Being a man in a female-dominated workplace

[JasonLevi]

I’m a guy in his 30s and have not been in a relationship for most of my life, not for lack of trying (but that’s a different story). I usually work in female-dominated environments. I don’t mind it, but what usually happens is that at some point early on, one of the women ask me in front of everyone whether I’m in a relationship. I say no I’m not. Then from that moment on, every few weeks, I have to deal with comments from female (and occasionally male) staff. Some examples of random unprovoked comments:

1.       I’d set you up with my friend, but you’re just too short for her.

2.       (After saying I spent the weekend learning about the stars) – No wonder you’re still single!

3.       (Male staff member asking other women in front of me) Would you date a guy his height?

4.       Hey you should join Tinder – I’d swipe right on you so you’d have at least one match.

5.       When was the last time you were able to get a date?

I usually handle these comments with some grace and humor, but it’s insulting, tiring and frankly unprofessional. I am now going to start a new job, and it looks likely to be female-dominated again. Please don’t respond with “Ignore them”, “rise above it”, “you shouldn’t care what people think” etc. I’m fully aware of that, but I would like to make it clear that talking about my private life is off limits.

I expect that someone will ask me whether I’m in a relationship, married etc, and I just want to ignore the question or change the subject. I don’t think it’s any of their business. I can’t imagine going up to a female staff member on her first week and asking if she’s in a relationship – it would result in sexual harassment claim before I could make my morning tea.

How do I avoid answering questions about my relationship status at work? What would you say?

 

**I once helped a female friend deal with being hit on at work in the financial sector, so I know men in particular sectors can be quite horrible too.

[Wiseman2]

The work environment doesn't matter. Just say " I'm dating casually" or "I'm seeing someone".

You should not be discussing your love life at work anyway.

Learn better interpersonal skills and how to deal with nosy and difficult people.

One way is to stop taking everything so seriously. Develop a sense of humor. Find ways to deflect nosy questions.

[Weezy1973]

Yes you could tell a white lie. Or just say you’d prefer not to discuss your personal life at work, although that might prevent you from developing any friendships at work. 

[elaine567]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

. Develop a sense of humor.

THIS^^^
All the things you quoted are just normal in workplaces but you are super sensitive as these probing questions, banter and jokes always hit a raw nerve with you.
They are not funny, you find them hurtful and humiliating, they are highlighting your weaknesses and failures.
But that is not really the intention.
However when you take things too seriously or seem angry, it does tend to fuel more insults and jokes...
Humour is your friend.
Done well it will defuse these situations and make you more popular and human.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just tell them you're seeing someone. And don't answer further questions about it. 

You're not required to discuss your personal life. 

[stillafool]

I can't believe these women would make fun of your height, how unprofessional.  You are a nice person because I would look at that person and point out their every flaw while laughing.  Can you imagine what would happen to you if made fun of how much one of them weighed?  They wouldn't find that very funny at all and maybe you should try it.

[Shining One]

You need to be quick and sharp with your words.

6 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

1.       I’d set you up with my friend, but you’re just too short for her.

That's okay. If she's like you, she's too wide for me.

6 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

2.       (After saying I spent the weekend learning about the stars) – No wonder you’re still single!

I like to fill my head with knowledge. I'm sorry yours lacks capacity.

6 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

3.       (Male staff member asking other women in front of me) Would you date a guy his height?

Why are you so interested in my love live? I don't swing that way!

6 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

4.       Hey you should join Tinder – I’d swipe right on you so you’d have at least one match.

I'd swipe left on you.

6 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

5.       When was the last time you were able to get a date?

The last time I wanted one.

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Shining One said:

>>When was the last time you were able to get a date?<<

The last time I wanted one.

Frankly I find all the questions/comments intrusive and inappropriate for the workplace and would ignore all of them. 

Seriously, I just wouldn't answer.  Walk away pretending I didn't even here it.  Some questions are not even worthy of a response.

That said, @ Shining, some of your responses were funny!  I especially like the one quoted above. 

Not sure if the average person could be so quick-witted right on the spot, but they were pretty funny, assuming one goes for that type of sarcastic humor.  

Edited October 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ruby Slippers]

Let it go in one ear and out the other. Or deflect it with humor.

