ld1991 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 So me and my gf have known eachother for 2 months now, we dated first for about a month... then it got more intense and we were both at the stage where we can call us a thing... shes 27, rents a place with her room mate like 20 min away and im 29 live alone.. She is in College and works part time and is finding all that stressful as its a lot of work.. shes also started a placement with college as well as she wants to go into social work. These past 2 or 3 weeks things have been intense with us, last week she came over to my house like 3 times during the week, we always had a lot of fun, great sex, we would constantly talk over text and so on.. and shes even done nice gestures for me and bought me things as i have for her and we planned to go away for her birthday in November which I booked. Last week she started placement so was a lot busier than usual with her college work, gym and more, so i recognized this and gave her space and was never needy, id just text when she reaches out... On Wednesday and Thursday she stayed at mine again but on Thursday night she seemed weird.. nothing too much... she said she was very stressed with her college work and maybe the birth control was affecting her moods and she doesnt know whats wrong with her lately. That night she got home she told me she was just sat in the car thinking as she was so tired, she then said she needs to take sometime to get back on track with everything and pull herself together a bit.. I told her I would support her in anyway I can and i have never been needy to her and she appreciates that... Yesterday i barely heard from her until like 9pm as she was in work all day then with friends in the night.. today I havent had a single word from her.. I have just left her to it and not messaged her at all as I dont want to seem needy and was just going to reply if she messages me first. The attraction is there and I dont know if shes scared that we're getting intense, but I dont get why she cant just send a single message or whatever to just let me know how she is, whats going on or a simple hello you know.... like i said, im not reaching out to her until she does.. is that the right thing to do?
schlumpy Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 Yes, just wait for set period of time. If you don't hear from her in a week start dating again. If after a period of time she comes back as if nothing had changed and you want her back, welcome her and try to find out the real reason this happened. 1
Author ld1991 Posted October 3, 2020 Author Posted October 3, 2020 10 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Yes, just wait for set period of time. If you don't hear from her in a week start dating again. If after a period of time she comes back as if nothing had changed and you want her back, welcome her and try to find out the real reason this happened. Yeah I have no Idea whats happened, ive treated her well, given her space for her work and never been too clingy or anything like that.. this is the first time where shes not said a word to me in a whole day. So im not sure if she wants to take a break to focus on her studies/job or if theres something deeper here where shes not feeling it. But based on last week and the week before where we were having a lot of sex, talking a lot and planning things... this has just come out of nowhere. She is the type to worry and stress a lot.. so yeah I'll give it a few days and not message her, but I am annoyed she couldnt even send a small message considering im her bf. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 You have said "clingy" about five times. You have the right to stay in contact with her if you are dating. That's not clingy. And I don't care how busy someone is, in the age of texting, you can take 1 minute to text someone you're really into. And then another minute a few hours later. Her reaction probably has NOTHING to do with you. It sounds like she is having the problem being busy and juggling all her responsibilities and school. Her coming to your place for two days overnight ... when she's feeling overwhelmed ... she should spend that time more alone ... and talk to you on the phone for an hour ... or catch dinner with you and then go back home. I'm just thinking about her actions--ratcheting up romance and sex at the same time that outside demands and pressures are increasing ... doesn't really make sense. So this sounds like her. Anyway, her going quiet for two days ... dude, it's over. And you have the right to call her and say what you want. You are winning no 'non-clingy" points by not calling her. But the relationship is most likely over. What happened it seems is that you guys are still getting to know each other, and you just learned something about her. She doesn't quite know how to manage pressures and be in relationship at the same time. 4
Author ld1991 Posted October 4, 2020 Author Posted October 4, 2020 15 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: You have said "clingy" about five times. You have the right to stay in contact with her if you are dating. That's not clingy. And I don't care how busy someone is, in the age of texting, you can take 1 minute to text someone you're really into. And then another minute a few hours later. Her reaction probably has NOTHING to do with you. It sounds like she is having the problem being busy and juggling all her responsibilities and school. Her coming to your place for two days overnight ... when she's feeling overwhelmed ... she should spend that time more alone ... and talk to you on the phone for an hour ... or catch dinner with you and then go back home. I'm just thinking about her actions--ratcheting up romance and sex at the same time that outside demands and pressures are increasing ... doesn't really make sense. So this sounds like her. Anyway, her going quiet for two days ... dude, it's over. And you have the right to call her and say what you want. You are winning no 'non-clingy" points by not calling her. But the relationship is most likely over. What happened it seems is that you guys are still getting to know each other, and you just learned something about her. She doesn't quite know how to manage pressures and be in relationship at the same time. Oh I did stay in contact with her, we texted A LOT... her last bf was very needy where he constantly messaged her, wanted to be with her, was paranoid about things and said she has to do this and that whereas shes already said to me that its refreshing that I give her space. Yes I agree that she is struggling to balance all of this and she admitted to that last week.. I dont know if its necessarily over, I'd expect her to be honest with me and tell me as from what I know of her so far she is a very honest person.. I guess if i dont hear from her tomorrow I will just ask her if shes ok as I havent heard from her and then take it from there...
