Sex w/ a friend while his fiancé on bachelorette getaway

[Starswillshine]

You need to stop romanticizing the night you had together. He has told you he has always cheated. You were just one of many. He is not crazy about you, you were just another play toy to play with. When you get the fantasy out of your mind and take it for what it really was, you may be able to get past these thoughts. You were flattered that a man who has no respect for women wanted to have sex with you? It was disrespectful to you and his now wife. He thought you would be a woman that would have no problem stabbing another in the back, even though he seems to be correct, how is that flattering? Yet, here you are putting so much stock into what he has said. Guys like this lie to get what they want. Im unsure they even know how to tell the truth. Their world is filled with flattering words to get women who do not respect themselves into bed.

[mark clemson]

11 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Since when is cheating and poor boundaries "quirky" and "fun". Isn't it exhausting to perform these mental olympics on a daily basis just to be able to sleep peacefully.

This is no doubt a side point, but actually flirting IS fun (for many folks who enjoy it) and like it or not cheating often starts out fun as well. Otherwise why would people do it at all? I think "mental gymnastics" would be to try to convince yourself something that IS fun isn't.

More sensible and honest with yourself IMO is to acknowledge that flirting IS fun, but to also recognize the potential for harm (with the potential for extreme harm if it escalates to cheating) and so to either not flirt or do it but with strict limits that you stick to in place. If you don't think you can stick to those limits, then don't do it at all.

Trying to get a fat kid to think that ice cream sundae actually tastes bad is the real doublethink IMO.

[Bonifidelifelover]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This is no doubt a side point, but actually flirting IS fun (for many folks who enjoy it) and like it or not cheating often starts out fun as well. Otherwise why would people do it at all? I think "mental gymnastics" would be to try to convince yourself something that IS fun isn't.

More sensible and honest with yourself IMO is to acknowledge that flirting IS fun, but to also recognize the potential for harm (with the potential for extreme harm if it escalates to cheating) and so to either not flirt or do it but with strict limits that you stick to in place. If you don't think you can stick to those limits, then don't do it at all.

Trying to get a fat kid to think that ice cream sundae actually tastes bad is the real doublethink IMO.

I love flirting! Flirting definitely is fun! Always been a flirt! 

[Negotaurus]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This is no doubt a side point, but actually flirting IS fun (for many folks who enjoy it) and like it or not cheating often starts out fun as well. Otherwise why would people do it at all? I think "mental gymnastics" would be to try to convince yourself something that IS fun isn't.

More sensible and honest with yourself IMO is to acknowledge that flirting IS fun, but to also recognize the potential for harm (with the potential for extreme harm if it escalates to cheating) and so to either not flirt or do it but with strict limits that you stick to in place. If you don't think you can stick to those limits, then don't do it at all.

Trying to get a fat kid to think that ice cream sundae actually tastes bad is the real doublethink IMO.

My point was that she is here bantering about it as if he did something dainty and quirky like a first sloppy kiss with a new boyfriend at 16. That’s just delusional thinking. Yes cheating can be “exciting” to those who don’t have enough morals to see otherwise. But, for the lack of a better term, this is just weird. 

Edited October 13, 2020 by Negotaurus

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

My point was

Fair enough, you're of course entitled to your view. I'm not sure what it delusional, although it's true that if the OM is discovered it will turn into a big blowup and no doubt be extremely painful for his wife and probably end this friendship/affair. So that is certainly a fair point if that is what you are thinking.

Edited October 13, 2020 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

Flirting and cheating would not be fun for me, it would be very stressful. I’m not talking about the possibility of being discovered, although that would certainly cause stress. I’m talking about the distress I would feel, doing something that I know to be wrong. That’s not who I am, and that’s not how I treat someone that I love. 

I don’t buy the whole, “flirting is harmless” and “cheating is fun“ argument. Shoplifting is thrilling too - a real rush of adrenaline - it’s still against the law.

I agree that you need to stop romanticizing this relationship OP. This guy, for any other woman, would be the kind of guy you release back into the ocean... who wants a serial cheat as a partner? It seems to me that you like the attention and the fantasy more than anything else...

Edited October 14, 2020 by BaileyB

[RevengeOfTheCuck]

So you've chosen to bury the lie? If so I can't say I'm surprised.

[Bonifidelifelover]

31 minutes ago, RevengeOfTheCuck said:

So you've chosen to bury the lie? If so I can't say I'm surprised.

