TheUsualShenanigans Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 Hi everyone, I'm a lurker now turned poster and I'm afraid I'm going to tell a familiar tale with maybe a slight twist and hopefully someone may be able to offer advice. Met a lovely 40-something woman via online dating in the middle of July. I thought we had a really warm and quite excellent first date (socially distanced walk). There was none of the usual show pony stuff, we just hung together and chatted in depth about anything and everything. We bid each other goodnight and I sent a message immediately on getting home that I really enjoyed meeting her and that she had some dazzling depth to her that was very rare to encounter. I slept on it and then next day said I'd had time to let the first date whirlwind settle down and would love to see her again. Her response was that her gut feeling was that it wasn't a romantic thing but we could be friends. I thought that was the standard sort of brush off and was disappointed and a little confused, considering the fun and warmth of the first date. So I expected nothing ... Yet since then we have messaged every day, I've been to her place, she to mine, several times, we've cooked dinner together multiple times, spent days together hiking, mountain biking and canoeing, and just shared almost every free weekend we've both had. We talked a lot about relationships and them being based on friendship and trust, and she said she wanted to approach dating slowly. She is dating others but has told me that I'm very different and the most interesting guy she's met. I was never sure whether the time we spent together was dating - it felt like we just met up, dropped the dating context, and had a terrific time together. A couple of weeks ago she told me that she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy this year. I have to confess I shed a tear or two on the drive home from that encounter, but held it together during and was supportive towards her and tried to make it as fun a day as could be. We spent last weekend together and I stayed over (on the sofa) and we had a late night of talking but didn't do the 'what are we?' chat.I felt we were on the verge of it, but at the same time we were both a little too drunk to be coherent. I feel there's more to this relationship than friendship but I understand completely why she would want to go really slow on this. I've told her how amazing she is but not told her that I do harbour growing feelings for her, I feel mindful of the friendship not romance statement that came from the first date and want to respect her wishes and this is creating some tension for me. After our last encounter there is some awkwardness. She's pulled back on messaging and we haven't arranged a next meeting. The last time we went our separate ways, we didn't set a date for the next meeting and had the same pull back but when I reached out we managed to contrive the day together at the last minute and both of us cut short our weekends with friends to enable that (and again had a fantastic day). It feels like we want to be with each other but are both nervous. Both had pretty bad prior relationship experiences too. My feeling is that she's had a very traumatic event hit her only recently and shortly after a break up so she is still finding her feet. At the same time I'm getting the impression that me not showing my feelings might make her feel rejected. I've had plenty of time to get to know her and like her a lot and want only the best for her. Any advice on how to proceed ? Keep calm and carry on the friendship ? Let her know that my feelings are developing irrespective of that ? I think I'd prefer to broach the latter and say that we can still be friends even if deeper feelings are not reciprocated - I think I would get over it in time and with rejoining the dating pool. While I think I need to do this before my attachment grows stronger, I think also we have a growing bond that I would hate to arrest.
smackie9 Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 It's emotional attachment not romantic at this time. It's bad timing and don't be a rescuer or it will fall apart. Reach out, give support, but give her space, don't push. She will have plenty of support from friends and family. She doesn't need things to get complicated with "what are we?" stuff. 1
kendahke Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 Quote I slept on it and then next day said I'd had time to let the first date whirlwind settle down and would love to see her again. Her response was that her gut feeling was that it wasn't a romantic thing but we could be friends. She's not going to allow this to develop in the way you want it to or on your time table. If you're good with being a platonic buddy, then be that kind of friend. Right now, she's not checking for you romantically. 2
Author TheUsualShenanigans Posted October 11, 2020 Author Posted October 11, 2020 Thanks for your replies. I have been taking it as a great platonic experience. We are meeting again in a few days and I’ll see how that works out. Actually we’ve both been very quiet since the last meeting and I would not be surprised if that meeting is cancelled.
Maldives Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 (edited) Your a better man than me. As soon as I would of heard the let's be friends bit I wouldn't of bothered. I take what woman say at there word that's been my experience with em what they say they mean. If she didn't feel it at the start sure feelings may grow but it'll be like pushing s*** up a hill Edited October 11, 2020 by Goodguy05 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 (edited) On 10/7/2020 at 10:25 AM, TheUsualShenanigans said: I slept on it and then next day said I'd had time to let the first date whirlwind settle down and would love to see her again. Her response was that her gut feeling was that it wasn't a romantic thing but we could be friends. - this tells the tale. You are grasping at straws. She sees you as just a friend - and probably always will. Quote After our last encounter there is some awkwardness. She's pulled back on messaging and we haven't arranged a next meeting. The last time we went our separate ways, we didn't set a date for the next meeting and had the same pull back but when I reached out we managed to contrive the day together at the last minute and both of us cut short our weekends with friends to enable that (and again had a fantastic day). It feels like we want to be with each other but are both nervous. Both had pretty bad prior relationship experiences too. My feeling is that she's had a very traumatic event hit her only recently and shortly after a break up so she is still finding her feet. At the same time I'm getting the impression that me not showing my feelings might make her feel rejected. - this is called projection - you are misinterpreting your feelings for hers. But her feelings are not your feelings. If you want a girlfriend, I would date others. Some guys have to cut contact with a friend they lust after, in order to focus on new dating opportunities. This sounds like you. After 2 months, if you aren't kissing, you are just wishing. Edited October 12, 2020 by Fletch Lives 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it seems like she not ready to date. She may enjoy your company, and it's sad, but she needs more work with her therapist . She gave you the heads up to avoid the pain of rejection down the road.
Weezy1973 Posted October 12, 2020 Posted October 12, 2020 18 hours ago, TheUsualShenanigans said: I have been taking it as a great platonic experience. So you’re dating other people? Or have you put all your eggs in one basket hoping she changes her mind and wants something romantic with you?
Author TheUsualShenanigans Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: So you’re dating other people? Or have you put all your eggs in one basket hoping she changes her mind and wants something romantic with you? 22 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: - this tells the tale. You are grasping at straws. She sees you as just a friend - and probably always will. - this is called projection - you are misinterpreting your feelings for hers. But her feelings are not your feelings. If you want a girlfriend, I would date others. Some guys have to cut contact with a friend they lust after, in order to focus on new dating opportunities. This sounds like you. After 2 months, if you aren't kissing, you are just wishing. Yes, I've been on other dates in this period and off to dinner tomorrow night on a 4th date. At the start, I took the 'just friends' things literally and got on with life. The friendship developed parallel to that. I like the original reply to me, that there's an emotional but not romantic connection. This puts me in a decent place to honour the friendship and the fond feelings that have come out of it while getting on with finding something that works fully for me. Edited October 13, 2020 by TheUsualShenanigans correction
boymommy Posted October 15, 2020 Posted October 15, 2020 (edited) I was in this type of situation twice after my divorce. I met two very nice men who I had emotional connections/attachments to but for the life of me couldn't figure out why there wasn't a romance there. They were attracted to me but I just really didn't feel it for them for whatever reason. There are some people that believe a romance can bloom over time but for myself I have to either have those feelings right off the bat for someone or to me it's just going to be a friendship, plain and simple. I would not pursue this as a romance and move on to other dating avenues. I think she just views you as a friend but does feel a strong emotional attachment to you. If you feel comfortable keeping her as a friend and never having it evolve into more (without you getting hurt) then go with that; otherwise you may need to detach yourself or pull away completely in order to move on. And thats okay! Edited October 15, 2020 by boymommy
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