contel3 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 I've met my boyfriend a few months ago. He's a real sweethart and I'm just so lucky to have him in many ways. There is just one issue we can't seem to find common ground on. I have decided for myself that I am fine with seeing a few select friends and family. He meets up with big groups almost every week, works as an essential worker and goes on international trips and doesn't distance at all during his free time (Keep in mind there are currently no restrictions in my area). My family distances even more than I do and have decided they don't want to see me as long as I am seeing him, unless I do a self-imposed two week quarantine. Which leaves me in an uncomfortable spot of having to see only him or only my family. He is on an international trip right now and I'm starting to get really upset and resentful. I don't know how to adress this with him.
schlumpy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 If you are both young then the mortality rate for the virus is very low. The odds are on your side until they aren't and some people do suffer complications after the infection. It has to be your call. You must weigh the risk against seeing your boyfriend unless you can get him to follow social distancing rules to your satisfaction. You will be slapping yourself if you end up with the virus because you were in love and your SO had no respect for your state of mind. None of that will seem all that important if you are on the wrong side of recovery.
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 This has nothing to do with him, he is going to do what he does regardless. It is up to you to decide whether you choose to see your family or him. Both is not an option. 3 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Unfortunately there's nothing to address. You can't police him or tell him what to do. This is not about your family vs him. This is about you and your choices. You don't have to date this guy if he takes risks you don't like. If he takes chances and you and your family are very cautious, it seems you are simply incompatible with him
salparadise Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: If you are both young then the mortality rate for the virus is very low. The odds are on your side until they aren't and some people do suffer complications after the infection. She's talking about her family, which includes parents and perhaps grandparents who could be at very high risk of complications. 4 hours ago, contel3 said: I have decided for myself that I am fine with seeing a few select friends and family. He meets up with big groups almost every week OP, your family is right to be concerned. If your boyfriend refuses to distance and engages in reckless behavior (as you described), then he is high risk –– and by being with him, you are the same level of risk. This is how it works; secondary risk is hardly any different than primary risk. If your family is choosing to reduce their risk as much as possible by keeping a tight circle with limited outside exposure, then you should respect that. They shouldn't have to tell you –– you should be choosing to stay away for their sake. How would you feel if you infected them all via the boyfriend, possibly with dire consequences? Seeing only a few select friends is a pretty good strategy if all of those friends are being careful to limit their own exposure... but if any one individual is seeing someone who is high risk due to being exposed to large groups of random people, then the whole group assumes that risk. So your select friends are being exposed to the same risk as your boyfriend –– via you. There basically is no transmission resistance with this virus. If you breathe the same air for a few minutes as someone infectious, even if asymptotic, you'll contract it and pass it in the same manner. In other words, if your boyfriend should get it (high probability), then your select friends and your family (if you see them) will have risk factors a lot closer to 100 than to 0. You seem to assume that you are some kind of buffer, when the reality is that you are a transfer medium. Think about it. You can't see this boyfriend without exposing everyone else you see to the same risk. Edited October 10, 2020 by salparadise 3 1
d0nnivain Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Me personally I'd pick somebody less cavalier. DH & I are considering traveling to see his mother for Thanksgiving but if we go, we will not see his brother or SIL while there because they have never socially distanced. We're simply unwilling to risk it. We said if they quarantined for the two weeks before we arrived we'd be happy to see them. They think we are nuts & will not refrain from going to bars & "living their lives" It's a choice. You can't make his choices for him. Just think about how you would feel if you got sick from him, you inadvertently passed it on to a family member & then an elderly relative of yours died. I couldn't live with that so I'd ditch the BF. Similarly we are skipping a celebration of life service tomorrow because the hall where it's being held has a membership that has not worn masks or socially distanced since the outset. It's not worth the risk to us.
