Raveninthedark Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 I'm going on 3 months with this sweetheart of a guy. We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend (his request by the way). He's very tall and attractive, financially responsible with a very good job, and he's incredibly sweet and attentive. In truth, he's a little needy and labels himself as a "guy who wears his heart on his sleeve." I've had some bad luck dating in the last year with douchebags and cheaters and at one point even had to get a restraining order on someone who stalked me at one point. So, I'm a little bit traumatized from it and I was grateful to find such a sweet, attentive, and handsome fellow. However, he's not stimulating at all. He has a HARD TIME making conversation about anything, I'm the one who is constantly talking, and when I try and create random conversations like about true-crime or movies or bands, he doesn't know what to say. He truly looks STUMPED half the time! He doesn't have any hobbies at all either, something I find strange. He doesn't work out, he doesn't play video games, he doesn't watch movies, typical stuff that my ex-boyfriends would do. He mainly sleeps, visits friends and he'll wind up sleeping there half the time, or visits me where it's like pulling teeth for conversation, if he's not sleeping. He does work A LOT and it's very physical anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. But, would it make him this quiet and tired all the time? At first, I thought maybe my conversation was above his level so I tried to talk about things he might know about. Pop culture, music, and movies. And, that's not working either. Because he doesn't watch movies, tv, or listen to music! And, believe me I've tried very hard to get him into my own hobbies and he can't pay attention to anything. Either he's groping me or he passes out. When I tried to get him into walking my dog around the neighborhood, he kept asking every 10 minutes, "You getting tired? You wanna head aback now? You wanna go back home now? You wanna leave now?" Same thing for biking. I'm a very active, outdoorsy, and educated person. I have a lot of different hobbies and I can't get him into anything or to talk about anything either. Sometimes it feels like I'm dating a brainless sex doll. Don't. get me wrong, he's still very sweet but... it just feels like i'm not getting anything out of this except sex. And, what happens when the passion dies? Are my expectations too high? Or too low? 1
Mystery4u Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Why did you agree to become official? Dating is to see how compatible you are.. and you both are clearly not. Time to end things. 7
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Raveninthedark said: ... Are my expectations too high? Or too low? Your expectation are just that, what you are after and what's compatible. Sounds like there is a large gulf between you two outside of bed. When younger women I knew had a name for it, a "himbo" fun for a while, but even those guys seemed to have hobbies, be into some sort of music or outdoor activity.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Are your expectations to high? Are you kidding me. You're dating someone who sounds utterly empty and lifeless. Your expectations are far too low--like almost nothing. This guy walks and talks and has a job and you're dating him. What's in this for you? But let me give you credit: you're facing the reality that this guy can't hold a conversation at all and has no apparent interests or hobbies. I have a relative like this and let me just say I sometimes think there's a mental health issue involved. Get the hell out of this nothing relationship. And yes, you may need to go work on yourself. I get it. You avoided an abuser this time. But you picked a empty, no energy, no-interest guy ... uh ... there's a lot of people in between those two poles. Your task is to figure out how to allow yourself to meet and get involved with these people who are neither abusers and are not empty lifeless company. 6
OnlyHonesty Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 He may be a workaholic and finds definition of who he thinks he is through that. I bet if you asked questions about his job he wouldn't be stumped. It sounds to me that you have not set clear boundaries for yourself too. Why are you having sex and being official with a brainless sex doll?
