Kombucha Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 My boyfriend and I dated for ten years. We are both 30 and met in undergrad. He is a first generation American... his parents are from India and moved here for college (he was born in the US). He adored me and we were like two peas in a pod for many, many years. He is one of the smartest people I ever met. We always knew that we would get married. He always said he never wanted to marry an Indian girl. I am white and he liked that. I really thought I hit the jackpot for so many years. I started medical school in 2013. I worked very, very hard to get in to the program. It was so important and special to me that I made it there. I ended up having some health problems in 2016 and my grades declined, so I was dismissed from the program. I was devastated. I was severely depressed and had suicidal thoughts every single day. I was having intrusive thoughts that I was a failure. My boyfriend was helpful during the initial stages of my grief. I applied to lower tier medical school program to get back in and took the MCAT over again. I even took more classes in college to boost my gpa to get back in. It was horrible and painful, but I felt it was the right thing to do for myself. I went to therapy and was trying really hard to get out of this horrible time. It took me about three and a half years to move on from what happened in medical school. Trauma is hard to overcome. I never got back into medical school, which I am at peace with now. (I recently found another related field that is a better fit.) But I went through hell for 3.5 years and my boyfriend ended up using my struggles against me during our tenth year together. He made me feel like a selfish person, and I hate myself for it. I was suffering a lot because I realized last fall that I was never going to get back into medical school. It was my childhood dream to become a doctor. I lived with my boyfriend, so I would express my concerns and anxieties to him after work many nights a week. I wasn't making much money and was stressed about finances. Nothing was going well for me despite my efforts. My therapist was helping. She said that I was handling this all well, and that I am one of the hardest workers that she knows, but I still felt scared and needed reassurance from my boyfriend that I would not be a loser for the rest of my life. He would get very annoyed with me. My primary care doctor told me that she believed I had a form of PTSD from the trauma. I would express that I wasn't feeling back to my old self still, and I was scared that I would always feel depressed despite my best efforts. My mind was a living hell. I felt trapped no matter what I did to improve my life. He was helpful until 2019. He works in a distillery as the program manager. It was his dream to work there. He left academia to pursue this. After he got promoted, he would come home grumpy after work many days. He never likes to show that he is weak in any way, so he was good at hiding the depth of his frustrations with his job. He is really good at making hard things look easy. I was not fully aware of how angry he was with his current role at work. I learned after our breakup from one of his former coworkers that he had the most stressful job in the distillery. I was told that they bend you until you break. I had no idea about this. He doesn't express himself well. I would talk to him about his job, but he didn't like to talk about it for too long. He would stay there to hang out after work sometimes and was always taking about the distillery on social media, so it wasn't apparent to me that he hated the place. He knows working there makes him look cool, so I figured he was frustrated there, but also happy at the same time, if that makes sense. He would talk a little about his work stresses at home. One day his hands were shaking he was so angry about work. He didn't want to talk about it for too long. So I let him be. However, I would then talk to him about a problem I had that day that I couldn't figure out how to solve. I was being bullied by a coworker, and I was overwhelmed by it. Nothing I did worked to fix the problem, so I just really needed his support. He is a problem solver, and I always think that he has the best advice. I always put him on a pedestal. It wasn't all stress at all times though. We would still laugh together and talk about other topics as well. He bought us a Nintendo Switch for after work so we could have more fun. And it was fun. He added me to his life insurance policy last fall (I didn't ask him to), so I thought that was a sign that our relationship was fine even though we were both stressed and burned out with life. He would complain about not having enough money. He was angry that some of his friends could afford a house and that he couldn't. He spent a lot of his savings without my knowledge. He would blame all of his financial problems on me, but then refused to sit down with me when I asked to make a budget. He always thinks he's right and thinks he's the smartest person in the room. He is very intelligent, but I think it's wrong to assume you're always the smartest. He said his dad taught him to think that way. He also told me that he didn't want to sacrifice for me to go back to medical school if I got back in. He said that medical school doesn't allow for enough time together or a "real