ExpatInItaly Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 I think she’s having second thoughts about being in this relationship, OP. She seems to be preparing to tell you she doesn’t have the time for it. 1
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 I used to work 60-70 hr weeks and still had time to go on dates. Even if it’s just picking up pizza, eating and chatting. I don’t think she’s that into you.
Author ld1991 Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) @poppyfields She never stayed with her ex, once she found out he cheated it was done. She told me 3 months went by and he tried to get back with her and she said no. This morning after she said sorry I have a lot on at the moment I just said why are you apologising, im not criticising you for anything im just gonna be supportive, id be a crap boyfriend if I didnt and then she just read it and didnt reply.. Its since last Monday things have gone a bit chaotic for her as thats when she started this college placement and she said straight away she was struggling to balance everything. It was her who wanted to stay at mine last Thursday and it was great, we had fun, she did college work, we had good food and great sex... then the next night that she went home she just said she felt super stressed with all her work and didnt know what was wrong with her... as soon as she got home I asked if she was OK and she said yes, just needs some time to get everything back on track and pull herself together. Its after that night its gone quiet between us... shes in the gym a lot too so that takes up her time as well.. and she has this work due for November and then works 16 hours on a Saturday. I am concerned shes not reaching out to me anymore but yes I agree maybe she thinks things were getting Intense and it was affecting her college work but I was always supportive and relaxed about everything.. it was her that kept wanting to come and stay at mine. And she knows that we have her birthday planned with a trip away in November.. even yesterday when we messaged briefly she talked about that. Its just this morning she did sound pretty stressed from her message. Like I said since she didn't reply I was just not going to say a word all week now and let her contact me. Since Sunday is the only free time she has where she's home for most the day.(even though she needs to do college work) I did think of texting her and saying hey, hope you're feeling better with work, thinking of you. But since she didnt reply to me today I think best bet is to just not say a word. We did have a connection, a lot in common and always laughed and bought each other stuff. So I don't know why shes changed like this as she knows i would be supportive and relaxed. If I don't hear a word from her all week I think im just gonna take it as its done with. I am a bit shocked if it is done and she just hasn't been honest with me though.. as shes even admitted herself that shes too honest. When we first met she was always upfront and even told me she was dating other guys before she finds the right connection. So I would have expected her to be honest about this with me instead of just saying shes so chaotic right now and letting it fade. So yeah, I think il stay quiet, let her come to me.. if I don't hear a word all week then take it as its done with. Edited October 6, 2020 by ld1991 Edit
Fletch Lives Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 It sounds like she's burned out from taking on too much school and work, burning the candle at both ends. I guess you'll just have to wait and see if she has time for a relationship. Some people are just too busy with other things for a relationship. If it falls apart, next time, find someone who is settled in their career and has time. Some college women are not ready for love.
Wiseman2 Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 Are you thinking she got back with the ex or met someone else? Was this a rebound fling for her? No one is too busy for what they're interested in.
schlumpy Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 12 hours ago, ld1991 said: When we first met she was always upfront and even told me she was dating other guys before she finds the right connection. So I would have expected her to be honest about this with me instead of just saying shes so chaotic right now and letting it fade. So yeah, I think il stay quiet, let her come to me.. if I don't hear a word all week then take it as its done with. So you are just another horse in the stable? What else were you expecting? 1
Author ld1991 Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 38 minutes ago, schlumpy said: So you are just another horse in the stable? What else were you expecting? Well she did it as she was new to the game and was testing before she chooses the right one and goes deeper. So she said I was the one and decided to go in with me. Like I said if I don't get a word all this week then I will take it that its over... its just bizarre after how good we were, frequent sex (and shes very guarded on this as she doesnt just sleep around with anyone) and how we planned things. Its just the whole stress of college work since she started placement last week. So yeah, guess I just gotta stay quiet and carry in with life.
smackie9 Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 Her just giving excuses and not saying things like "I will try to make time." or "Don't get discourage, I do want to see you." or anything pertaining to you hang on...says she's letting you make the choice to walk. 2
poppyfields Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 1 hour ago, ld1991 said: Its just the whole stress of college work since she started placement last week. So yeah, guess I just gotta stay quiet and carry in with life. As a woman who has been in her shoes plenty of times, this^ was her easing out gently so as to not hurt you. But trust me, it's not the reason. If she were hot for you, as you appear to be for her, she'd be making time for you, even if just for sex! I'm convinced she felt pressured by you, the relationship and all the "intensity" (your word). I've been there! I think every woman has. Its overwhelming and eventually we turn off. I'm not saying this to rub salt into the wound, but it's important to face the reality that for whatever reason, she's no longer feeling it. Telling yourself stories or believing her story, can keep you stuck and prevent you from moving forward. It's been only two months. Too intense too soon world be my best guess as to why she's backed off. I agree do nothing and carry on with life. Maybe she'll come back around, maybe not. I wouldn't bank on it but ya never know. If she does, less intense would be good, slow down. Good luck!
