kiwistwbry Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 I’m a 34 year old female and have gone out with this guy 3 times. But he’s been sending mixed messages and I don’t know what to do. I texted him that I can see he’s not interested, that it was all good, and that I hoped all was well. He replies saying this... “I apologize for not responding. You are a wonderful person and I truly would like to see you again. I am going through a bit of a mess socially and mentally so it is difficult for me to imagine I would have much to offer. I can be a bit socially awkward sometimes and it drives me absolutely crazy because it has been very difficult to overcome.” Any thoughts on this? I don’t think I even completely understand his response.
FMW Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Sounds like he's a bit of a mess right now, probably best you just let it go, or at least not have any expectations of him. Don't initiate contact again, see what he does. If he reaches out and asks you out again, then decide if you want to go. But again, don't have any particular expectations of him, he'll probably disappoint you. He's given you plenty of warning he would be a difficult person to be involved with. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 He's not ready for a relationship, because he is nowhere near finding his life purpose. He has not accomplished the personal goals that makes him feel confident, masculine, and proud, and for those reasons, is emotionally unavailable. If you date him, things will be good at first, but there will be no consistency. You may have noticed elements of push / pull already. Your best course of action is to wish him well and move on. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Why bother? He's not in any state of mind to date, may never be. 1
Mystery4u Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 I don't see any mixed message, it's pretty clear that for whatever reason he does not want anything to develop with you, ie. hes just not that interested. It's only been 3 dates. No big loss. On to the next one. 3
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 This is where my confusion comes in. If he’s not ready for a relationship or not that interested, then why say “You are a wonderful person and I truly would like to see you again.” Why not say something like this instead? “You are a wonderful person but I’m just not looking for a relationship.”
Mystery4u Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) 22 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said: This is where my confusion comes in. If he’s not ready for a relationship or not that interested, then why say “You are a wonderful person and I truly would like to see you again.” Why not say something like this instead? “You are a wonderful person but I’m just not looking for a relationship.” Because nobody likes to make other people feel bad by telling them they are not interested, and try to take the soft approach. It's the easier option. This forum is filled with threads where exactly this happens. He is just telling you excuses. He means he is not in the right place for whatever reason to have a relationship with you and is trying to let you down gently. If you ever have to wonder if someone is truly interested or ask them if they are, that means they are not. When you meet someone who matches your interest level, there will be no confusion, no mixed signals, no wondering, no questions, you will just know. Edited October 10, 2020 by Mystery4u 6
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 Makes sense, but my previous text to him did say “I can see you’re not interested. All good. Hope all is well!” This clearly showed him that I wasn’t bothered by his disinterest and that I was actually okay with it and was wishing him well, so... Wouldn't this have let him off the hook??? His reply almost made it seem like he was trying to tell me that my way of thinking wasn’t correct.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 He might go out for kicks or hook up, but he's letting you know he's not gonna be doing anything more.
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Sounds like he's not really interested but wants to keep you on the back burner? I'd forget about him. 1
Mystery4u Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 1 hour ago, kiwistwbry said: Makes sense, but my previous text to him did say “I can see you’re not interested. All good. Hope all is well!” This clearly showed him that I wasn’t bothered by his disinterest and that I was actually okay with it and was wishing him well, so... Wouldn't this have let him off the hook??? His reply almost made it seem like he was trying to tell me that my way of thinking wasn’t correct. Who knows why he used the words he did...to be honest it doesn't really matter.. the bottom line is he was telling you he's not interested in anything more with you. 1
Calmandfocused Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Op, do not let his response “wobble” you. You made exactly the right decision. I recently had an experience where I dated a man for 6 weeks who I knew was not really interested from the first date even though he said he was. It didn’t end well - I felt horrible about it. But it did teach me an important lesson and I will never do that again. Interested men act interested. No question about it. His response was a feeble attempt to keep you around just in case he changes his mind about you. Do not be fooled or manipulated by this. It’s not taking your needs into account at all and is all about him. 3 2
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: His response was a feeble attempt to keep you around just in case he changes his mind about you. You are so right.. Edited October 10, 2020 by kiwistwbry
Acacia98 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 2 hours ago, kiwistwbry said: Makes sense, but my previous text to him did say “I can see you’re not interested. All good. Hope all is well!” This clearly showed him that I wasn’t bothered by his disinterest and that I was actually okay with it and was wishing him well, so... Wouldn't this have let him off the hook??? His reply almost made it seem like he was trying to tell me that my way of thinking wasn’t correct. Sounds to me like he's not really interested in you, but at the same time, he doesn't want you to not be interested in him. It's an ego thing. And it is selfish. If you allow him to set the tone or try to hard to "understand" him you can expect the push-pull dynamic to become your norm and to gradually erode your self esteem. The best piece of advice I can give you as you try to navigate through the dating world is not to expect other people to share your way of thinking and your values. You may consider it normal to communicate in a straightforward manner, but plenty of people don't. And there isn't some wonderful, redemptive reason for their communication failure. Most of the time, it's not that they really really like you but are awkward about expressing themselves. Most of the time, they really are manipulative or selfish and lack the self-awareness (or honesty) to call it what it is. 1
schlumpy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 If you like projects, he is your man. Who knows. You might be able to mold him into that guy you dream about.
