Horses634 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) I was seeing this guy for a few months at uni and we mostly just saw each other during the night time/evening time. Although we did have ‘fun’ together we also would spend a lot of time cuddling and just talked about everything. I started to get feelings for him towards the end but then lockdown happened and we did talk a bit in the summer but that’s really it. He texted me when he got back to uni and he asked if I was in town and we ended up meeting in my room and it was really nice, he gave me tons of hugs and kisses and we talked for hours again. All my feelings have come back again and it feels even stronger this time and I don’t know how long I can keep going like this with him. He never brought up anything about what we are or if he’s looking for something complexly casual. Because we act casual I just assumed that’s what we were but now that I really like him I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should tell him I like him because if he had feelings for me surely he tell me by now? He told me before that is really scared of making the first move and is also scared of acting clingy. And lately he has only been texting me drunk so I don’t know if he does that because he just wants a booty call or he is shy as well. I haven’t felt like this for a guy in a long time so I really need advice on whether I should talk to him and tell him i fancy him or if I should just cut him off. Also he has updated his tinder profile a few times so I’m thinking that’s an indication he’s not that interested. Edited October 10, 2020 by Horses634 Typo
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 22 minutes ago, Horses634 said: He texted me when he got back to uni and he asked if I was in town and we ended up meeting in my room and it was really nice, he gave me tons of hugs and kisses and we talked for hours again. All my feelings have come back again and it feels even stronger this time and I don’t know how long I can keep going like this with him. It depends. Do you want hookups or fwb or a bf or cuddle buddies or just friends? Right now it's kind of confusing and all over the place. Is he asking you out or just hanging out? Does he have a GF? As long as you act casual, all you'll get is casual. So decide what you want from him. 1
Watercolors Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Horses634 said: All my feelings have come back again and it feels even stronger this time and I don’t know how long I can keep going like this with him. He never brought up anything about what we are or if he’s looking for something complexly casual. Why have your feelings come back stronger? You've only had casual encounters with him. And he won't give you a straight answer when you ask him what's going on. Because he doesn't even know himself. 1 hour ago, Horses634 said: Because we act casual I just assumed that’s what we were but now that I really like him I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should tell him I like him because if he had feelings for me surely he tell me by now? You set the parameters with him and agreed to be casual. Now you've developed feelings for him. Most of the time, casual sex never progresses to a real committed relationship. Always safer to start off with mutual feelings that this is a serious committed relationship, then to try to go from ONS and booty calls to a serious relationship. Just doesn't happen. 1 hour ago, Horses634 said: He told me before that is really scared of making the first move and is also scared of acting clingy. He's scared of making the first move but constantly updates his Tinder profiles? That doesn't jibe. Plus, you've been having casual sex with him, correct? He's definitely not shy. He's just not interested in having a serious relationship with you and is too immature to tell you the truth; that he likes the casual sex and doesn't want more from you. He just wants to keep you around until he finds another girl he wants to be serious with. 1 hour ago, Horses634 said: And lately he has only been texting me drunk so I don’t know if he does that because he just wants a booty call or he is shy as well. Booty call. Nothing else. Shy men don't do booty calls. 1 hour ago, Horses634 said: I haven’t felt like this for a guy in a long time so I really need advice on whether I should talk to him and tell him i fancy him or if I should just cut him off. What attracts you to him? His late night drunk booty calls? 1 hour ago, Horses634 said: Also he has updated his tinder profile a few times so I’m thinking that’s an indication he’s not that interested. He's not interested in anything serious with you or you wouldn't be so confused. My sense is he's constantly sending you mixed messages because even HE doesn't know what he wants from you, other than late night sex. If I were you, I'd just put the brakes on things with him and tell him you have to focus on your studies and cant participate in this with him anymore. Find a guy on campus who is transparent, who treats you with respect (who won't late night booty call you), and who is very clear with you from day one that he likes you, is attracted to you, and doesn't give you mixed messages. Avoid all guys who give you mixed messages like this. Edited October 10, 2020 by Watercolors
Author Horses634 Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 18 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Why have your feelings come back stronger? You've only had casual encounters with him. And he won't give you a straight answer when you ask him what's going on. Because he doesn't even know himself. You set the parameters with him and agreed to be casual. Now you've developed feelings for him. Most of the time, casual sex never progresses to a real committed relationship. Always safer to start off with mutual feelings that this is a serious committed relationship, then to try to go from ONS and booty calls to a serious relationship. Just doesn't happen. He's scared of making the first move but constantly updates his Tinder profiles? That doesn't jibe. Plus, you've been having casual sex with him, correct? He's definitely not shy. He's just not interested in having a serious relationship with you and is too immature to tell you the truth; that he likes the casual sex and doesn't want more from you. He just wants to keep you around until he finds another girl he wants to be serious with. Ok the thing is I never set the parameters with him, I never talked to him about what we were and whether he wants anything serious or not. And we don’t have sex every time we see each other, actually we just talked and cuddled more times than we have had sex. The last we saw each other we didn’t even have sex as I warned him I couldn’t and he said he didn’t care and came to see me anyway. Also I have texting him drunk late at night as well even though I am interested in him. 18 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Booty call. Nothing else. Shy men don't do booty calls. What attracts you to him? His late night drunk booty calls? He's not interested in anything serious with you or you wouldn't be so confused. My sense is he's constantly sending you mixed messages because even HE doesn't know what he wants from you, other than late night sex. If I were you, I'd just put the brakes on things with him and tell him you have to focus on your studies and cant participate in this with him anymore. Find a guy on campus who is transparent, who treats you with respect (who won't late night booty call you), and who is very clear with you from day one that he likes you, is attracted to you, and doesn't give you mixed messages. Avoid all guys who give you mixed messages like this. I understand what you are saying but do you not think it’s worth to even have a conversation about what we are and what he is looking for? I never once mentioned anything along those lines because I have been trying to keep it cool so I don’t scare him off but now I’m going insane. Usually I have a chat about where it’s going with a guy but I havevnt with this one.
