day he has with her. He's trying to tell you that you aren't his forever person. He doesn't want to feel guilty for hurting you and ending it, so he's waiting for you to do it. It's over, OP. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 It's nothing you can fix because it's not your problem. It's his problem. He's angry, frustrated & scared. He's also listening to the narrative in his head even when that narrative differs from actual facts It seems all he does is criticize you. He's not making you believe that his perception of you is correct & it's causing you doubt yourself. That is bad / sad. In a good relationship you bring out the best in each other. You two are not doing that. I do agree with him that longer you stay trapped in this dysfunctional relationship the more opportunities you miss to meet the right person. Stop waiting for him to get his ^%#@ together & find the words to end this, you do it. Yes it will suck because you claim to love him. But he doesn't love you & he's dragging you down. Get out 1
Crazelnut Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 Sorry, but everyone is right. Your BF is a jerk too, in addition to being incompatible with you. Blaming YOU for everything wrong is grossly unfair. Even if he's right and the way you say things comes off as critical, he's being an azzhole about it! I've had a partner like your BF. He took everything I said as a criticism. If I looked at him wrong (Confused by what he was saying, for example), he got defensive and assumed I was being condescending or harsh. He blamed me for HIS insecurities. I see a lot of that with your BF. Trust me, you can't fix that. It only gets worse. Add that to the fact that he isn't going to marry you ... leave now. What kind of twisted mind f*** is it to tell your live-in GF that every day with you is a wasted day that he's not with THE ONE?!? Jesus, why are you putting up with that?? 3
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 2 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: . I can't understand why we cant meet at a middle ground. Because he doesn't want to. 2 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: he said over the course of the year since it hasnt changed, he's felt that this has really become a deal breaker for him. If this is a deal breaker for him then you cannot possibly fix it... Dating and living together is about testing compatibility, before you take bigger steps. For him this is not working. You need to listen to what he is really saying. He wants out, you are not "the one" Make preparations to go your separate ways. DO NOT get pregnant. The last thing you want to do is trap a dissatisfied, angry, annoyed man with a kid. Therein lies the road to true misery or single parenthood. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 Start getting your resources together and figure out where you’ll be moving to, because he’s on his way out. You might not see it now, but this is a blessing in disguise because he sounds toxic. 4
Calmandfocused Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 So you want to save a relationship with a man who has eroded your self esteem, led you to believe things about yourself that aren’t true, manipulates you into believing that everything is your fault, dismisses your feelings as “nonsense”, and behaves consistently in a manner that shows he doesn’t value or respect you? Op, please open your eyes and see what’s going on here. He’s not going to marry you. He’s using you as his toy: to see how much he can get away with and how much you will take. He’s enjoying himself at your expense. He may not be hitting you but he’s mentally abusing you. The mind games , manipulation, gaslighting ...Get yourself in therapy ASAP and find your self esteem again. Meanwhile stop trying to please a man who cannot be pleased. Stop believing what he says about you. Work towards extracting yourself from this relationship. He’s incapable of showing you that he likes you, never mind respecting you. 2
SumGuy Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 10 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: We have been dating about 1.5 years and are around the same age, early 30s. We live together, and have been for the past year.... Recently, the bf is feeling like we're at the marriage or breakup point and that fact has compounded the effects of the fights we've been having. ... He's not confident in us working out, has been pulling away, and has given me a deadline where if things don't change by that time, he's leaving me. With all this on the table.... Does anyone have any actionable advice? I'm concerned that even if Im fixing it, we'll just drift apart. All I really want is to make him happy. With the state of things now why in the world would marriage be on the table? I would never marry anyone who felt it was marriage r break up. To me that says they want to get married just to be married, not because they want me. Ultimatums? Don't play that. Sadly, even if you jump through hoops to make him happy now..it will be something later. His talking down to you and his demanding behavior isn't going to change, it may take a break but will come back. There is no making such a person happy while retaining your own identity. The practical trouble is you share a place, if you are on the lease, found the place, etc. it would be for him to move out, and it may be anyway. Especially if he has a god job with lots of free time to find a place. Don't feel powerless here if he gets mean or even aggressive, you hold a lot of cards. If it is his house, then it could be more complicated so talk to someone who knows tenets rights. Where I live if you put money into running the home you may well have tenets rights, and you may have them even if you did not, (that is he can't just kick you out onto the street, there has to be some notice and chance for you to find a place) and often here if that is the case people get in trouble for the retaliation, intimidation, yelling, etc. when a person says you can't just kick me out. 1
SumGuy Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 6 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: ... I can't understand why we cant meet at a middle ground. Because he doesn't want to. If he did you could. His making you feel like you are the defective one and always wrong is classic abuser behavior. He is not the guy you think he is, the guy you love is not the real him IMHO. 1
Acacia98 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 6 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: You bring up alot of good points. I think for me I'm concerned that maybe I don't say things very well, and that he's right in all this, and that it's something that will drive a significant other away. Is this your first relationship?
