45 Year Old Male Sending Mixed Messages

[Fletch Lives]

On 10/9/2020 at 10:35 PM, kiwistwbry said:

? I don’t think I even completely understand his response.

 - when you are confused that's your gut telling you he's not interested.

[kiwistwbry]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's on you not to allow yourself to be strung along too, OP. 

It's not about what you do or don't deserve. It's about correctly reading the room and finding the exit when the inhabitant of that room makes it clear that you're not going to be comfortable in there. You don't need to wait around for them to guide you to the exit. 

I guess human decency these days is overrated. He could’ve given me a clear cut answer while still being nice. Oh well.

[Versacehottie]

15 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

I guess human decency these days is overrated. He could’ve given me a clear cut answer while still being nice. Oh well.

I think you have too high or skewed expectations on decency in this context.  For you, an answer about where the relationship is going and that he's definitively made up his mind is feasible in 3 dates---for him and a lot of people it isn't.  You are seeking a clear cut answer when maybe he doesn't have one to give.  Also the fact that you say you were looking for "an answer" is more evidence that your statement to his was actually a question that you hoped he'd refute or confirm.  If you'd truly decided to move on, maybe he doesn't need to know, you just do it.  Therefore, it's not a question, needing a response but a true statement you can make when he reaches out asking YOU what is going on.  It was a question in disguise really.

eh, things are all a matter of perspective.  Maybe he considers it indecent that you didn't give him a chance to say what was in his mind and pulled the plug without letting him doing the decent thing.  Maybe he finds you putting words into his mouth indecent in general or being backed into a corner.  He's not at fault for not having genuine interest in you as unfortunate as it is.  If you just don't feel it, you don't feel it.

Maybe consider it a gift that you discovered with one sentence that in your world you find his statements confusing or vague better 3 dates in than 3 months in or 3 years in.  A good communication thing even if you were confused by what he said, is to ask "what do you mean by that?"  OR get further clarification.  We can all be confusing at times.  I have to go back and reread what he said but I didn't think it was confusing---it may not have been truthful or a sufficient explanation for you and it may have been disappointing.  What I remember was he took the hit--that you threw out.  IMO, a lot of people don't feel like they need to give a status update at 3 dates in, which I don't think is the worst in the world--depends on how much they are leading you on or what was promised really.  If you've just had a good time and there was nothing over the top, lack of pursuing means they aren't interested.  Or not for you if it's not at your pace you like, amount of contact you like.

Oh well, is a good way to look at it. Better luck on the next one.

[stillafool]

There's no way I'd know whether I would want a relationship after 3 dates.  I wouldn't even want to talk that serious so soon.  I would just want to have fun and see how I feel.  Apparently OP has fallen in love with this guy or why else would she need to know this info so soon.

[Heatemyheart89]

As someone who always analyses contact , I don’t think sounds too great. He doesn’t seem to be in the right place to date . I think you should just leave it .

[kiwistwbry]

7 minutes ago, Heatemyheart89 said:

As someone who always analyses contact , I don’t think sounds too great. He doesn’t seem to be in the right place to date . I think you should just leave it .

Agreed.

[kiwistwbry]

Giving more detail to this situation because it seems necessary. We have actually known each other for one year now. I provide pet services as a side job and we initially connected through Facebook when I made a job posting on a local dog group page. He reached out to me to walk his dog while he worked nights at a restaurant. We live just 5 minutes away from each other.

As time went on he started calling me while even making small chat, meanwhile all of my other pet owners text only. We even began to exchange personal info, including me telling him that I’m a single mom to my 10 year old son. 

During quarantine I wasn’t allowed to work and he still continued to pay me, which added up to hundreds of dollars. When quarantine started he even asked if I needed anything. Because of all this I ended up adding him on Facebook and we are still friends on there.

He has “liked” several of my pictures, including selfies, made comments on them, and has “liked” pictures of my son too. Most recently within the last week. He also started up a conversation through Facebook messenger to tell me about where he worked and provided a link for take out. I then said perhaps I could go there sometime with my grandmother once quarantine was over and he said that sounded great, and to say hi to grandma. This was in April.

