Lotsgoingon Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 You keep saying you're being supportive. That doesn't make sense. If someone is pulling away, you cannot be supportive. Supportive assumes intimate contact and intimacy and lots of time together. Supportive means you're sick and I take care of you for a week. Or your mother needs your help and you feel overwhelmed and so you call me and bend my ear for an hour, giving me details of what you're going through. Supportive is close and intimate. Supportive is my close friend calling me from the ER to tell me that her husband has just been hospitalized and has gotten a scary prognosis from the doctors. We talk for half an hour (mainly me listening). I'm supportive but only because she's opening up and telling me exactly what's going on. What you're doing is simply volunteering to be ignored. That's not supportive. That's self-neglect, pretending to be supportive. And you win no points this way. You don't impress a departing romantic partner by being quiet when they ignore you. 5
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) Lots, the way I read "support" in this context is she expressed to him she needs space to sort stuff out. She's stressed and overwhelmed with, well, life. The OP is supporting her need to take that space, respecting it. By distancing himself and leaving her be. It makes sense to me and as a woman who has been in her shoes, I think he's doing the right thing. When your partner asks to be left alone, then you respect that, and leave them alone. Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Mystery4u Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Lots, the way I read "support" in this context is she expressed to him she needs space to sort stuff out. She's stressed and overwhelmed with, well, life. The OP is supporting her need to take that space, respecting it. By distancing himself and leaving her be. It makes sense to me and as a woman who has been in her shoes, I think he's doing the right thing. When your partner asks to be left alone, then you respect that, and leave them alone. Thing is with this specific situation, they have known each other for 2 months only. 2 months after meeting someone and starting a relationship, they should be all over each other, wanting to spend as much time together as possible, communicating every day getting to know each other. Sounds like it started off like that, and now the gf is coming up with excuses about why it's not continuing. After 2 months there shouldn't be any reason for it to not continue, unless... She's just not feeling it anymore. And OP is happy to just sit idly by and do nothing. 1
Annonymous1234 Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 The big kicker for me is that she can spend two hours in the gym, but can't send him a 'howdy' text . . . 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 36 minutes ago, Selkie1111 said: The big kicker for me is that she can spend two hours in the gym, but can't send him a 'howdy' text . . . Yes, this is why I suspect the next conversation they have is going to be her explaining that she can't have a relationship right now. 1
elaine567 Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 My guess the OP was so "not needy" that she never actually made a good connection with him. Now she is busy with her new work/study, she has lost the tenuous link she had with him. Saying you will be supportive and being supportive are two completely different things. Of course Mr I Am Not Needy and Miss I Need Space are never really going to get close enough to click. People fresh out of significant relationships rarely make good partners, too much emotional baggage. 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 "Monday she seemed stressed through her message and its since that ive had nothing . So 24 hours and you're freaking out? All that after you say "you're not at the love stage", she needs to focus on school and some doctor appointment? Now your thoughts are all about dumping her because she hasn't texted in a day? It sounds like you are quite anxious in the relationship. Slow down and take some time to reflect.