Lotsgoingon Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 Be careful about being "better" than or "nicer" than previous boyfriend. At least half the time people say negative things about the ex, they are leaving out how turned out and attracted they were to the ex. And often that attraction continues even as the person is complaining about ex to new partner. It's over dude--you do NOT want to date someone who can disappear for days. You guys just started and she's already overwhelmed. Move on. 2
Author ld1991 Posted October 4, 2020 Author Posted October 4, 2020 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Be careful about being "better" than or "nicer" than previous boyfriend. At least half the time people say negative things about the ex, they are leaving out how turned out and attracted they were to the ex. And often that attraction continues even as the person is complaining about ex to new partner. It's over dude--you do NOT want to date someone who can disappear for days. You guys just started and she's already overwhelmed. Move on. Im tempted to just text and say hello? and then if she makes out she was busy I will just say right ok and then go cold myself..I literally have no idea what I have done wrong... weather shes feeling its gone too intense or something else... but I dont wanna be with someone who cannot open up to me. So i guess il see how this goes.
schlumpy Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 8 hours ago, ld1991 said: her last bf was very needy where he constantly messaged her, wanted to be with her, was paranoid about things and said she has to do this and that whereas shes already said to me that its refreshing that I give her space. If the breakup with the old squeeze was recent you have to consider if you are a rebound. It's too soon to jump ship but after waiting a while (not too long) start pulling back and looking elsewhere. Honesty is a very fluid concept in a relationship. Everyone wants to think they are above board and treat their romantic prospects with respect but the heart wants what it wants and will get there by hook or crook. You are handling it just fine. Protect yourself and your feelings. If she just suddenly reappears without a proper explanation make sure you get one or dump her. No plan B for you. 2
Author ld1991 Posted October 4, 2020 Author Posted October 4, 2020 17 minutes ago, schlumpy said: If the breakup with the old squeeze was recent you have to consider if you are a rebound. It's too soon to jump ship but after waiting a while (not too long) start pulling back and looking elsewhere. Honesty is a very fluid concept in a relationship. Everyone wants to think they are above board and treat their romantic prospects with respect but the heart wants what it wants and will get there by hook or crook. You are handling it just fine. Protect yourself and your feelings. If she just suddenly reappears without a proper explanation make sure you get one or dump her. No plan B for you. Her last bf was last year so Im confident its nothing to do with him.... I just think its the whole stress and balancing her studies/work/gym life with me and maybe she thought we were getting too intense.. still thats no excuse to not talk to me... i sent her a message now saying hello? so I'll see if she replies... if she dont then its back to dating I go... its very weird as I did not see this coming at all, especially after weve enjoyed each others company recently, bought eachother stuff and had plans going forward.
schlumpy Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 Rest assured there is a reason. It may be that she needs the time she spends with you in another area of her life for the moment but I would expect that she would make damn sure that you know so you wouldn't wander off. And honestly what time does it take to send off a short text and maintain contact? Try to keep the imagination under control until you find out. If you are like most people the worst part is being in the dark and not knowing. All you have is what she gave you and you keep asking yourself how can she be with me and then do this? I suspect you will get an answer eventually but prepare to detach. I hope for your sake you haven't waded in too deep. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 I can appreciate that she is very busy and finding it hard to balance everything, but I would be concerned that it was quite sudden and you haven't heard from her. See what the rest of the weekend brings. Give her a bit of space to process whatever it is that's on her mind. If you hear nothing in the next couple days, give her a call and have a chat. Be prepared to hear whatever she has to say, even if it's not what you want to hear. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 2 mos? Way too much way too soon way too intense. Hopefully you'll both slow down to a more comfortable dating pace and this won't turn into a sizzle and fizzle situation. Take your time, relax, catch your breath. No don't rush out and date someone else because you haven't been texting 24/7.
