hooghie Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Ok- long story short. My BF quit a job he hated and I supported him in that decision because I knew he was unahppy even though it meant that he couldn't stay in the area (he's a Canadian who had an H1-B). He moved back to Canada for now and we are tying a LDR which SUCKS btw. Anyway, he is spending some time to study for the GRE's and wants to go to school full time September 2006. Again, I 100% support this decision. Now, he has an AMAZING opportunity with a VERY VERY VERY prestigious company in NY which is only a couple of hours away from me. Well, he basically told me that hte only reason he would take the job would be to be closer to me and he hates the idea of living in NYC (too expensive, hassle of commuting, etc.). He also stated that he really doesn't want the job. I'm having a hard time supporting his decision this time. Given his 'alien' status, it's hard for him to find a job in the states. If he finds a job, it will most likely be for the type of work this company would hire him to do because that is what he is skilled in. Most other jobs in this field are much much much further away. He says it makes more sense for him to work at a grocery store in canada than to take a >100K job in NY because he will save more $ in Canada. I find that ridiculous and I think he should suck it up and take the NY job for many reasons (more $, closer to me, doing something he went to college for, etc.). AND, it's only for 1 year! BUT, I also feel like if I push him in that direction- I'm forcing him to do something he really doesn't want to do and being an unsupportive GF. What do you guys think? Am I being unfair/unsupportive?
HokeyReligions Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 If he hates NY and won't be happy in that job then stand back and be supportive by saying OK. Things change - let him go to school. There will be other jobs and with more education and training he will have more opportunities. If you push him he may end up resenting you for it when the stress and unhappiness of the job get to him. It would be great to be closer to each other, but not if it means that the relationship will end up suffering from it. Where will he go to school? Are you in school? Maybe you can transfer and be closer to him.
Author hooghie Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks Hokey! I'm 100% supportive of hime going to school, but he won't be doing until Sept. 2006 and that is almost a year away! He really has more opportunities in the field he is in now than the field he wants to study, but again, I 100% support him on that as I did the same thing (went from being an engineer to a lawyer and beleive me, I had much more opprtunities as an engineer). I just finished law school in May. I don't have a problem with moving, but finding an entry level job in the state I took the bar in is hard enough right now. It would be really hard for me to move to Canada and practice law. I definitely don't want him to resent which is why I've generally been supportive about all of his decisions- I think if you resent someone for stopping you go towards your goals or make you choose other ones, your relationship with that person is doomed. The problem is, I really think it's a stupid decision. I think working for this particular company would really open doors for him and would be a great way for him to save $ for graduate school even though it may not be his ideal job. It's only for a year! BTW- I haven't really pressured him about it, but he knows it's what I think because of: 1. who the company is. 2. He knows how I think I feel like I'm doomed either way. If he takes the job he will blame me even though I haven't verbally pressured him. If he doesn't take the job, I will think he made a stupid decision and may resent him because I know if I were in his position- I would take it. (yes, I know that is a silly reason)
Outcast Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 What will his costs of living be in NY? Does he have to pay a lot of tax in NY as a Canadian? Is he able to live with his family in Canada? I'm wondering if he might actually be able to save more by staying at home. He may actually harm his reputation in his field if he takes a job for just a year, too. People usually expect a little more of you if they're paying you $100 K
Author hooghie Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks Outcast. Yes, he can live at home which is where he is now, but he won't stay there if he ends up staying in Canada. He can probably rent a room from a friend for almost nothing though- < $500 Canadian. A studio apartment in NY that is decent is >$2000 US from what he is telling me so I do understand his concern. I understand what you are saying about harming his reputation, but he isn't going to stay in that field and ultamately- there are lots of ways around it. I think he would harm is reputation a lot more if he works in a grocery store (just an example) after the level of education and experience he's had. Maybe I'm being completely selfish. I miss him and the distance has really strained our relationship
flamingjune Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 What are his housing preferences? Does he like smaller, charming older neighborhoods with lots of character? Or does he prefer brand new very modern amenities and construction? Does he need the cachet of a hip or fancy neighborhood (where he'll probably pay much more for less space)? Or would he be happy in an up-and-coming neighborhood? A studio in NYC doesn't have to be $2k. A studio for $2k in Manhattan is considered pretty luxurious. Usually though, you'll be paying more for location vs. amenities. And if you have both a popular location and fancy amenities the apt. will cost more. He can definitely get a studio within Manhattan for $1200-1500, and for even less if he's willing to look beyond the confines of Manhattan (within the 5 boroughs), especially outside the "established" neighborhoods. Say, instead of the Upper East Side or the West Village, he could look around the Lower East Side, or Hell's Kitchen, or even Harlem. I found a beautiful floor through in a townhouse that had been completely renovated top to bottom in Harlem, but the commute wasn't convenient for me at the time. Brooklyn has some better deals, or he could look in Hoboken in NJ or Queens, and the commute shouldn't exceed 15 minutes to Manhattan via train. NYC is made up of dozens of neighborhoods, each with their own flavor. He just needs to know where to look, and be flexible with his requirements. I was able to find a brand new, genuine loft conversion within 1 week of intense searching using both the internet and real estate agents. Caveat being, I live out in an industrial wasteland, which I really like. But that's me. Sidenote: rent is sometimes negotiable, depending on your landlord.
