Thoughts running away about a stranger

[Starry_eyed]

Hey peeps!

Okay so I am an imperfect being and I thought I would share on here. I'm 31 and wonder if any mature minded users can relate or provide helpful comments. I've never really understood men so male perspectives on dating are welcome.

Context: I've been on one date a few weeks ago after 12+ months of zero dating by choice, took a break, focused on other things, went travelling around South America. I've not been using dating apps really but occasionally open them.

A cute guy on Tinder superliked me last week or thereabouts. I find him very attractive and rarely someone really captivates my attention like that, from the instant. This feeling has only happened once on a dating app before and I ended up dating that guy for a bit. Maybe it sounds wishy washy but sometimes I just get a feeling. Have any guys on here ever had something like that?

I put off matching with this guy because I'm not feeling like I'm in a great career situation right now, not looking my best and living with my Mum. After thinking about it I wouldn't judge others as harshly as I am judging myself. If he does judge me for those things then I wouldn't want to date someone like that. I decided 'what do I have to lose?' and we started chatting. FYI, on my profile I've written I'm looking for someone emotionally available.

We started talking yesterday, I thought I recognised his face from somewhere and he said we could explore it over a drink that evening. I told him I can't and offered a video call but he said he would prefer to meet in person. Fair enough. Conversation was good but I spend too much time drafting replies. Dating feels a minefield to me sometimes, striking the balance of flirty, friendly, funny, intelligent etc. Probably something I overthink especially if I really fancy someone.

I'm battling with fantasising and trying to not let my thoughts run away. Does anyone else struggle with this? I try to distract myself however I looked at a picture of me today and found myself thinking for a second what he would look like stood next to me in the picture or daydreaming about seeing eachother for the first time or making out with him in real life...I do not normally daydream about a guy to this extent, who I've known for 2 seconds. What the flip is going on?! I hadn't replied to his message last night and he messaged me this morning wishing me a nice day which was sweet and makes me fancy him a little bit more. I guessed he sent it because he will be busy today (he hasn't messaged), maybe he's on a date, who knows. He is really cute, he has a very good job, seems so nice and there are some commonalities.

I have multiple thoughts and questions; if he is the real deal should I get straight in there and ask if he's free on Sunday for a couple of hours or is that a bit much because some people don't do first meets on weekends and he is a director in finance industry who probably values his weekend time quite a lot. What if he rejects my offer? How could I ask it? What if he thinks I look less attractive than my pics? I've been told I look better in person by guys in the past but lockdown has gifted me a couple of kilos. What if he sees I've bitten my nails slightly from recent stressors and finds me unattractive for that? These thoughts concern me a little because I recognise they're focused on him, maybe i won't like him. I would not normally get caught up on such things.

I have no idea why I'm sharing this, perhaps logging it might resonate with others and they have some interesting thoughts to contribute and help me 'recentre'. I have to keep reminding myself he is not the only man in the world who I will be attracted to. I've been single for 3+ years and not the type to feel like I need a boyfriend. I'm in a healthy place where I would now like to meet someone but being single is okay until that time comes.

No harsh judgement, pleaaase!

Edited October 6, 2020 by Starry_eyed

[central]

Just ask him to meet whenever works for you, and if it doesn't work for him, ask when would.  If he's interested, he'll make sure you find a mutually agreeable time.

[Mystery4u]

2 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

 I have to keep reminding myself he is not the only man in the world and there are others.

You need to keep reminding yourself this over, and over, and over again.

You are way overthinking everything and are putting way too much credit on what he might think of you. Dating is not that complicated. Arrange a date to meet and just be yourself. Remember you are the prize here.

If you meet someone and you are yourself and for whatever reason they don't like that, then you simply move on because as you stated, there are plenty of others who will appreciate you for you. That's who you need to find.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, we all have had strong reactions to people's pictures and faces ... or people on the street or people we meet for the first time ... And 99.99 percent of the time, that feeling means nothing. Just means something about this person just hit your attraction bone on that day. Doesn't mean you have anything in common. Doesn't mean they'll look as good the next time you see them ... and on and on.

First step ... forget this guy for now ... your first step is to deal with this:

I put off matching with this guy because I'm not feeling like I'm in a great career situation right now, not looking my best and living with my Mum.