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 4 hours ago, kiwistwbry said: This is where my confusion comes in. If he’s not ready for a relationship or not that interested, then why say “You are a wonderful person and I truly would like to see you again.” Why not say something like this instead? “You are a wonderful person but I’m just not looking for a relationship.” Because in your message you expressed interest in him, "Hope all's well" so he felt he had to let you down gently. He did the old, " I would love to see you again, BUT..." The last thing you need is some lukewarm guy who is a self confessed bit of a mess socially and mentally. Of course that may not be true, he may just have said that to put you off... "Its not you, its me..." 4 hours ago, Mystery4u said: When you meet someone who matches your interest level, there will be no confusion, no mixed signals, no wondering, no questions, you will just know. ^^ this. Confusion is not a reason to delve deeper, to try to understand, to make excuses. Confusion is telling you something, and confusion is rarely if ever good. Confusion is usually based on hope and hope can lead you down some very dark paths and is not often fulfilling in the end. 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 8 hours ago, kiwistwbry said: “I apologize for not responding. You are a wonderful person and I truly would like to see you again. I am going through a bit of a mess socially and mentally so it is difficult for me to imagine I would have much to offer. I can be a bit socially awkward sometimes and it drives me absolutely crazy because it has been very difficult to overcome.” Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately it's one of those " it's me not you" excuses. Sometimes after. 3 dates things just don't work out. Maybe he met someone else, maybe went back to his ex, who knows? Simply delete and block him. Just move forward.
poppyfields Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Interested men act interested. No question about it. Emotionally healthy men act interested. Sadly, in today's dating environment, not always the case, as I suspect it's not in this guy's case. OP, whether he's not interested or is and playing games or messed up in the head (fears/anxieties), after only three dates, I would probably toss this one back. To me, him telling you he thinks you're wonderful and wants to see you again and then immediately after telling you he is "a bit of a mess," socially awkward, and has nothing to offer is very much a mixed message. Leads to eventual crazy-making if you continue. How did you respond? Edited October 10, 2020 by poppyfields
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 7 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Emotionally healthy men act interested. Sadly, in today's dating environment, not always the case, as I suspect it's not in this guy's case. OP, whether he's not interested or is and playing games or messed up in the head (fears/anxieties), after only three dates, I would probably toss this one back. To me, him telling you he thinks you're wonderful and wants to see you again and then immediately after telling he has nothing to offer is very much a mixed message. Leads to eventual crazy making if you continue. How did you respond? Very good point. My response - “Thank you. And I understand, that happens to me sometimes too. From my side I’ve been getting mixed messages. I’m looking for us to share times together to get to know each other better. Me being the one to usually reach out and the delayed responses have been discouraging. I would like to hear what you’re looking for?” 2
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 11 hours ago, kiwistwbry said: This is where my confusion comes in. If he’s not ready for a relationship or not that interested, then why say “You are a wonderful person and I truly would like to see you again.” Why not say something like this instead? “You are a wonderful person but I’m just not looking for a relationship.” Because he may be interested but he is not ready. He is on the fence, and saying he is messed up but likes you. A way to put the ball in your court. You can say you'd like to try anyway, or you can say you understand and hope some day he feels ready. He's giving you a softball to go either way and save face....at least that is my guess. He is also letting you know if you do go out he may not be too responsive because of what he is going through. Or....he could be being nice and hope you will end it. 1 1
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 3 minutes ago, kiwistwbry said: Very good point. My response - “Thank you. And I understand, that happens to me sometimes too. From my side I’ve been getting mixed messages. I’m looking for us to share times together to get to know each other better. Me being the one to usually reach out and the delayed responses have been discouraging. I would like to hear what you’re looking for?” Excellent response in my view. 1
poppyfields Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) Let us know if/when he responds. How were your first three dates? Any sense of social anxiety or awkwardness on those dates? Who initiated? Any physical connection? Dare I ask, sex? No judgment from me if you did. Edited October 10, 2020 by poppyfields
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 9 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Let us know if/when he responds. How were your first three dates? Any sense of social anxiety or awkwardness on those dates? Who initiated? Any physical connection? Dare I ask, sex? That’s the thing. On the dates he didn’t seem overly anxious or anything. I mean, maybe a bit nervous, but I was too! There were a couple moments where we got close to kissing but it never happened. I actually think more so on my part. Nerves just got the best of me in that area. So far it had been me initiating the dates with him then planning the rest.
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 He sounds too broken. He's doing the "If you could possibly feel sorry for me, then I can carry on being lazy and not that interested..." 2
Author kiwistwbry Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, smackie9 said: He sounds too broken. He's doing the "If you could possibly feel sorry for me, then I can carry on being lazy and not that interested..." Interesting point! Never thought of it like that. 1
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