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 Again...he's showing himself as a narcissist. He is always right, you are the problem, he can do no wrong, you are the cause of his disappointment, makes sure he puts you down, confuses you to keep you in your place, he won't take criticism, won't listen to you because he only values his opinion and nobody elses, it's all your fault, it's never good enough for him, lacks empathy, etc. This type of personality cannot be reasoned with, or fixed. It's a losing battle...you will never win, get ahead, they make the worst partners, and man, I tell ya you certainly don't want to bring kids into it. 1
kendahke Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 8 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: He told me he just wants to find his forever person, and if Im not it, then every day he spends with me is one less day he has with her. Those were your marching orders. He's done. I'd cut him loose. 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 13 hours ago, SeriousAsparagus said: We have been dating about 1.5 years and are around the same age, early 30s. We live together, and have been for the past year. Recently, the bf is feeling like we're at the marriage or breakup point and that fact has compounded the effects of the fights we've been having. He's been extremely upset at me about my driving ability, which he extrapolates to whether I could be trusted to drive kids. Additionally, he think I'm antagonistic and always embarassing him. For example, I mentioned to friends when we were together that I was jealous that he could get all his work done in the morning with procrastination and have enough time to play games and enjoy his day. He percieved and believes others perceives it as I'm saying he doesn't work hard. What I told him I meant was that I thought it was pretty awesome how quickly he can get things done. But he says that I dont think about how it comes off. Various situations like above happen throughout the year, but they're always brought up each time. He extrapolates this to be whether he can even take me to work functions or if Im going to jeopardize his job. I just don't ever feel like what I say is taken at face value, and that it's always either attributed to a underlying motive of mine or that he's correct in his analysis. And when I describe how I feel confused, sad or on edge with what I should or shouldn't say, that its a maturity problem. I understand that we all have things that trigger our emotions and he's valid in his feelings. But I just feel like everytime I try to explain myself or talk about my feelings, it gets shut down with how I'm not right or his conclusions of why Im saying something. He says to tell him what I want or need to get myself to change my decision making skills in what I say, but I feel like doing so will just bring out more of the above. I wanted to have a heart-to-heart to talk about everything, but we ended up not having it because he already created a story in his mind of what I would say. And because of that he didn't want to talk. He's not confident in us working out, has been pulling away, and has given me a deadline where if things don't change by that time, he's leaving me. With all this on the table.... Does anyone have any actionable advice? I'm concerned that even if Im fixing it, we'll just drift apart. All I really want is to make him happy. My gut instinct from reading only this first entry and nothing more: is that just your being here at LS suggests that you already possess all you need, and that he if anything is being manipulative. You had the instinct to come and lay-out all of your thoughts... and you laid them out quite effectively. You are not merely some hot babe whose trophy appeal couldn't have spilled-out onto the the pages of Loveshack, and whose general lacking in many other areas identified itself within your words. I don't have any answers, and I can't accurately assess your driving from this point of view. I'm going to read ahead and (wish that you had updated with a detailed description of his MOTHER... and of her relationships with the males in her life.)
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