Em008 Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Hi Guys and Gals, I am new here as you might have noticed but I just need some advice honestly with my boyfriend for like six months. He has always been pretty hesitant to open up to me and let me get close even with how much time we have been together, ya know? Anyways I finally got him to open up to me last night and I won't lie I was pretty shocked. He expressed that he is so closed off and just nervous because his ex and was pretty abusive to him. He showed me photos of his body just covered in bruises and cuts and even some pretty bad slashes that he had to get stitched up. He said he finally opened up because he got word that his ex is being let out of jail and just wanted to warn me that she might try some things ext. I honestly haven't ever had to deal with this so all of this was pretty shocking and I won't lie I probably reacted really badly and just got upset because he waited to long to open up and tell me all of this and knowing he has such a dangerous ex. And now he isn't answering my texts or phone calls and just closed himself off to me. I want to try and make this right I just haven't ever had to deal with this, with a guy being the abused one I guess I was just pretty ignorant to it in all honesty. Has anyone dealt with this? I just need some advice and how to deal with this and how I guess to move forward with him. Because I do love him and I want this relationship to work.
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 (edited) Don't "deal" with it. 6 mos. Run. First of all you're in a dangerous situation . He has a dangerous past. He may be able to get a restraining order, but being with someone like this puts you in the line of fire. Additionally, he has nothing to offer. He's " closed off" and too damaged. Dating is not about being a social worker. Stop trying to fix him. Be grateful he went no contact. He may get back together with the abuser, unfortunately happens all the time. You need to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. His abuser/ ex con could come after you. Edited October 9, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
Watercolors Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Don't "deal" with it. 6 mos. Run. First of all you're in a dangerous situation . He has a dangerous past. He may be able to get a restraining order, but being with someone like this puts you in the line of fire. Additionally, he has nothing to offer. He's " closed off" and too damaged. Dating is not about being a social worker. Stop trying to fix him. Be grateful he went no contact. He may get back together with the abuser, unfortunately happens all the time. You need to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. His abuser/ ex con could come after you. +1 to everything Wiseman said. I don't think you should plan on moving forward with him as your boyfriend. I think you are safer to break off this entanglement since its only been 6 months, which is not very long. You really could find a more suitable boyfriend who doesn't have this baggage of a violent ex-partner who he's tied to in various ways. That's something I urge you to seriously think about. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 1 hour ago, Em008 said: . And now he isn't answering my texts or phone calls and just closed himself off to me. I want to try and make this right I just haven't ever had to deal with this, with a guy being the abused one I guess I was just pretty ignorant to it in all honesty. Has anyone dealt with this? I just need some advice and how to deal with this and how I guess to move forward with him. Because I do love him and I want this relationship to work. He has to want this too, though. In short, you can't make it right. He doesn't sound like he's the right mental space for a new relationship, unfortunately. If he was this anxious to open up to you and now has retreated again, he's got a lot of inner issues to sort through before he'll be ready for a truly intimate relationship. You two reached the stage where couples generally get closer and he's showing you he isn't ready for that. On the other hand, I have to wonder what exactly you said to him when he told you what had happened. You say you were upset that he hadn't told you but what were the words you used when he finally did?
Calmandfocused Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Op, watch “Abused by my Girlfriend”. It’s a documentary that was filmed in the U.K but it should give you some insight into the level of psychological and emotional effects of violence and abuse towards men. If she was incarcerated her crimes towards him would be pretty horrific! Your man can recover from this, however safety remains paramount. Has he had therapy? Has he got a restraining order towards his ex? Time is also a factor here. How long ago was this? The other posters are correct that you should not have to deal with the magnitude of this situation. Take some time to process this yourself and think about what you want to do. I sense your boyfriend has retracted somewhat because he feels ashamed at his disclosure. Give him a little space before you approach him again. He may open up to you some more.