I don't mean you have to leave mom and get a promotion. I mean, you gotta feel like you are a catch and you gotta feel comfortable about how you got to the place you are now and comfortable that you have goals so that when you do meet with someone, you're not apologizing and hiding and feeling inferior. You need to practice describing your life with confidence ... because insecurity is so easy to pick up and when we're insecure, we put up with people who aren't good for us and do a thousand other bad things in relationship. Identify some goals and identify your strengths, traits about yourself you are proud of. 

[Wiseman2]

Just meet new people for a quick coffee asap. Don't get carried away. If the coffee meet is ok consider a second date, if not, move on.

Do not  meet for drinks or at night if you are this anxious about dating.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

I hadn't replied to his message last night and he messaged me this morning wishing me a nice day which was sweet and makes me fancy him a little bit more. I guessed he sent it because he will be busy today (he hasn't messaged), maybe he's on a date, who knows. He is really cute, he has a very good job, seems so nice and there are some commonalities.

Have you replied to this? 

He essentially already did suggest you two meet when he declined to have a video-call but to meet in person instead, so how did you respond to that?

I think your insecurities are getting the better of you because you haven't dated for a little while. Take a deep breath. Remember that we tend to be our own worst critics magnify our own perceived flaws, which others may not even notice. 

[Starry_eyed]

@central so this morning I asked him if he could do Sunday and now I'm wondering if that is a bit far away but oh well. It's done now!

@Mystery4u thanks, this was my mentality when I dated before going travelling (I was in full time work and renting my own place). I think I probably am feeling a little insecure like @Lotsgoingon mentioned. I do deep down know I am 'a catch' but it all happened so quickly- covid cut my travel plans short and suddenly I was back home living with my Mum and unemployed. I am now freelancing but I'm basically overqualified for what I'm working on. I'm grateful to have income during these times but sometimes it feels like I've gone backwards life- and career-wise, and I have to remind myself it is temporary and doesn't define me. It didn't help that I met another 'successful' guy a few weeks ago and he wasn't interested to meet again. I'm determined to push through these insecurities though and not let them stop me meeting a potential partner. I do think I should be proud of myself for adapting during these challenging times. I have an interview for a great opportunity lined up too, next week.

@ExpatInItaly yeah that's probably partly it. I wished him a good day too and said a few things but didn't ask him any questions. He messaged me at 9pm and asked how my day was. This morning I replied with some other chit chat and asked him if he is free to get a coffee or drink somewhere on Sunday. In retrospect I'm not sure asking so far away was a good call, I don't want him to think I'm not that interested, but I've said it now so no point stressing about it.

Once I make an effort to dress nicely, do my nails and makeup I think I will feel like a 'catch' When he said he would prefer face to face I started speaking about something else! Oops. Well I've asked him this morning so let's see. No reply yet.

 

Thanks for all your thoughts, they're helpful

[TheCharm]

For my experience dating apps leads to no relationships, just sex, so please do not have high expectations or else you will get hurt badyl! But in general with dates this is the "rule", especially on dating apps! I've dated women 100 or 200 from apps (not kidding).

If you go on a date should not be a minefield but fun! You should be relax and do whatever you feel, the guy already likes you, and you know why? Because he already accepted to date you! Also I don't think you are extremely ugly or crazy 

I think you are fantasizing too much for a guy met in app and which you did not hangout with yet. You should create yourself a number of datings per week and choose from there!

You are thinking to much lady  just ask him to hang out and if he can/want he will, if not okay too. Next guy!

[Starry_eyed]

1 hour ago, TheCharm said:

For my experience dating apps leads to no relationships, just sex, so please do not have high expectations or else you will get hurt badyl! But in general with dates this is the "rule", especially on dating apps! I've dated women 100 or 200 from apps (not kidding).

If you go on a date should not be a minefield but fun! You should be relax and do whatever you feel, the guy already likes you, and you know why? Because he already accepted to date you! Also I don't think you are extremely ugly or crazy 

I think you are fantasizing too much for a guy met in app and which you did not hangout with yet. You should create yourself a number of datings per week and choose from there!

You are thinking to much lady  just ask him to hang out and if he can/want he will, if not okay too. Next guy!

Yeah, I hear about people who found love on there but I think they got lucky.

I thought about dating other men but I've dated so much in the past and I don't want to do that again. I lined up 3 dates, 3 days in a row once and I hated it. I started confusing conversations, it was a mess it just felt unproductive because I wasn't getting to know any of them properly. That probably does put me in a vulnerable position if the guy is dating multiple people but I just can't force it.