relationship." He said he felt like he sacrificed enough for me by waiting for me to finish the first time. These comments are very unlike him. He was always so kind and thoughtful to me until last year. I was willing to change my goals and not have kids (he decided that they're too much stress and work) because he didn't want them any longer. He even threatened to break up with me when he wanted to move to a more expensive apartment complex downtown that I was not comfortable with. I just didn't have the money at the time. Instead of trying to compromise with me, he told me that I'm selfish because I chose our current apartment and he was fine with it. I agree that I did get my way a lot of the time with him, but he always allowed it. I never forced anything upon him. He broke up with me after he came back from a trip with his distillery friends. He was very late getting home to help me with some cleaning before my family came over for my brother's college graduation. I called him an hour after he said he would be home. When he finally got home, I was almost done getting ready for my brother's graduation party when he broke up with me. It was awful. I didn't have the money to move out right away. Before I moved out, he came home and told me that one of his coworkers told him that he should just kick me out because it was taking me too long to find a new place. Why repeat that to me? I'm still angry about that. No idea how or why he became this nasty. He said that he was relieved for me to go because he didn't want to help me solve my problems any longer. He made me feel like the worst person in the world. Like I ruined his life. He said he only wanted to focus on himself, his health, and friends now. We didn't talk for 7 months. And it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I couldn't eat and was losing my hair. However, I saw him last weekend because he was moving from our old place and he found some things in his apartment that were mine that I forgot to take. When he brought them over, he seemed pretty shaken up to see me. He was nervous, and I've literally never seen him act like that before. I worked hard on myself during that 7 month period of no contact. I was at a healthy weight again, and I started Prozac, so I was feeling less depressed about my life (minus over the breakup stuff). He came over and was complimenting my new place. And he was making sure that my new vacuum worked well (?!?!) and he was pointing out things in the boxes he brought over that he knew I would be happy to see again. I bought him flowers and his favorite candy for his new place. He asked if I was doing alright. He texted me a lot after he left. He said I look and seem much better now and that he hopes I continue to invest in myself more. But then he said it was hard to see me because I am more like my old self now, which he misses. We texted a bit more, and he admitted that seeing me again brought back so many memories and it was hard. He then told me that he needs to refill his cup because he feels he spent so many years pouring himself into me. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It makes me feel like a horrible person. He said he doesn't have the energy or desire for a relationship. He said he can't put in any more effort. I asked him if he saw a future with me and he lost his temper and made me feel bad for stressing him out with that question. He said thinking about it all made his chest tight and his head hurt. So I am just done trying even though it hurts like hell. I forgave him for many of his mistakes throughout our relationship that a lot of other girls probably wouldn't have. He has experienced depression in his life before, so I am shocked that he claims to understand mine, but actually just uses it against me to call me selfish for talking about my problems all the time. He really wasn't being supportive in effective ways. Looking back, I realize that he was just doing the bare minimum to help during the last year. But yet he thinks he was going above and beyond. He said I wasn't putting enough effort into our relationship, which makes me think he really doesn't remember his own depression issues from many years ago. His mom used to call him lazy, and I didn't believe it, but now I am starting to realize that he is. Historically, when I have a problem in life, I do everything in my power to resolve it. When he gets stressed, he takes the easier route. He told me that he needed to heal... which makes me feel like a monster. He told me that I am selfish for talking about my problems a lot, but then he admitted that he purposely didn't share the extent of his stress with his job because he knew I was going through so much on my own. And then he would turn it around and say that he did try to talk to me. I explained that getting frustrated with somebody who is depressed for venting too much is not effective. I was living in a mental fog 24/7. He said he doesn't want me to feel guilty, but then he tells me how selfish I am, so it's all very confusing. He dropped me at my lowest point. We were so close, but he started to drift away when he wasn't getting everything that he wanted. He just wants to be a single bachelor and not answer to anybody. I feel like a horrible person for being so needy for him when he was also stressed. Please somebody help me. He was my best friend and my hero.
