Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 3 hours ago, ld1991 said: then all of this college work, training for placement, meetings, her part time job, gym has got on top of her and maybe she needs to take a step back from me. Still Im annoyed why she has not communicated this to me She did communicate all this to you, otherwise how would you know about all that plus the doctor, etc.? All you can do is let her reflect in her space and see if she reaches out. You're right to not smother her.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 She sounds upset about something, but OP, for all you know? It might not be something you did. Who knows, maybe an old flame has resurfaced. Maybe she's not the honest person you thought she was and she's been hiding something (or someone). Maybe she's a moody person and you're just now seeing that side of her. It could be a multitude of different things. It sucks to feel like you don't have much clarity, but you now know you weren't wrong in wondering if something was off. Your instinct was talking to you here.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 If I need a break from someone at two months, then I don't feel comfortable with the person and the relationship is basically dead. Yes, I did flaky stuff like this when I was younger--I didn't know my pulling away meant I was not interested. But looking back, low interest was definitely the cause. 2
Mystery4u Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 7 hours ago, ld1991 said: She just replied and said this ' due to everything thats going on i want to leave us here for now,, im being serious btw despite my jokes before. Got too much on and havent got the time. hope you understand and good luck with everything. I then said so did you not believe me when i said id be relaxed and supportive until the end and she said i have no idea i just dont want to do this anymore... and then i just said, well i have no idea where this has come from considering how good we were, whtever you do what you want then.. and i just left it at that. Not surprising, we were all saying this was going to happen from the start of this thread. You will get over it. In future when you meet someone, and they are willing to prioritise work/study/socialising/gym etc etc over you, then you know their interest levels do not match yours.
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 7 hours ago, ld1991 said: She just replied and said this ' due to everything thats going on i want to leave us here for now,, hope you understand and good luck with everything. and she said i have no idea i just dont want to do this anymore... Excellent. now you can relax and not wonder. She could have been more forthcoming much sooner. You can delete her and her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Sounds like she needs another 2 mo fast and furious high. You dodged a bullet. 1
Author ld1991 Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 What the.... so tonight she re added me on instagram.... hasnt messaged me though..
Wiseman2 Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 50 minutes ago, ld1991 said: What the.... so tonight she re added me on instagram.... hasnt messaged me though.. Friendzone.
schlumpy Posted October 10, 2020 Posted October 10, 2020 59 minutes ago, ld1991 said: What the.... so tonight she re added me on instagram.... hasnt messaged me though.. Can she see you looking?
Author ld1991 Posted October 10, 2020 Author Posted October 10, 2020 (edited) So she re-added me, I was like well whats going on here, why you adding me when you removed me last week? she then said yeah that was probably a bit hasty, i then said so why you adding me again??? she said why not, and I just said.. well i dont want to play games, you either want to be with me or you dont... then she said I didnt think youd accept me to be honest... i dont want to play games either but you did piss me off... I then said ok, what did I do? and then I will apologise or try to explain... she then just read that and didnt reply... The only thing i can think of is this, and if this is the actual reason then its pathetic... basically over a week ago i bought a kitten, brought it home, then i dont know it didnt feel right, i didnt think it all through properly and the expense that would come with it.. i live alone and sometimes get lonely so just jumped at the opportunity without thinking it through. When i got home and decided i didnt want it i then took it back to the owners and got my money back.. she was annoyed at the whole think as she said i could not do that to an animal... Ok yeah i get that i messed up, but i gave it back the original owners, its not like i abused it or anything like that... i made a mistake, learnt from it and moved on from there.. Thats the only thing i can think of because she was really annoyed at that. Edited October 10, 2020 by ld1991 edit
Author ld1991 Posted October 11, 2020 Author Posted October 11, 2020 So it was partly the above.... Also I annoyed her when i said can she go out and do some food shopping for me as i wasted some money on that cat! (I was obviously joking about that but she took it the wrong way) Also other things like the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing when weve only been dating for almost 2 months... and me being over the top sometimes telling her i have stuff planned for her birthday or Xmas... that put her off... so now she wants to take a step back and just call it dating and whatever comes fromm that naturally will... i kind of get that and see where ive been going wrong.. She recognised that she maybe needs to call me out more instead of keeping things in but hates arguing.. I have told her though im not willing for her to date other people, shes either in it with just me or its nothing.. and she was fine with that as she was never thinking of that.. she just wants to focus on finishing her college work and taking a step back...
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 She just does want to continue dating you and was looking for her exit, OP. It's time to stop contact with her.
schlumpy Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 Sometime in the future you will date someone who within a month will be planning the wedding and your whole life. She will also do impulsive acts that will not work out well. At that crucial moment you will have an epiphany.
