Author kiwistwbry Posted October 12, 2020 Author Posted October 12, 2020 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: How do you mean? Are you gonna start multi-dating, juggling different guys now? Going against who you are, your true nature? Not at all. What I meant was to not focus all my energy on one person. To keep my options open until there’s someone who proves themselves to be “a strong and sturdy basket” as quoted by Elaine. And to just go with the flow like you said.
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 12, 2020 Author Posted October 12, 2020 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: I know in your heart what you expect from a man...tho this man was generous and had conversations with you, that don't mean romantic interest does it? We ladies know what an interested man does, and how nothing will get in the way of his interest in you...asking for dates, brings a small clutch of flowers or your favorite coffee, thoughtfulness, complimenting you, getting to know you, asking questions about you, actually listens to you and remembers what you told him! .....you know actual pursuit, courtship...this guy has done none of that. I understand we focus too much on getting the prize, we lose sight of what is actually going on, or what's not going on. That’s the thing though. Based on past actions he was thoughtful, complimenting, and showed interest. During the dates he remembered things I had said, asked a bunch of questions to not only get to know me better but ALSO my son. That was a first for me since getting divorced and going out with other guys. Him trying to get to know who my son was by asking questions about him too. This was one sign that made me think he wasn’t just looking for something casual. I think that’s another reason why I tried to be more patient with his current situation. But add in what I took as mixed messages threw me off...
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) was there any flirting? friendly banter?, hand holding? TBH if he's as romantic as a wet sock....still a deal breaker. Edited October 12, 2020 by smackie9
poppyfields Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) 37 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said: Not at all. What I meant was to not focus all my energy on one person. To keep my options open until there’s someone who proves themselves to be “a strong and sturdy basket” as quoted by Elaine. And to just go with the flow like you said. I'm curious how a man goes about "proving" this. In my experience, this would take a long time, many weeks or even months! Lots of time spent together, shared experiences, successfully resolving at least one conflict together, among other things. So you are going to keep your options open during this entire time? Will you be okay with HIM keeping his options open as well? Does this also include delaying becoming exclusive until he proves he's strong and sturdy? To me, this sounds unrealistic, but if that is your mindset, I wish you the best of luck, truly. Just my $.02 again, but I see nothing bad or wrong with focusing your energy on one man at a time (exclusivity) and vice versa, to see where it leads. Might last a week, a month, a year, 20 years! As long as you can detach from the outcome, and take it one day at a time, it's all good. Remember it's a journey, not a destination. Edited October 12, 2020 by poppyfields
boymommy Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) On 10/10/2020 at 12:40 AM, kiwistwbry said: Makes sense, but my previous text to him did say “I can see you’re not interested. All good. Hope all is well!” This clearly showed him that I wasn’t bothered by his disinterest and that I was actually okay with it and was wishing him well, so... Wouldn't this have let him off the hook??? His reply almost made it seem like he was trying to tell me that my way of thinking wasn’t correct. Because he probably is extremely insecure and has abandonment issues. He may be interested but comes off as hot/cold and have self esteem issues. You pulling away triggered him to reach out and become more honest and therefore open up. i have dated this type of guy before it takes a lot of patience because they move really slow. Although very sweet, genuine, and sincere it can be really exhausting at times. Pros/cons like anything else. If you do wish to pursue then set boundaries and hold him accountable. That will help! Edited October 12, 2020 by boymommy
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 18 hours ago, smackie9 said: was there any flirting? friendly banter?, hand holding? TBH if he's as romantic as a wet sock....still a deal breaker. All of those things but nothing physical.
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 18 hours ago, poppyfields said: I'm curious how a man goes about "proving" this. In my experience, this would take a long time, many weeks or even months! Lots of time spent together, shared experiences, successfully resolving at least one conflict together, among other things. So you are going to keep your options open during this entire time? Will you be okay with HIM keeping his options open as well? Does this also include delaying becoming exclusive until he proves he's strong and sturdy? To me, this sounds unrealistic, but if that is your mindset, I wish you the best of luck, truly. Just my $.02 again, but I see nothing bad or wrong with focusing your energy on one man at a time (exclusivity) and vice versa, to see where it leads. Might last a week, a month, a year, 20 years! As long as you can detach from the outcome, and take it one day at a time, it's all good. Remember it's a journey, not a destination. Proving through actions. And yes you’re right, that would take time. I guess his actions towards me were never consistent. That’s what made me feel confused about what he was looking for in general. I’ll definitely be keeping my options open during this time because this guy isn’t giving me a reason why I shouldn’t. I’m sure he is either doing the same, or if our assumptions are correct about him not prioritizing his dating life, then maybe he’s not trying to see anybody right now. Or just casual hookups, who knows. Although he doesn’t strike me as a person who does that. I will become exclusive once it’s been determined we’re both on the same page. I can’t even get this guy to tell me what he’s looking for in general. Casual, relationship, friendship, whatever. Maybe he doesn’t even know right now since he’s focused on other life topics. Just don’t want to focus on one guy who doesn’t seem to be doing the same in return. Then I could possibly be passing up someone who is ready to do that, knows they want a relationship with someone, etc. It also feels like it shouldn’t be this much work. Something seems off.
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 17 hours ago, boymommy said: Because he probably is extremely insecure and has abandonment issues. He may be interested but comes off as hot/cold and have self esteem issues. You pulling away triggered him to reach out and become more honest and therefore open up. i have dated this type of guy before it takes a lot of patience because they move really slow. Although very sweet, genuine, and sincere it can be really exhausting at times. Pros/cons like anything else. If you do wish to pursue then set boundaries and hold him accountable. That will help! This is a new and very interesting theory. It actually makes a lot of sense. It sounds similar to those who are emotionally unavailable but not quite? I’ve read articles about people who can be slow in relationships, but as long as there’s progression then you know they’re not just wasting your time...
boymommy Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said: This is a new and very interesting theory. It actually makes a lot of sense. It sounds similar to those who are emotionally unavailable but not quite? I’ve read articles about people who can be slow in relationships, but as long as there’s progression then you know they’re not just wasting your time... Correct. The biggest thing to look out for is that his actions match his words and that he is both accepting feedback from you (hence holding him accountable) and he is willing to make changes neccessary to any healthy relationship. Like an example would be if you speak to him about something that is bothering you, is he receptive to that and willing to work on it or does he just go cold again? Thats the biggest indicator if you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable person vs just someone more wounded/guarded/slow moving. 1
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