What are your thoughts on dating someone who has family members that are addicts?

[Dork Vader]

I have run into this a few times and last night went on a date with someone I met on a dating website. The date went well, my sobriety was brought up and it lead to a discussion about the topic. 

While we were discussing the topic it was fairly clear that she has multiple brothers and sisters members who have addiction problems. She herself does not use and is not an addict. But from what I could gather all of her immediate family is an addict to some degree or another.

This is a mild red flag in my mind. While she her self might be a good catch (at least so far). The big concern is that what if she became someone I wanted to marry and have children with? Which honestly, is what I'm looking for. Now I realize it's just the first date, but I'm 36 and have some health issues so I'm hoping to have kids in the near future. I also can't afford to waste time dating dead ends. I basically start looking at whether or not this is someone I would consider having kids with right away.

This could become a source of conflict. If her family members are active addicts, I would not want my kids exposed to them even at family events/functions. The main reason being is that kids are easily influenced and I would not want them picking up bad ideas from her family members that are a mess. 

At what point would this type of thing become a deal breaker for you?

[Watercolors]

It sounds like you talked yourself out of seeing her again. Maybe that's for the best. If you feel this uncertain after one date, I would not ask her out for a second date. That to me is a red flag that can't be ignored. Your gut is telling you that asking her out again would be unwise.

[Dork Vader]

3 hours ago, Watercolors said:

It sounds like you talked yourself out of seeing her again. Maybe that's for the best. If you feel this uncertain after one date, I would not ask her out for a second date. That to me is a red flag that can't be ignored. Your gut is telling you that asking her out again would be unwise.

Well I am OCD and I tend to overanalyze things and look way too deep into things. That said, when I was younger I would have continued to date her and seen what things were like with her. See if she has healthy boundaries set up with her family. But at 36 the window for having kids is closing for me. So it's something I either have to make happen in the next few years or not at all. Thus I'm not willing to invest a ton of time into seeing whether or not it would be a huge problem.

I try not to judge people on their relatives behavior. Their family might have issues but they might not. Yeah I think you're right that I might have talked my
 

[Watercolors]

5 minutes ago, Dork Vader said:

I try not to judge people on their relatives behavior.

I've seen so many Dr. Phil episodes where MIL or FIL hate their son or daughter's spouse and make their married child's life a living hell. So, my philosophy is: you marry the family of the person you're marrying. 

I understand you want children. You could always date a widow or single mother who has children under 18. Or, plan to adopt children later on with the right woman. Or use a surrogate. There's always options for having children. 

[Fletch Lives]

If you could keep the kid away from the family it would be a non-issue.

There is a famous thing some people do - elope (move).

It is possible to get around this issue.

[balletomane]

Speaking as someone whose brother is addicted to alcohol and gambling, I'd say the real dealbreaking question is how assertive this woman is able to be with her family and what boundaries she has in place. She can't control their behaviour but she can control how she reacts to it.

Most of my family feel lost and out of their depth with my brother, so they ignore the issue and actively hope it will go away on its own. I don't agree with this approach. Recently I moved house and he offered to help me load and unpack the van. I refused. He has stolen from people in the past to fund his addiction, so even though I believe he genuinely wanted to help, I won't have him in my house going through my things. My dad was upset on his behalf. I remained firm. Relatives may think I'm too harsh in my rules, but it's my life and I'm sticking by them.

Is this woman able to be firm, or does she easily get guilted and swayed into doing what others want? If you like her, I'd proceed very cautiously and keep that question in your mind.

[astutise]

21 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Speaking as someone whose brother is addicted to alcohol and gambling, I'd say the real dealbreaking question is how assertive this woman is able to be with her family and what boundaries she has in place. She can't control their behaviour but she can control how she reacts to it.

Most of my family feel lost and out of their depth with my brother, so they ignore the issue and actively hope it will go away on its own. I don't agree with this approach. Recently I moved house and he offered to help me load and unpack the van. I refused. He has stolen from people in the past to fund his addiction, so even though I believe he genuinely wanted to help, I won't have him in my house going through my things. My dad was upset on his behalf. I remained firm. Relatives may think I'm too harsh in my rules, but it's my life and I'm sticking by them.

Is this woman able to be firm, or does she easily get guilted and swayed into doing what others want? If you like her, I'd proceed very cautiously and keep that question in your mind.

I agree with this.

I have a very dysfunctional family, with many mental health problems, who have no interest in healing/becoming functional, and as a result, I live very far away and have no contact with them. I would never expect my partner to deal with them and would consider it very unfair for them/my future kids to have to contend with, having being on the receiving end of the their issues and knowing how toxic it is, I have iron-clad boundaries and would extend those boundaries towards my family to a partner, so they don't have to put up with it either. I have no time for toxic people anymore and as a result, wouldn't expect a loving partner to have to be exposed to that. 

