I'm lukewarm.

[Giovane]

There's this girl, we've known each other through a mutual hobby for a couple of years now. We're friendly with each other, say hi, chit-chat occasionally, but that's it. That used to be it.

Over the last couple of weeks, we've started to talk more and more, and learned that we have similar interests and views in many areas. When she learned that I parted ways with my girlfriend earlier this year, she contacted me even more - and finally invited me on a date. I accepted, and I'm seeing her at the weekend.

It's just that - I'm not sure. In many ways, people might say that she's "a catch"! She's a bit younger than me, but not too much, she's pretty - not my type, but pretty - she's intelligent, well-educated, has an interesting job, she's opinionated, but soft-spoken, and like I said before, we share many interests and views. There's nothing I couldn't like. But I just don't feel "it". I know what it feels like to fall in love (it just happened to me this summer), and this isn't it. It would have never occurred to me to ask her out on a date, I just never even had a hint of a crush on her. I'm flattered that she seems interested in dating me, and I'm also curious, but I wonder if it's fair to accept even though I'm not feeling much at the moment.

Is this bound to fail? Or would I be too quick to dismiss her already? What are your experiences with situations like this? Has something good ever come of lukewarm beginnings for you? Have you found yourself in a similar situation and were then swept off your feet? Or would the decent thing to do be to decline her invitation?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Giovane said:

I parted ways with my girlfriend earlier this year

. But I just don't feel "it".

Tell her you see her as a friend. Don't string people along. Sounds like you're not over your gf.

[d0nnivain]

You already said yes to the date.  Go on it with her.  It would be rude to back out now.  be warm & gracious on the date.  Maybe you will see her in a different light.  If you still aren't' feelin' it at the end of the date, thank her, pay your half of the check (go Dutch) and make it clear to her that you two are just friends.  

[snowboy91]

I'd go on the date and see what happens. It's a chance to get to know her more - that's it.

But if you're not feeling it, don't force yourself into being in a relationship with her because she seems "good on paper". The doubts will gradually eat away at you and the relationship and cause a whole lot of pain for her and you through misunderstanding. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you should go on the date.  But after that one date, if you are still not feeling it, do not waste any more of her time.

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Giovane said:

she's pretty

that would be enough for me buddy,

get in there

[Gaeta]

It's a date, not a relationship. People go out on random dates all the time and it doesn't mean they have to accept a second date. It's an opportunity to go out and have fun. If after the date you don't feel it then move on. It won't be her first or last disappointment. 

[Sunnyzwei1989]

I would go on the date, there’s nothing to lose and maybe something will spark up between you two.  You never know.

[mark clemson]

Depends what you want. Possibly this will just be a nice fling (IF that)? There is nothing wrong with "trying someone out" to see if more develops.

Ultimately if you're not feeling it you're not feeling it. That doesn't mean you can't have something between you. Just don't deceive her that this is more than dating and "trying things out" to see how it goes.

You could be feeling it and have it not work out, and you could be not feeling it and then start to develop more feelings.

IF you think there's absolutely no way and that you don't even want to be with her period because you're not a "fling" kind of guy, then don't bother with the above and friendzone her as someone else suggested.

Side note: I think your post is a good example of how "the friend zone" is an OK place to be.  You were not friendzoned by her after a romantic overture. (That is almost always the end of things.) Instead you were a genuine friend/acquaintance and now she is showing additional interest.

From what I understand this happens more often than people seem to realize due to the bad rep of "the friend zone" and the fact that so many people want instant gratification.

[Maldives]

5 hours ago, Giovane said:

There's this girl, we've known each other through a mutual hobby for a couple of years now. We're friendly with each other, say hi, chit-chat occasionally, but that's it. That used to be it.

Over the last couple of weeks, we've started to talk more and more, and learned that we have similar interests and views in many areas. When she learned that I parted ways with my girlfriend earlier this year, she contacted me even more - and finally invited me on a date. I accepted, and I'm seeing her at the weekend.

It's just that - I'm not sure. In many ways, people might say that she's "a catch"! She's a bit younger than me, but not too much, she's pretty - not my type, but pretty - she's intelligent, well-educated, has an interesting job, she's opinionated, but soft-spoken, and like I said before, we share many interests and views. There's nothing I couldn't like. But I just don't feel "it". I know what it feels like to fall in love (it just happened to me this summer), and this isn't it. It would have never occurred to me to ask her out on a date, I just never even had a hint of a crush on her. I'm flattered that she seems interested in dating me, and I'm also curious, but I wonder if it's fair to accept even though I'm not feeling much at the moment.