He came back to me and said he would love to meet but is away this weekend. He suggested Monday so let's see what happens

[Starry_eyed]

So update - interview prep is taking more out of me than I expected, 3 stages over 3 days next week! Going to be too hectic to make the date on Monday. I sent him a message a few hours ago to let him know the situation and apologised, asking if he can do Monday 19th, have a family thing weekend before. Seems so far away. I have to prioritise my freelance deadlines and interviews. No reply even though the conversation was going well last 6 days or so, I won't take it to heart if I hear nothing back. Not the end of the world but it feels a little sad. Time to focus on crazy week ahead.

Edited October 10, 2020 by Starry_eyed

[Versacehottie]

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be in "perfect" place which is causing some of the overthinking.  And then even more pressure because you've allotted him some special meaning.  Maybe you should dial yourself up a bit more and dial him down a bit more.  You don't really know him so don't put him on a pedestal (especially based on looks and an app profile and not having met!).  Also for yourself, life is fluid so it will be rare that you ever feel in the "perfect" place to meet someone.  If things are going well (like with your job opportunities now), even a "good" place will feel hectic.  If you are feeling "less than" your perfect self, you will put it off or postpone. 

My advice would be to actively get yourself in a place where you investing in yourself.  If you are doing your best toward your look, your outlook, inner health, you will be in as much of a state of "readiness" that you can be.  Also by not putting attention to self off until these perfect moments, you will appreciate yourself more.  It's a good cycle that feeds off itself. Also when you are dedicating yourself to how you feel and look and doing your best, outside attention usually follows--both due to the way you are looking and the way your carry yourself.  I think it's easy to want to compartmentalize but it can hurt your overall opportunities for the things that mean the most to you & cause a feeling of regret---also possibly a bad cycle where it erodes your confidence.  You want your level of maintenance to be closer to your ideal without demanding perfection of yourself if that makes sense. 

I missed the part where you are gonna run off with the guy lol but yeah probably not a good idea until you know more! good luck!!  Go on a date? yes absolutely, there is no time like the present  Good luck

[Starry_eyed]

On 10/11/2020 at 12:13 AM, Versacehottie said:

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be in "perfect" place which is causing some of the overthinking.  And then even more pressure because you've allotted him some special meaning.  Maybe you should dial yourself up a bit more and dial him down a bit more.  You don't really know him so don't put him on a pedestal (especially based on looks and an app profile and not having met!).  Also for yourself, life is fluid so it will be rare that you ever feel in the "perfect" place to meet someone.  If things are going well (like with your job opportunities now), even a "good" place will feel hectic.  If you are feeling "less than" your perfect self, you will put it off or postpone. 

My advice would be to actively get yourself in a place where you investing in yourself.  If you are doing your best toward your look, your outlook, inner health, you will be in as much of a state of "readiness" that you can be.  Also by not putting attention to self off until these perfect moments, you will appreciate yourself more.  It's a good cycle that feeds off itself. Also when you are dedicating yourself to how you feel and look and doing your best, outside attention usually follows--both due to the way you are looking and the way your carry yourself.  I think it's easy to want to compartmentalize but it can hurt your overall opportunities for the things that mean the most to you & cause a feeling of regret---also possibly a bad cycle where it erodes your confidence.  You want your level of maintenance to be closer to your ideal without demanding perfection of yourself if that makes sense. 

I missed the part where you are gonna run off with the guy lol but yeah probably not a good idea until you know more! good luck!!  Go on a date? yes absolutely, there is no time like the present  Good luck

Thanks @Versacehottie the pedestal thing is true, I think it is from fantasising too much. Something interesting I have observed is that my emotions seem to have normalised a little since I got my last interview out the way...perhaps the more extreme fixation on him was partly an escape from other stressors. Didn't get the job but I'm really pleased to have experienced the opportunity and learnt a lot.

I'm supposed to be seeing him on Monday but lockdown restrictions are coming in so let's see if that happens. He came back to me on Monday night and was really nice about it, wishing me well with my interview. He also said his week ended up being busy too. I said I would speak to him towards the end of the week and messaged him for the first time today. He normally messages in the evening but today he hasn't come back to me. I hope he hasn't lost interest but if he has it's not such a bad thing as I can focus on some internal work without distractions

[Starry_eyed]

So I have completed the interviews (woooo! ) and after telling him on Tuesday I would talk to him later this week, after interviews were done, I messaged him on Thursday evening. I feel like the messaging response times have become more delayed mainly on his side. We are supposed to be meeting tomorrow. He messaged yesterday afternoon and I didn't reply until 6pm today because I had a family weekend which I mentioned to him last weekend. Hence why we are supposed to be meeting tomorrow, not this weekend.