d0nnivain Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 Your message was passive aggressive especially if it came with question marks. hello???? is trying to make her feel guilty for not spending time with you. As a busy person getting a message like that would annoy me. She has a lot on her plate. She does need to take the laboring oar to carve out a place for you in all of that but you have to stop measuring your value in her life by the # of contacts. Try offering her help instead. I understand she comes to you because you live alone but maybe offer to go to her house, make dinner for her & her roommate while letting her do laundry or study. She has limited time. You also need to differentiate between being needy / clingy and getting your own needs met in a relationship. Obviously she has limited time but as her BF you do get some of it. You can reach out to her. Your message to her would have been better if you'd say something like "Know you're busy, probably studying or sleeping. When you come up for air, give me a call. Miss you." If you can't accept the fact that she has priorities & her schedule is not your schedule the timing of your relationship might not be right for you 4
Lotsgoingon Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 (edited) I'm really trying to think here and tap my memory ... but I don't think I've ever heard of someone going suddenly dark ... unresponsive ... who then returned back to their partner and all was good. At two months in, time with you should be like a fabulous dessert. You don't need room for dessert and early on time with you should be like sneaking in some extra ice cream. One other thought crosses my mind: I wonder if she has some trauma around sex that came up suddenly and unexpectedly. Again, I think this has nothing to do with you. If you do reach her, you want to relax and check her out for whether she's going to be a good partner. You don't want to approach her (assuming she resurfaces) with the goal of just being "nice" and "understanding." This woman has shown herself to be unreliable---you have to start with that assumption. Avoid all fantasies of rescuing her from her own pain. That's not your job (job of her and friends and family). Your job is to evaluate whether she can be a good partner to you. Edited October 4, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 2
Art.at.Heart Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 17 hours ago, ld1991 said: Last week she started placement so was a lot busier than usual with her college work, gym and more, so i recognized this and gave her space and was never needy, id just text when she reaches out... On Wednesday and Thursday she stayed at mine again but on Thursday night she seemed weird.. nothing too much... she said she was very stressed with her college work and maybe the birth control was affecting her moods and she doesnt know whats wrong with her lately. That night she got home she told me she was just sat in the car thinking as she was so tired, she then said she needs to take sometime to get back on track with everything and pull herself together a bit.. I told her I would support her in anyway I can and i have never been needy to her and she appreciates that... Yesterday i barely heard from her until like 9pm as she was in work all day then with friends in the night.. today I havent had a single word from her.. I have just left her to it and not messaged her at all as I dont want to seem needy and was just going to reply if she messages me first. The attraction is there and I dont know if shes scared that we're getting intense, but I dont get why she cant just send a single message or whatever to just let me know how she is, whats going on or a simple hello you know.... like i said, im not reaching out to her until she does.. is that the right thing to do? Please worry less about appearing "needy" and more about receiving the level of communication you want in this relationship. 1
kendahke Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 20 hours ago, ld1991 said: I dont get why she cant just send a single message or whatever to just let me know how she is, whats going on or a simple hello The simple answer is she doesn't feel you deserve or are owed an explanation. I'd leave her alone and chalk her up to a couple of weeks of a good time and she's gone. Time to date someone else. 1
kendahke Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 9 hours ago, ld1991 said: Her last bf was last year so Im confident its nothing to do with him.... You'd be surprised how last year's boyfriend can suddenly look attractive again after having had sex with someone new. We've read that countless times on these boards. 1
Author ld1991 Posted October 4, 2020 Author Posted October 4, 2020 So the message i sent her this morning was just Hello... she then messaged me back in like a sarcastic joking way.. we talked and she said yesterday was a chaotic day at work, she was the only one in and one of the kids tried to self har... (she works at a childrens home who have mental health issues) she said she just needed space and wanted to get on with things... i said for her to please just let me know next time with a quick short text so I know that shes ok and thats nothings happened... and then i brushed it aside... we talked for a bit and then she said she will see later in the week about coming to mine.. said she has a few things to do tonight so im guessing its work related stuff... again thought shes not talking as frequent like she used to. I've offered to go to her place many times but she doesnt want me to yet as she feels it would be weird to her room mate and we wouldnt have our own space... but in time we can.. I think im just going to take this as it comes now and not initiate so much, why should i do the chasing all the time? after all it takes two to make the effort...