Stringalong Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 11 minutes ago, Kombucha said: My boyfriend and I dated for ten years. We are both 30 and met in undergrad. He is a first generation American... his parents are from India and moved here for college (he was born in the US). He adored me and we were like two peas in a pod for many, many years. He is one of the smartest people I ever met. We always knew that we would get married. He always said he never wanted to marry an Indian girl. I am white and he liked that. I really thought I hit the jackpot for so many years. I started medical school in 2013. I worked very, very hard to get in to the program. It was so important and special to me that I made it there. I ended up having some health problems in 2016 and my grades declined, so I was dismissed from the program. I was devastated. I was severely depressed and had suicidal thoughts every single day. I was having intrusive thoughts that I was a failure. My boyfriend was helpful during the initial stages of my grief. I applied to lower tier medical school program to get back in and took the MCAT over again. I even took more classes in college to boost my gpa to get back in. It was horrible and painful, but I felt it was the right thing to do for myself. I went to therapy and was trying really hard to get out of this horrible time. It took me about three and a half years to move on from what happened in medical school. Trauma is hard to overcome. I never got back into medical school, which I am at peace with now. (I recently found another related field that is a better fit.) But I went through hell for 3.5 years and my boyfriend ended up using my struggles against me during our tenth year together. He made me feel like a selfish person, and I hate myself for it. I was suffering a lot because I realized last fall that I was never going to get back into medical school. It was my childhood dream to become a doctor. I lived with my boyfriend, so I would express my concerns and anxieties to him after work many nights a week. I wasn't making much money and was stressed about finances. Nothing was going well for me despite my efforts. My therapist was helping. She said that I was handling this all well, and that I am one of the hardest workers that she knows, but I still felt scared and needed reassurance from my boyfriend that I would not be a loser for the rest of my life. He would get very annoyed with me. My primary care doctor told me that she believed I had a form of PTSD from the trauma. I would express that I wasn't feeling back to my old self still, and I was scared that I would always feel depressed despite my best efforts. My mind was a living hell. I felt trapped no matter what I did to improve my life. He was helpful until 2019. He works in a distillery as the program manager. It was his dream to work there. He left academia to pursue this. After he got promoted, he would come home grumpy after work many days. He never likes to show that he is weak in any way, so he was good at hiding the depth of his frustrations with his job. He is really good at making hard things look easy. I was not fully aware of how angry he was with his current role at work. I learned after our breakup from one of his former coworkers that he had the most stressful job in the distillery. I was told that they bend you until you break. I had no idea about this. He doesn't express himself well. I would talk to him about his job, but he didn't like to talk about it for too long. He would stay there to hang out after work sometimes and was always taking about the distillery on social media, so it wasn't apparent to me that he hated the place. He knows working there makes him look cool, so I figured he was frustrated there, but also happy at the same time, if that makes sense. He would talk a little about his work stresses at home. One day his hands were shaking he was so angry about work. He didn't want to talk about it for too long. So I let him be. However, I would then talk to him about a problem I had that day that I couldn't figure out how to solve. I was being bullied by a coworker, and I was overwhelmed by it. Nothing I did worked to fix the problem, so I just really needed his support. He is a problem solver, and I always think that he has the best advice. I always put him on a pedestal. It wasn't all stress at all times though. We would still laugh together and talk about other topics as well. He bought us a Nintendo Switch for after work so we could have more fun. And it was fun. He added me to his life insurance policy last fall (I didn't ask him to), so I thought that was a sign that our relationship was fine even though we were both stressed and burned out with life. He would complain about not having enough money. He was angry that some of his friends could afford a house and that he couldn't. He spent a lot of his savings without my knowledge. He would blame all of his financial problems on me, but then refused to sit down with me when I asked to make a budget. He always thinks he's right and thinks he's the smartest person in the room. He is very intelligent, but I think it's wrong to assume you're always the smartest. He said his dad taught him to think that way. He also told me that he didn't want to sacrifice for me to go back to medical school if I got back in. He said that medical school doesn't allow for enough time together or a "real relationship." He said he felt like he sacrificed enough for me by waiting for me to finish