Is this bound to fail? Or would I be too quick to dismiss her already? What are your experiences with situations like this? Has something good ever come of lukewarm beginnings for you? Have you found yourself in a similar situation and were then swept off your feet? Or would the decent thing to do be to decline her invitation?

Reminds me of an ex I went out wth for three yrs to answer ur question no it doesn't grow ur lov grows for em but it's. Not that falling in lov feeling u describe 

[Lotsgoingon]

Of course, this happens ... happens all the time to people dating ... all the time! ... good person, pretty good looking, no horrible flaws ... but no quick. Absolutely part and parcel of dating.

Here's one thing I have tried to do over the years. You go in being yourself--your honest self. If you do that, and you're not feeling it with this person, you will have opportunities to talk in a way that makes clear you want to be friends. She might not get it even she's totally head over heels for you. But the key is ... if this is not a gf ... and you don't want her to be a gf. Do NOT talk to her like a gf. Talk to her like a good acquaintance-friend.

 

[Fletch Lives]

If you've known her for a couple of years and you two never got together, something is wrong - the chemistry is not there and probably never will be.

So just enjoy the friendship until Miss. Right comes along.

[Giovane]

44 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

If you've known her for a couple of years and you two never got together, something is wrong

Well... I did have a girlfriend when we first met. Up until a couple of months ago.

Thanks for your feedback, everybody!

[Lorenza]

People expect to "feel it" way too fast nowadays, when "it" is usually just lust. How can you feel something for someone you haven't spent time with or bonded in any way at all? She has only been a casual contact until now. Go on a couple of dates and then judge if you like her or not, especially knowing that she is pretty and you have a lot in common. That's a better base than pure lust and then finding out there is not much for you to talk about when that lust fades, which it will. 

Edited October 6, 2020 by Lorenza

[MeadowFlower]

21 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

People expect to "feel it" way too fast nowadays, when "it" is usually just lust. How can you feel something for someone you haven't spent time with or bonded in any way at all? ............. That's a better base than pure lust and then finding out there is not much for you to talk about when that lust fades, which it will. 

Can we put this in bold letters and paste it on walls all over the world. Lol.  

[smackie9]

That's sad in a way...look at it from the asker's point of view....you say yes to the date, they think you are interested and have hopes. It's obvious you have no interest, so why waste her time?

[stillafool]

Don't have sex with her, even if she strips naked and begs you.

[poppyfields]

18 hours ago, Giovane said:

When she learned that I parted ways with my girlfriend earlier this year, she contacted me even more - and finally invited me on a date. I accepted, and I'm seeing her at the weekend.

Do you think it's possible you're reading too much into her invite?  Did she specifically call it a "date"?

You said yourself you've been talking more, opening up more with each other and that was before she knew you and your girlfriend broke up.

So do you think it's possible she invited you out as just a good friend?  I mean, there may be some interest on her part, but why get all wound up about it?  

Can you not spend some time together without you getting all in your head about what it means?  

You're getting together with a good friend.  Unless she referred to it as a "date" why not view it as two friends getting together, and enjoy!  

And even if she did specifically refer to it as a date, go into it with an open mind and have fun.  

It doesn't mean you have to marry her or even have a relationship with her.

You're freaking yourself out mate, chill.  Relax. Enjoy, have fun!  

[poppyfields]

Let's spin this around and imagine she posted a thread. 

">>There's this guy in my hobby group I've become friends with, we chat a lot, lately we've been opening up and sharing more with each other. 

We never took it outside the group, but since he and his gf broke up, I figured it was safe to initiate and asked him to hang out over the weekend. 

He said sure, but now he's acting all weird thinking I want to date him!  Told me he doesn't feel "that" way about me.

WTF, we've been friends, we are still friends; all I did was ask to get together, do something fun, and he's acting like I want to marry him or something!  LOL<<"

Dude, chill out, get out of your head, and again have fun with your friend.

If she starts to get pushy, deal with it then.

Edited October 6, 2020 by poppyfields

[Fletch Lives]

11 hours ago, Giovane said:

Well... I did have a girlfriend when we first met. Up until a couple of months ago.

 

You are right, that's a different story.

 

 

If you don't want to kiss the girl, it probably won't happen with her.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Giovane said:

she contacted me even more - and finally invited me on a date. I accepted, and I'm seeing her at the weekend.