Author ld1991 Posted October 7, 2020 Author Posted October 7, 2020 Right, just to cllear a few things up here.... Elaine - No i wasnt needy, but when we texted we texted A LOT... funny, intimate conversations and everything... i wasnt needy as in hassling her every hour of the day, constantly wanting to see her every day, but i was there, expressed feelings and she appreicated everything and did feel close to me and we hung out every week... in one week she came to my place 3 times. Your theory of me not being needy so thats why the connection wasnt great is wrong.. we had a strong connection. In terms of her at the gym, its like a group class... yeah I agree its crap she cant send a short text for that so maybe she is confused about her feelings or what she wants. My guess is that she thinks its got too intense too quick, then all of this college work, training for placement, meetings, her part time job, gym has got on top of her and maybe she needs to take a step back from me. Still Im annoyed why she has not communicated this to me, me being supportive is backing off and leaving her be. Thats not to say im going to wait for weeks on end.. Like I said, if I dont hear a single thing all week then its obvious shes not feeling it. 1
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) Firstly and jmo of course but being "needy" or showing neediness is not a requirement for two people to connect. As such, one or both being "not needy" won't deter that connection assuming all elements are there - chemistry, the right energy, emotional compatibility, vulnerability. So OP on one hand, I believe you when you say you were not needy and that you felt a mutual connection with this girl. On the other hand, you''ve mentioned several times how "it got too intense," can you clarify what you mean by "intense"? How so, in what way? Were you intense? Because to me, when a person is too "intense" it suggests that there was some neediness, meaning that person wanted more time, more emotion, just "more." They and thus the relationship became intense! So I'm curious what you mean by intense, if you could explain what you mean, it might shed more light. Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields
Author ld1991 Posted October 7, 2020 Author Posted October 7, 2020 And ive just noticed now that shes just removed me from instagram as a friend... i messaged her and just said 'so is there a reason why you've removed me from instagram?' and she just read it and dint reply.. No idea whats gone on here, I guess it could be anything like all of you have said.... but if she does reply I will just say whatever, and dust myself off and try again with the dating scene... If she does reply I will let you all know
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, ld1991 said: And ive just noticed now that shes just removed me from instagram as a friend... i messaged her and just said 'so is there a reason why you've removed me from instagram?' and she just read it and dint reply.. Ouch. Sorry to hear it, OP. It's over and she has yet to find the stones to tell you.
Author ld1991 Posted October 7, 2020 Author Posted October 7, 2020 Yup, cowardly act to just not even tell me a reason why.... but yeah ive deleted her number now.. and its back to the drawing board i go... damn this year has been the worst..
ExpatInItaly Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 6 minutes ago, ld1991 said: Yup, cowardly act to just not even tell me a reason why.... but yeah ive deleted her number now.. and its back to the drawing board i go... damn this year has been the worst.. You may still hear from her with an explanation, but I would indeed consider this over. I'm sorry.
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 53 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Firstly and jmo of course but being "needy" or showing neediness is not a requirement for two people to connect. As such, one or both being "not needy" won't deter that connection assuming all elements are there - chemistry, the right energy, emotional compatibility, vulnerability. So OP on one hand, I believe you when you say you were not needy and that you felt a mutual connection with this girl. On the other hand, you''ve mentioned several times how "it got too intense," can you clarify what you mean by "intense"? How so, in what way? Were you intense? Because to me, when a person is too "intense" it suggests that there was some neediness, meaning that person wanted more time, more emotion, just "more." They and thus the relationship became intense! So I'm curious what you mean by intense, if you could explain what you mean, it might shed more light. Well after reading the latest, I guess this^ post is moot now, sorry Id. We've all been there, time does heal. Hugs.
Annonymous1234 Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 Sorry to read this, OP. You deserve better than someone who would end things this way.
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, elaine567 said: My guess the OP was so "not needy" that she never actually made a good connection with him. You know elaine, at first I dismissed this^, but now, the way OP's gf so coldly removed him from her SM and ignoring his message, it sounds almost as if she's angry at him! Blocking, deleting, suddenly removing, is often an emotional response reflecting hurt or anger, and she wants him to see it! And to what lotsgoingon said too, do you think it's possible she might feel you don't care? Women's emotions can be complex, I know mine are. So, do you think it's possible, just possible, she was expecting, hoping for, a different reaction from you? Other than for you to simply leave her be and essentially ignore her? All in an effort to not appear "too needy"? What's happening could actually be the exact opposite of what you and many of us have been assuming. Including myself! I dunno just tossing it out. Things are often not what they appear to be from the outside. Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author ld1991 Posted October 7, 2020 Author Posted October 7, 2020 She just replied and said this ' due to everything thats going on i want to leave us here for now,, im being serious btw despite my jokes before. Got too much on and havent got the time. hope you understand and good luck with everything. I then said so did you not believe me when i said id be relaxed and supportive until the end and she said i have no idea i just dont want to do this anymore... and then i just said, well i have no idea where this has come from considering how good we were, whtever you do what you want then.. and i just left it at that.
boymommy Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 Sorry to hear about the recent events OP. I was pulling for you! Unfortunately sometimes early relationships just end up not being the right fit. She should have been straight with you but maybe it's not in her wheel house. Lesson learned. Since you seem to need a more responsive partner, make that a sticking point in dating! I know thats a deal breaker for me because I have anxiety issues. 24 hrs no communication doesn't work for me and I know that. It's not about being clingy or needy or giving space vs not giving space. Its about finding someone who works well with what I am looking for in a relationship. Keep that in mind. Best of luck!
