He's a nice guy but not intellectually stimulating?

[smackie9]

21 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The antiparticle of the electron is called the positron; it is identical to the electron except that it carries electrical and other charges of the opposite sign.

When an electron collides with a positron, both particles can be annihilated, producing gamma ray photons.

hahahahaha Grade 9 science class! it was so atomic lol

Edited October 11, 2020 by smackie9

[Raveninthedark]

On 10/9/2020 at 4:28 PM, Raveninthedark said:

I'm going on 3 months with this sweetheart of a guy. We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend (his request by the way). 

He's very tall and attractive, financially responsible with a very good job, and he's incredibly sweet and attentive. In truth, he's a little needy and labels himself as a "guy who wears his heart on his sleeve." I've had some bad luck dating in the last year with douchebags and cheaters and at one point even had to get a restraining order on someone who stalked me at one point. So, I'm a little bit traumatized from it and I was grateful to find such a sweet, attentive, and handsome fellow.

However, he's not stimulating at all. He has a HARD TIME making conversation about anything, I'm the one who is constantly talking, and when I try and create random conversations like about true-crime or movies or bands, he doesn't know what to say. He truly looks STUMPED half the time! He doesn't have any hobbies at all either, something I find strange. He doesn't work out, he doesn't play video games, he doesn't watch movies, typical stuff that my ex-boyfriends would do. He mainly sleeps, visits friends and he'll wind up sleeping there half the time, or visits me where it's like pulling teeth for conversation, if he's not sleeping. He does work A LOT and it's very physical anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. But, would it make him this quiet and tired all the time? 

At first, I thought maybe my conversation was above his level so I tried to talk about things he might know about. Pop culture, music, and movies. And, that's not working either. Because he doesn't watch movies, tv, or listen to music! And, believe me I've tried very hard to get him into my own hobbies and he can't pay attention to anything. Either he's groping me or he passes out. When I tried to get him into walking my dog around the neighborhood, he kept asking every 10 minutes, "You getting tired? You wanna head aback now? You wanna go back home now? You wanna leave now?" Same thing for biking. I'm a very active, outdoorsy, and educated person. I have a lot of different hobbies and I can't get him into anything or to talk about anything either. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm dating a brainless sex doll. Don't. get me wrong, he's still very sweet but... it just feels like i'm not getting anything out of this except sex. And, what happens when the passion dies?

Are my expectations too high? Or too low? 

 

I just opened my account again and I cannot believe how low my expectations were of this guy. I was absolutely miserable for months. We were NOT compatible. Not even a little bit. It turned out he was an alcoholic and that's why he was always tired, bored, and had nothing to say. Because he was either tired from work or drunk. Took me about 5 months to figure it out. 

[Killian898]

Interesting plot twist.
 

As a matter of interest how do you think he hid it and how did you eventually figure out that he was a booze hound? And was this not apparent during the first couple of months when you would e.g head out for the night together or back at yours having a couple of drinks together?

[Calmandfocused]

Wow! 
 

Something similar happened to me Op. I was dating a guy for 4 months who presented similar as you described. He was always very tired too and would fall asleep all the time.

Turns out he was a drug addict which explained everything, including why he couldn’t hold a proper conversation most of the time. 
 

It’s not worth it. The addiction always comes first. 
 

Glad to hear this experience is behind you. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Raveninthedark said:

. It turned out he was an alcoholic and that's why he was always tired, bored, and had nothing to say. Because he was either tired from work or drunk. Took me about 5 months to figure it out. 

Excellent . Sometimes things are clearer in the rearview mirror.

Good you dumped him.

[dramafreezone]

On 10/9/2020 at 4:28 PM, Raveninthedark said:

I'm going on 3 months with this sweetheart of a guy. We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend (his request by the way). 

He's very tall and attractive, financially responsible with a very good job, and he's incredibly sweet and attentive. In truth, he's a little needy and labels himself as a "guy who wears his heart on his sleeve." I've had some bad luck dating in the last year with douchebags and cheaters and at one point even had to get a restraining order on someone who stalked me at one point. So, I'm a little bit traumatized from it and I was grateful to find such a sweet, attentive, and handsome fellow.

However, he's not stimulating at all. He has a HARD TIME making conversation about anything, I'm the one who is constantly talking, and when I try and create random conversations like about true-crime or movies or bands, he doesn't know what to say. He truly looks STUMPED half the time! He doesn't have any hobbies at all either, something I find strange. He doesn't work out, he doesn't play video games, he doesn't watch movies, typical stuff that my ex-boyfriends would do. He mainly sleeps, visits friends and he'll wind up sleeping there half the time, or visits me where it's like pulling teeth for conversation, if he's not sleeping. He does work A LOT and it's very physical anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. But, would it make him this quiet and tired all the time? 

At first, I thought maybe my conversation was above his level so I tried to talk about things he might know about. Pop culture, music, and movies. And, that's not working either. Because he doesn't watch movies, tv, or listen to music! And, believe me I've tried very hard to get him into my own hobbies and he can't pay attention to anything. Either he's groping me or he passes out. When I tried to get him into walking my dog around the neighborhood, he kept asking every 10 minutes, "You getting tired? You wanna head aback now? You wanna go back home now? You wanna leave now?" Same thing for biking. I'm a very active, outdoorsy, and educated person. I have a lot of different hobbies and I can't get him into anything or to talk about anything either. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm dating a brainless sex doll. Don't. get me wrong, he's still very sweet but... it just feels like i'm not getting anything out of this except sex. And, what happens when the passion dies?