the first time. These comments are very unlike him. He was always so kind and thoughtful to me until last year. I was willing to change my goals and not have kids (he decided that they're too much stress and work) because he didn't want them any longer. He even threatened to break up with me when he wanted to move to a more expensive apartment complex downtown that I was not comfortable with. I just didn't have the money at the time. Instead of trying to compromise with me, he told me that I'm selfish because I chose our current apartment and he was fine with it. I agree that I did get my way a lot of the time with him, but he always allowed it. I never forced anything upon him. He broke up with me after he came back from a trip with his distillery friends. He was very late getting home to help me with some cleaning before my family came over for my brother's college graduation. I called him an hour after he said he would be home. When he finally got home, I was almost done getting ready for my brother's graduation party when he broke up with me. It was awful. I didn't have the money to move out right away. Before I moved out, he came home and told me that one of his coworkers told him that he should just kick me out because it was taking me too long to find a new place. Why repeat that to me? I'm still angry about that. No idea how or why he became this nasty. He said that he was relieved for me to go because he didn't want to help me solve my problems any longer. He made me feel like the worst person in the world. Like I ruined his life. He said he only wanted to focus on himself, his health, and friends now. We didn't talk for 7 months. And it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I couldn't eat and was losing my hair. However, I saw him last weekend because he was moving from our old place and he found some things in his apartment that were mine that I forgot to take. When he brought them over, he seemed pretty shaken up to see me. He was nervous, and I've literally never seen him act like that before. I worked hard on myself during that 7 month period of no contact. I was at a healthy weight again, and I started Prozac, so I was feeling less depressed about my life (minus over the breakup stuff). He came over and was complimenting my new place. And he was making sure that my new vacuum worked well (?!?!) and he was pointing out things in the boxes he brought over that he knew I would be happy to see again. I bought him flowers and his favorite candy for his new place. He asked if I was doing alright. He texted me a lot after he left. He said I look and seem much better now and that he hopes I continue to invest in myself more. But then he said it was hard to see me because I am more like my old self now, which he misses. We texted a bit more, and he admitted that seeing me again brought back so many memories and it was hard. He then told me that he needs to refill his cup because he feels he spent so many years pouring himself into me. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It makes me feel like a horrible person. He said he doesn't have the energy or desire for a relationship. He said he can't put in any more effort. I asked him if he saw a future with me and he lost his temper and made me feel bad for stressing him out with that question. He said thinking about it all made his chest tight and his head hurt. So I am just done trying even though it hurts like hell. I forgave him for many of his mistakes throughout our relationship that a lot of other girls probably wouldn't have. He has experienced depression in his life before, so I am shocked that he claims to understand mine, but actually just uses it against me to call me selfish for talking about my problems all the time. He really wasn't being supportive in effective ways. Looking back, I realize that he was just doing the bare minimum to help during the last year. But yet he thinks he was going above and beyond. He said I wasn't putting enough effort into our relationship, which makes me think he really doesn't remember his own depression issues from many years ago. His mom used to call him lazy, and I didn't believe it, but now I am starting to realize that he is. Historically, when I have a problem in life, I do everything in my power to resolve it. When he gets stressed, he takes the easier route. He told me that he needed to heal... which makes me feel like a monster. He told me that I am selfish for talking about my problems a lot, but then he admitted that he purposely didn't share the extent of his stress with his job because he knew I was going through so much on my own. And then he would turn it around and say that he did try to talk to me. I explained that getting frustrated with somebody who is depressed for venting too much is not effective. I was living in a mental fog 24/7. He said he doesn't want me to feel guilty, but then he tells me how selfish I am, so it's all very confusing. He dropped me at my lowest point. We were so close, but he started to drift away when he wasn't getting everything that he wanted. He just wants to be a single bachelor and not answer to anybody. I feel like a horrible person for being so needy for him when he was also stressed. Please somebody help me. He was my best friend and my hero. I had a similar situation happen and I just seen him with my former friend, at a coffee shop!! Men always move on so quick. He will be with your best friend before you finish writing your post. My advice, let em go!
