What are your thoughts on dating someone who has family members that are addicts?

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Erik30 said:

To be fair, you yourself might have a bigger red flag... so I don't think you should judge her for her family 

No one is judging her....just that as mentioned, her family of addiction abuse comes as a package deal. Unless she cuts herself off from them or they get into recovery, her future kids will be exposed, like I was, to those addictions. Been there done that.....not fun

Edited October 13, 2020 by smackie9

[SincereOnlineGuy]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No one is judging her....just that as mentioned, her family of addiction abuse comes as a package deal. Unless she cuts herself off from them or they get into recovery, her future kids will be exposed, like I was, to those addictions. Been there done that.....not fun

"exposure" to addiction isn't relevant at all.

You either have the gene for addiction, or you don't.

 

That's like trying to suggest that by being exposed to redheads, a person of pure Japanese descent might become a redhead merely for being exposed  to such a person.

 

The issue here is more the double standard, where he is allowed to bring his addiction gene to the union while she is verboten to be carrying the same gene.

 

 

[Erik30]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

No one is judging her....just that as mentioned, her family of addiction abuse comes as a package deal. Unless she cuts herself off from them or they get into recovery, her future kids will be exposed, like I was, to those addictions. Been there done that.....not fun

I was talking about the OP judging her, not the people commenting here.

 

5 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The issue here is more the double standard, where he is allowed to bring his addiction gene to the union while she is verboten to be carrying the same gene.

 

Yup that's what I was saying, he's a former addict himself while for her it's the family

[Acacia98]

On 10/11/2020 at 6:30 PM, ShyViolet said:

I think you're being unfair to her.  I don't think having family members with problems should be considered a red flag.  If she herself is responsible and handling her life well, and has strong boundaries between herself and her family, then she should be judged on her OWN, not lumped in with her family members.

I also think you're getting WAYYYYY ahead of yourself and overthinking things.  You went on ONE date with a woman and you're thinking ahead to whether you would want your kids to be involved with her family members.  There's no reason to even be thinking about that right now.

If the discussion was about hiring somebody for a job, I'd agree with the statement that he was being unfair. But I don't think giving everyone an equal opportunity is necessarily an ideal to strive for in dating. People are who they are. They have limitations, vulnerabilities. If, for any reason, petty or significant, someone thinks a relationship wouldn't work, it is best to end things asap instead of stringing the other person along while holding a negative perspective of them.

I can see why someone in recovery would have difficulty dating or marrying someone who came from a family in which addiction was a major part of the dynamic. Being in that situation might set into motion a series of events that would jeopardize his sobriety. Likewise, I can see why a mentally ill person might hesitate to date another mentally ill person. When you're trying to maintain your own health and well-being, you might not have the emotional resources to handle another person's struggles with the same.

I come from a family in which alcoholism is a huge problem. Personally, I don't drink the stuff. But I know the capacity to be an enabler is somewhere inside me. So I've learned to steer clear of people who drink where relationships are concerned. I wouldn't trust my judgment if my boyfriend were an alcoholic or a recovering alcoholic. And, if a recovering alcoholic decided not to date me because of my family history, I honestly wouldn't take it personally.

This stuff really does matter. Having lived it all my life, and being in the situation where I continue to live it, I wouldn't want to drag a reluctant partner into the chaos.

[Ann3zies]

On 10/11/2020 at 1:06 AM, Dork Vader said:

I have run into this a few times and last night went on a date with someone I met on a dating website. The date went well, my sobriety was brought up and it lead to a discussion about the topic. 

While we were discussing the topic it was fairly clear that she has multiple brothers and sisters members who have addiction problems. She herself does not use and is not an addict. But from what I could gather all of her immediate family is an addict to some degree or another.

This is a mild red flag in my mind. While she her self might be a good catch (at least so far). The big concern is that what if she became someone I wanted to marry and have children with? Which honestly, is what I'm looking for. Now I realize it's just the first date, but I'm 36 and have some health issues so I'm hoping to have kids in the near future. I also can't afford to waste time dating dead ends. I basically start looking at whether or not this is someone I would consider having kids with right away.

This could become a source of conflict. If her family members are active addicts, I would not want my kids exposed to them even at family events/functions. The main reason being is that kids are easily influenced and I would not want them picking up bad ideas from her family members that are a mess. 

At what point would this type of thing become a deal breaker for you?

In my opion i feel you should at least give her a 2nd date to find out more about how involved she is with her family. Also being the fact that her family is like that doesn't mean that she would be like that. Take me for example my dad is an alcoholic but i don't drink at all and i don't mind other people drinking. My mom is the one that has to live with him and still go through all of the abuse so i'm still involved because of my mom. I do understand you on you don't want you children to be exposed to these types of things and i do think that they might have the same feeling as what you have regarding that issue. I would say for me the dealbreaker would be if they don't have the same mindset as me. At the end of the day we all learn out of out parents mistakes and we tend to not go onto the same road as what they did. 

This is only my opinon. Goodluck!

[Wiseman2]

You are in recovery now so keep it that way. This is most likely how this subject came up?

It's good you are straight up about it, but people will share thier war stories with you to "prove"  that they're not judgemental.

The key is to date long enough to understand who they are and what their family dynamic is.

Heck, that's the case any way you slice it. 

Edited October 13, 2020 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

Dork Vader, I think you're overthinking this.  Regardless of this particular issue, after one date with a new woman, if you're already thinking of reasons why it won't work, she's not the one for you.   And it could be anything.  

You dont need a reason to not want to date a woman again.  

For me, if I were very attracted, I'd go for it.  If I were not, I'd be using this as a great excuse not to (just like you're doing now).

I mean, no one has a perfectly clean slate, including family history, anyone could find a dealbreaker if they wanted to.

And if my memory serves me correctly you were considering having a relationship with a woman who currently is still an addict.  How would that work with regard to having kids?  

So stop dating this woman, nothing's happening, she's simply not the one for you, no matter what the reasons. 

$.02.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

11 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

"exposure" to addiction isn't relevant at all.

You either have the gene for addiction, or you don't.

 

That's like trying to suggest that by being exposed to redheads, a person of pure Japanese descent might become a redhead merely for being exposed  to such a person.

 

The issue here is more the double standard, where he is allowed to bring his addiction gene to the union while she is verboten to be carrying the same gene.

 

 

Not what I meant.....I meant exposing kids to that sort of dysfunction. I wasn't talking about the kids becoming addicts.

[mark clemson]

I have not read the entire thread, but -

Quote

What are your thoughts on dating someone who has family members that are addicts?

Proceed with extreme caution, if at all. They are not their family, but their family members could easily show up suddenly and then just as suddenly disappear, taking some of your belongings with them.

Or worse.

I'm going to somebody already made that point above, so apologies if this was duplicative.