Rejected and how to deal

[Sadnessagain]

Hi, long read.

A bit of background my boyfriend and I we're dating for a year and a half. We always talked about moving in together. I believed we are amazing together, if I was ever insecure or needy he always reassured me that we would be ok and that we were always a team.

He broke up with me a few weeks ago because I accused him of lying. It all has to do with him avoiding one of my texts yet he was on social media all day. I confronted him and he said there must have been a glitch in the social media system. Regardless our arguement got very heated, we blamed each other for several things that have happened in the past during our time together. Arguements that we had during the relationship. I begged, pleaded, cried and said we can work this out and he continued to tell me it was over.

The following week I stalked....I drove by his house to see if he was home and he wasn't. I texted him to see what he was up to and he responded the next day saying he was asleep early...I called him out on the lie about sleeping and he said his dad took his car for a few hours. Possible but highly unlikely. We talked...I talked/cried for hours about getting back together. He didn't say much but in the end he said we weren't a good fit and told me to move on in a nice way. I pushed and it got heated again until he finally said he didn't care anymore and he hates the person he becomes when I pull that animal out of him by persisting and argueing.

I reached out last night (3 weeks after the break up) and apologized for all my begging and pleading and that I see things in a different light now. I told him I felt stupid for the way I acted. I told him he inspired me and that I have become stronger. I told him everything that I've been up to in the last couple of weeks. happy things and told him not to be a stranger. He read my message but didn't respond. I messaged him again today and said I'd like to know how he was doing and he left me on delivered. He has not opened my message. 

I will not contact him anymore. I need an outside source to tell me if this man will ever forgive me, how to move on and how to stop obsessing by just waiting for him. I'm depressed to do anything right now but think of him.

Edited October 6, 2020 by Sadnessagain
Spelling mistake

[Giovane]

2 hours ago, Sadnessagain said:

I will not contact him anymore. (...) how to stop obsessing by just waiting for him.

Actually not contacting him any more - no exceptions! - is all there's to it. It's as simple as that. It'll take time, it will not help you feel better quickly, but there really is no other trick, no other strategy you can turn to. Delete his contact information if it helps. If you do try to get back in touch with him, you'll get hurt one way or another, so don't.

How to stop obsessing? Busy yourself with other things, new things. Try a hobby you've never tried before.

[Maldives]

Ye by u contacting him all the time maybe pushing him further away.

I would back off on the contact that'll giv him the opportunity to reflect 

Pretty petty thing to call it quits over but me and my ex use to break up quiet a lot I use to find the one mth point will usually be the breaking point and one of u will reach out. I'd back off now and let him reflect on his decision. If you were really close passions flare hence arguments so more than likely he'll come back around

Edited October 6, 2020 by Goodguy05

[ExpatInItaly]

I think he's really done, OP. 

He sounds fed up and my guess is that this was not an isolated incident. He might forgive you in time, but I don't think you're going to reconcile. Too much drama and he doesn't feel the same way anymore. It's time to let go. 

All you can do is work on getting through each day without contacting him or seeking him out in any way. It won't stop you from thinking about him but it will start to help you learn to be on your own again. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You seem to have some insight so therapy could help you unpack and sort some stuff out.

Unfortunately your post is a bit scary, like someone who may eventually have legal problems (stalking, harassment, etc) due to untreated psychological issues.

The sooner you help yourself the sooner you will feel better. There's excellent help out there for people with obsessional jealousy.

[d0nnivain]

He probably has forgiven you.  But he's also not coming back. 

You admit you were needy & insecure in the relationship.  He'd have to reassure you. That is very unattractive & it drains the other person.  

You jumped all over him & accused him of avoiding your text.  Just because we have the ability to stay connected 24/7 doesn't mean we have the obligation.  Unless you were needing him for a matter of life & death you should have let him be.  You pestering him & chasing him caused the problem. 

It's wrong but I understand why he lies to you.  You smother the poor guy.  You act like every aspect of his life is yours to control.   This is where social media becomes a bad thing.  Having this much access to someone makes you crazy.  

After the breakup for you to drive by his house then actually pick another fight with him over where his car was is so over the top.   At that point you were broken up.  You were not entitled to that info.  To accuse him of lying when he said his father had the car makes you seem even more unstable.  he could have been out on a date with another woman because at that point he was a single man.  Also it was none of your business.  You don't seem to understand that & you have poor boundaries. 

For you to say that after 3 weeks you have insight into where you went wrong, that you see things in a different light & you are stronger is delusional thinking.  The changes you need to make & the personal growth you need take YEARS to develop, not 3 weeks.  He is not going to reconcile with you if he's smart; it will only be more of the same -- fights, distrust & you all up in his business because you are to immature & insecure to have a healthy adult relationship. 

I'm sorry to be harsh with you.  It's not my intent to hurt you or make you feel bad.  However it's time for you to learn about independence & trust.  Your partner can & should love you without you being constantly in touch.   Too much togetherness is actually a bad thing.  

This relationship has ended.  There are many lessons for you to learn from it's demise but like Humpty Dumpty you can't put it back together again.  

Grieve.  Reflect.  Let GO!  Heal & learn.   Your next relationship will benefit from the work you do on yourself in the aftermath 

[Sadnessagain]

Hi all and thank you for all of the responses. I am working on myself. The ex responded to my message and kept it very simple..he's doing good, working hard and he is glad I am doing ok. I didn't respond as there isn't much more to say to that. He told me how he was doing because that is what I asked. This man is just a nice guy in general and I feel he responded because he is just nice. Of course I want him back but I will leave him be. Not sure what the future holds but hoping he will one day reach out and start a conversation. Any thoughts? He went from cold to a simple response, does he need more time or is he just done with me?