schlumpy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 9 hours ago, Raveninthedark said: Sometimes it feels like I'm dating a brainless sex doll. Don't. get me wrong, he's still very sweet but... it just feels like i'm not getting anything out of this except sex. And, what happens when the passion dies? Are my expectations too high? Or too low? Yes you are, but he's awfully damn good looking isn't he? It could be he's getting his intellectual jollies from someone else. 1
elaine567 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 He has friends, so what does he talk about with them? 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Unfortunately it sounds like the topics you want to discuss are boring to him. Try to do more and talk less. Bonding comes from doing things together and shared experiences. Chitchat about movies, video games,etc. is simply just not that interesting. Learn to broaden your horizons and become a better listener, more receptive. Make sure you are ready to date someone new and be interested in who they are and what they are about rather than just "not abusive like my exes" . 2
snowboy91 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 The person you're dating should be someone you can actually enjoy spending time with when you're not having sex. Since statistically you won't be having sex with them most of the time (even with an active sex life, there is still significant amounts of time when you're doing other stuff). If you're not enjoying spending time with them for whatever reason (you sound bored with him), then you don't have to continue even if he does "all the right things". 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Working over 40 hours a week is not healthy. Yes, it could be the problem. 1
Caauug Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, Raveninthedark said: He does work A LOT and it's very physical anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. But, would it make him this quiet and tired all the time? Yes. That will make you tired and want to sleep. I hope he is on good money and saving it up so he can slow down in a few years. 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: Working over 40 hours a week is not healthy. Yes, it could be the problem. LOL.... Not everyone is in semi-retirement. My working week is 7shifts x 12hs = 84 hrs, I get the next week off so it averages to 42hrs/week. Just work, eat sleep for that week. They call it a "family friendly" roster...…. Other companies offer 2 and 1, so 2 weeks or 14 x 12 hr shifts and one week off.... Good for paying the house, car, boat and Harley off..... More common in FIFO sites, not good for family..... 13 hours ago, Raveninthedark said: Sometimes it feels like I'm dating a brainless sex doll. Don't. get me wrong, he's still very sweet but... it just feels like i'm not getting anything out of this except sex. And, what happens when the passion dies? You have to decide what you want. Is his job going to lead somewhere or is it dead end? If he has to put in the hard yards for a few years to move up to a more relaxed position or a higher paid position and less hours.... Not everyone can jump into a sweet 38hr work week with good money. That would be nice, ditch him because he doesn't watch drama TV..... 4 yrs later bump into him he's territory manager or something with company car and all the perks on a 6 figure income, married to a bimbo with a kid and one in the oven..... And you are still swiping...... Edited October 10, 2020 by Caauug
Ellener Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 14 hours ago, Raveninthedark said: Are my expectations too high? Or too low? Why do you have to have expectations? It's a relationship not a portfolio. Live in the moment, enjoy each day exactly where it's at. If 2020 taught us humans anything it was that. 2
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Working over 40 hours a week is not healthy. Yes, it could be the problem. While I may agree, who in this world (the US of course ) can get by with less than 40 hours a week? Salaried positions look for more, hourly you need the hours. Let alone some states in the US don't require benefits until you work 40 hours. 2
SumGuy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 2 hours ago, Caauug said: .... That would be nice, ditch him because he doesn't watch drama TV..... 4 yrs later bump into him he's territory manager or something with company car and all the perks on a 6 figure income, married to a bimbo with a kid and one in the oven..... And you are still swiping...... Sounds like he is a little more lacking than that in the what he is interested department. As to his financial success....only matters if OP needs a man for money or wishes to ride his gravy train. 2
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Not intellectually stimulating?...how unattractive. How could you ever sleep with that? Stop wasting your time. 1
poppyfields Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Ellener said: Why do you have to have expectations? Live in the moment, enjoy each day exactly where it's at. If 2020 taught us humans anything it was that. Amen sista! "The past is history, the future a mystery and the present is a gift which is why it's called "the present." --- The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success - Deepak Chopra Detach from the outcome and embrace the present. Edited October 10, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 17 hours ago, Raveninthedark said: He does work A LOT and it's very physical anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. So doctors, attorneys, pilots, CEOs, etc are out? You need to find someone right for you. Someone with low work hrs who wants to talks about movies and video games. 1
Watercolors Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) Raven you and he are incompatible. That's the simplest way to respond to your OP question: Quote He's a nice guy but not intellectually stimulating? Why have you put up with this for 3 months? Is the sex and the companionship what's keeping you with him? Yes, you've dated douchebags and stalkers and are fed up and found a nice guy with a stable job who has friends and can afford to pay rent and covers all the basics and he's not a psychopath. BUT...he's just not compatible with you and for some reason you can see that but you won't take action on this information. You've dated enough men over the years, I assume, who you weren't compatible with. How did you respond to those incompatible partners? Edited October 10, 2020 by Watercolors