Author contel3 Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: This has nothing to do with him, he is going to do what he does regardless. It is up to you to decide whether you choose to see your family or him. Both is not an option. Thats fair enough. I don't want to pass anything on to anyone.....I couldn't forgive myself if something happened. I'm less worried about myself, my age group isn't at risk. I can break up with him, which I really don't want to do as everything else is fine. Or I can basically give up most of my support system, to be together with a guy I really haven't known that long which is really scary. I know I can't control his actions, but I feel like I'm being made to choose and I'm really upset about it.
kendahke Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 The mortality rate might be low, but the effect of the virus on the lungs and heart can be life long--and having it once doesn't mean you won't get it again and it do even worse damage. Pride goes before destruction. I'd opt for my family over someone who doesn't respect me enough to care about my health. 3
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) It's only been two months....that's long enough to know if that person is right for you....My perspective, this would be a deal breaker hands down. breaking up with him will give you the results you want....talking to him, will give you zero results. Edited October 10, 2020 by smackie9
Be Cool Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/10/2020 at 1:37 PM, contel3 said: I've met my boyfriend a few months ago. He's a real sweethart and I'm just so lucky to have him in many ways. There is just one issue we can't seem to find common ground on. I have decided for myself that I am fine with seeing a few select friends and family. He meets up with big groups almost every week, works as an essential worker and goes on international trips and doesn't distance at all during his free time (Keep in mind there are currently no restrictions in my area). My family distances even more than I do and have decided they don't want to see me as long as I am seeing him, unless I do a self-imposed two week quarantine. Which leaves me in an uncomfortable spot of having to see only him or only my family. He is on an international trip right now and I'm starting to get really upset and resentful. I don't know how to adress this with him. You can't change peope. The only you can change, is your attitude and thoughts towards them. In this case, if you ALREADY told him about this, but he's still doing it, then let him be, or leave him. Don't try to make him do something because you want it. After all, there's a simple rule in life: People will always do things they genuinely want, and never the things they genuinely don't want to. So if he genuinely doesn't want to do the SD stuff, then why even bother? 2
Be Cool Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 7 minutes ago, AlyssaJohnston20 said: Hi, contel3! I am also going through the same situation: me and my boyfriend have completely different points of view towards social distancing during the pandemic. I tried to persuade him that this issue is really important for me and for my family. At first he got really annoyed, but then we managed to came to compromise . He understood that this is important for me and agreed to limit his social contacts to the most essensial ones. So. I suppose that the best way to solve this conflict of positions is a dialogue with your partner. Try to be more open to share your thoughts, and I hope you two will find a compromise. The bolded part, to me, is one of a few fundamental reasons why at least 80% of couples don't work out in the long run. Basically, you tried to change ANOTHER person. Another totally different human being. And no one, I repeat, no one, ever succeeded in doing so. All you could do, is to have one (I stress: just ONE) normal peaceful conversation with the other person about what you want him/her to do or to be, then that's it. From that moment on, the ball is in their court, not yours. If they agree to obey you, then that's good for you, congrats. If they don't, then accept it and move on from the topic, or even the relationship if you can't stand the fact that another human being won't do the things you like or become the things you want. I recommend you read some Stoic books on this matter. 3
Author contel3 Posted October 22, 2020 Author Posted October 22, 2020 Hi guys, got some updates! I actually decided to have a conversation with him, he took it pretty well. I basically told him I feel scared if I am around people who don't socially distance and he said he'd be more careful so I don't have to feel uncomfortable. He's been really respectful about it the last few weeks. I am quite mortified today though, because he is a doctor and just got moved to the covid track. Numbers are spiking in our area and I'm absolutely terrified of him being there.
Ellener Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 46 minutes ago, contel3 said: I am quite mortified today though, because he is a doctor and just got moved to the covid track. Numbers are spiking in our area and I'm absolutely terrified of him being there. Good thing the doctors and other workers will work even if it makes them sick, we'd all be lost without them. I see this differently than everyone else I think, I'd prioritise my adult relationship with my boyfriend(s) and social distance from my family and contact them by phone/letter/email, or visit occasionally after a quarantine. It's nice to have a close family support system but everything comes at a price. I would never have done half of the things in my life including emigrating if I'd listened to my family! and I wanted to make my own way, mistakes and all. Once I was grown up I didn't want to be around my extended family so much, they had so many opinions on how I should live my life...
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2020 Posted October 22, 2020 4 hours ago, contel3 said: I am quite mortified today though, because he is a doctor and just got moved to the covid track. Numbers are spiking in our area and I'm absolutely terrified of him being there. I would like to think that doctors have a handle on this. At work he will all the best protections. In the hospital he's pretty safe. That said, I don't think you two are compatible. His job will always stress you out.
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