Author Kombucha Posted September 13, 2020 Author Posted September 13, 2020 My ex boyfriend and I dated for ten years. We worked so well together for so long. He always told me I was out of his league. He was very considerate of me and selfless. A few years ago, I had to leave medical school due to health problems. I was devastated. I lost a lot of money (student loans), my med school friends, my childhood dream, years and years of studying, etc. I was very depressed and suicidal. And traumatized by how it all happened. I’ve been doing anything (working, going back to school, etc.) and everything for the last few years to get my life back. I have had to FIGHT to get myself back. It has been hell. My ex was supportive of me, but he was becoming extremely stressed with his new job. If I was having a rough day, he had no patience for me. He said he didn’t want to hear me talk about anything negative. And he would ignore me by scrolling through Instagram if I talked. He used to be so kind and never had a problem with what I talked about. He used to make me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He started to resent me and said that I’m not like I used to be. He knew I had depression and suicidal thoughts. He also has depression, but he never wants to look weak, so you would never really know if he didn’t say anything. He said he didn’t want to hear about my problems anymore because he dealt with enough at work. He had a stressful job running a startup company in our city. He broke up with me right before a family event. He told me that I was trying to control him because I asked him if he could let me know what time he would home from a boy’s trip to help me clean our apartment. **He also said that he couldn’t sacrifice his life to help me get mine.** (I never asked him to?) He felt like my problems were keeping him from focusing on his. And he complained that I decorated the apartment the way that I wanted and that his personality wasn’t represented. Except he never really gave me input when I would shop for decor. He would live like a frat boy if I hadn’t moved in. He didn’t make it clear to me that he was annoyed by it until it boiled over. This is shocking and surprising to me, because I was always there for him and helped motivate him finish his three degrees. He said he would have never finished them without me. But many times I did require more help/time from him because school was more challenging for me than it was for him. I also caught him flirting with a married woman he met in college via Snapchat a couple years ago. And I forgave it. We didn’t talk to six months after breaking up. Last week, he brought over some things to my new apartment that I left at his. He was really nice about everything and texted me as soon as he left that I look much better (I lost 20 pounds since he last saw me) and that he hopes I continue to invest in myself. He then said that he is frustrated that I am out doing “all of these things” now because he said he tried to get me to listen about how to help myself for years. He acknowledged that we were both burned out on life and that he wants me to make myself happy. He is also OBSESSED with his guy friends now. He said all he wants to do is work, hang out with his friends, focus on defining himself outside of work, and focus on his health. He said that this isn’t about me anymore. I asked if he ever wanted to talk to me again, and he said “No. is that what you needed to hear?” I feel like I was a burden to him. And that he will find a better girl than me.
TeddyBundy1993 Posted September 13, 2020 Posted September 13, 2020 Dont be sad and blame yourself for demise of this relationship. Being toghter at rough time actually represent the true strength of a relationship. You had depression and it took a toll on your relationship with him. It will be difficult for you to let go and move on bcz you invested too much in it. Though the years things changed and seems your ex changed into completely new person. Tbh to me he looks like a selfish man who couldn't be polite to a person who was with him for the past 10 years. Yeahh let him hang with his buddies and maybe he will find a better girl too. If you move on in life you'll find a better man too. He has called an end and probably you should get rid of all memories triggers belonging to him. You weren't a burden on him, he was just self observed punk. It's better you didnt married him. I hope you are getting help for your depression dear. He will never be successful in relationship atleast bcz he wants perfect girl who always smiles and doesnt gets depressed, which he will never get bcz such girl doesnt exist. Moreover please dont talk to him, block him everywhere. You were a awesome girlfriend hes unlucky. You will meet someone else someday who will be better than him. Take care 2
kendahke Posted September 14, 2020 Posted September 14, 2020 21 hours ago, Kombucha said: I feel like I was a burden to him. And that he will find a better girl than me. You both grew apart. It's as simple as that. The obstacles life put in your paths caused you both to develop in ways not anticipated by the other. Your first order of business is getting your life to where you want it. What he's doing and who he's doing it with is no longer your concern. Yeah, he may find a better girl than you--and he also may find someone who drags him through the pits of hell for a laugh---either way, not your problem. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2020 Posted September 14, 2020 After 10 years you two ran your course. It didn't end together. He will find somebody else. So will you. It's just that it won't be each other. I was with a guy for 10 years through my 20s & into my early 30s. He never wanted to do things. Now he does all sorts of things I would have loved for him to do. It took me leaving to make him wake up. Yes that made me sad but by the time I learned how he had opened up I was already married to an amazing guy. Trust that the best is yet to come & leave him in your rear view mirror. If you are all sorted, with your stuff back etc. disconnect from him on all platforms. Then you won't know about his buddy obession nor will you know when he starts dating again, Meanwhile do what you need to do to get back on track yourself. 2