This eve I message him asking if we are still on for tomorrow (we agreed it earlier this week) and I've had nothing from him yet. Whatever the reason for not hearing from him yet, I'm not sure how I feel about the fact he has not messaged me about it. Does anyone think this is flakey or I should give him a chance if he comes back to me tomorrow? We haven't shared mobile numbers, conversation has been on tinder app.

If we don't meet I'm alright with that but it bothers me if I'm having my time wasted by someone who is potentially flakey or unreliable. What do you guys think about this behaviour? Not sure at this moment what my boundaries should be for this, in terms of behaviour I'm willing and not willing to accept. This behaviour is not sitting well with me but I don't want to make quick assumptions. Would welcome your thoughts!

[Versacehottie]

While it sounds like he might be fading or losing interest, your behavior to him might appear the same way.  While totally understandable, given what you were dealing with, the tendency to compartmentalize life, especially if the timing makes it right when you have/or should be having new dating momentum, can mess that initial dating period up... I'm guessing in part that is what is happening.  If he doesn't think you are keen, he's not going to be as keen.   While I get your family weekend thing, the impression it would maybe give to someone who doesn't know you or doesn't understand that in a 24 hour period you wouldn't be able to respond to him, it might be off-putting to him. 

Here's my suggestion: you know how when two people have no real animosity toward each other but there may have been a misunderstanding---yeah, I would chalk this up to that and allow some reset.  If I remember right, it's only been one date so far, so you don't "owe" each other much.  Much like a potential employer may reschedule interviews several times, you allow some leeway, because you don't really know the reasons behind it.  I think it's a mistake to feel super butt hurt about this. Have fun and see if you can resurrect things, not by trying too hard or being dependent on the outcome, just go with the flow.  If he takes an extraordinary time to get back to you, then you would lose respect for that person and become occupied with other priorities in life.  But a little leeway for misunderstanding is a good thing. I mean, after all, you had your reasons why you were not available.  Some guys, I think really take matching time frames or one upping (in a like a competitive way) to the extreme.  You take 10 minutes to reply, they will take 20 (like to the minute haha).  I don't know if I would view it as a red flag, just a sign that trust needs to be built and guys don't have an easy time being vulnerable.  Plus the very real thing that you each have your own lives and priorities at this point. If with was VERY clear that it was a confirmed date, well yeah, perhaps that's him flaking and then I wouldn't waste time being mad about it and hanging in there--I would just stop dating him.  Good luck

[Starry_eyed]

11 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

While it sounds like he might be fading or losing interest, your behavior to him might appear the same way.  While totally understandable, given what you were dealing with, the tendency to compartmentalize life, especially if the timing makes it right when you have/or should be having new dating momentum, can mess that initial dating period up... I'm guessing in part that is what is happening.  If he doesn't think you are keen, he's not going to be as keen.   While I get your family weekend thing, the impression it would maybe give to someone who doesn't know you or doesn't understand that in a 24 hour period you wouldn't be able to respond to him, it might be off-putting to him. 

Here's my suggestion: you know how when two people have no real animosity toward each other but there may have been a misunderstanding---yeah, I would chalk this up to that and allow some reset.  If I remember right, it's only been one date so far, so you don't "owe" each other much.  Much like a potential employer may reschedule interviews several times, you allow some leeway, because you don't really know the reasons behind it.  I think it's a mistake to feel super butt hurt about this. Have fun and see if you can resurrect things, not by trying too hard or being dependent on the outcome, just go with the flow.  If he takes an extraordinary time to get back to you, then you would lose respect for that person and become occupied with other priorities in life.  But a little leeway for misunderstanding is a good thing. I mean, after all, you had your reasons why you were not available.  Some guys, I think really take matching time frames or one upping (in a like a competitive way) to the extreme.  You take 10 minutes to reply, they will take 20 (like to the minute haha).  I don't know if I would view it as a red flag, just a sign that trust needs to be built and guys don't have an easy time being vulnerable.  Plus the very real thing that you each have your own lives and priorities at this point. If with was VERY clear that it was a confirmed date, well yeah, perhaps that's him flaking and then I wouldn't waste time being mad about it and hanging in there--I would just stop dating him.  Good luck

Thanks @Versacehottie, we've never met before! The first time we had to postpone because of my interview.