I agree it's much better to work at a place where people aren't intrusive like this, and it could be something to work toward. A few years ago I was working this corporate job I didn't like, and some people would pry into all kinds of details of your life. Now that I've switched to the nonprofit humanitarian public service world, I haven't gotten any of that in years. People are respectful, polite, and nice, no nonsense, just lots of fun

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

How do I avoid answering questions about my relationship status at work? What would you say?

Go on YouTube and look up and watch this video "Terri Cole: Why do I freeze?"  She will give you everything you need to know on how to address this.  IMO, this is a form of bullying. If youasked them "those pants look a bit tight--did you check that outfit in the mirror before you left the house?", they'd be highly offended and would probably turn on the manipulation tears with everyone around.

They are being rude and asking invasive questions that you are not obligated to answer. Don't develop a sense of humor--develop your boundaries.

Edited October 9, 2020 by kendahke

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you're an incel who's for some reason being subjected to "13th grade" in your particular workplace. There is no easy answer but QUITE POSSIBLY your next workplace will be a more respectful environment. There are many workplaces where this sort of thing is minimal.

If you have money, you could consider going to a sugar daddy site and asking a girl to meet you at work a few times. (Her being cute would be a nice bonus.) Then, if people ask about if you're dating you could in theory just say "things are going pretty well," smile mysteriously, and leave it at that. If they press for details you pull out the "I'm not the type who discusses personal life at work" excuse as described above. (Plenty of people are like that.)

Consider that a sugar daddy site may be a good way to accomplish some other things too. If you decide to try that, just be sure to stick to what is legal in your area and be careful with your heart around some pretty girl who's potentially a gold digger. Not all of the sugar babies are that by any means, but some of course will be. From what I understand you don't need to be particularly rich - I have read that many women will do platonic dates for $100 + a good meal. Just proceed with caution if you attempt to go that route.

Edited October 9, 2020 by mark clemson

[Woggle]

Go to HR and report them. You know they would do the same if the situation were reversed. Never let them get away with anything a man couldn't get away with.

[mortensorchid]

Yikes.  Working is hilarious nowadays isn't it?  But to solve your problem (and any potential ones in the future), go out and buy yourself a wedding band and wear it.  I would say this to women as well, it says "taken" and "keep away".

As to what you should do with the situation now that you are well in the working environment... Tell a little white lie that you have a gf.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

Go to HR and report them. You know they would do the same if the situation were reversed. Never let them get away with anything a man couldn't get away with.

OP, I agree don't go easy on them because they are women.  Do what they would do and report them.

[basil67]

"I prefer to not discuss my personal life at work"    This will shut the conversation down immediately.    

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

...

How do I avoid answering questions about my relationship status at work? What would you say?

I'd say I really don't like to talk about that aspect of my personal life at work, just too much of a mine field, let alone what HR would think about such conversations. 

If they ask well how do they know if you are available, might say I'm available to work, isn't that enough?

Now if you could document any of these things, you might have a hostile work environment case...comments on your dating status and sexual market value (for want of a better term) are not OK.

[OnlyHonesty]

Either you can remind them that you are only there to work, and not to discuss personal business, or you can use the agree and amplify tactic. I prefer the latter because it is so much fun. When people make a statement, they expect you to try to defend your position and disagree with them. But when you agree, but also go overboard and amplify, they don't know what to do. It's pretty funny...

Ive been single for ages, but I do not agree with pretending to have a gf. Why should I? I prefer being single so do not lie about it.

[snowboy91]

@Shining One I love those retorts!

In that sort of situation I would answer truthfully and firmly. Any sort of relationship status is completely valid and not a reflection of one's worth. If they try to bite at you with such comments then I'd quip back.

If they want to make fun of my relationship status, then theirs should also be fair game. If it's all in good humour, then hey, everyone gets a laugh. If it's upsetting then it's a sensitive topic that should be avoided (and everyone should respect that).

[Caauug]

On 10/9/2020 at 4:10 PM, JasonLevi said:

Then from that moment on, every few weeks, I have to deal with comments from female (and occasionally male) staff. Some examples of random unprovoked comments:

Shyte tests.... They are testing your frame. How strong are you? Can I rattle him with a simple comment? AWALT and they can not help but do it.... Female nature. Use Google to educate yourself. 