Author Kombucha Posted October 4, 2020 Author Posted October 4, 2020 My ex and I dated for ten years. We had our own perfect little world. He was so nice and kind and attentive to me. I had no doubt that he was the right one for me. We made a great team. He is a first generation American (parents are from India) and I am white. Things were great until I failed out of medical school due to health problems when I was almost done with the program. I lost a lot of money, friends, my childhood dream, etc. I was depressed, but I fought to get my life back over the next few years. I sought out therapy, I was working full-time, and I took classes to help get me into a master’s program. I was dying inside still and was traumatized from the experience in medical school. But I was working towards growth and recovery. My ex told me that I wasn’t the same any longer. That I wasn’t as funny and full of life as I used to be. He said that he didn’t want to help me solve my problems anymore because he had enough of his own at work. He also randomly decided that he didn’t want kids because they’re too much work. He didn’t even discuss with me, he just decided. And he was becoming a little controlling. He eventually told me that he didn’t want sex until I started acting like a normal girlfriend. He would do nice things for me like make my lunch for work, help me with homework, bought my plane tickets for a couple of vacations, etc. But he was also struggling with his career and was making switches with what he wanted to do in his life. He also suffers with depression, but you would never know because he hides it and doesn’t want to be seen as weak. He made a switch from academia to working as a manager in a startup distillery in our city. This job has changed him due to the people he’s around. It’s like he is trying to impress them all the time because they’re cool and hip. He used to be a science nerd and now he was a cool guy working with other cool guys. But he was stressed beyond belief with the demands of the job and would come home and tell me he didn’t want to hear about my problems because he had enough of his own. He would yell at me sometimes if I asked him for help with random things around the apartment. He blamed me for not being able to afford a house (it’s definitely not my fault - he wouldn’t sit down to create a budget with me or talk about money). He broke up with me right before a big family event of mine. He had become increasingly nasty to me due to his work stress. He said that he can’t sacrifice himself and his life for me. And if I ever had anything halfway stressful to talk about he would tell me he was “over it.” And blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Anything stressful that I mentioned was a catastrophe for him and made me awful in his eyes. He would even come home and tell me that his coworkers were wondering why I wasn’t moving out fast enough (I couldn’t afford to for a bit). And that his friends were criticizing that I chose to move to an apartment that wasn’t far from his. It felt so gross to see him change this way. He would be really nice like his old self and then snap to be really mean. He said he just wants to hang out with friends and do things that make him happy. He told me that he has lived his life under the expectations of others for too long (his parents were very controlling) and that he wants to feel free. I saw him six months after I moved out. He was nervous to talk to me. He texted me later that I am more like I used to be and that it hurts him that I am only getting better now that he broke up with me. And he said he tried to talk to me “sooooo” many times about this before, but that I wouldn’t take his suggestions for help. When in reality I was working on myself to recover from trauma, and he ignores his mental health issues and is blaming me. Now all he does is hang around with his distillery bros and tries to impress them. I am hurt beyond belief. Somebody tell me something to make me feel better because I feel like absolutely garbage and like it’s my fault. And like he will do better than me. Please help me feel better because I feel like a burden.
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 Sorry to hear that. Good you moved out. You're not compatible. He was a jerk all along, this just brought it to the surface. Focus on your mental and physical health. Make sure you are seeing a doctor and therapist about it. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Avoid him. Reconnect with friends and family. Keep in mind partners should be compassionate but not be a substitute for appropriate mental health care. 2
stillafool Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 You two simply outgrew each other. His values changed and you were no longer compatible. Why would you need him to help you with your budget to buy a house? What trauma did you go through? 15 hours ago, Kombucha said: When in reality I was working on myself to recover from trauma, and he ignores his mental health issues and is blaming me.