boymommy Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 3 minutes ago, ld1991 said: She just replied and said this ' due to everything thats going on i want to leave us here for now,, im being serious btw despite my jokes before. Got too much on and havent got the time. hope you understand and good luck with everything. I then said so did you not believe me when i said id be relaxed and supportive until the end and she said i have no idea i just dont want to do this anymore... and then i just said, well i have no idea where this has come from considering how good we were, whtever you do what you want then.. and i just left it at that. She broke up with you. She isn't feeling it for whatever reason. I have been in this position too and I don't know what I did wrong but it wasn't working for the other person. If you are being honest it wasn't working for you either because this is a huge thread and you were upset with her distancing tactics. So it wasn't the right fit. I can be like that too and don't want to give up the fight, don't like being rejected..BUT now you have the opportunity to find a better dating fit for yourself. Thank her gracefully and move on.
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, ld1991 said: She just replied and said this ' due to everything thats going on i want to leave us here for now,, im being serious btw despite my jokes before. Got too much on and havent got the time. hope you understand and good luck with everything. I then said so did you not believe me when i said id be relaxed and supportive until the end and she said i have no idea i just dont want to do this anymore... and then i just said, well i have no idea where this has come from considering how good we were, whtever you do what you want then.. and i just left it at that. You sound apathetic OP. She might have felt this from you too. Like I said, in your effort to appear "supportive and not needy," you came off apathetic. I don't know, but something sounds very off, it sounds as if she's angry with you. Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields
boymommy Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: You sound apathetic OP. She might have felt this from you too. Like I said, in your effort to appear "supportive and not needy," you came off apathetic. I don't know, but something sounds very off. I'm not sure his gf probably knows what she wants. She didn't like the needy ex...she didn't like the constant space OP gave her. My take is that it probably has more to do with her then it has to do with a partner. Neither was the right fit and she didn't feel that either was right because she has work to do on herself. That is so often the case.
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) I'll say it again - blocking, deleting, suddenly removing, is often an emotional response reflecting hurt or anger, and she wants him to see it! This latest turn of events, to me she sounds angry. If she had stopped caring, there would be no anger, no suddenly removing from SM. No telling him "I don't know, I can't do this anymore." That's an emotional response. Instead, she'd be indifferent. Apathetic. I'm just speculating, but that's my sense right now. But who knows. Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields 2
boymommy Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 29 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I'll say it again - blocking, deleting, suddenly removing, is often an emotional response reflecting hurt or anger, and she wants him to see it! This latest turn of events, to me she sounds angry. If she had stopped caring, there would be no anger, no suddenly removing from SM. No telling him "I don't know, I can't do this anymore." That's an emotional response. Instead, she'd be indifferent. Apathetic. I'm just speculating, but that's my sense right now. But who knows. True. She appears to have more of a passive aggressive style of communicating. Again possibly not a great fit for somebody who is anxious in relationships. He'd be better off with someone more direct and doesn't have to guess or speculate what they are thinking/feeling (which just fuels anxiety further)
kendahke Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, ld1991 said: Yup, cowardly act to just not even tell me a reason why.... she most likely didn't want to deal with you trying to plead your case to make her change her mind, as you've been doing on here with us. Quote I then said so did you not believe me when i said id be relaxed and supportive until the end and then i just said, well i have no idea where this has come from considering how good we were, whtever you do what you want then.. I rest my case. Edited October 7, 2020 by kendahke 1
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, kendahke said: she most likely didn't want to deal with you trying to plead your case to make her change her mind, as you've been doing on here with us. Where has OP pleaded his case trying to make her change her mind? To me, he's done the opposite. Posted he's been understanding, supportive of her need for space, "not needy." Confused but quiet, accepting. Possibly too much so. I'm now thinking she may have needed him to be less understanding, less accepting, less supportive re her needing space, maybe show her he actually gives a damn. Some display of emotion! We are only hearing his side, his version of events. I would love to hear hers. Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields
Recommended Posts