That's a valid point about me potentially not  coming across keen but on the other hand we confirmed the date and even if he is no longer keen, he should cancel the date and not leave me wondering if we are meeting or not still. I need to plan my day tomorrow differently depending on if we are meeting or not so it's an inconvenience. I can try and go with the flow tomorrow and see what he says, if he says anything, but my gut is tell me that his head is somewhere else, whether that's with a girl or whatever, I don't know, but he's definitely not as present as before.

Edited October 18, 2020 by Starry_eyed

[Versacehottie]

17 minutes ago, Starry_eyed said:

Thanks @Versacehottie, we've never met before! The first time we had to postpone because of my interview.

That's a valid point about me potentially not  coming across keen but on the other hand we confirmed the date and even if he is no longer keen, he should cancel the date and not leave me wondering if we are meeting or not still. I need to plan my day tomorrow differently depending on if we are meeting or not so it's an inconvenience. I can try and go with the flow tomorrow and see what he says, if he says anything, but my gut is tell me that his head is somewhere else, whether that's with a girl or whatever, I don't know, but he's definitely not as present as before.

Oh sorry, I knew it was very few dates, thought it was one but it's coming back that it hasn't even happened yet.  Well see on his end, he doesn't know you and you postponed the first one (lots of guys completely call b.s. after that point) and then you were out of touch for a full 24 hours to his text because you had family plans...in his defense, while texting wouldn't have been able to go on and on (and shouldn't IMO) but you could have at least taken 2-3 minutes to reply.  Idk, it's a little rigid to expect him to remember that you had family plans--unless you said it in that texting exchange.  This is not permission for him to be flakey just seeing how it might be perceived from someone that is not you.  

Ok, if his head is not as present, that's ok.  If you don't want to date him, don't feel he's worthy, don't date him.  I think it's reasonable to assume people on apps are getting dates and have interest in others--hence the speed to meet up and keep momentum going.  If you forgo that, you risk that he will be interested in someone else. That said, I don't think there is a benefit in being overeager or desperate, you still have a life. You just have to realize that people go about fitting someone new into their lives in a variety of ways.  To only accept one way (especially if you are not actually doing the same yourself, ie you had work interview priorities instead of him), you can't expect everything up front .  Just saying that being able to ride out the beginning uncertainty will often help.

My suggestion by the way, is NOT to leave tomorrow open for him.  Ok, if it totally fits into your day and you're a spontaneous person, then fine.  Otherwise even if you do have time, just be real that you didn't hear from him so didn't think you were still on and have other plans now tomorrow.  I don't even care if they are as trivial as washing your laundry.  You have to value your time and not get resentful while still playing the game (and i don't mean manipulating).  Anyway, then immediately work with him to make a plan (if you still want to go out with him). If you don't then don't.  If you are in between, then wait to see how you feel (though I think you should give "something" concrete--if only to keep the chance in play--you can pull out at the last minute yourself if your feelings change.  Here's the other thing: i think you may have been counting on too much "courtship" and continued texting from the time you matched.  While guys might be willing to do it up until a date is scheduled, now it's gotten flakey and inconsistent without a payoff on both ends.   People get so burnt out and cynical from apps, that the leeway percentage is usually low. I would encourage you not to get resentful or judgmental or butt hurt, just see if his next offer fits into your life and be easy to work with--provided you want to go out with him.  If you don't, it's beyond easy--stop replying.  

There are two benefits to this.  Everything you are learning about a person is knowledge.  So if you think from this he's a flake or not consistent and see no inconsistency from your end that would have clouded the matter, then you've learned something important and buh bye.  Also you get a chance to TEACH someone how to treat you in this almost first moment.  There's an element to app dating that is like ordering from postmates or something where you are pissed that your "order" is not what you wanted and not on time--well WTF would you still eat it?  Lol.  He's person and you are a person.  Going to be more nuanced than this.  I think it's in large part that the element that makes app dating like online ordering makes people really upset if things don't go as they wanted.  If you knew this guy through friends, probably each of you would be slightly more careful and treat each other like real people with less chance for misunderstanding and more leeway (not a pass but space FOR understanding).  It's simple though if it bugs you so much that you don't want to date him, throw him back! If you are grey area or still wanting to date him, work with him a little to gather up more information about who he is WITHOUT making yourself less of a priority.  Good luck

[Starry_eyed]

15 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Oh sorry, I knew it was very few dates, thought it was one but it's coming back that it hasn't even happened yet.  Well see on his end, he doesn't know you and you postponed the first one (lots of guys completely call b.s. after that point) and then you were out of touch for a full 24 hours to his text because you had family plans...in his defense, while texting wouldn't have been able to go on and on (and shouldn't IMO) but you could have at least taken 2-3 minutes to reply.  Idk, it's a little rigid to expect him to remember that you had family plans--unless you said it in that texting exchange.  This is not permission for him to be flakey just seeing how it might be perceived from someone that is not you.  