But just in June of this year he was demoted from his manager position, therefore not needing my services anymore due to lack of money and inconsistent scheduling. He told me he felt humiliated telling me that. I responded with that he didn’t need to worry about any judgment from me. I later purchased a gift card from his restaurant instead since my grandmother wasn’t comfortable eating out at the time. 

I then suggested going out and he agreed. We went out two more times after that and I thought we both enjoyed ourselves. But once things started moving forward with us I could sense hesitation on his part. Especially his unusually delayed responses. Hence my final conclusion that he wasn’t interested after all. Perhaps part of me was hoping he would give me some clarity but I didn’t ask for it directly because at this point I was already feeling confused and rejected by what I perceived as mixed messages. 

Edited October 11, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[kiwistwbry]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

There's no way I'd know whether I would want a relationship after 3 dates.  I wouldn't even want to talk that serious so soon.  I would just want to have fun and see how I feel.  Apparently OP has fallen in love with this guy or why else would she need to know this info so soon.

I get where you’re coming from. But my question was not to find out if he wants to have a relationship with me. It was to see what he’s looking for in general. At this time in his life is he looking for something casual or a relationship? If we’re not on the same page then why waste each other’s time? That’s why my text also clearly explained my intentions. Not just a casual hookup or fling.

I was not trying to back him into a corner like other people have commented on here. I was trying to see where his head is when it comes to dating in general.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said:

Giving more detail to this situation because it seems necessary. We have actually known each other for one year now. I provide pet services as a side job and we initially connected through Facebook when I made a job posting on a local dog group page. He reached out to me to walk his dog while he worked nights at a restaurant. We live just 5 minutes away from each other.

As time went on he started calling me while even making small chat, meanwhile all of my other pet owners text only. We even began to exchange personal info, including me telling him that I’m a single mom to my 10 year old son. 

During quarantine I wasn’t allowed to work and he still continued to pay me, which added up to hundreds of dollars. When quarantine started he even asked if I needed anything. Because of all this I ended up adding him on Facebook and we are still friends on there.

He has “liked” several of my pictures, including selfies, made comments on them, and has “liked” pictures of my son too. Most recently within the last week. He also started up a conversation through Facebook messenger to tell me about where he worked and provided a link for take out. I then said perhaps I could go there sometime with my grandmother once quarantine was over and he said that sounded great, and to say hi to grandma. This was in April.

But just in June of this year he was demoted from his manager position, therefore not needing my services anymore due to lack of money and inconsistent scheduling. He told me he felt humiliated telling me that. I responded with that he didn’t need to worry about any judgment from me. I later purchased a gift card from his restaurant instead since my grandmother wasn’t comfortable eating out at the time. 

I then suggested going out and he agreed. We went out two more times after that and I thought we both enjoyed ourselves. But once things started moving forward with us I could sense hesitation on his part. Especially his unusually delayed responses. Hence my final conclusion that he wasn’t interested after all. Perhaps part of me was hoping he would give me some clarity but I didn’t ask for it directly because at this point I was already feeling confused and rejected by what I perceived as mixed messages. 

All of this information should have been included in your first post here. If you want an accurate response to your question, leaving out details like this will skew other posters' responses. This is what annoys me about forums. You leave out critical pieces of information and expect us to read your mind. Then you react frustrated or upset b/c you know this background information about your year long casual acquaintanceship, but we do not (until you posted it here). 
 

Quote

 

I then suggested going out and he agreed.

 

 

 

 

You should not chase anyone to go out with you. There are things we can control but we cannot control how others react to us. That is one of the lessons in dating and relationships to remember. You only have control over yourself. You can't force someone to respond to you the way that you want them to, or the way that you respond to them. You can only control your responses to other people.

And, when they let you down, try not to overreact like with the pre-emptive text strikes questioning his interest level so confrontationally. Put simply: try not to be so confrontational with people. It will put them off and make them distance themselves from you. Try to accept the other person where they're at, and meet them in the middle. 