Author ld1991 Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 Yeah maybe, its just weird as shes always been honest and even told me shes too honest at times... so I would have expected her to tell me the truth and be upfront if she did want to end it.. especially as only on Sunday we were talking about what to do for her birthday in November. But yeah im just staying quiet.
poppyfields Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 No matter how honest we are, It's extremely difficult telling someone you've been dating, and having sex with, you're no longer feeling it, or at best uncertain about how you feel. She wasn't being dishonest really. She is busy and stressed. What she didn't tell you is that IF she were hot for you, that wouldn't matter, she'd still have time and the desire to see you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 "Like this", means she's pumping the breaks. She's really not "too busy", "too stressed", etc. That is someone's way of backing out of the relationship. It was too much, too soon, too intense. She may have gone back to an ex or met someone new. But No one, No one is "too busy" for what they are interested in. 2
kendahke Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) On 10/4/2020 at 3:34 PM, ld1991 said: well her last bf cheated on her and apparently im the best sex shes ever had?? I believed her too the amount of times she wanted it when she was here. Doesn't matter if he cheated... she is still emotionally tied to him and as you've found out "the best sex she's ever had" isn't strong enough to break that tie. Sex is nothing but sex. It doesn't have the power to erase memories of past lovers that someone doesn't want to let go of. Sex with you was something new to do... it wasn't a contract to anything more than what it was. Quote She told me And all you have to go on is what she wants you to know, not what the truth actually is. She could tell you anything, but how is she acting? What is she doing/not doing. Words are cheap. Quote so I would have expected her Expectations are future resentments under construction. Edited October 6, 2020 by kendahke 1
Calmandfocused Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 Something feels very off to me about her behaviour Op. I don’t buy her explanation. There’s something she isn’t telling you. Stressed and busy people generally find time to contact/ see the people they care about. I think what’s she’s trying to tell you is “I’m no longer invested in this relationship but I don’t know how to tell you”. I don’t think you should wait around for her to decide and call the shots. End this and find a relationship with a woman who makes you feel valued. Don’t wait around for someone to make their mind up about you. 2
Author ld1991 Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 Honestly I do believe that she has a lot to do with her college work... her placement started last Monday and is full on.. she goes to the gym for 2 hours after that and then has to work on here college assignments.. but one thing that did spring to mind was when she left mine last Thursday.. she said when she got home she was stressed and thought to herself that she needs some time to get back on track with everything and to pull herself together. Its just weird how upbeat she was texting me a bit on sunday to now nothing at all. Like i said shes a very honest girl and on Thursday even bought me nice gifts as ive had a new job.. so yeah im giving her the space, but i wont wait around for long.. especially if i dont get a message all week.
poppyfields Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) Id, whatever you need to believe to get you through, whatever story you need to tell yourself so it hurts less, you get no judgment from me. As long as you're not harboring hopes that once her school/workload ends, she will come running back into your arms. Highly unlikely that will ever happen. Stay real with yourself, all the best. Edited October 6, 2020 by poppyfields
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 22 minutes ago, ld1991 said: Like i said shes a very honest girl I would hope so, but in all fairness, it sounds like this is such a new relationship that you still don't know her character as deeply as you imagine. I am not trying to suggest she's lying but rather that you two are very much in the honeymoon phase - which means you're still getting to know her as a person. It's hard to guess what someone would or wouldn't do when we only have a a couple months' worth of knowledge about them. 2
Calmandfocused Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 1 hour ago, ld1991 said: Honestly I do believe that she has a lot to do with her college work... her placement started last Monday and is full on.. she goes to the gym for 2 hours after that and then has to work on here college assignments.. but one thing that did spring to mind was when she left mine last Thursday.. she said when she got home she was stressed and thought to herself that she needs some time to get back on track with everything and to pull herself together. Its just weird how upbeat she was texting me a bit on sunday to now nothing at all. Like i said shes a very honest girl and on Thursday even bought me nice gifts as ive had a new job.. so yeah im giving her the space, but i wont wait around for long.. especially if i dont get a message all week. Erm... someone who has no time to see/ communicate with her boyfriend... someone who (according to her) has no time for herself ...has 2 hours spare in her day to go to the gym? .... This doesn’t make sense and deep down you know it. 2
poppyfields Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: Erm... someone who has no time to see/ communicate with her boyfriend... someone who (according to her) has no time for herself ...has 2 hours spare in her day to go to the gym? .... This doesn’t make sense and deep down you know it. I know, it's insulting. Edited October 6, 2020 by poppyfields
Author ld1991 Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 Listen I have no clue whats going on only for the fact of what shes told me which is that shes super stressed about it all as it means so much to her... ive learnt from knowing her as well that shes a worrier when she doesnt need to be, that shes sometimes closed with certain things and expressing feelings... Im annoyed shes just not talking to me now yeah, which is why if i dont get a single word by this time next week then its obvious shes not interested anymore... if she reaches out i will update you all, if she doesnt im not going to hold on to hope, I will just restart again like i did before.. im just shocked more than anything of how it went from being great on thursday to her then going home and switching like this... but lets see i guess... im not going to reach out now as ive said what i have to say, i said id be supportive so if she doesnt want me anymore then fine.