Author Horses634 Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: It depends. Do you want hookups or fwb or a bf or cuddle buddies or just friends? Right now it's kind of confusing and all over the place. Is he asking you out or just hanging out? Does he have a GF? As long as you act casual, all you'll get is casual. So decide what you want from him. No he definitely doesn’t have a gf and I wasn’t sure what I wanted but I want something more serious with him I think. Right now we do act causal so do you think there is no point in asking him to hang out and do things together? Because he would have asked himself by now wouldn’t he
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) I'm going to guess the updating of his tinder profile is to see how he fairs in the "open" market. He's looking for external validation and probably most comfortable with things that don't involve feelings or making himself vulnerable--like a physical, or casual thing. I don't think it's necessarily correlated with how he feels about you--though it could be. In other words, he might only want or have the capacity for casual at the moment.That he keeps coming back your way, could mean he's open to something with you. That said, college guys are often flakey and not relationship material. And let's face it, you don't want to waste a lot of time either on being tortured, if that is what it turns out to be, rather than having your college fun! I'd say feel it out a little bit. You can ask in a roundabout (ie non-threatening way) if he ever wonders what it would be like if you two were actually dating. You can also do your own thing with dating other guys and see if it "motivates" him a little. Sounds like he is insecure a bit. If he's not going to break through that on his own or with you giving him assurance that you're interested, you would be wasting your time IMO. So try a little not a lot to find out where his head is at. Good luck Edited October 10, 2020 by Versacehottie 2
soyou Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Just tell him! Instead of asking all of us here, nobody has the answer for you! Ask him, then you know the answer so you never have to wonder!! Good luck and update us on how that goes 1
kendahke Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Horses634 said: actually we just talked and cuddled If you want a boyfriend/lover instead of a cuddle buddy, then you need to make that clear to him. He probably thinks you don't want him, sexually, so he's not going to really flip into that role for you--he'll find that elsewhere. 1
poppyfields Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Lol @ "cuddle buddy" is this a real thing? I read a post awhile back where a guy invited himself over to a woman's place to "cuddle." First meet. SMH Don't get me wrong, I love cuddling with my bf, I just don't get the "cuddle buddy" thing. 1
Fox Sake Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 4 hours ago, Horses634 said: I was seeing this guy for a few months at uni and we mostly just saw each other during the night time/evening time. Although we did have ‘fun’ together we also would spend a lot of time cuddling and just talked about everything. I started to get feelings for him towards the end but then lockdown happened and we did talk a bit in the summer but that’s really it. He texted me when he got back to uni and he asked if I was in town and we ended up meeting in my room and it was really nice, he gave me tons of hugs and kisses and we talked for hours again. All my feelings have come back again and it feels even stronger this time and I don’t know how long I can keep going like this with him. He never brought up anything about what we are or if he’s looking for something complexly casual. Because we act casual I just assumed that’s what we were but now that I really like him I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I should tell him I like him because if he had feelings for me surely he tell me by now? He told me before that is really scared of making the first move and is also scared of acting clingy. And lately he has only been texting me drunk so I don’t know if he does that because he just wants a booty call or he is shy as well. I haven’t felt like this for a guy in a long time so I really need advice on whether I should talk to him and tell him i fancy him or if I should just cut him off. Also he has updated his tinder profile a few times so I’m thinking that’s an indication he’s not that interested. Who’s to say he isn’t waiting for you to make a move? He’s told you he doesn’t want to be clingy.... Why would you cut someone off without asking them first, to see where you stand? You got nothing to lose just tell him already , then you will absolutely know whether to cut him off or not. I hope it all pans out the way you want!
Azincourt Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 People tend to either already have ''feelings'' for the person they're having sex with before they have sex, or they develop ''feelings'' over time because they're having sex. I'm not a mind-reader. I don't know what this guy wants. Ask him about it. ''Do you want to keep playing this casual, or are you interested in something more substancial with me?''
ShyViolet Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 Don't make a big declaration of your feelings for him. Instead, I think you should ask him if he is interested in a proper relationship. Tell him you are not interested in a "casual" thing, you are looking for a real relationship, and ask him if he's looking for the same. See what he says. 1
Heatemyheart89 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 I would speak to him about this and see what he says . He may think you aren’t interested in a relationship . Just be true to yourself . If he says he is not interested move on and find the relationship you want .Let us know the outcome .
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) My take on this...you are FWB until something better comes along....you know it, we know it. You are just filling some of his time. I dated a guy like him...after 3 weeks I kicked him to the curb because I saw it as going nowhere. He's keeping his options open because he wants variety and not be nailed down. Edited October 12, 2020 by smackie9 1
boymommy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 Casual relationships rarely develop into serious ones. Not saying it doesnt happen, but generally people have to be in that mindset (especially guys) to be wanting a relationship for that to work. Telling a casual flame you have feelings for him doesnt magically make him want a relationship with you-actually it does the exact opposite in most cases. If you are okay with casual (but it seems like you arent) then keep doing it. Otherwise end it and look for a real relationship with someone who wants that.
Recommended Posts