People will always disappoint you. It's human nature. You need to find a way to lower your expectations, and not confront someone when they don't respond the way you think they should. Not everyone is going to be considerate of your feelings and you can't force them to be, or expect them to be. 
 

Quote

Especially his unusually delayed responses. Hence my final conclusion that he wasn’t interested after all. Perhaps part of me was hoping he would give me some clarity but I didn’t ask for it directly because at this point I was already feeling confused and rejected by what I perceived as mixed messages. 

I agree with others that your biggest issue is your unrealistic expectations of others. They are unrealistic because you assume that everyone thinks and acts like you do.

His lack of interest is unusual for you, because you really liked him and expected your yearlong acquaintanceship as his dog walker to turn into a substantial relationship after 3 dates.  

I would encourage you to work on lowering your expectations of other people, and try to recognize that not everyone thinks and acts like you do. I'm sorry he lost interest in you romantically but it happens. 

Are you hoping he changes his mind about you? Will you keep him as a FB friend despite his rejection of you romantically? Are you going to pursue a platonic friendship with the hidden agenda of trying to get him to be romantic with you again, or will you let that wish go, and accept just his platonic friendship instead? 

Edited October 11, 2020 by Watercolors

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said:

I provide pet services as a side job and we initially connected through Facebook when I made a job posting on a local dog group page. He reached out to me to walk his dog while he worked nights at a restaurant. We live just 5 minutes away from each other.

Ok, so if there is still any professional association maintain that. Keep your FB page updated and professional. However as far as dating/romance, leave him alone. Next time don't send nasty pre-emptive texts to people who could give potential clients referrals...Or not. try not to mix business and romance, even if was not a client at the time you dated. 

[kiwistwbry]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so if there is still any professional association maintain that. Keep your FB page updated and professional. However as far as dating/romance, leave him alone. Next time don't send nasty pre-emptive texts to people who could give potential clients referrals...Or not. try not to mix business and romance, even if was not a client at the time you dated. 

Yes, I think the takeaway from ALL OF THIS is to just LEAVE HIM ALONE. 

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said:

Yes, I think the takeaway from ALL OF THIS is to just LEAVE HIM ALONE. 

But as his FB friend you can't do that until you delete him from your social media, and drop his dog and him as a paying customer. Can you do that?

[kiwistwbry]

6 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

But as his FB friend you can't do that until you delete him from your social media, and drop his dog and him as a paying customer. Can you do that?

We haven’t had a professional relationship since he no longer needed my services in June and stopped payments accordingly. Which is when we started going out. 

We’ve been friends on Facebook since March and I haven’t decided whether I will delete him or not. Even if he’s not interested romantically, he was still supportive during a difficult time and I appreciated that.

Edited October 11, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I think you have too high or skewed expectations on decency in this context.  For you, an answer about where the relationship is going and that he's definitively made up his mind is feasible in 3 dates---for him and a lot of people it isn't.  You are seeking a clear cut answer when maybe he doesn't have one to give.  Also the fact that you say you were looking for "an answer" is more evidence that your statement to his was actually a question that you hoped he'd refute or confirm.  If you'd truly decided to move on, maybe he doesn't need to know, you just do it.  Therefore, it's not a question, needing a response but a true statement you can make when he reaches out asking YOU what is going on.  It was a question in disguise really.

eh, things are all a matter of perspective.  Maybe he considers it indecent that you didn't give him a chance to say what was in his mind and pulled the plug without letting him doing the decent thing.  Maybe he finds you putting words into his mouth indecent in general or being backed into a corner.  He's not at fault for not having genuine interest in you as unfortunate as it is.  If you just don't feel it, you don't feel it.