Are my expectations too high? Or too low? 

 

Can't you just fool around with him and then watch NPR?

Sorry I heard that joke on Big Bang Theory.

In any event, I just think this is a trick your mind is playing on you.  If you wanted to be with an intellectual type, or if this was attractive to you, you would have never ended up with this guy.  Who you're dating is who you're attracted to.  I just think after a certain amount of time we try to idealize our partners, so wish they had this or that.

I see the update says it didn't work out.  Even if alcoholism was affecting him profoundly. you would still see glimpses of intelligence in between his stupors.  In any event, there's plenty of intellectual types out there, all you have to do is go looking.

Edited November 19, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Girl Fade Away]

On 10/9/2020 at 7:02 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

You're dating someone who sounds utterly empty and lifeless

I don't think that is fair, he could be a huge introvert, more quiet and reflective and not interested in the mundane like some others are.  Video games or true crime? I might be turned OFF by a man who was into video games lol.  And would never judge for not being into true crime or other things you mentioned.

Does he enjoy reading books?  Do you?  Many introverts do, so maybe you can let him know what books you are reading and inquire into what he is reading?  My boyfriend and I love discussing books.    I mean he must have some interests, they are just not your interests.  Does not mean he not intellectually stimulating or is empty and lifeless.   

Since you find him attractive, he he sweet and attentive, responsible and kind and you feel a connection, maybe try and find a common ground?    Or change your mindset from 'not intellectually stimulating' to the "strong, silent type."   There is something to be said for those types, they actually made great boyfriends and husbands.

That said, if you are more extroverted, you could just be incompatible and maybe ending it would the best thing to do.

Edited November 19, 2021 by Girl Fade Away

[Girl Fade Away]

14 hours ago, Raveninthedark said:

I just opened my account again and I cannot believe how low my expectations were of this guy. I was absolutely miserable for months. We were NOT compatible. Not even a little bit. It turned out he was an alcoholic and that's why he was always tired, bored, and had nothing to say. Because he was either tired from work or drunk. Took me about 5 months to figure it out. 

Oh wow, just read this, nevermind my last post!!

[spiderowl]

On 10/10/2020 at 12:28 AM, Raveninthedark said:

I'm going on 3 months with this sweetheart of a guy. We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend (his request by the way). 

He's very tall and attractive, financially responsible with a very good job, and he's incredibly sweet and attentive. In truth, he's a little needy and labels himself as a "guy who wears his heart on his sleeve." I've had some bad luck dating in the last year with douchebags and cheaters and at one point even had to get a restraining order on someone who stalked me at one point. So, I'm a little bit traumatized from it and I was grateful to find such a sweet, attentive, and handsome fellow.

However, he's not stimulating at all. He has a HARD TIME making conversation about anything, I'm the one who is constantly talking, and when I try and create random conversations like about true-crime or movies or bands, he doesn't know what to say. He truly looks STUMPED half the time! He doesn't have any hobbies at all either, something I find strange. He doesn't work out, he doesn't play video games, he doesn't watch movies, typical stuff that my ex-boyfriends would do. He mainly sleeps, visits friends and he'll wind up sleeping there half the time, or visits me where it's like pulling teeth for conversation, if he's not sleeping. He does work A LOT and it's very physical anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. But, would it make him this quiet and tired all the time? 

At first, I thought maybe my conversation was above his level so I tried to talk about things he might know about. Pop culture, music, and movies. And, that's not working either. Because he doesn't watch movies, tv, or listen to music! And, believe me I've tried very hard to get him into my own hobbies and he can't pay attention to anything. Either he's groping me or he passes out. When I tried to get him into walking my dog around the neighborhood, he kept asking every 10 minutes, "You getting tired? You wanna head aback now? You wanna go back home now? You wanna leave now?" Same thing for biking. I'm a very active, outdoorsy, and educated person. I have a lot of different hobbies and I can't get him into anything or to talk about anything either. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm dating a brainless sex doll. Don't. get me wrong, he's still very sweet but... it just feels like i'm not getting anything out of this except sex. And, what happens when the passion dies?

Are my expectations too high? Or too low? 

 

He sounds sweet, like you say, but basically not able to engage with you on an intellectual level.  I'm afraid you will find him frustrating in the long run.

He has probably had this problem before.  Few women would be able to cope with someone who had no interests of their own and couldn't hold a conversation, no matter how sweet he was.  This may be why he says he 'wears his heart on his sleeve' - basically, women keep dumping him and he doesn't know why!  It's a shame but you need to work out whether you will be compatible long term or not.

[chillii]

Your just incompatible and don't gel,'

You can't make conversation that won't last try hard fizzles sooner or later it has to. He sounds like he just has no interest sorry, it's all about personalities. Honestly, my woman and l could talk about a house brick, we just gel, but no way l could the same with someone else though l'd be bored shytless, it's all about her personality and the way she'd talk about whatever it is and vise versa. Some personalities interest us, some don't. He has no interest in talking or doing much, whether that's a personality thing his or yours, don't know. He mightn't shut up with a different personality, or maybe it's just him.

Edited November 21, 2021 by chillii