What’s that mean?

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t buy the whole, “flirting is harmless” and “cheating is fun“ argument. Shoplifting is thrilling too - a real rush of adrenaline - it’s still against the law.

It's not so much an argument as a statement of fact those things can be fun for some people.

Whether flirting is harmless is of course a matter of opinion. It certainly isn't always harmless if your SO/spouse feels upset or threatened or if it leads to cheating. For cheating, I don't think most folks would rationally argue that it's harmless, even if not discovered.

Of course flirting IS completely legal. Like many other things, it might be fun, completely legal, and still potentially harmful. Football widows, video game addiction, drinking to excess, people who run marathons to the detriment of their family life. Really almost anything can be harmful if done to excess. Water toxicity, etc...

If the guys spends every waking moment in his man-cave and the wife feels neglected or if she's out shopping or carousing with friends every night and he does - those things are harmful to a marriage too. Doesn't mean we should ban them. One has to pick one's poisons in life and use them in moderation.

Anyhow, none of my responses to Negotaurus above were arguments to "excuse" what OP did from an ethical standpoint.

[Ruby Slippers]

On 10/7/2020 at 5:35 PM, Happy Lemming said:

Yep!! raising hand behind the cactus...  Cheating rodent over here.

Moreover, all of my guy friends cheated on their wives/girlfriends.

This says more about you and the company you keep than "all men." 

Your comment stuck with me and I started to wonder if it's true that all men cheat. Every man I've been with told me he never cheated and I believed them, as that aligned with other aspects of their character. Since I read your post, I talked to a few male friends of mine, even did a little searching on this forum to see what some of my favorite male posters said about the matter anonymously. 

Research shows that men (and women) fall along a spectrum in terms of inclination toward monogamy. Some people are more naturally monogamous, some aren't, and shades in between.

In conclusion, I think it's definitely true that more men cheat than women are aware of. But no, it's not true that all men cheat.

[pepperbird2]

op,

Given your enjoyment of flirting, do you feel you are cut out for a monogamous relationship? I'm not saying I think you are or aren't, just asking. It might be something you want to think about, now that you will be single again.  There's nothing wrong with that, so long as all the parties involved ( including spouses at home) are in agreement that it's okay.

I know divorce is not what you were hoping for when you got married, but at least you may be able to take some positives away from the experience.

[Bonifidelifelover]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It's not so much an argument as a statement of fact those things can be fun for some people.

Whether flirting is harmless is of course a matter of opinion. It certainly isn't always harmless if your SO/spouse feels upset or threatened or if it leads to cheating. For cheating, I don't think most folks would rationally argue that it's harmless, even if not discovered.

Of course flirting IS completely legal. Like many other things, it might be fun, completely legal, and still potentially harmful. Football widows, video game addiction, drinking to excess, people who run marathons to the detriment of their family life. Really almost anything can be harmful if done to excess. Water toxicity, etc...

If the guys spends every waking moment in his man-cave and the wife feels neglected or if she's out shopping or carousing with friends every night and he does - those things are harmful to a marriage too. Doesn't mean we should ban them. One has to pick one's poisons in life and use them in moderation.

Anyhow, none of my responses to Negotaurus above were arguments to "excuse" what OP did from an ethical standpoint.

*me clapping!!

[Bonifidelifelover]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

Given your enjoyment of flirting, do you feel you are cut out for a monogamous relationship? I'm not saying I think you are or aren't, just asking. It might be something you want to think about, now that you will be single again.  There's nothing wrong with that, so long as all the parties involved ( including spouses at home) are in agreement that it's okay.

I know divorce is not what you were hoping for when you got married, but at least you may be able to take some positives away from the experience.

I wish to eventually find a healthy monogamous relationship. Flirting is in my nature, just like I make everything a joke too. Just who I am. Can’t help it

[Bonifidelifelover]

Some may remember my story...slept w/ long time friend 3 weeks before he married in Vegas whole fiancé was in NOLA for her bachelorette. Anyways, this morning he posted a gushy video on Instagram of them right after they married, captioning the post w/ red hearts saying they wanted to get married “so bad” & God made it happen...... (Meanwhile) ya’ll I’m over here laughing at the post! I regret being with him.If I could take it back I would. It wasn’t all that. But! I still feel sorry for his “now wifey” ! she is thinking she has a great guy. I still debate telling her sometimes. Especially when I see a gushy post such as the one today. I was nosy & looked at her insta & she too posted a couple of wedding posts. Please stop me from telling her! Sometimes I think of waiting til their anniversary to burst the happy bubble but then I’m like nah that’s evil. I need to unfollow him but curiosity got me hooked! 
 

tell her at some point or drop it??? I know she’s trying to get pregnant. 