Acacia98 Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 15 hours ago, Kombucha said: My ex and I dated for ten years. We had our own perfect little world. He was so nice and kind and attentive to me. I had no doubt that he was the right one for me. We made a great team. He is a first generation American (parents are from India) and I am white. Things were great until I failed out of medical school due to health problems when I was almost done with the program. I lost a lot of money, friends, my childhood dream, etc. I was depressed, but I fought to get my life back over the next few years. I sought out therapy, I was working full-time, and I took classes to help get me into a master’s program. I was dying inside still and was traumatized from the experience in medical school. But I was working towards growth and recovery. My ex told me that I wasn’t the same any longer. That I wasn’t as funny and full of life as I used to be. He said that he didn’t want to help me solve my problems anymore because he had enough of his own at work. He also randomly decided that he didn’t want kids because they’re too much work. He didn’t even discuss with me, he just decided. And he was becoming a little controlling. He eventually told me that he didn’t want sex until I started acting like a normal girlfriend. He would do nice things for me like make my lunch for work, help me with homework, bought my plane tickets for a couple of vacations, etc. But he was also struggling with his career and was making switches with what he wanted to do in his life. He also suffers with depression, but you would never know because he hides it and doesn’t want to be seen as weak. He made a switch from academia to working as a manager in a startup distillery in our city. This job has changed him due to the people he’s around. It’s like he is trying to impress them all the time because they’re cool and hip. He used to be a science nerd and now he was a cool guy working with other cool guys. But he was stressed beyond belief with the demands of the job and would come home and tell me he didn’t want to hear about my problems because he had enough of his own. He would yell at me sometimes if I asked him for help with random things around the apartment. He blamed me for not being able to afford a house (it’s definitely not my fault - he wouldn’t sit down to create a budget with me or talk about money). He broke up with me right before a big family event of mine. He had become increasingly nasty to me due to his work stress. He said that he can’t sacrifice himself and his life for me. And if I ever had anything halfway stressful to talk about he would tell me he was “over it.” And blaming me for everything wrong in his life. Anything stressful that I mentioned was a catastrophe for him and made me awful in his eyes. He would even come home and tell me that his coworkers were wondering why I wasn’t moving out fast enough (I couldn’t afford to for a bit). And that his friends were criticizing that I chose to move to an apartment that wasn’t far from his. It felt so gross to see him change this way. He would be really nice like his old self and then snap to be really mean. He said he just wants to hang out with friends and do things that make him happy. He told me that he has lived his life under the expectations of others for too long (his parents were very controlling) and that he wants to feel free. I saw him six months after I moved out. He was nervous to talk to me. He texted me later that I am more like I used to be and that it hurts him that I am only getting better now that he broke up with me. And he said he tried to talk to me “sooooo” many times about this before, but that I wouldn’t take his suggestions for help. When in reality I was working on myself to recover from trauma, and he ignores his mental health issues and is blaming me. Now all he does is hang around with his distillery bros and tries to impress them. I am hurt beyond belief. Somebody tell me something to make me feel better because I feel like absolutely garbage and like it’s my fault. And like he will do better than me. Please help me feel better because I feel like a burden. I'm thinking various things. One is that you outgrew each other. Another is that you were incompatible (especially where finances and communication and things like the desire for children were concerned). A third is that you both need to focus on your mental health and on getting better--as individuals. I think your ex-boyfriend struggles to prioritize his own needs (it's probably something he learned in his family). He ended up proritizing your needs and ignoring his own, so he eventually started to feel like he was drowning. I don't think it's your fault. Blaming you as he does is too easy. I do think you both played roles in what ultimately happened. But neither of you did so maliciously. You were just two human beings struggling to navigate through extremely difficult circumstances without the best tools to help you do so. You also both didn't have the best boundaries in the world, so you both had somewhat unreasonable expectations of each other. Ultimately, though, he knew he had a problem and he should have gotten help for it. That was always his responsibility. Not yours. Don't feel guilty about what happened. It won't help you or him. Try to spend this time doing everything you can to get better and learning about heathier relationship practices. You should probably go no contact. That will give you both the opportunity to focus on yourselves. And, in his case, in particular, he will be have to stop using your existence as an excuse for not getting help for himself. 1
lonelyplanetmoon Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 I am sorry you are going through this. You say he left you at your lowest point but I thought your lowest point was when you left medical school? Wasn’t he there for you then? I think you should be honest with yourself about being overly dependent on him. You are responsible for your own happiness. He cannot be the one to give you happiness. And life throws us curveballs, you have to be open to the opportunities that open up when doors close. Being too rigid in what you want in life may do you more harm than good. It sounds to me that he gave and compromised while you got your way by citing your dreams as the reasons why things should go your way. Relationships are a two way street. Building a life together requires acknowledging what you both want out of life and working toward a common goal. If you feel guilty then explore that with your therapist so it can help you in your future relationships. 1
Author Kombucha Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 12 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: I am sorry you are going through this. You say he left you at your lowest point but I thought your lowest point was when you left medical school? Wasn’t he there for you then? I think you should be honest with yourself about being overly dependent on him. You are responsible for your own happiness. He cannot be the one to give you happiness. And life throws us curveballs, you have to be open to the opportunities that open up when doors close. Being too rigid in what you want in life may do you more harm than good. It sounds to me that he gave and compromised while you got your way by citing your dreams as the reasons why things should go your way. Relationships are a two way street. Building a life together requires acknowledging what you both want out of life and working toward a common goal. If you feel guilty then explore that with your therapist so it can help you in your future relationships. Well now I feel like a terrible person. This response makes me feel like it’s all my fault. We both made compromises. The things he complained about with me were not communicated effectively, or else I would have made changes faster. Yes, he was there for me right after I left med school. However, things took awhile for me to get back on track and he knew I was struggling despite doing everything in my power to fix my career. Leaving medical school is not something people talk about a lot... but let me tell you... it’s hellish and scary. And I caught him flirting with a married woman about a year after leaving med school and he threatened to kick me out when I told him I found out. And right after he broke up with me he started talking to her again. It hurts so much.