Maybe consider it a gift that you discovered with one sentence that in your world you find his statements confusing or vague better 3 dates in than 3 months in or 3 years in.  A good communication thing even if you were confused by what he said, is to ask "what do you mean by that?"  OR get further clarification.  We can all be confusing at times.  I have to go back and reread what he said but I didn't think it was confusing---it may not have been truthful or a sufficient explanation for you and it may have been disappointing.  What I remember was he took the hit--that you threw out.  IMO, a lot of people don't feel like they need to give a status update at 3 dates in, which I don't think is the worst in the world--depends on how much they are leading you on or what was promised really.  If you've just had a good time and there was nothing over the top, lack of pursuing means they aren't interested.  Or not for you if it's not at your pace you like, amount of contact you like.

Oh well, is a good way to look at it. Better luck on the next one.

 

[Versacehottie]

The extra details helped though it doesn't really change my overall opinion.   Which btw, I did reread what he told you word for word--it's clear enough to me.  AND most importantly, if you look at his statement with the additional context you just gave, his reason actually sounds like the truth.  He's 45, been demoted and having a little bit of financial difficulties.  He started in a place where he employed you and carried you like a good client or gentleman who was probably interested in more than your professional services would.  Also you pursued him more than he did you when it came to going on a date, so while he might have been into you, he might have already known it wasn't the right time for him personally.  Idk, lots of people's feelings about their self-worth and ability to be a good boyfriend are tied to their career and money making potential.  Also if you have a child and he doesn't, it's probably a little scary for him (maybe he's never dated someone with kids before & realizes it's a big responsibility and it's not the way he imagined his next girlfriend even though he likes you).  

I think watercolors said this which I totally agree with:you can't assume everyone thinks and will act like you do.

I think you jumped the gun with a guy who could have genuinely been interested in you.  Actually hearing the extra details you just gave there are good signs there & he did some very sweet things for you.

Lol, I'm the one who said "backed him into a corner" which I do stand by.  Here's the thing if you wanted to "see where his head was at" regarding dating, you simply could have asked exactly that.  (i still think it's would probably be too soon for most guys & that there is a general impatience with your approach but whatever).  But you didn't do that neutral question.  Your statement, though it might have seemed cool on the surface is the thing someone says when they are butthurt and impatient.  I guess he doesn't see himself in a position to date just like he said; I'd say due to the circumstances, he's probably right (some guys would find a way regardless but not all people are the same).  I don't think he was stringing you along.  I think you were hopeful and put yourself on the line to try to create something with someone that was giving you the signs. He probably had a longer timeline in mind--and for everyone, it's always contingent on being compatible and into it on both ends and it's not immune to external problems (like finances or old girlfriends popping up can throw things for a loop).

We are here commenting with you so don't want you to feel attacked but there is little we can do regarding his side of it.  While we can give you advice regarding your side of it. I think if you did the same tactics thinking it's totally fine to do those and that this guy is the only problem, you'd be making a mistake.  Next time keep flirting back but let the guy make the first move IMO--that will show you his "readiness".  And if you want an answer to a question you have, simply ask it.  Good luck

Edited October 11, 2020 by Versacehottie

[poppyfields]

Wow, after V's last and awesome post, not much left to say except consider cutting and pasting her posts to your fridge and reading ever morn with your coffee. 

And lesson learned. 

 

[kiwistwbry]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Wow, after V's last and awesome post, not much left to say except consider cutting and pasting her posts to your fridge and reading ever morn with your coffee. 

And lesson learned. 

 

Eh, I appreciated her viewpoints but that doesn’t mean I agreed with everything. I’ve realized that maybe he and I are just at different points in our lives. Up until a few years ago I wasn’t looking to hang out with men at all, let alone date. But I’ve moved on and have since become interested in finding someone who is also looking for a relationship and this guy clearly isn’t. At least not anytime soon, and it would be selfish for either of us to expect the other to go along with timelines that don’t match up. It seems there are too many personal issues happening in his life right now that are taking priority over dating.

Edited October 12, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Snow_Queen]

7 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

 It seems there are too many personal issues happening in his life right now that are taking priority over dating.

This is exactly what he was trying to tell you from the beginning.