Wiseman2 Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Why did he lie to you all this time about his sordid past? He doesn't have much integrity and certainly has very poor judgement as far as partners 2
poppyfields Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why did he lie to you all this time about his sordid past? He doesn't have much integrity and certainly has very poor judgement as far as partners Good question! Because he didn't want out of the relationship at that time, would be my best guess. Six months in, he now wants out so tells her his ex just got out of prison for abusing him and may come looking for her? And shows her the pictures to prove it? Which let's face it, he could have gotten anywhere, a bar fight, who knows. Things that make you go hmmm... OP, whether his story is true or not (it may be) move yourself as far away as you can. Any man who would suddenly shut you out, and ghost you like this after six months dating, is not worth your time and definitely not your sympathy. I'm sorry, and good luck moving forward. Edited October 9, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Stalker exs can be big trouble - some would consider that a dealbreaker, sorry.
DarrenB Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 He's probably deliberately closed you off to prevent you from getting caught in the crossfire. You may have feelings for him, and he may have feelings for you but this is of a different magnitude than just another bad experience from a previous relationship. No-one here can tell you what to do, if you're ready to put yourself in a vulnerable position of potentially getting physically and emotionally hurt then proceed. If you're not, it's time to walk away. I'm sorry
balletomane Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why did he lie to you all this time about his sordid past? He doesn't have much integrity and certainly has very poor judgement as far as partners I was in an abusive relationship for two years. Very few people know details even now, and at the time I hid it completely from friends and family. This is very, very common behaviour among abuse survivors. Big reasons are fear and shame - fear that you brought it on yourself and others will blame you for it, and shame at the thought of your other friendships and relationships being tainted by the memory of abuse. Another reason why I found it difficult to talk was because people tend to have a stereotype of what abused women look like, and they don't look like me. As a man, the OP's boyfriend may also be struggling with stereotypes. There is also the constant back-and-forth in your mind where you go from feeling terrified of your abuser to deciding that what happened can't possibly be as bad as you remember, and that it isn't worth talking about. These are very likely to be this man's thought processes. He's not lying as such. I do agree that from the sounds of it he isn't ready for a relationship. I didn't start dating for four years after the abuse and I had therapy to help me in the interim. But some survivors jump headlong into dating as a way to forget and put the past behind them, and the fact they're not psychologically ready for a relationship stops them from seeing how unready they are. It's a catch-22. Edited October 9, 2020 by balletomane 3
poppyfields Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 5 minutes ago, balletomane said: I was in an abusive relationship for two years. Very few people know details even now, and at the time I hid it completely from friends and family. This is very, very common behaviour among abuse survivors. Big reasons are fear and shame - fear that you brought it on yourself and others will blame you for it, and shame at the thought of your other friendships and relationships being tainted by the memory of abuse. Another reason why I found it difficult to talk was because people tend to have a stereotype of what abused women look like, and they don't look like me. As a man, the OP's boyfriend may also be struggling with stereotypes. There is also the constant back-and-forth in your mind where you go from feeling terrified of your abuser to deciding that what happened can't possibly be as bad as you remember, and that it isn't worth talking about. These are very likely to be this man's thought processes. He's not lying as such. I do agree that from the sounds of it he isn't ready for a relationship. I didn't start dating for four years after the abuse and I had therapy to help me in the interim. But some survivors jump headlong into dating as a way to forget and put the past behind them, and the fact they're not psychologically ready for a relationship stops them from seeing how unready they are. It's a catch-22. Great post; I used to work with abuse survivors (women), and what you wrote balletomane is spot on. There's not a lot of support for men sadly. Or understanding. Men are supposed to be strong (physically, mentally, emotionally) so we question. Like I even did earlier, my bad. In any event, I would still distance myself. You can't fix this OP and if he IS wanting out because of this situation or another, let him go. I honestly don't see that you have much choice anyway since he's shut you out. I'm sorry.
smackie9 Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 He's protecting you. He needs to make himself small, low profile to prepare for the ex's release from jail. I wouldn't bother contacting him at this time for your own safety. If it were me I would ditch the idea of continuing this relationship, especially when it may endanger your life, your friends and family. Sounds like a hot mess.