Author hooghie Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks! That's really helpful! He would prefer a safe/nice neighborhood over luxorious amenities. Do you know what areas would be within a 30 minute train commute to times square? thanks so much!
flamingjune Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Hi Hooghie, A 30 min. commute in NYC is pretty generous. If he works in Times Square the easiest way is to stick to the West Side so he has access to the ACE and 1239 trains. Although being a major hub, Times Sq. is very accessible so he can pretty much live almost anywhere if he's willing to do transfers. Here's a map: http://citidex.com/map/subway.html?res=800 Keep in mind, a 1 bedroom in Manhattan will likely be equivalent to a studio in Canada in terms of space. West: The area around Columbia Univeristy (West Side low 100's) is not bad, high percentage of students and professors. Hell's Kitchen is very close to Times Sq. -- many years ago used to be sketchy, but more residential and a lot safer these days -- I have a friend that lives on 9th Ave. off 49th St. who pays $1800 for a 600 sf apt. in a walk-up. It's a nice mix of commercial, nightlife, and residential. Chelsea (West Side 20's) is an awesome neighborhood, lots of great little shops and restaurants and a lively nightlife, lots of young urban professionals. Farther south is Battery Park, the buildings are newer and tend to be more high rises than brownstones. I know someone who lives in a 1 br for about $2k, which he converted to a 2 bedroom. Other nice and generally safe neighborhoods (but bound to be expensive) are the West Village and Tribeca. But he might get lucky, you never know. East: The upper East Side is very safe (East 70's-80's) and apartments there are generally cheaper than the West Side across the park. It's also very residential and slightly less exciting than the West Side. Gramercy Park and Murray Hill (Below 42nd St., above 14th St.) are considered very nice, highly residential neighborhoods. Alphabet city (Ave. ABC below 14th St.) is steadily improving, but he might be more comfortable in the Lower East Side. Lower East Side (Around Stanton, Rivington, Ludlow Sts.) - easy access to lots of fun places and nightlife although apartments tend to be walk-ups and smaller. Brooklyn: Brooklyn Heights and Park Slope are considered very safe and nice neighborhoods; I have a friend paying $1500 for a 1 br in Park Slope. Williamsburg is another popular area; it's edgier and has a quirkier demographic. A good search tool is craigslist.org -- e.g., I found a studio in Soho for $1500: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/nfb/103766879.html. Soho is a prime neighborhood, so a studio at that price is about right. He could just do a search for a no-fee or by owner apartment and type in his max budget, say $1500, and he'll have a whole list. Apartments do go quickly, especially if the price is good, so he shouldn't be surprised if an apt. is rented out the same day it's listed.
Author hooghie Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 Thank you so much for the infor Flamingjune! I will forward this to him. He has an interview set up in a couple of weeks. I'm going to try to go with him if I can get out of work so I can see the area as well. I did tell him today that I will 100% support whatever his decision is, but I think he should take the interview (and free trip to NY) and then figure it out from there.
flamingjune Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Good luck! I hope he finds a good job and a good apartment and you can be closer to each other. A man in love will move mountains to be with you. Or that's what I've heard anyway.
Author hooghie Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 Thanks so much Flamingjune! I talked to him for a while today and he is still pretty against the idea and thinks he is better off being in Canada and we can visit every other weekend or so and it wouldn't be that much worse. I disagree, but I guess we'll see. He keeps asking 'if I don't take this will it affect our relationship?' The truth is- I don't know. I DO know that I don't want to be the reason he does or doesn't do something. I'm going through a stressful time myself and will probably have to move back with the folks for a bit until I know where I'll be working permanantly. That is going to be a NIGHTMARE AND we will be even more limited in how much time we spend together. Makes me wonder if an LDR is even worth it
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