Like-wise, if I am dating someone, I would expect the same courtesy to be extended to me, if they have addicts or toxic family members who don't have a proactive approach to bettering themselves. I'm committed towards attaining a healthy relationship/building a loving family of my own and at the end of the day, we can only control our responses so anyone who gets in the way of a healthy life - if there's no chance of change, its a lost cause. Been there, done that. 

Edited October 11, 2020 by astutise

[schlumpy]

It would depend on her. What type of relationship does she have with her family. Is she very aware of the dysfunction or does she make excuses for them and most important does she lend them money?

[Dork Vader]

7 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I've seen so many Dr. Phil episodes where MIL or FIL hate their son or daughter's spouse and make their married child's life a living hell. So, my philosophy is: you marry the family of the person you're marrying. 

I understand you want children. You could always date a widow or single mother who has children under 18. Or, plan to adopt children later on with the right woman. Or use a surrogate. There's always options for having children. 

I have looked at a surrogate and I have a friend (someone I have known for 18 years) who is willing to have a kid with me. But I don't think she is mother material for numerous reasons. 

[Wiseman2]

Family history and association is very important. From a compatibility standpoint, do you want someone who is raised in dysfunction or continues to operate in that dysfunction?

The nature and nurture are against someone like this. Addiction has genetic components and of course a devastating effect on upbringing.

How much of their own time, energy, money etc will be wasted on thier addicted family?

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, Dork Vader said:

This could become a source of conflict. If her family members are active addicts, I would not want my kids exposed to them even at family events/functions. The main reason being is that kids are easily influenced and I would not want them picking up bad ideas from her family members that are a mess. 

At what point would this type of thing become a deal breaker for you?

It doesn't matter when it would or wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.  It's clearly a deal breaker for you now.  

Since you are in recovery I understand why you want to avoid a family full of addicts.  Who needs that headache?   

If it was one outlier maybe you could be OK with it but this just isn't the relationship for you.  Don't go down path that you already know doesn't lead where you want to be.  

[ShyViolet]

I think you're being unfair to her.  I don't think having family members with problems should be considered a red flag.  If she herself is responsible and handling her life well, and has strong boundaries between herself and her family, then she should be judged on her OWN, not lumped in with her family members.

I also think you're getting WAYYYYY ahead of yourself and overthinking things.  You went on ONE date with a woman and you're thinking ahead to whether you would want your kids to be involved with her family members.  There's no reason to even be thinking about that right now.

[d0nnivain]

Early dates are about assessing the new person in your life.  If you already see things that you view as deal breakers, why waste time sticking around?  It not like her family members are suddenly going to address their addictions just because Dork Vador has come into the picture.  

Why get attached if you already know it won't work?  

[Calmandfocused]

Dork, why are you panicking about your age and having kids? You are not a woman. The chances of you passing your reproductive “window” in the near future is slim. 
 

FYI my ex husband was 45 and 47 when our children were born. Yes I get that’s not what most men prefer but my point is it can be done. 
 

I agree with the other posters that say its her enablement of the addictive behaviour that you should be most concerned about. 
 

If she’s got healthy boundaries in place it would be unfair to judge her on the behaviour of her family members. She is not them. 
 

Maybe you need another date to find out the detail. If you like her, go for it. 

Edited October 11, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[smackie9]

If you are thinking of the future, this should be a deal breaker. I already know someone who looked past those issues, now has a bun in the oven, and is in a panic. He realized these people will want to be a part of the child's life, the gf wants them to move in with the parents, which he is doing for fear of upsetting his GF, etc. It's a total $%^& show.

Your in it on one date, you don't really know if she's hiding things about herself. She could be bs-ing you on how saintly she is. Tread carefully my friend.

[Lotsgoingon]

I haven't heard of many addicts who say the cause of their problem was that their mother/father's brothers had addiction problems, and those addiction problems made addiction tempting.

Never heard of it.

More likely is a son or daughter would hear horrible stories about their addicted aunts and uncles. My mother had an addicted brother. Never crossed my mind that that was something to imitate. There was noting remotely tempting about my uncle's life. 

I wonder if you're jumping ahead ... How far are you in recovery? ... 

Edited October 11, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/10/2020 at 4:06 PM, Dork Vader said:

I have run into this a few times and last night went on a date with someone I met on a dating website. The date went well, my sobriety was brought up and it lead to a discussion about the topic. 

While we were discussing the topic it was fairly clear that she has multiple brothers and sisters members who have addiction problems. She herself does not use and is not an addict. But from what I could gather all of her immediate family is an addict to some degree or another.

This is a mild red flag in my mind. While she her self might be a good catch (at least so far). The big concern is that what if she became someone I wanted to marry and have children with? Which honestly, is what I'm looking for. 

This could become a source of conflict. If her family members are active addicts, I would not want my kids exposed to them even at family events/functions. The main reason being is that kids are easily influenced and I would not want them picking up bad ideas from her family members that are a mess. 

At what point would this type of thing become a deal breaker for you?

 

So, in brief, you have the gene for addiction, and you are seeing a 'red flag' in another because indications are that she likely has the gene for addiction ??