[kiwistwbry]

48 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

This is exactly what he was trying to tell you from the beginning.

Sure, along with some breadcrumbs to keep me hopeful until he did get his life together. I’ve since moved on to other potential partners. Should’ve done that sooner. Now I know not to put all my eggs in one basket.

Edited October 12, 2020 by kiwistwbry

[Heatemyheart89]

The best thing to do is recognise you two are in different places in life . Chances are he was never looking for a relationship . Don’t take it personally , just move on and find a guy who is . I don’t think he will be back and honestly I think there will be someone who is a better fit and you will look back and recognise this .

I say this as someone who has had a similar situation . I asked him out and then after he gave me some wishy washy answers . He was not really interested in me or a relationship .

Edited October 12, 2020 by Heatemyheart89

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said:

. Now I know not to put all my eggs in one basket.

Nothing wrong with putting all your eggs in one basket, but you need to make sure it is a strong and sturdy one before you do. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Sure, along with some breadcrumbs to keep me hopeful until he did get his life together. 

It sounds more like one of those "it's me not you" type explanations to get out of things. He wasn't stringing you along, he just wasn't feeling it.

Good you moved on.

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

He's 45, been demoted and having a little bit of financial difficulties.  He started in a place where he employed you and carried you like a good client or gentleman who was probably interested in more than your professional services would.  

Since being demoted he has no longer the standing he previously did, his job may not be secure any longer and at 45 that is  a huge blow.
He has gone from the generous benefactor, to a person, depending on his outgoings, who may be in need of handouts in a short period of time.
For proud, self sufficient men that may all be too much.

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, kiwistwbry said:

Now I know not to put all my eggs in one basket.

How do you mean?  Are you gonna start multi-dating, juggling different guys now?  Going against who you are, your true nature?  

Why?  Because it didn't work out with one guy you had a mere three dates with?  

K, I dont mean to sound patronizing or anything but take a deep breath, and calm down.  This^ is an overreaction to something that really should be just a blip.  

Learn and practice resilience, if such a thing can be learned, I think it can.  It would serve you really well and make your dating experiences a whole lot more fun, much less anxiety-provoking I could almost guarantee it

Instead of going against your true nature and jugging different guys (i.e. not putting all your eggs in one basket), how about continue being you, just don't allow yourself to become too attached to the outcome?

Take it one day at a time and become flexible and resilient to whatever happens!

Guarantee if you had done that, this thread probably wouldn't even exist. 

You would have simply picked yourself up, dusted that * off, and carried on. Chatting and meeting other guys until you clicked with one and tried again.

If that one didn't work, you try again.  It's called resilience.

I'm lucky, I have always been resilient and am able to bounce back quick; some experiences more quickly than others depending on the circumstances.  And it's served me really well over the years. 

Why?  Because I take things one day at a time.   May sound odd, but even in a long term relationship, I don't allow myself to become too attached to the outcome.

Why?  Because I've learned that even long term relationships often have an expiration date.  So do many many marriages which is why I'm not a big fan of the institution, but that's another thread.

I am not afraid of intimacy, getting and being close, being open, sharing, falling in love, BUT I always remain a bit detached from the outcome and instead allow it to play out, naturally, the way the Universe or God, whatever your belief, intended. 

I dunno don't mean to sound preachy, I still have lots to learn myself, but flexibility, resilience and not becoming too attached to the outcome, have served me so well, and allowed me to move on from any situation with relative ease. 

$.02.  xo

 

 

Edited October 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

I know in your heart what you expect from a man...tho this man was generous and had conversations with you, that don't mean romantic interest does it? We ladies know what an interested man does, and how nothing will get in the way of his interest in you...asking for dates, brings a small clutch of flowers or your favorite coffee, thoughtfulness, complimenting you, getting to know you, asking questions about you, actually listens to you and remembers what you told him! .....you know actual pursuit, courtship...this guy has done none of that. I understand we focus too much on getting the prize, we lose sight of what is actually going on, or what's not going on.

Edited October 12, 2020 by smackie9