Author ld1991 Posted October 4, 2020 Author Posted October 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, kendahke said: You'd be surprised how last year's boyfriend can suddenly look attractive again after having had sex with someone new. We've read that countless times on these boards. well her last bf cheated on her and apparently im the best sex shes ever had?? I believed her too the amount of times she wanted it when she was here.
Author ld1991 Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 So didnt get much off her yesterday.. Today she just said I dont know where to turn at the moment or what time I have.. im so busy with college work as its due in November and placement is taking a lot of my time.. and then my part time job on Saturday and then college work again Sunday. I didnt even get the chance to do college work last night so I dont know what time I have. I said I understand its fine, then she just said im sorry I just have a lot on at the moment. I then said why are you saying sorry, im not going to criticise you for it.. im just being supportive, id be a crap boyfriend if I wasnt... (she hasnt read this yet) But she has shown to be a very honest girl from the start. So I do genuinely think shes very stressed with it all and maybe needs to take a step back. She hasnt said were over and knows we have plans in November for her birthday. But right now I think the best thing for me to do is just not talk and only respond when she initiates... thats all I can do, especially if shes stressed with it all and needs to get a lot done by November. 1
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 You now know that one of the children she cares for tried to commit suicide yesterday. That takes a lot out of a person & she is not focused on a new BF. You have been in her life long enough to be her go to person. About 6 weeks after I started dating my husband, my EX took his own life. I was distraught & my new BF didn't even cross my mind. I think your idea to sit back is a good one. I suspect you are a bit needy. Yes she does have to reach out to you but not every day. Don't go radio silent but pace yourself. When you do text her, send upbeat short messages. She how she responds. 2
poppyfields Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, ld1991 said: But right now I think the best thing for me to do is just not talk and only respond when she initiates... thats all I can do.. I think this^ is smart. But I'll be honest, I think this may be done and here's why. Her ex: You posted he was extremely jealous, controlling and possessive. You posted he cheated on her. This leads me to suspect he was manipulative and there was abuse (mental, emotional). Perhaps even physical but it would be a huge leap to suggest that but possible. But yet she stayed, at least for a time. Why? One reason: Because she was drawn to him, attracted to him. And the the relationship, as dysfunctional and chaotic as it may have been, felt exciting to her. Maybe even her version of "normal" depending on her family background and other issues. Now here you come along, Mr. Nice Guy, her White Knight. Even though white knight was not your intention, reading how you treated her, that is the impression I got. While at first all this felt good and safe, two months into it, try as she might, she's just not into it. For her the feelings aren't there. It's quite possible all your niceness and understanding has turned her off. That is why she has backed off. She feels pressured by you and the type of relationship you're offering, not whatever else she's blaming her stress on. She's easing out gently so as not to hurt you. This is why it's important to discover what happened in previous relationships. If there was abuse and it was toxic, you have to wonder why a person would choose to remain. In many, perhaps even most cases it's because there were strong feelings and the chaos on some unconscious level felt normal. There was tension, she felt off balance and it felt exciting. It takes a long time for a woman to break this toxic cycle and in a way reprogram her mind and heart to develop feelings (beyond sex) to decent nice men like you. I agree back WAY off. I might even suggest simply moving on but that's up to you. But after only two months, I really do think this is done, sorry mate. Edited October 5, 2020 by poppyfields 1
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 What I see is her gently telling you this is way too much, too fast. Back on track means, no more sleep overs, and have time for herself, and friends. You are taken to the back of the line. You can keep this a part time/casual thing, or jump ship and find someone more available. 3
SumGuy Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 3 hours ago, smackie9 said: What I see is her gently telling you this is way too much, too fast. Back on track means, no more sleep overs, and have time for herself, and friends. You are taken to the back of the line. You can keep this a part time/casual thing, or jump ship and find someone more available. Pretty much. And it could be very reasonable given her work and work stress. Also given how new your relationship is (2 months) it is not reasonable to expect the relationship is a refuge for her...even if she loves it. However, this does give you an idea of how she balances things in her life and how she responds to stress. I'd take it as a caution.
Mystery4u Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 She's 27, not 17. If she truly wanted she could find time for you between work/studying/socialising. Definitely looks like a slow fade. 3
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