vla1120 Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 The best you can do is text him or leave him a vm msg and let him know how you feel. Tell him you didn't handle the situation the way you would have liked, and you'd like a chance to talk to him. Other than that, depending on how toxic and abusive his ex can be, you really might be better off moving forward without him if her toxicity bleeds over into your relationship with him. That may never go away (especially if they have kids together - hopefully not...)
kendahke Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 (edited) The fact that he lied by omission for 6 months and didn't let you know what his truth was until danger was about to be unleashed from its cage leads me to say you need to be thankful he's vaporized---and you should keep it that way. You clearly don't love him because the him he's revealed to you was a lie. You love what he led you to believe was him. Big difference. On that tip alone, I'd cut him loose. Edited October 9, 2020 by kendahke
ajequals Posted October 9, 2020 Posted October 9, 2020 Go see him. don't text. this requires direct one on one contact.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 You didn't do anything wrong. You SHOULD have had a strong and negative reaction. He didn't prep you for this. Six months is about three months or more too late for him to tell you this. You really need to tell someone about a dangerous ex pretty soon ... not immediately but before six months. You seem to think you were supposed to be all supportive ... Well ... in the long term that might be true. But your immediate focus has to be your own safety. And it's possible that this guy has bad judgment. He waits this long to tell you he was abused ... and now he's not answering calls. That's lame. Probably he is feeling shame right now, but that's not you ... that's him ... and that's a sign that he hasn't really worked through the abuse. Doesn't sound like he's been to therapy, serious therapy, to deal with the consequences of the abuse ... and even to help him figure out how he got trapped in such a relationship and (most likely) didn't tell anyone or reach out for help. The bottom line is your bf is troubled. And yes, it's counterintuitive, but some abused people go back to their abuser. Right now, you need to drop the fantasy that you can help heal or save him and be understanding. HE NEEDS to do that work. Only he can do that work. You could be sympathetic if he were further along the process of getting healed. So, chill ... drop your guilt ... if you calmly reacted to all this--especially the threat--then that would only mean something was wrong with you. Most likely he's embarrassed right now and that's why he's avoiding you. You're probably worried that he is angry with you for your reaction. Most likely he's just embarrassed and he knows he dropped this threat on your late ... and he knows that he's not really dealt with the abuse. Tread very carefully. People need to be functioning at a certain level to be in relationship. Then partners can help them continue on and make further progress. Drop the fantasy of saving him. BTW: his reluctance to open up was a red flag, a sign of trouble that you avoided. So now, you're involved with an emotionally distant and closed guy who has a dangerous gf who's about to come out of jail. Next time you encounter this closed-off thing, stop. Right then and there. 1
Author Em008 Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 I don't think he is lying about any of this, It just isn't who he is and he wouldn't of gotten this emotional over lying about this crap. I just wanna fix it and I am in this for the long haul because I do love him. I asked his older sister and she confirmed everything and was shocked he finally told me she had been pushing on him to open up to me. She did tell me he was seeing a therapist and is on meds for depression and anxiety now. Honestly I am more concerned about his safety then my own at this point. Gonna try and go see him tomorrow and try and talk him with him about some things.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 There is no "fixing" this ... google "fixing people" and see what you come up. Not only guaranteed to fail but guaranteed to end with you feeling pain.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 On 10/10/2020 at 9:03 AM, Em008 said: just wanna fix it and I am in this for the long haul because I do love him. You can't fix it, Em. That has to come from him.
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 On 10/10/2020 at 3:03 AM, Em008 said: . Honestly I am more concerned about his safety then my own at this point. 6 mos of dating is the time to cut your loses. Playing martyr and therapist is detrimental to him and you. He doesn't want you in his life. Don't be like his ex and badger stalk and force him to be with you You need to get yourself in check. This is not altruistic, it's selfish and needy on your part.
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