dangerous Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 I went on a date last weekend and although it was very pleasant and we got on ok, I have zero attraction to her, she is just not my type, physically certainly. We agreed to meet again, because we are local and share a few common interests, and as I already said, we got on ok. Now she is texting me multiple times a day, always with kisses. I text back much less. Conventional wisdom is that I should tell her we would meet only as friends... BUT do I really have to spell this out? We are both in our 50's and she has said that she is easy going. I am comfortable enough to meet her but do not want to give her the impression this will be a romance. I will not behave in such a manner. If I spell it out, from experience, this will be a friendship-killer too. Opinions please? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 8 minutes ago, dangerous said: I have zero attraction to her, she is just not my type, physically certainly. From your opening post, I am assuming this was NOT a "Blind Date" and you knew what she looked like?? If you had "zero attraction" because of her physical appearance, why did you ask her out on a date?? Did you mean this get together to be a "just hanging out with a friend" thing? She thought it was a date?? I'm a bit confused. I guess your only course of action is to apologize for the misinterpretation and let her know that you intended your "get together" as just that and not a date. Let her know you would still like to "hang out" as friends, but have no romantic interest in her. By the way... what is wrong with her physical appearance that turns you off?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) If I get caught in this kind of situation and I actually like the girl as a person, I just kind of ride it out and offer her my friendship and not return the romantic overtures or even turn things sexual at all. I know it sounds kinda crappy but I've never had a bad outcome with this approach. Usually she catches on and accepts it. I'd go on the second outing, but just not make a move on her. Women know men will make a move if they're attracted to them. Now if I was not feeling her at all, I'd just be honest and say I'm not feeling what I'd need to feel to take that step. Edited October 6, 2020 by ccas93 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 Just tell her that you need to be honest that you do enjoy her company, and that's why you agreed to meet up again, but you don't see anything in a romantic sense. Apologize if you gave her the wrong impression, but still interested in hanging out as friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 You have to kill the friendship, at least in the short term. You never should have agreed to this 2nd date. Be straight. When you you meet her, have 1 drink, which you pay for & say something about her being a great person but that you are just not feeling the romantic connection. Then leave. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 46 minutes ago, dangerous said: Now she is texting me multiple times a day, always with kisses. I text back much less. Why do women do this, geez! I could understand a young girl, but a 50 year old woman? She should know better. Anyway, my advice is politely cancel and tell her, upon reflection, you don't think you're the right fit together, wish her well. I know what you mean by not your physical type, and that's okay, appearance is so subjective. Did you meet her on line? If so, did her pics not match in-person? Or did you simply not feel the right chemistry/energy? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 6, 2020 Author Share Posted October 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: From your opening post, I am assuming this was NOT a "Blind Date" and you knew what she looked like?? If you had "zero attraction" because of her physical appearance, why did you ask her out on a date?? Did you mean this get together to be a "just hanging out with a friend" thing? She thought it was a date?? I'm a bit confused. I guess your only course of action is to apologize for the misinterpretation and let her know that you intended your "get together" as just that and not a date. Let her know you would still like to "hang out" as friends, but have no romantic interest in her. By the way... what is wrong with her physical appearance that turns you off?? It was from OLD so based on a couple of shady pictures and a few texts. So almost a blind date. When i saw her I just don't fancy her, nothing wrong, just not feeling it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 6, 2020 Author Share Posted October 6, 2020 1 hour ago, ccas93 said: If I get caught in this kind of situation and I actually like the girl as a person, I just kind of ride it out and offer her my friendship and not return the romantic overtures or even turn things sexual at all. I know it sounds kinda crappy but I've never had a bad outcome with this approach. Usually she catches on and accepts it. I'd go on the second outing, but just not make a move on her. Women know men will make a move if they're attracted to them. Now if I was not feeling her at all, I'd just be honest and say I'm not feeling what I'd need to feel to take that step. I like this. That's the way I was hoping to play it. I'm sure she will get the hint and either end "us" or continue as a friendship. We shall see 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 6, 2020 Author Share Posted October 6, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: You have to kill the friendship, at least in the short term. You never should have agreed to this 2nd date. Be straight. When you you meet her, have 1 drink, which you pay for & say something about her being a great person but that you are just not feeling the romantic connection. Then leave. I think this feels patronising. She is a 50 year old, ex-married, with grown up children etc, why should I not take her at her word that she "sorted" and not dramatic. Historically, in the past, I have been an enabler/ fixer, so I'm feeling with this lady, I should give her the respect and trust she is an adult who can reach her own decisions, no? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 Just now, dangerous said: I think this feels patronising. She is a 50 year old, ex-married, with grown up children etc, why should I not take her at her word that she "sorted" and not dramatic. Historically, in the past, I have been an enabler/ fixer, so I'm feeling with this lady, I should give her the respect and trust she is an adult who can reach her own decisions, no? It was not my intent that you patronize her. I only meant that you should expect that she will be hurt & not want to be your friend in the short term. You need to give her a place to "save face." Of course she can chose to still be your friend. I'm telling you she is going to chose to insert some distance in her for a while & you should be prepared by not chasing her. Say what you want but you have to speak up sooner rather then later because this woman thinks you are kicking off a romance. The longer you allow her to operate under this misconception, the worse it will be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 16 minutes ago, dangerous said: It was from OLD so based on a couple of shady pictures and a few texts. So almost a blind date. OK... I understand. I (briefly) tried on-line dating and didn't like it and that was just one of the reasons I went back to meeting people in real life. And yes, one woman (I met) had photo-shopped her pictures and didn't look anything like the pictures she had placed on OLD. I don't get it, don't these people understand you can't post 20 year old pictures or ones that have been altered. Do they think we'll overlook their appearance?? This woman wasted your time and hers. Pictures you post on OLD should be current. At least one should be a complete body shot and at least one should be of the face. All pictures in good lighting, so you can actually see the person you are taking out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 1 hour ago, dangerous said: It was from OLD so based on a couple of shady pictures and a few texts. So almost a blind date. When i saw her I just don't fancy her, nothing wrong, just not feeling it. So why did you agree to meet up for a 2nd date? You are both on OLD to find romantic partners... not friends. Going out because you have common interests is a waste of time, as being friends with her is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 8 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: So why did you agree to meet up for a 2nd date? I'm guessing he didn't want to reject her face to face (when the subject of the next date came up). Like during the pre-cell phone days when I took a woman out and I told her I'd call her next week to set something up for the weekend. I had no intention of calling, and she babysat her (land line) phone waiting for a call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 4 hours ago, dangerous said: If I spell it out, from experience, this will be a friendship-killer too. Just wanted to touch on this: this happens because the woman isn't seeking friendship. She's probably already got enough friends and so a relationship is what she's seeking. Having her disappear may well happen with this woman even if you don't spell it out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) 23 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I'm guessing he didn't want to reject her face to face (when the subject of the next date came up). Like during the pre-cell phone days when I took a woman out and I told her I'd call her next week to set something up for the weekend. I had no intention of calling, and she babysat her (land line) phone waiting for a call. Ouch, land line! Glad nobody uses those anymore. Yea I guess maybe when they were together she asked him if he wants to meet up again so yea said 'yea sure' to keep it drama free. But a simple message 'Sorry I think we should give meeting up again a miss, I don't feel a romantic connection between us. I wish you the best in the future' is overdue. Edited October 6, 2020 by Mystery4u 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 A couple of issues here ... I'm not sure I get your thinking. There was nothing patronizing in d0nnivain's advice to keep emotional distance on a date if you're not feeling attracted to the person. You act on the date in a way that matches your feelings. The purpose of a date is to see if you have romantic chemistry. That's the purpose. Not to see if the other person is a good person, not to see if they are smart, not to see that they have great qualities that would make them a good fit for someone else. The purpose of a date is to see if YOU feel enough emotional-romantic chemistry to want to go out again. If the answer is no (which it will be on most dates) and you're sitting there knowing you're not feeling chemistry with this woman, then you want to keep some emotional distance. Which should be easy to do because you are, in fact, feeling emotional distance. And no you don't wanna agree to a second date. You are already playing a fixer again. Aren't you trying to stop that. You're already thinking she's so pathetic that you have to be nice to her and fake like you want a second date. No, you don't. You give this lady respect by showing up and being polite--which you did. That's it. She doesn't need you to fake interest in her by going out again. You've got to rewire