You have all been so great, thank you for all the advice coming in.

[smackie9]

He's done. If he wanted to work on things he would have told you by now...he's just being a nice guy. Time better spent reflecting on mistakes that were made, and apply that knowledge for the next relationship.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Breakups are rarely spur of the moment. There’s usually weeks or months of feeling unhappy, fantasizing about freedom and making mental notes about all the other person’s flaws. Then something happens and it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. 
 

You’re not going to unpack all those bad feelings he has in a few days or weeks. It takes time for negative memories to fade. The best thing would have been to accept the breakup in a dignified manner, nicely wish him the best and go immediate full No Contact. Then get to work on yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. The last image the person has of you should be pleasant, not of an emotionally unstable and begging mess.

All you can do now is to stop contacting him, stop stalking him and move forward with your life. You have likely burned the bridge permanently with your behavior. Learn some lessons from this so that you are healthier in your next relationship. 

[Sadnessagain]

Update guys. I had to reach out to let him know that a delivery from weeks ago was going to be late. He joked about it. I asked how life was and if he was ready to move (he gets his own place next week) told him I get mine 3 days after he does. He said he had lots to do before he could move it, paint etc. Congratulated me on my new place...I said thank you and you can do it!! To add some inspiration to what he was doing but didnt ask where I was going to be living or any questions for that matter and did not continue the conversation.

Will this man come back or should I give up already

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. You need to stop contacting him. He didn't engage or ask questions because it's over. He was just being polite but doesn't want to string you along.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Sadnessagain said:

Will this man come back or should I give up already

The latter. 

He is being friendly but he's done with the relationship, girl. Time to let go. 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Sadnessagain said:

Will this man come back or should I give up already

He's a polite, nice person who made chit chat with an EX.  Nothing about that conversation indicated that he wants to reconcile.  You are desperately grasping at straws. 

Concentrate on getting your new place together.  It will be a fresh start for you.  No need to drag the baggage of memories of him there.  Take nothing of him -- no mementos, no trinkets, no gifts & no pictures -- into the new place.  

[schlumpy]

It's hard to say if he will come back. I think that your best chance is to prove to him that you can live without him even though you've done just the opposite up to now. 

Once you are off his radar he may move on or he may start to miss you.

If you do get to talk to him or meet accidently, only talk about pleasant things or pleasant memories you shared because at the moment those are not what is uppermost in his mind.

Please try to control you anger. That way you don't say things you want to take back later.

Also never confront an SO about cheating unless you have rock solid and indisputable evidence. They will just spin it away and you will come out of it doubting yourself.

Focus on yourself and work on self-control. It comes in handy in lots of situations.

 

[stillafool]

Do not find an excuse to contact him again.  He was very polite to you but as you can see was not even interested enough to want to know where you are going to live.  Just leave him alone now because he isn't coming back.  I wouldn't be surprised if he was looking for any excuse to break up by the way he's acting.  Just start your healing process and don't look back.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's unlikely that he is coming back.  

As far as how you should proceed: First of all, it was too soon for you to contact him for him to have real belief that you've grown, changed, "seen the error of your ways".  Sorry if this is harsh, but he probably doesn't miss you yet...it's too soon.  I think while it's nice that you told him you were in a good place during that 3 weeks--as we can see from your posts here, that really isn't the truth and he knows you far better than we do, so he knows it's likely not the truth either!  Gotta guess he's traumatized by all the fighting and monitoring of him.  He's not going to forget that in 3-4 weeks, maybe ever.

IMO, the best thing you can do is devote yourself to being a better you.  If you feel better about yourself, I'm guessing you will feel less of a need to monitor him or for constant contact with him.  You also might get to the stage where you see that while you had "something" together, there's a part where you aren't compatible due to how you manage conflict.  If it's a growing up thing, then only time and work on yourself will help that part along.  If he needs to grow up as well, well then that typically needs time too.  Also he may have just had it in his head that it's just never going to work.  Right now you need to accept that & start working on building a life without him. Good luck

[kendahke]

On 10/5/2020 at 11:05 PM, Sadnessagain said:

if I was ever insecure or needy he always reassured me that we would be ok and that we were always a team.

He broke up with me a few weeks ago because I accused him of lying.

It all has to do with him avoiding one of my texts yet he was on social media all day.

our arguement got very heated,

I begged, pleaded, cried and said we can work this out and he continued to tell me it was over.

Quote

The following week I stalked....I

drove by his house to see if he was home and he wasn't.

I called him out on the lie about sleeping and he said his dad took his car for a few hours. Possible but highly unlikely.

Did you talk to his dad? No? Then you don't know.
 

Quote

 

I talked/cried for hours about getting back together.

He said we weren't a good fit and told me to move on in a nice way.

I pushed and it got heated again until he finally said he didn't care anymore and he hates the person he becomes when I pull that animal out of him by persisting and argueing.

 

Quote

I reached out last night (3 weeks after the break up) and apologized for all my begging and pleading and that I see things in a different light now. I told him I felt stupid for the way I acted. I told him he inspired me and that I have become stronger.

Nothing has changed in 3 weeks time.  Fundamental change to your psyche takes way longer than 3 weeks.  Right now, it sounds like you're trying to get your way when to him, he's done with all of the heavy lifting being with you requires.

You need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend right now. There are so many issues you've outlined in this one post that you need to do some serious work on--or else this is going to be a recurring theme in all your relationships going forward.  I'd see to that with a quickness if I was you.

Bottom line: he's serious about being done with you. Respect that and quit contacting him.