 

10 hours ago, OnlyHonesty said:

When people make a statement, they expect you to try to defend your position and disagree with them. But when you agree, but also go overboard and amplify, they don't know what to do. It's pretty funny...

Highly recommended!!! ^^^^^ Defuse...

Or you can right out insult them: " I find enough parasites' at work, I don't need another one at home" This is giving the shyte test right back to them, they will not like it... But it shuts them up..... 

Show your strength, and fire back or defuse. Show weakness and they flock in for the kill, I think you already know that....

[Happy Lemming]

25 minutes ago, Caauug said:

Shyte tests....

 

Yep... women do these "shyte tests" in work environments, but we (as men) better not dare try to do the same or we'll be down at HR so fast it will make our heads spin.  It is indeed a double standard.

For me, when I was questioned about relationship status I usually lied and told them (women of the office) I had a girlfriend (if I wasn't dating someone).  If they persisted about information, I'd lie & tell them I was a "chubby chaser" and preferred 300+ pound women.  Let them think I'm some kind of deviant/freak and thus they never brought the subject up again.

I did work for one small "family owned" company.  The owner's wife was very nosy and kept asking about my dating/marital status, as I think she wanted to fix me up with someone.  I lied and told her I was recently divorced and still healing from the experience.  I  didn't want to tell the owner's wife it was "none of her business" as I really liked this new job and wanted to keep it.

[Versacehottie]

sorry that is happening at work.  I agree, it's unprofessional.  I would cut the personal life conversations off.  Give them the bare minimum.  Why not say you are "dating around"?  It's not a lie and then if they further try to probe, be vague, etc.  It's really none of their business. 

Also I would take the opportunity at a new company, to reset the image that others have of you. "Dating around" could mean you have a lot of dating opportunities but haven't settled on one girl yet because you are having so much fun AND/OR want to find someone special enough to meet your standards to commit to.  If you come in with that attitude, they will fill in the blanks that this is what is going on.  And for that matter, why not fake it til you make it?  That can be the situation!  I know lots of guys who make up in personality for what they lack in height---in fact lots of them blow the guys who only rely on their height away.  A lot of the confidence that tall guys or very personable guys have if from a little self-belief that they build upon because they tell themselves a good story about themselves and then that's how they present themselves in the world, It's like a positive circle of benefits that build upon each other--a bit at a time.  Don't hold limiting beliefs or let others hold you back with the limiting beliefs they hold about you.  

There are people I know in real life or some I see on this site that will say "I am a dating disaster or I have the worst luck dating" and then guess what happens---exactly that!!  Try to get to neutral so you are at least open to possibilities that you can have a good dating life just like the next guy.  If you focus on limitations, then you will be limited.  If you focus on possibilities and openings and strengths, you will have chances.  

Even if you had a gf, I think it's best to be more vague at work about your personal life.  Often people use the information they gather about your personal life against you or to create some type of bias, which they then don't separate from the quality of your work.  I see it all the time, even if someone is relating what should be a "good" story, it comes down to adding a layer of judgement or bias about what you said because now they feel they know you in another way.  Hard to do in informal work environments which is most of them and also with social media but certainly the way to go IMO.

Lastly, you don't need these work people (most of whom are inconsequential in your life in reality) to validate who you are, your prospects in life etc.  Give that to yourself.  Get it internally or with people that actually mean something valuable to you. Good luck

[Azincourt]

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

I’m a guy in his 30s and have not been in a relationship for most of my life, not for lack of trying (but that’s a different story). I usually work in female-dominated environments. I don’t mind it, but what usually happens is that at some point early on, one of the women ask me in front of everyone whether I’m in a relationship. I say no I’m not. Then from that moment on, every few weeks, I have to deal with comments from female (and occasionally male) staff. Some examples of random unprovoked comments:

What precisely are the reasons why you have never been in a romantic relationship if a romantic relationship is what you are looking for?

A dating guru and a psychologist can help you out with situations like anxiety, low self-esteem etc etc.

Hitting the gym hard will make you more physically attractive to women, and it will make your dating life much better than what it is right now.

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

1.       I’d set you up with my friend, but you’re just too short for her.

Plenty of women out there who are in relationships with men who are shorter than the average national height for whatever Nation they are living in. 