[jspice]

Their marriage is not your business. You don’t  feel sorry for her. You just hate that they’re happy. Probably because you’re miserable. 
 

[basil67]

Rather than regretting your actions and wanting to tell the wife as an act of contrition, it sounds more like you want to do this for no other reason than to create havoc in their lives.  You need to give yourself a good talking to. 

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

On 10/14/2020 at 3:58 PM, AngelinaCassy said:

I wish to eventually find a healthy monogamous relationship. Flirting is in my nature, just like I make everything a joke too. Just who I am. Can’t help it

If you can't help it, then you need to get some help to find out why you believe you can't. Your posts sound as if they're written by someone who is very immature and insecure.

6 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

Please stop me from telling her! Sometimes I think of waiting til their anniversary to burst the happy bubble but then I’m like nah that’s evil. I need to unfollow him but curiosity got me hooked! 
 

tell her at some point or drop it??? I know she’s trying to get pregnant. 

You're the only one who can stop you from telling. That's very concerning because in the post quoted above this one you say you can't help yourself from flirting. You seem to have very little impulse control.

And yes, your thinking is evil. Not saying telling her is evil. But, from you, given your admission as to how your mind is working, it is evil.

Again, you sound very immature. How old are you?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

You're only thinking of telling her because you're feeling used and rejected. And, just like acting on your impulse to sleep with him was a bad idea, as you're now realizing, telling her will be another bad idea.

What you're looking for in telling her is a little validation, to regain a sense of power because you feel powerless for how all turned out. No doubt you feel discarded and devalued, especially after seeing him confirm his happiness with her. You told yourself that he slept with you because she didn't mean that much to him. Lo and behold you now discover that belief was far from truth. Now you are faced with realizing that it was you who meant little for him. 

Just like you put yourself in a position to be used by sleeping with him, you continue to put yourself in a position to be hurt by following his social media. The truth is you are following it for validation that perhaps he's thought of you recently, or that their relationship isn't so great. When you don't get the validation you seek by checking on him, you hurt yourself more. 

The solution is to take your focus off him and put it back on yourself. Forgive yourself for letting yourself be used, and then work on learning how to validate yourself. 

[elaine567]

I get that telling the wife is an act out of feeling peeved and  no doubt a little upset that all is so lovely in their garden, whilst you know what her now husband is capable of, and she has been fooled and lied to.
She is now going to invest very deeply in this man by trying to have his child and I am not sure if it entirely fair that she does that unknowingly.
Maybe better she finds out now, than wait till he cheats on her when she has a toddler and another on the way...
Now, she can rebuild her life, then, she will be stuck with a cheating man and his kids...
Women moan about men cheating on them, but women allow men to cheat, they decide to sleep with cheating men and then they hide the truth from other women...
The secrecy, that is upheld and maintained by women, allows men to cheat with impunity most of he time...

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

, this morning he posted a gushy video on Instagram of them right after they married, captioning the post w/ red hearts saying they wanted to get married “so bad” & God made it happen.... 

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

That way you don't have to keep looking at how happy they are and how he just used you for sex and dumped you.

It would also help you move forward and find your own single men to date 

It's sad you're sitting alone unknown and voyeurising their happy life together.

 

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I get that telling the wife is an act out of feeling peeved and  no doubt a little upset that all is so lovely in their garden, whilst you know what her now husband is capable of, and she has been fooled and lied to.
She is now going to invest very deeply in this man by trying to have his child and I am not sure if it entirely fair that she does that unknowingly.
Maybe better she finds out now, than wait till he cheats on her when she has a toddler and another on the way...
Now, she can rebuild her life, then, she will be stuck with a cheating man and his kids...
Women moan about men cheating on them, but women allow men to cheat, they decide to sleep with cheating men and then they hide the truth from other women...
The secrecy, that is upheld and maintained by women, allows men to cheat with impunity most of he time...