Ok, if his head is not as present, that's ok.  If you don't want to date him, don't feel he's worthy, don't date him.  I think it's reasonable to assume people on apps are getting dates and have interest in others--hence the speed to meet up and keep momentum going.  If you forgo that, you risk that he will be interested in someone else. That said, I don't think there is a benefit in being overeager or desperate, you still have a life. You just have to realize that people go about fitting someone new into their lives in a variety of ways.  To only accept one way (especially if you are not actually doing the same yourself, ie you had work interview priorities instead of him), you can't expect everything up front .  Just saying that being able to ride out the beginning uncertainty will often help.

My suggestion by the way, is NOT to leave tomorrow open for him.  Ok, if it totally fits into your day and you're a spontaneous person, then fine.  Otherwise even if you do have time, just be real that you didn't hear from him so didn't think you were still on and have other plans now tomorrow.  I don't even care if they are as trivial as washing your laundry.  You have to value your time and not get resentful while still playing the game (and i don't mean manipulating).  Anyway, then immediately work with him to make a plan (if you still want to go out with him). If you don't then don't.  If you are in between, then wait to see how you feel (though I think you should give "something" concrete--if only to keep the chance in play--you can pull out at the last minute yourself if your feelings change.  Here's the other thing: i think you may have been counting on too much "courtship" and continued texting from the time you matched.  While guys might be willing to do it up until a date is scheduled, now it's gotten flakey and inconsistent without a payoff on both ends.   People get so burnt out and cynical from apps, that the leeway percentage is usually low. I would encourage you not to get resentful or judgmental or butt hurt, just see if his next offer fits into your life and be easy to work with--provided you want to go out with him.  If you don't, it's beyond easy--stop replying.  

There are two benefits to this.  Everything you are learning about a person is knowledge.  So if you think from this he's a flake or not consistent and see no inconsistency from your end that would have clouded the matter, then you've learned something important and buh bye.  Also you get a chance to TEACH someone how to treat you in this almost first moment.  There's an element to app dating that is like ordering from postmates or something where you are pissed that your "order" is not what you wanted and not on time--well WTF would you still eat it?  Lol.  He's person and you are a person.  Going to be more nuanced than this.  I think it's in large part that the element that makes app dating like online ordering makes people really upset if things don't go as they wanted.  If you knew this guy through friends, probably each of you would be slightly more careful and treat each other like real people with less chance for misunderstanding and more leeway (not a pass but space FOR understanding).  It's simple though if it bugs you so much that you don't want to date him, throw him back! If you are grey area or still wanting to date him, work with him a little to gather up more information about who he is WITHOUT making yourself less of a priority.  Good luck

I'm so upset and angry. I was going to approach it without judgement, so much of what you said gave me a helpful perspective on things but he never responded. The date should be in 3.5hrs. Total silence. I feel so disrespected, if he doesn't want to or can't meet or just isn't interested anymore I'm not going to lose sleep over it. But regardless of whether this is in a dating context or the wider world, you just don't do that, wtf happened to courtesy?? .

I went to the gym to release but I just need to cry, let the general feelings of s***ness out my system and move on. I don't know if I should say something to him. I think sometimes saying nothing has more impact but I feel like if I say something it will be for myself, to let out my frustration. Not a full on message just something like 'we are strangers but general courtesy and letting me know you can't make today is not demanding.' I would like to also add on "Dick" but I will refrain. I can't stand flakey people in general, woman or man.

Edited October 19, 2020 by Starry_eyed

[carhill]

Sorry about the disappointment, that sucks, what I found after dozens of them in my 20's was my work was to assign less importance to the actions of others, can't control others, and more importance to my own actions, can control myself. In my generation, at least for me, I never got a date unless taking that risk to be rejected, ghosted, stood up, blown off, ridiculed, whatever, by asking a woman I liked out on a date. I think pretty much every adverse behavior possible happened during that decade or so of trial by fire. There was literally no other way to have a social life. That actually still exists even in my 60's. So, in order to get successful at it, accepting the behavior of others was essential; I didn't have to like it, rather accept it and move on. Practice makes perfect! Glad your gym is open! Good luck!