In fact, there's quite a big number of short men in mutually satisfying romantic relationships. Someone telling you that she/he'd set you up with a friend of theirs but that they won't because you're too short is pretty crass.

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

2.       (After saying I spent the weekend learning about the stars) – No wonder you’re still single!

Lots and lots of astronomers and Astronauts and astro-physists are married or in romantic relationships. Don't pay attention to people who don't like your hobbies but make it a point to talk negatively about them. I love science fiction novels,  movies, and I'm fascinated by the Ancient Greeks hero-worship of male beauty and perfection. Lots of women either think that I'm gay, or they get weirded out by my fascination for these guys, so things don't work out. I don't care. I just meet other women. That's what you should do. Someone doesn't like what you do? That's fine, go ahead and meet more women and you'll come across women who like you how you are and for what you like.

 

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

3.       (Male staff member asking other women in front of me) Would you date a guy his height?

Yeah, I don't know about that. I've never seen a guy talk negatively about another man's height, other than this one time when a 6'6'' guy called a 5'2'' 23 year old man a hobbit to make him quiet, but that kind of stuff doesn't happen much at all, and I'm scratching my head wondering why would a man ask a woman if she'd date a guy or not because of his height, besides the fact that there are plenty of cads, playboys, casanovas, who don't use money, they're short, and yet that never kept them from dating a lot of women.

 

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

4.       Hey you should join Tinder – I’d swipe right on you so you’d have at least one match.

Lots of men don't get right swipes on tinder. Tinder has a lot more men than it has women, and those women are mostly looking for casual sex, so yeah, when a woman is looking for casual sex she's gonna try going for the hottest man she can find.   I wouldn't date women right now if I was you because of huh, but I'd meet women organically, face to face, if I was you, because women get a different feel off you when they can talk to you face to face.

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

5.       When was the last time you were able to get a date?

I usually handle these comments with some grace and humor, but it’s insulting, tiring and frankly unprofessional. I am now going to start a new job, and it looks likely to be female-dominated again. Please don’t respond with “Ignore them”, “rise above it”, “you shouldn’t care what people think” etc. I’m fully aware of that, but I would like to make it clear that talking about my private life is off limits.

Tell them you're there to work, not to make friends, and that you're not interested in getting to know them better.

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

I expect that someone will ask me whether I’m in a relationship, married etc, and I just want to ignore the question or change the subject. I don’t think it’s any of their business. I can’t imagine going up to a female staff member on her first week and asking if she’s in a relationship – it would result in sexual harassment claim before I could make my morning tea.

How do I avoid answering questions about my relationship status at work? What would you say?

 

 

Tell them that your private life is private and that it's not open to be discussed. Or you can change the subject when people start asking you if you are single, and if they have any sort of emotional intelligence, they'll understand you don't want to talk about it and won't mention it again.

On 10/9/2020 at 9:10 AM, JasonLevi said:

 

 

 

**I once helped a female friend deal with being hit on at work in the financial sector, so I know men in particular sectors can be quite horrible too.

Maybe a change of career is in order?

I've never met a woman working my side-hustle as a construction worker, and you also get the bonus of developing and maintaing a strong, masculine, beautifiul body that also acts to attract women you're attracted to.

[CLS63AMG]

Are short guys still upset about the height thing?  Its called find a girl your height or shorter, there are many of them out there!  Why on earth would you want a girlfriend that towers over you in the first place?

[dispatch3d]

I've had to deal with similar stuff - women basically have a free pass to do whatever they want in the workplace in these scenarios. In all of those comment scenario I would say nothing and walk away. I also wouldn't disclose when I had my last girlfriend etc. "I'm not seeing anyone right now" is all I would answer.

 

There is a double standard in the workplace and there's not much you can do about it. I would never dream of reporting them, but really it is exactly that unacceptable.

[basil67]

Its not double standard.   Rather, this is about how women connect and establish friendships vs how men do the same thing.    It's kind of like if a woman gets frustrated in a male workplace because the talk about sport.  

For women, asking about people's lives is how generally how we women connect....and for the record,  I'm female and I was successfully set up by a woman I worked with  (see - treating men and women the same way). 

However, if one can identify mockery or bullying in the women's words, that's a different story and one for HR.     It also should be noted that we occasionally see some women writing asking how to keep other women from asking about their private lives.   

Edited October 20, 2020 by basil67