Versacehottie Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 Just because he's met the threshold of "interested in you" doesn't mean he's the right one for you, You've given it a chance, ie 3 months is enough IMO and now know what he's about (or not about!). I think you have standards and he just doesn't meet them--not a diss on him, just that there is someone better suited out there for each of you. The standards are neither too high or too low, that would imply something is "wrong" with him. He's just not IT for you--doesn't meet YOUR standards. Good for having them btw. If you are bored 3 months in, imagine what it would be like at 6 months, a year, a lifetime. Hard pass. good luck 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 The antiparticle of the electron is called the positron; it is identical to the electron except that it carries electrical and other charges of the opposite sign. When an electron collides with a positron, both particles can be annihilated, producing gamma ray photons. 2
Azincourt Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) OP, if this guy ain't doing it for you, intellectually, astrologically, spiritually, whatever it is, then it is what it is, and no amount of effort is going to change what's going on. Go meet other men and you'll come across a guy you have a great intellectual connection with. Edited October 11, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic 1
Dork Vader Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 On 10/9/2020 at 4:28 PM, Raveninthedark said: I'm going on 3 months with this sweetheart of a guy. We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend (his request by the way). He's very tall and attractive, financially responsible with a very good job, and he's incredibly sweet and attentive. In truth, he's a little needy and labels himself as a "guy who wears his heart on his sleeve." I've had some bad luck dating in the last year with douchebags and cheaters and at one point even had to get a restraining order on someone who stalked me at one point. So, I'm a little bit traumatized from it and I was grateful to find such a sweet, attentive, and handsome fellow. However, he's not stimulating at all. He has a HARD TIME making conversation about anything, I'm the one who is constantly talking, and when I try and create random conversations like about true-crime or movies or bands, he doesn't know what to say. He truly looks STUMPED half the time! He doesn't have any hobbies at all either, something I find strange. He doesn't work out, he doesn't play video games, he doesn't watch movies, typical stuff that my ex-boyfriends would do. He mainly sleeps, visits friends and he'll wind up sleeping there half the time, or visits me where it's like pulling teeth for conversation, if he's not sleeping. He does work A LOT and it's very physical anywhere from 40-60 hours a week. But, would it make him this quiet and tired all the time? At first, I thought maybe my conversation was above his level so I tried to talk about things he might know about. Pop culture, music, and movies. And, that's not working either. Because he doesn't watch movies, tv, or listen to music! And, believe me I've tried very hard to get him into my own hobbies and he can't pay attention to anything. Either he's groping me or he passes out. When I tried to get him into walking my dog around the neighborhood, he kept asking every 10 minutes, "You getting tired? You wanna head aback now? You wanna go back home now? You wanna leave now?" Same thing for biking. I'm a very active, outdoorsy, and educated person. I have a lot of different hobbies and I can't get him into anything or to talk about anything either. Sometimes it feels like I'm dating a brainless sex doll. Don't. get me wrong, he's still very sweet but... it just feels like i'm not getting anything out of this except sex. And, what happens when the passion dies? Are my expectations too high? Or too low? I think there is an important distinction to be made here. There is a difference between being intelligent and having a life. It sounds more like what is lacking is the life aspect of it. I find it odd that he has no hobbies, nothing he gets excited about or wants to talk about. I have been on dates with people who lacked intelligence. Trust me they could carry a conversation, but the things they would say left me sitting there wondering how they made it this far in life or I would talk about things that were way over their heads. They would want to understand the topic, I would try and explain it and they just could not comprehend the topics. Guys can be shy and some can have a bit of a shell. Before you break things off with him, I would really stress to him that you need more intellect/conversation. If he can't step up to the bar then it's time to move on. This is a big deal as so much revolves around it. You might even try to get him into hobbies, things that are fun. I've learned one thing in dating, being sweet can be worked on to some degree. But having chemistry in which you both stimulate each other brains and have interest in each others lives is difficult to find. It's easy to tell someone hey, I'd appreciate a card, romance or I love you. But you can not change a persons personality or increase their intelligence. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 You two don't sound compatible, OP. You're already struggling to connect at just 3 months. It's not working. I would wish him well and part ways. 1
ShyViolet Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 Oh hell no. Is intelligence and personality important to you in a partner? It sure is to me. I wouldn't be able to stay with a person like this, not in a million years. I'd dump him immediately. He doesn't sound very smart. Being "nice" and attractive are NOT enough. And the fact that he works a lot is no excuse, it shouldn't mean that he can't hold a conversation or ever have an intelligent thought. Don't settle for this. 4
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 On 10/9/2020 at 7:28 PM, Raveninthedark said: I've had some bad luck dating in the last year with douchebags and cheaters and at one point even had to get a restraining order on someone who stalked me at one point. And these guys were intelligent? It sounds like you enjoy excess stimulation to the point of extreme drama. That has nothing to do with "dumb" or "no life". It has to do with you. It sounds like you are not ready to date "boring" stable guys.
Recommended Posts