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

I'm so upset and angry. I was going to approach it without judgement, so much of what you said gave me a helpful perspective on things but he never responded. The date should be in 3.5hrs. Total silence. I feel so disrespected, if he doesn't want to or can't meet or just isn't interested anymore I'm not going to lose sleep over it. But regardless of whether this is in a dating context or the wider world, you just don't do that, wtf happened to courtesy?? .

I went to the gym to release but I just need to cry, let the general feelings of s***ness out my system and move on. I don't know if I should say something to him. I think sometimes saying nothing has more impact but I feel like if I say something it will be for myself, to let out my frustration. Not a full on message just something like 'we are strangers but general courtesy and letting me know you can't make today is not demanding.' I would like to also add on "Dick" but I will refrain. I can't stand flakey people in general, woman or man.

Hmmm, while I get that it can be disappointing to be disappointed in someone for lack of courtesy or the humanness of it all--the bottom line is you have to look for the good parts of it for you & like carhill said, "what you can control".  Look for the silver lining: at least you found out what sort of person he is (not responsible or respectful of your time or not serious about dating you enough to take this appointment seriously or not into you)---none of those things would really be different had you GONE on the date.  Actually, these things should be telling you that "good, glad I didn't waste my time on a person like this".  He can also only "disrespect" him if you allow that because it's an internal feeling.  Don't attach greater meaning to what HIS actions mean about you and your worth.  You shouldn't give a stranger that amount of influence over your being.  Your thought process has to be "his loss".  

I don't think you should say something to him. What does that accomplish? Certainly not reach out to him to say something!  A lighter, more intelligent "too bad" if he ever reaches out to you.  But I wouldn't stay stuck on it, if i were in your shoes.  You can control how you feel and your feelings about what happens to you.  People will probably disappoint in the future too--even someone you really like and who genuinely tries to do right by you.  If you take an ACTIVE role in the decision, you will feel less disempowered.  for example, deciding to move on and not look back is your choice and should empower you.  You don't need a reaction from him or to tell him off to try to get a reaction or let out your frustrated feelings to give yourself that.  If you can't stand flakey people, he's probably not the one for you.  I do think you will probably encounter more of this in online or app dating though.  I think you should not treat things as set in stone.  It's not window shopping and is fickle often from all ends--for all you know he could have been saying the same thing about your actions a few days ago.  The point is with strangers you don't know each other and things can get misinterpreted easily--especially if you can't ask directly.  Ok good luck, onto the ne

[Starry_eyed]

Indeed I can only control my own actions but I'm slightly conflicted because I feel like sometimes saying nothing and accepting the behaviours of others is telling them what they have done is okay. In some situations there needs to be consequences and accountability. Fair enough in this specific situation it is difficult to get that because it's online and we're strangers so he probably wouldn't care. I know people ghost all the time when chatting but I think this is a level worse. I have never had a guy ghost me before we agreed to meet, it's such a low move. I'm sorry you met women with similar behaviours @carhill.

I'm just reminding myself it's not my fault, what he did is rude, and for all I know something may have happened with him or he is simply an arsehole who I've managed to avoid investing more of my time in. I will post an update if he does get back in contact but I think this guy is an outright ghoster.

I had a little cry yesterday which helped, this guy and everything else has been a bit full on recently. I recognise I allowed him to make me feel a little disrespected @Versacehottie but after sleeping on it I'm a little less angry and am starting to see opportunities and gifts that have resulted. I can now focus fully on other things like my job situation, go to the gym and focus just on me, do some more internal work without distraction which I think I need right now. I need to get myself back to the more self-confident person I was until a few months into this pandemic. I'm going to put online dating on hold for the foreseeable future

❤

Edited October 20, 2020 by Starry_eyed

[Mystery4u]

3 hours ago, Starry_eyed said:

Indeed I can only control my own actions but I'm slightly conflicted because I feel like sometimes saying nothing and accepting the behaviours of others is telling them what they have done is okay. In some situations there needs to be consequences and accountability. Fair enough in this specific situation it is difficult to get that because it's online and we're strangers so he probably wouldn't care. I know people ghost all the time when chatting but I think this is a level worse. I have never had a guy ghost me before we agreed to meet, it's such a low move. I'm sorry you met women with similar behaviours @carhill.