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 15 minutes ago, Kombucha said: And I caught him flirting with a married woman about a year after leaving med school and he threatened to kick me out when I told him I found out. And right after he broke up with me he started talking to her again. It hurts so much. This ^^^ is the real issue. Stop beating yourself up. HE was cheating, I guess all along, at least since it all started to go bad between the two of you. He is blaming you, as the only alternative is to blame himself and that would never do... He cheated as YOU forced him into it... It is the common cheater claim
Author Kombucha Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: This ^^^ is the real issue. Stop beating yourself up. HE was cheating, I guess all along, at least since it all started to go bad between the two of you. He is blaming you, as the only alternative is to blame himself and that would never do... He cheated as YOU forced him into it... It is the common cheater claim Well I only saw that they were snap chatting. She is a therapist and her husband has had cancer on and off. She donated part of her liver to him actually. It’s all weird. But I opened a Snapchat message and one of them said that they wondered what things would have been like had they dated. That was in 2017. He disconnected from her on all accounts after that and I never saw any communication with them on social media again. But a month after he broke up with me he was following her again on Instagram. She’s still married and recently posted a go fund me to help with her husband’s healthcare. My ex said her husband was being a jerk and this girl (well she’s 31 and they’ve been married for at least six years) moved out and she didn’t have many people to talk to because all of their friends were mutual. He said that he was just trying to help her. Well then I noticed that this girl kept liking all of the pictures he posted to the social media account for his distillery (he runs the Instagram). She is not even somebody I would imagine him ever dating. It’s all weird. She comes from a small town. Part of me wonders if she helps him with his mental health because she is a therapist and he knows he has depression. I don’t know.
Author Kombucha Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 Do cheaters usually blame their significant others when they leave? Especially when the person being left doesn’t know they’ve been cheated on or left for somebody else?
Wiseman2 Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 11 hours ago, Kombucha said: Do cheaters usually blame their significant others when they leave? Especially when the person being left doesn’t know they’ve been cheated on or left for somebody else? You moved out and that's good. Did you cheat on him or do you think he cheated on you? Was he scheduled for an arranged marriage with someone from his own culture and religion?
Author Kombucha Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You moved out and that's good. Did you cheat on him or do you think he cheated on you? Was he scheduled for an arranged marriage with someone from his own culture and religion? He cheated on me. Not physically. But I would catch him flirting with girls online. It was never anything major that I saw, but who knows. He did ask one girl to hang out and then deleted her immediately because he said he felt bad. But he treated me so well that I ignored it all.
kendahke Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 2 hours ago, Kombucha said: He cheated on me. Not physically. But I would catch him flirting with girls online. It was never anything major that I saw, but who knows. He did ask one girl to hang out and then deleted her immediately because he said he felt bad. But he treated me so well that I ignored it all. This sounds like you two were on completely different paths as far as you two heading towards a future and neither of you cared to find out where the other was actually going. Ignoring stuff like this is the second worst thing you can do. The first worst thing is convincing yourself that the relationship you have is worth you ignoring blatant disrespect for your esteem because you needed someplace to lay your head at night.
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