You make some good points, Elaine. IMO, this is a tough one because it seems to me it would be good for the wife to know but otoh the OP's motivation seems so cruel. Still, many would like to know even if told by a person with cruel motivation. Then, too, the H would probably convince the wife that he'd never do such a thing again now that they are married. Am on the fence about this one.

[princessaurora]

You have to consider the fact that even if you tell her, it may not change a thing between them. It happened on her bachelorette weekend, so he'll probably just say you're lying or he wanted one last fling before he was married and all will be forgiven. Believe me, this woman got the man she's been with for 10 years to marry and commit to starting a family with her. I doubt she's  going to let you pi$$ in her fruit loops and shatter her dream.  Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for people to sleep with others during bachelor/bachelorette parties. It's a disgusting ritual I don't support, but I've seen it happen several times. So even if you present her with proof, he'll grovel his way out of it by using that as an excuse. 

 Cheating is an awful thing to do, but when it happens before you walk down the aisle as opposed to after  you've stood before a priest or officiant and made that commitment to be faithful, for life,  it's a whole different ballgame. 

I believe you want to tell her out of hurt as well. But when you do, I suspect she'll be upset, but will sweep it under the rug fairly quickly since he married her and not you. Then where does that leave you? They're still married and he cuts off all ties with you since you betrayed his trust and tried to create chaos in his marriage. 

You claim you want to keep him as a friend. You tell her and I can promise you that will not be happening.  Of course, that may be for the best, because then you will move on much faster when he leaves no choice. 

[mark clemson]

Do you have your own BF?  I suspect that once you do there will be less interest in what is going on in their lives.

Unless you already do and there WAS less interest until these posts with all the BS being spouted triggered you. My guess is no, however.

Anyhow, I think at least in part you feel a sense of power from the "ability" to do this which is why you seem to be fantasizing about it. If you can feel more empowered in your own life in other ways, this interest is likely to fade. A love interest should help.

The sense of empowerment of revealing may feel good, but the let down when it blows over isn't likely to. You'll still be in the same place mentally/emotionally and otherwise that you are now.

Or, if it goes the other way and they divorce, etc, the guilt you may feel at "blowing up their lives" may feel a lot worse that whatever is driving your impulse. And of course you can't unring that bell.

You slept with him and there was something between you. It's your little secret that you get to know about. Sometimes it makes more sense to leave well enough alone.

[Bonifidelifelover]

10 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

You're only thinking of telling her because you're feeling used and rejected. And, just like acting on your impulse to sleep with him was a bad idea, as you're now realizing, telling her will be another bad idea.

What you're looking for in telling her is a little validation, to regain a sense of power because you feel powerless for how all turned out. No doubt you feel discarded and devalued, especially after seeing him confirm his happiness with her. You told yourself that he slept with you because she didn't mean that much to him. Lo and behold you now discover that belief was far from truth. Now you are faced with realizing that it was you who meant little for him. 

Just like you put yourself in a position to be used by sleeping with him, you continue to put yourself in a position to be hurt by following his social media. The truth is you are following it for validation that perhaps he's thought of you recently, or that their relationship isn't so great. When you don't get the validation you seek by checking on him, you hurt yourself more. 

The solution is to take your focus off him and put it back on yourself. Forgive yourself for letting yourself be used, and then work on learning how to validate yourself. 

I love ur reply! Makes sense out of all that replied. I feel the others got it wrong but feel ur spot on thanks! I need tO unfollow him 

[Bonifidelifelover]

7 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Do you have your own BF?  I suspect that once you do there will be less interest in what is going on in their lives.

Unless you already do and there WAS less interest until these posts with all the BS being spouted triggered you. My guess is no, however.

Anyhow, I think at least in part you feel a sense of power from the "ability" to do this which is why you seem to be fantasizing about it. If you can feel more empowered in your own life in other ways, this interest is likely to fade. A love interest should help.

The sense of empowerment of revealing may feel good, but the let down when it blows over isn't likely to. You'll still be in the same place mentally/emotionally and otherwise that you are now.

Or, if it goes the other way and they divorce, etc, the guilt you may feel at "blowing up their lives" may feel a lot worse that whatever is driving your impulse. And of course you can't unring that bell.

You slept with him and there was something between you. It's your little secret that you get to know about. Sometimes it makes more sense to leave well enough alone.

Thank u mark! Once again great advice/ perspective