I'm just reminding myself it's not my fault, what he did is rude, and for all I know something may have happened with him or he is simply an arsehole who I've managed to avoid investing more of my time in. I will post an update if he does get back in contact but I think this guy is an outright ghoster.

I had a little cry yesterday which helped, this guy and everything else has been a bit full on recently. I recognise I allowed him to make me feel a little disrespected @Versacehottie but after sleeping on it I'm a little less angry and am starting to see opportunities and gifts that have resulted. I can now focus fully on other things like my job situation, go to the gym and focus just on me, do some more internal work without distraction which I think I need right now. I need to get myself back to the more self-confident person I was until a few months into this pandemic. I'm going to put online dating on hold for the foreseeable future

❤

I'm confused how you can be so upset and angry and cry, when you have brought this on yourself.

He asks you to meet up, you say no. Who wants a virtual date? Terrible idea.

He messages you in the afternoon/evenings and you wait until the next day, nearly 24 hours, to reply because you are with family? And that stops you messaging how? It takes 30 seconds.

You arrange to meet on a Monday, and you cancel because of 'interview prep'? Really you can't spare a few hours?

I posted in the beginning of this thread to stop overthinking, and just meet him. You have done the complete opposite, and seems like you tried your hardest to NOT meet up with him as everything else seemed to be higher priority, but carried on all the overthinking.

You are still messaging on Tinder... and what exactly do you think he is going to be doing after all these brush offs? How can you possible expect him to be as enthusiastic as he was when you first matched? He is going to be matching with other girls, talking to them, meeting them, just like he should because you are the flakey one.

He has had enough and I would too if I was in his position.

[Starry_eyed]

2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

I'm confused how you can be so upset and angry and cry, when you have brought this on yourself.

He asks you to meet up, you say no. Who wants a virtual date? Terrible idea.

He messages you in the afternoon/evenings and you wait until the next day, nearly 24 hours, to reply because you are with family? And that stops you messaging how? It takes 30 seconds.

You arrange to meet on a Monday, and you cancel because of 'interview prep'? Really you can't spare a few hours?

I posted in the beginning of this thread to stop overthinking, and just meet him. You have done the complete opposite, and seems like you tried your hardest to NOT meet up with him as everything else seemed to be higher priority, but carried on all the overthinking.

You are still messaging on Tinder... and what exactly do you think he is going to be doing after all these brush offs? How can you possible expect him to be as enthusiastic as he was when you first matched? He is going to be matching with other girls, talking to them, meeting them, just like he should because you are the flakey one.

He has had enough and I would too if I was in his position.

We are simply different people.

He asked me for a date the same eve we started talking, I suggested a virtual date because I couldn't do it. As a busy person a virtual first date can be useful and many other people think similarly to me. I have had good virtual first dates in the past. When he said he preferred physical dates, I suggested a face to face date not long after.

I gave him 48 hours notice when I realised I couldn't make the first date and explained I would be quieter that week due to interview. I'm not going to lay out my schedule here but no, I really didn't have an extra few hours for this date. I barely slept more than 4 hours every day that week. A three-stage interview for a great job with a great firm was my priority. Maybe you prioritise differently but I don't think I did something unreasonable and I communicated it early to him and suggested another date straight away. Maybe he thought I was full of crap after that but I can't do anything to change that. It also doesn't justify standing someone up.

I have to disagree with you that I brought it on myself, that's suggesting poor behaviour is permissable in cases when it simply is not. Not for me anyway.

[Miss Spider]

I’m afraid I have to somewhat agree with Mystery4u on this one. Your expectations and everything about this are simply unreasonable imo. Most men who are dating online are not going to be that excited about virtual dating and such. & you are getting way too far away with your thoughts when this is a man you have never met face to face before. 

Edited October 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Starry_eyed]

I always accepted/expected he might get put off or his head could go somewhere else. I guess I never expected to agree a date with him and be left hanging on the day of the date. In 3 years of dating I've never experienced that so my expectation was the date would be happening and if it's not he will let me know because that's basic courtesy. I wasn't prepared for his approach, it seems really rude. That's what got me.

I guess it was a reality check because he seemed like a kind guy. Anyway, good reminder and life lesson for me, time to move on! 

Edited October 21, 2020 by Starry_eyed