Since you said yes, go and see what happens but after that be honest about not being over your ex or just seeing her as a friend.

[Giovane]

Update time!

On 10/6/2020 at 5:04 PM, poppyfields said:

So do you think it's possible she invited you out as just a good friend?

No, it was a date alright! Pretty outfit, walk in the park, classy Italian restaurant and everything! I believe if she asked for opinions about her plans on a board like this, people might advise her to dial it down a little, so as not to "come on too strong". But you know what? I didn't mind, actually, and felt flattered she would go to such lengths to plan a night with me. The "lukewarm" heated up!

On 10/6/2020 at 10:10 AM, Lorenza said:

Go on a couple of dates and then judge if you like her or not

Took that to heart and made it my plan!

On 10/6/2020 at 7:18 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Since you said yes, go and see what happens

I did!

On 10/6/2020 at 5:18 PM, poppyfields said:

Dude, chill out, get out of your head, and again have fun with your friend.

We did! And...

On 10/6/2020 at 7:15 PM, Fletch Lives said:

If you don't want to kiss the girl, it probably won't happen with her.

It didn't.

On 10/6/2020 at 4:58 PM, stillafool said:

Don't have sex with her, even if she strips naked and begs you.

Obviously, none of that happened, either.

And then? Had a second date, just this weekend. It was great, I learned a ton of interesting stuff about her, and... well, I like her more and more!

The problem now? So far, we haven't been physical at all, and I hope it's not too late for that. By now, I would like to touch her, feel her touch, or even kiss her, and I'm guessing she would not have minded. But like I said before, that wasn't really on my mind before the first date. Yesterday, the surroundings were not too romantic (rainy walk through a part of the city that has lots of bars and cafés, plus outdoor coffee because all the tables inside were taken) and I felt a bit under the weather, so I just didn't feel like it. (Or was I just being shy and am now trying to explain that away?)

I feel like if there's no physical flirting on date three - scheduled for next weekend! - she might lose the interest that she still seems to be having and that she has now awoken in me.

I went into this investing very little, emotionally, and now that I'm a bit more invested, I hope that my initial taking it slow won't come back to bite me!

[TheBlingRing14]

Okay so....I'm a mess romantically so take my opinion with a grain of salt. But, I do have a bit of an opposite opinion on this. 

I know a number of couples who have been married for decades, who are still married, who have described their early courtship as a relatively boring courtship. It wasn't sparks and chemistry, it wasn't The One, it wasn't full of "You're my soulmate" starry eyes. It was a relatively slow burn. You foster a friendship with this person and then eventually they become the first person you think of in the morning and the last you think of at night. Eventually, they become the person you can't wait to share all your news with. 

At least some of these couples have mentioned being in those kinds of chemistry-forward, attraction- forward, lightning bolt type of relationship....and obviously, they never worked out. They came and they went, usually ending badly. Then, they entered relationships with their current, long-time partners, and it started with friendship and/or companionship...but there was never "A moment." 

One person described it to me like this. In a home, everyone loves a fireplace right? They are romantic and sexy and beautiful and charming. But, sometimes they burn too hot, sometimes they burn too cold; it can be a lot of maintenance. It can be expensive to maintain. But, when people go house hunting, they ask for a fireplace, they coo over fireplace....a fireplace can make or break whether a house is The One. BUT....the more important thing is the furnace. It's quiet and steady. It provides essential warmth, but in an understated way. It's one of those things that is such a steady presence in your life, that you don't even really think about it. It becomes an every day part of your life. Do you want to spend the rest of your life getting heat from a fireplace or a furnace? That was their description. And it makes sense if you think about it. 

I am not saying if the thought of being with someone makes you throw up in your mouth, you should give them a chance and suck it up. I'm not saying if you aren't feeling it, date for 3 years and see what happens. I'm just saying maybe build the rapport, give it more than 1 or 2 dates and see what happens from there.

[Watercolors]

On 10/5/2020 at 3:26 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Tell her you see her as a friend. Don't string people along. Sounds like you're not over your gf.

+1. This is the best way to approach your date with her this weekend, OP. As platonic friends since you are still in "recovery" mode from your summer breakup.

This way, you won't lead her on, and she will appreciate your honesty with her. Then, you two can enjoy hanging out b/c there's no romantic pressure hanging over your heads. You're just two pals hanging out.

[Wiseman2]

Slow down. Don't use the 3 date rule. Play this by ear and see how it goes.