elaine567 Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 Yes I agree, busy people tend to make time to see the people they love... Gym time is hardly important.. . However you seem to be obsessed with not being clingy/needy so is it possible you have overdone it with your hands off approach? If her last bf was over-attentive then she maybe expects more attention from a bf. Maybe she thinks the "great sex" is all you want? She is struggling and you are apparently just leaving her to it. That may not be going down too well. Just a thought 2
Mystery4u Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Yes I agree, busy people tend to make time to see the people they love... Gym time is hardly important.. . However you seem to be obsessed with not being clingy/needy so is it possible you have overdone it with your hands off approach? If her last bf was over-attentive then she maybe expects more attention from a bf. Maybe she thinks the "great sex" is all you want? She is struggling and you are apparently just leaving her to it. That may not be going down too well. Just a thought Agreed. I don't get the whole 'I won't contact her because I might look needy/clingy'. I've said it a number of times, there is no such thing as being too needy when interest levels match, only when they don't. You are in a relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend, how you can go even one day without communicating, I have no idea. 2
boymommy Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 I think you need to talk to her..she told you the story of her ex because she has had this problem in previous relationships (becoming distant and her priorities being out of whack). I get you don't want to come off as too needy and be like her ex but you are your own person and your relationship is not theirs. Obviously this is an issue for you so talk to her..if you just go with the flow and are okay with her distance (when you really aren't) you will end up resenting her and that will cause more issues down the line. The dynamic needs changed. She's needs to acknowledge her lack or responsiveness and try harder, you need to increase your communication and not worry about being needy or clingy. Talk to the girl and if she isn't willing to work it out well then its a bad fit anyway. You can't pretend to be someone you are not.
Author ld1991 Posted October 7, 2020 Author Posted October 7, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes I agree, busy people tend to make time to see the people they love... Gym time is hardly important.. . However you seem to be obsessed with not being clingy/needy so is it possible you have overdone it with your hands off approach? If her last bf was over-attentive then she maybe expects more attention from a bf. Maybe she thinks the "great sex" is all you want? She is struggling and you are apparently just leaving her to it. That may not be going down too well. Just a thought I wouldnt say we were both at the love stage, its way too early! she knows for a fact im not just after sex and that im after something long term and mature... a few weeks ago she praised me for not being obsessed and constantly nagging at her as thats what her ex did and she said if i was like that it would push her away. Ive talked to her about this already, ive said to her I understand how stressed she is with all of this as shes on the brink of finishing everything and wants to do well. I said I would support her, she knows what i think of her and my words were 'Why are you apologising to me? im supporting you, im never going to criticise you for that as i would be a s*** boyfriend if i did' and she read and didnt reply to it. So im leaving her alone now.. if i dont hear from her in a week or whatever then its obvious she didnt have the maturity to just tell me straight and be honest... I also keep thinking about what she said when she got home last week, that she needs to take some time to get everything back on track and pull herself together... maybe this is what she's doing..Last Thursday she also said she has no idea whats wrong with her lately, weather it was going back on birth control for the first time this year and her hormones were all over the place... she also had to have an appointment with a doctor after there were abnormalities in a blood test she took as she hasnt had a period in like 9 months, so theres all sorts of factors that could come into play but hey, i've offered my support and listened and not pressured anything... Sunday when we briefly texted it was as usual, joking around, talking about what we have planned etc..then Monday she seemed stressed through her message and its since that ive had nothing.
poppyfields Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 (edited) Yeah we've all been speculating, including me! When the reality is, no one truly knows what's going on with her, except her. I think you're doing the right thing by backing off and I truly do hope she reaches out soon. The whole thing is just so bizarre though, but sadly not uncommon. It's like one day you're IN, the next day you're OUT, literally. I'm not looking forward to going back out there again that's for darn sure! Keep us posted, fingers crossed it works out for you. Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields
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