your thinking about other people. You're acting as if other people are pathetic. Everyday in every hour and every minute and every moment, someone is learning that another person is not romantically interested in them. So what?! We all survive this. We say "aw shucks" and move on. No one jumps out the window because person x isn't interested in us. (If we are unemotionally unbalanced, yes, someone's lack of interest can cause a crisis, but in that case it's the person's overall life that is lacking and "rejection" was just the latest trigger--not the cause of severe collapse of some sort.) And part of the journey of dating is to learn to read other people and their interest level. This woman didn't read you. She needs to learn to do that so she doesn't waste time on you. She needs to pick up that you weren't flirting with her and so on. You're leading her on in a bad way. Anyway, do not reply to her messages. She texts you. Ignore them for a day ... or two ... or three. That will send the message that you aren't interested. Do not reply to all her messages. That just tells her that you are interested. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 8 hours ago, basil67 said: Just wanted to touch on this: this happens because the woman isn't seeking friendship. She's probably already got enough friends and so a relationship is what she's seeking. Having her disappear may well happen with this woman even if you don't spell it out. Also @dangerous I’m assuming you’ll continue dating even if this does become a friendship? How much time will you have to develop this friendship if you do find a new romantic partner? I assume you have other friendships already as well? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 Don't string her along and keep agreeing to meet and texting. Move on. You are not interested, so why play games? Simply be honest and tell her you see her as a friend so both of you can be free to find someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
boymommy Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 I have enough friends. If a guy I went on a date with told me he didn't feel the same way and wanted to just go out as friends instead of pursue a romance I would say thank you very much but I am going to move on. Of course she may feel differently but before the next date set the record straight and tell her you don't have any interest in her romantically. But expect that she wont' want to be friends with you either. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheCharm Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 If you have no attraction for her than that's it. Always do as you feel! If you see her only as friends, tell her, but IN PERSON. Certain things we got to say face to face. If she accept this good if not it's her problem. You need a flow of women in your life so you can choose the ones that you like the most and you will not settle, trust me! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 On 10/6/2020 at 2:26 PM, poppyfields said: Why do women do this, geez! I could understand a young girl, but a 50 year old woman? She should know better. Anyway, my advice is politely cancel and tell her, upon reflection, you don't think you're the right fit together, wish her well. I know what you mean by not your physical type, and that's okay, appearance is so subjective. Did you meet her on line? If so, did her pics not match in-person? Or did you simply not feel the right chemistry/energy? No worse than a 50 year old man that can’t find the words to tell someone he’s not interested in a relationship with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted October 7, 2020 Author Share Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) Thanks to all, for your ideas, suggestions, and even criticisms. I can take it Well it has sorted itself out. She texted me quite a lot since Sunday, and I have texted less and no kisses. I left it vague and did not set the second date/meet either. Tonight she texted me to say she is not feeling it. tbh that is what I wanted. Rather than me tell her, she has reached her own decision. I'm not upset in the slightest, and I reckon she'd feel better this way, than if I had said I wanted to friend-zone her. Edited October 7, 2020 by dangerous Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 I don't think you need in person to tell someone you aren't romantically interested in them. That's for a breakup, someone you have a bond with. Thinking you need to do this in person would be like an employer calling in a job applicant to tell them in person that they were not selected for the job. Text is fine for this. You don't have a relationship such that the other person needs to see you in person. In a breakup of an established relationship, the person you are dumping may want to ask questions or make a last ditch plea. And sometimes the dumper can comfort the dumpee somewhat ... or they can have a meaningful conversation. We owe no such consideration to someone we just went out with on one date. In fact, setting up an in-person meeting is as likely to signal to the other person that you ARE interested. God, if every woman who was not interested in me had set aside time for this, that would have just been foolish. In the old days, a phone call would do ... or a no-return phone call would do. Today texting this is fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 18 minutes ago, dangerous said: Tonight she texted me to say she is not feeling it. Excellent, it avoids the whole awkward thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 Yes, this ended the best it could. People go on dating sites to find dates, not friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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