 

How exactly does that logic work?

 

If you marry someone who is as genetically pure as newfallen snow, then your shared kids will each only have a 50% chance of carrying the gene for addiction.

 

While if you marry an addict, then any individual kid you have knows a 75% chance of carrying the gene for addiction.

 

How is 50%  ok  while 75% is not ok?

 

The "active addicts" are not relevant to the concern.

 

 

[mortensorchid]

You are involved with the family if you are seriously dating someone.  Do you want to be a part of their dramas?  Hopefully the answer is no.

[Watercolors]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Family history and association is very important. From a compatibility standpoint, do you want someone who is raised in dysfunction or continues to operate in that dysfunction?

The nature and nurture are against someone like this. Addiction has genetic components and of course a devastating effect on upbringing.

How much of their own time, energy, money etc will be wasted on thier addicted family?

These are important issues. 

DorkVader, I think your spidey sense alarm is going off for good reason. You don't need to date this woman multiple times to already know that involving yourself with someone whose family members suffer from addiction problems will likely cause problems for you and her as a couple, whether or not you two would have children together. So many articles, blogs, books, videos, chat shows and sitcoms highlight this very real issue with family systems. One person's addiction can take down the entire family system if that person is enabled and not willing to go into recovery. 

Since you are in the process of recovery, it's in your best interest not to date anyone whose family members aren't in recovery. You need to surround yourself with people who won't trigger your addictions. 

[Fletch Lives]

19 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Dork, why are you panicking about your age and having kids? You are not a woman. The chances of you passing your reproductive “window” in the near future is slim.

 - the latest medial news I heard says that it's just as risky for men to have kids after 40 as it is for women.

[SumGuy]

On 10/10/2020 at 7:06 PM, Dork Vader said:

....Now I realize it's just the first date, but I'm 36 and have some health issues so I'm hoping to have kids in the near future. I also can't afford to waste time dating dead ends. I basically start looking at whether or not this is someone I would consider having kids with right away.

This could become a source of conflict. If her family members are active addicts, I would not want my kids exposed to them even at family events/functions. The main reason being is that kids are easily influenced and I would not want them picking up bad ideas from her family members that are a mess. 

At what point would this type of thing become a deal breaker for you?

It is good to think ahead but in early dating you really have no where near enough information to evaluate if someone is good to start a family with.  Also, are you being a little disingenuous here?  That is, do you reveal you have health issues so the clock is ticking? A woman may not want to start a family with a man who could soon become a burden.

It is way too soon to broach the subject that if you have kids and get married will her family be around.  Given she is sober and actually had to live through a family with addicts, I suspect she keep them at a distance.  Yet there is no short cut to finding this out, you'd have to date her, she how she interacts, and if things get to the right level ask her...but that could take some time with such an important issues as how do you see raising a family together.  You could apply this to any big kid raising question. 

Unless of course you met through an avenue where getting married and having kids is the expectation and thus an appropriate up-front topic.

It is more important when it becomes a deal breaker for you.  It sounds like it is deal breaker now, as you will spend your dates judging instead of getting to know the real person, and letting yourself be known.

You need to meet a person who presents no issues for you as things go along.  Again though, if you are looking for baggage free the honest and decent thing to do is make her aware of your health issue baggage, it goes both ways.

Edited October 12, 2020 by SumGuy

[kendahke]

On 10/10/2020 at 7:06 PM, Dork Vader said:

She herself does not use and is not an addict. The main reason being is that kids are easily influenced and I would not want them picking up bad ideas from her family members that are a mess. 

She was a kid once. She wasn't influenced nor did she pick up their bad habits, going by what you've said so far.

I think you need to observe how she deals with them before you decide that she's going to cave in to them and not stand her ground. Might be that she is a wet noodle with them---might be she's a steel fist in a velvet glove. One date isn't going to get you to finding that out with her.

Freeze your sperm now and if it gets to the point where you're too old to naturally procreate with the woman you love, at least you'll have some on reserve for the right woman.

[Acacia98]

On 10/11/2020 at 2:06 AM, Dork Vader said:

At what point would this type of thing become a deal breaker for you?

The last guy I dated who "didn't drink" but had an alcoholic brother turned out to have a serious drinking problem once I got to know him better. And he and all his brothers would bring out the worst in each other: have binge drinking sessions together. So this type of thing can matter. 

Long story short, you don't really know her. Take the time to get to know her then based on what you feel, you can decide. But if you already feel uncomfortable about the situation, it's okay to decide not to continue dating her.

[ZA Dater]

I have experience with family member addicted to crystal meth over a period of 4 years. Frankly you should not write off the person because of the actions of their family BUT you need to prepare yourself for potentially endless drama an emotional roller coaster. You need to also determine how badly the person you are dating is effected by their family members because you may need to be very supportive. 

Its an incredibly tough road, one I would not wish on my worst enemy. 

[Erik30]

To be fair, you yourself might have a bigger red flag... so I don't think you should judge her for her family