I'm lukewarm.

[Giovane]

Thought I'd update again, just because the news is good and things are rose-coloured.

So we had our third date... and we kissed... and it was good! We also had a great time when we were not kissing.

I'm liking this more and more! Not lukewarm any more!  And no matter what this will eventually turn out to be, I'm already glad I gave her a chance.

Edited October 25, 2020 by Giovane

[Ellener]

On 10/5/2020 at 3:23 PM, Giovane said:

There's nothing I couldn't like. But I just don't feel "it".

Answers your own question.

[Ellener]

3 minutes ago, Giovane said:

I'm liking this more and more! Not lukewarm any more! 

ditto!

[Giovane]

I have no questions, I do not ask for advice. It‘s just that I found my old thread and I thought I would update, and vent a little… because it‘s been over for a couple of weeks now, and I still struggle a bit.

So this woman and I got together. Yay, huh?  We kissed on 23 October 2020, and marked that date for anniversaries. (We would have two of them.) In December and January 2020/2021 she told me she was going through a rough phase and was having doubts about our relationship, but she overcame that eventually.

In February/March 2021, quite early, it was her idea for us to look for an apartment and move in together, which we did in May 2021. Living together with your LTR was a first for both her and me, and it caused no major troubles. (We now have one more week of living together before she moves out at the beginning of May. I‘m looking for a new apartment, but will stay here for the time being. Seeing the things that are hers and ours, but will no longer be ours, is hurtful. Waking up next to her and knowing she will soon not be there anymore is hurtful.)

We lived together happily for the rest of 2021 and all through 2022. We went on two vacations together, she got to know my family (which, I have to say, did not go smoothly) and I got to know hers quite well. We frequently visited her mother, and I will miss those visits, too, because I felt comfortable around her family. We went on a couple of day trips, we tried out new restaurants, took dancing classes together and socialized with people from work (mainly hers). When we didn‘t feel like going out, we watched some TV series together. We did have good times and created some nice memories together.

Of course there were problems, too. Here are two of them.

I brought baggage into our relationship: my money managing skills are quite bad, and when we got together, I still had some debts, and zero savings. I‘ve since managed to pay off the rest of my debts (with organizational assists from her), but for the money I make from my day job, at my age, I should have a considerable amount of money stashed away, but I don‘t. She, on the other hand, is great with money, and makes sure to save and invest a certain amount every month. So there‘s that. I am aware I‘m at fault here. (Not to be misunderstood: she never paid for me. I always contributed my half of the rent and insurances, and we used an app to split costs for groceries, vacations and gas money fairly.)

The second problem - and this, too, was a problem right from the start - is that sadly, we never quite connected sexually. We hit a wall in the bedroom. The phrasing that‘s often used on this forum is that two people are not „compatible“ sexually, and I think it applies to us, too. Our inability to have a fulfilling sex life surprised me (and, frankly, also made me a bit insecure) because it had never been a problem in my two prior LTRs, and between these I‘ve had fulfilling flings and ONSs, too. With her, it was the first time (for me) that sex turned out to be a problem. The last time we had sex was in the first week of the new year, and we didn‘t have sex on my birthday or on Valentine‘s Day, either.

We still tried to make it work, but all in all, in November/December last year, my girlfriend started to feel serious doubts about our relationship again. She wanted to talk about our issues after New Year‘s, which we did. She pushed me to tackle my financial issues more proactively, which I can‘t blame her for. She proposed going to couple‘s therapy, which we also did (one session). (During the session, she brought up her troublesome relationship with her father. The therapist suggested I touch a particular part of her body and try to comfort her, but she was visibly reluctant to let me do that. This made me sad.)

However, on 11 March she told me that she liked me and had feelings for me, but not enough to continue our relationship. She didn‘t cite any specific incidents, the reason she gave me is that she just doesn’t feel enough of an emotional connection between us. She would like to be with someone who she can have a certain kind of deep conversations with, and apparently, that’s not me. Also, there is a general lack of „spark“ or „enthusiasm“ between us. She wanted something more exciting, she wanted to feel more enthusiasm. She didn‘t even talk about sex or money issues, although they have surely played a part.

I didn‘t try to persuade her to change her mind, nor will I try to win her back. I‘ll try to accept her decision and move on myself.

How do I feel? I‘m sad. When we were first starting to date, I was lukewarm (it‘s the name of this thread, after all), and I think she may have been, too. But my feelings for her grew considerably over time. There were times when I felt unhappy (especially considering our troublesome sex life), there were times when I had doubts myself, but I still loved her and I really wanted to make this work somehow. I could have seen us having children in the future. (Before November/December of last year, we sometimes talked about names we liked, what sort of parents we would be and how we would handle certain situations with children. We had the same ideas. We agreed on almost everything as far as parenting is concerned.)

Yesterday a friend of mine told me she is sure I will find someone new soon. That‘s nice of her to say, but I don‘t quite feel in the right frame of mind yet. I still think about her much too often. I did download Tinder and make a profile, but I think this was just a shock reaction. I‘m not in the mood for dating another person yet. (Plus, I think Tinder is a bad way to try and find a partner even when you have healed and you do have the right frame of mind. )

Here are some of my takeaways from all of this. The list is a work in progress:

- In my next relationship, I want to try and „take the lead“ more than I did in this one. She was the one who suggested moving in together, she was the one who pushed me towards more financial responsibility, and she kind of took the lead on some other issues, big and small, as well. I think she was disappointed that I didn‘t do that more often. I think she wanted to be lead, too, and was disappointed in my lack of initiative.

- I NEED to handle money responsibly, and not just for the sake of relationships. She tried to help me get rid of some bad habits, showed me how she did it, and I hope I can learn from her and not fall back into the ways I wasted my money before.

- A relationship can probably not be built on „reason“ alone. (At least not in our modern society.) There needs to be passion, too. In my very first post in this thread I described her as „a catch“, which conveys that „on paper“, speaking in the abstract, she is an ideal partner. However, I was lukewarm, because I wasn‘t head over heels for her. I wasn‘t madly in love. Today I wonder whether that would have been necessary, whether everything would have turned out differently if had been. When she ended our relationship, she named the lack of passion as her main reason. 

- I think a lot about what she said about a deep emotional connection, about the importance of communication. It‘s not that we did not communicate, we also talked about our problems a lot, but apparently, she still wanted a different, a deeper kind of communication. I‘m not sure if I can provide that even in a future relationship, because - I just can‘t change the kind of person I am. I feel like becoming the kind of person that has the kind of conversations she wants would involve changing who I am on a very fundamental level, and I don‘t know a) if I even want that and b) if this is possible even if I wanted to. I do see the value of personal growth and development, and I don‘t want to be the same person I am now in a couple of years from now, but this is one particular kind of change that I am not sure about. However, with her, I‘ve had deeper conversations than I had in either of my previous relationships, and it has become important to me. For my next (and, hopefully, my last?) relationship, I hope I can find a woman who is also a good communicator.

 

[Calmandfocused]

Hi Op 

I’m very sorry to read your update. 
 

I’d love to know exactly what “sexual issues” there were between you both. However whatever they were I think it boils down to one thing: 

You just didn’t fancy her! 
 

It’s very difficult to have a good sex life with someone who you’re not attracted to. It simply won’t work. 
 

As difficult as it is this right now, it’s for the best. 
 

You’ll look back one day (when you’re dating someone you really vibe) and you’ll be glad this happened. 
 

Keep looking forward buddy