Author ld1991 Posted October 11, 2020 Author Posted October 11, 2020 Just spoke to her on the phone now, she has missed me... kept things inside and the whole stress of her studies and placement got on top of her... i did say no matter how busy she is she could easily send a text and she agreed... we had a good conversation.. guess I will see how this thing plays out, i think its a case of taking a step back and not going in too intense too quickly like i did before.
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 10 minutes ago, ld1991 said: i did say no matter how busy she is she could easily send a text Sorry to hear that. If you need to demand communication from someone, you need to reconsider. You need to stop badgering her and accept that it's not working. Why not pull out of this and find someone to date who is more compatible with your communication style. Try not to suffocate anyone like this. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 24 minutes ago, ld1991 said: Just spoke to her on the phone now, she has missed me... kept things inside and the whole stress of her studies and placement got on top of her... i did say no matter how busy she is she could easily send a text and she agreed... . Be cautious here, OP. People like this have a tendency to continuously blow hot and cold. 1
Author ld1991 Posted October 11, 2020 Author Posted October 11, 2020 29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Be cautious here, OP. People like this have a tendency to continuously blow hot and cold. I know, I experienced it with my ex gf... but I do recognse how i was smothering her too quickly and too soon... I will be cautious but trust me I wont take no crap.
Wiseman2 Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, ld1991 said: I do recognse how i was smothering her too quickly and too soon... And you still are with that queasy remark about "it only takes a minute to text me"
Author ld1991 Posted October 11, 2020 Author Posted October 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: And you still are with that queasy remark about "it only takes a minute to text me" Thats because its true? I was telling her how I knew things were going bad when she was not reaching out like normal... and she agreed.. nothing queasy about that.
Acacia98 Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 On 10/7/2020 at 6:16 PM, poppyfields said: You sound apathetic OP. She might have felt this from you too. Like I said, in your effort to appear "supportive and not needy," you came off apathetic. I don't know, but something sounds very off, it sounds as if she's angry with you. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think it would have made a difference what he did. She sounds like the sort of person who's super-enthusiatic about a relationship at the beginning, sings the guy's praises from the mountaintop (she actually said it was the best sex she ever had), practically turns him into a god. The, just as suddenly, she loses interest and has no time for him. If I'm right, it's not something he did or said. It's just who she is. I think it's possible her feelings don't go that deep. It's all shallow fun and games for her. But she really believes she's in love in the moment. And then she's not and she moves on quickly and efficiently. I wouldn't be surprised to learn a new "Adonis" had taken his place. 1
Acacia98 Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 (edited) OP, we've all weighed in with theories, myself included. But I really don't think the "why" matters. What matters is that communication, emotional intimacy, and consistency are important to you. They all proved to be missing ingredients in this relationship. So you would have been unhappy anyway if, by some miracle, you were still together. There's nothing wrong with wanting those things in a relationship. So make a point of dating women who genuinely value the same things in the long term. Another thing: get into the habit of not believing the things people say about themselves. They are rarely true. The person who claims to be too honest often turns out to be the opposite. --- ETA: Oh, she's back... And you're actually giving her the time of day? Sounds like a disaster in the making. Edited October 11, 2020 by Acacia98 1
Acacia98 Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: Sometime in the future you will date someone who within a month will be planning the wedding and your whole life. She will also do impulsive acts that will not work out well. At that crucial moment you will have an epiphany. Sounds like she could be that person. They're both guilty of amping up the intensity.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2020 Posted October 11, 2020 36 minutes ago, ld1991 said: I know, I experienced it with my ex gf... but I do recognse how i was smothering her too quickly and too soon... I will be cautious but trust me I wont take no crap. That's good, because it's already started.
kismetkismet Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Seems to me that she likes you, just not ENOUGH. There doesn't have to be a specific reason for that, it's often not something you can explain. That's probably why she's been a bit wishy washy about the 'breakup.' She's not totally sold on the relationship, so when she's busy/stressed, the things that annoy her about you bother her enough to back away. But when she gets a bit bored or lonely she talks herself out of being annoyed by those things. It's up to you whether you want to stick around while she sees if she's going to develop stronger feelings for you, but in my experience that rarely happens.
curlygirl40 Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 I'm going to give my 2cents here but remember, when people chime in, often the advice is also slanted based on past experiences, etc. and I am no exception. The advice I'm going to give you is based on a relationship I had about 10 years ago. The fact that you did mention a handful of times that you were not needy, trying not to be needy, etc., etc. SO much strategy and overthinking involved here. One thing is that when you are needy, even if you think you're not acting needy, not texting too much, etc, other people can FEEL the neediness. You think you are hiding it, but you are not. I guarantee she can feel it coming from you even if you think you are acting cool. I heard a line once that so stuck with me. 'When people are needy, it's because their needs aren't being met'. It's likely you felt needy because she wasn't meeting your needs in some ways. She backed away, she got busy, you started to fret, you could feel her pulling away therefore you got even more nutty about it. And even if you think you were acting cool, she could feel it. I'm sure of it. I am thinking here that her reaction is a combination of things. She is busy. She has some legitimate things on her plate. She is a worrier. She said herself how she needed to take time to get back on track or whatever. I feel like that sometimes and I get it. But here is the issue. (IMO) You have only been together 2 months. You're still learning about each other. When you have an established connection and established relationship, your partner will rely on you. They will consider you their soft place to fall. Someone they can go silent on for 1/2 a day or so and know that they will still be there for you when you resurface because you've had a s***ty day. You aren't there yet. So if she's stressed and you are feeling needy, then to her, you are like 'something else she has to do'. You never want someone else to feel this way about you. Instead of someone she looks forward to connecting with at the end of her crazy day, you started to feel like another obligation. Because likely instead of living your life and cheering her on, you were waiting and counting the hours and upset and she somehow KNEW it. She felt it. So when this happens, it's easier for people to cut the person out of their life instead of trying to add that other thing to juggle. A relationship is work, but it shouldn't feel like a job, it shouldn't feel like something else on their plate, it shouldn't feel like an obligation. And my guess is that for some reason she started to feel this way about you. And the more it felt that way, the harder it was for her to reach out to you to just say hi. Because she knew it wasn't going to be light and easy and fun. It was going to be work. It doesn't mean you are wrong with how you felt or any of your actions, it could just mean you're incompatible. And unfriending you or whatever is weird. And then adding you back, also weird. You were probably going too quickly for her and with everything else she had going on she was tired and annoyed by it. Even if you weren't really doing anything wrong. I see now she's back in the picture so take it slow but I don't have good feelings about this. I think your relationship styles/wants are not compatible. Best of luck 3
Annonymous1234 Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, curlygirl40 said: I'm going to give my 2cents here but remember, when people chime in, often the advice is also slanted based on past experiences, etc. and I am no exception. The advice I'm going to give you is based on a relationship I had about 10 years ago. The fact that you did mention a handful of times that you were not needy, trying not to be needy, etc., etc. SO much strategy and overthinking involved here. One thing is that when you are needy, even if you think you're not acting needy, not texting too much, etc, other people can FEEL the neediness. You think you are hiding it, but you are not. I guarantee she can feel it coming from you even if you think you are acting cool. I heard a line once that so stuck with me. 'When people are needy, it's because their needs aren't being met'. It's likely you felt needy because she wasn't meeting your needs in some ways. She backed away, she got busy, you started to fret, you could feel her pulling away therefore you got even more nutty about it. And even if you think you were acting cool, she could feel it. I'm sure of it. I am thinking here that her reaction is a combination of things. She is busy. She has some legitimate things on her plate. She is a worrier. She said herself how she needed to take time to get back on track or whatever. I feel like that sometimes and I get it. But here is the issue. (IMO) You have only been together 2 months. You're still learning about each other. When you have an established connection and established relationship, your partner will rely on you. They will consider you their soft place to fall. Someone they can go silent on for 1/2 a day or so and know that they will still be there for you when you resurface because you've had a s***ty day. You aren't there yet. So if she's stressed and you are feeling needy, then to her, you are like 'something else she has to do'. You never want someone else to feel this way about you. Instead of someone she looks forward to connecting with at the end of her crazy day, you started to feel like another obligation. Because likely instead of living your life and cheering her on, you were waiting and counting the hours and upset and she somehow KNEW it. She felt it. So when this happens, it's easier for people to cut the person out of their life instead of trying to add that other thing to juggle. A relationship is work, but it shouldn't feel like a job, it shouldn't feel like something else on their plate, it shouldn't feel like an obligation. And my guess is that for some reason she started to feel this way about you. And the more it felt that way, the harder it was for her to reach out to you to just say hi. Because she knew it wasn't going to be light and easy and fun. It was going to be work. It doesn't mean you are wrong with how you felt or any of your actions, it could just mean you're incompatible. And unfriending you or whatever is weird. And then adding you back, also weird. You were probably going too quickly for her and with everything else she had going on she was tired and annoyed by it. Even if you weren't really doing anything wrong. I see now she's back in the picture so take it slow but I don't have good feelings about this. I think your relationship styles/wants are not compatible. Best of luck I think this insight is excellent and accurate. Edited October 14, 2020 by Selkie1111 2
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