Taz1985 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 Im writing this post in order to gain some outside perspective. Ive been in a relationship for 9 months with a man up until recent weeks i was very happy & in love with. Maybe ill give a brief background about both of us. Him and I both deeply love and care for one another. We were very happy this summer, and i felt very close to him. He was being a great boyfriend by doing thoughtful things for me and we were out doing fun activities together. and at times i felt like our sex life was improving. currently my bf is going through a lot of stress as a business owner with hiring employees, changes that were made on his store due to covid and plus a large lum of tax money he just paid. At one point he broke down crying in front of me last week, talking about the overwhelming stress. Ive always tried to honor and respect that business is important and a a big priority. ive tried to be a good girlfriend that is supportive. but at this point, i feel put on the back burner because of his job. his mind is somewhere else, not present with me. on the other hand, my mental health has been low. my self esteem even lower. ive been taking time to make changes to improve my well being like, change my job, eating better and looking after myself. i remind myself everyday that its not his job to make me love myself and i cant find happiness through him, its on me. But, in recent weeks I feel so disconnected from my bf sexually, intimately, emotionally. and a part of me cant tell if its because im feeling disconnected from my own self. Ive told my bf my depression but truthfully, he doesnt really ask questions about my struggles, sometimes i dont know how interested he really is in my own life. Maybe look me in the eyes and ask whats truly going on... its usually surface questions, "whats new?" "how was your day?' when deep down im longing for a someone to be genuinely curious about my life. and even the dark side that comes around at times. As for our sex life, its become non-existent in recent weeks too. Hes always been a "wam bam thank you mam" guy which ive spoke up about, not feeling taken care of in that way....but there has been no improvement. he haven't been intimate in 3 weeks. Deep down it hurts because ive made it clear that sex is important to me but again, non exist going on 3 weeks. I dont feel like were sexually compatible talking about my unhappiness in regards to our sex life pushes him away. and recently he told me hes nervous to do it because hes afraid he wont make me happy. He also said a couple weeks ago "i know you dont think im there for you, the way you need, I know you want me to be passionate in the bedroom with you" and in my head im thinking " then do it! One thing ive realized is he is stoned 24/7 on cannibus to help with his stressers...but i dont smoke at all..so we feel on different wave lengths a lot of the time. With my mental health being so shaky, i cant tell if im too sensitive, internalizing a lot of anxiety created in my own mind, or maybe im not being understanding enough that he may be going through his own troubles. Yesterday he came to dinner with my family, stoned out of his mind. after dinner, i was hoping wed maybe have a couple drinks, be romantic and have a fun night. but he said things like " its been a very long day, and tomorrow looks like the same, im very tired" and in the back of my head thought "wow another night of no passion, fall asleep and get up in the morning and go to work like every other night this past 2 weeks"...I find myself feeling more lonely around him then without him. He could see it all over my face, and when he reaches out to be affectionate, i dont feel receptive. I dont feel connected. I feel empty. after an hour of returning home from dinner, he fell asleep. around 1 am i woke up with an over whelming feeling -screaming how unhappy im feeling. even though i didnt have to be at work until the afternoon, i set a fake alarm at 7 am and pretended I had to work...when really i wanted to go to my own house, away from him....to avoid putting on a fake smile in the morning around him, when really i wanted to fall apart and cry. He could tell something is off, he asked me if i was mad many times but i couldnt have the energy to express myself without falling a part. I know im not in a good place mentally and that must be a big part of it all ...but i want to feel sexy around him, i want to feel connected / simulated around him, and i dont in almost every way right now. I want him to tell me im beautiful, and feel special and excited to be together. I feel like im sitting next to a stranger. I feel like a stranger to myself. I understand i need to talk to him, even if it pushes him away. I understand honeymoon phases end. I understand couples got through distant periods. dry spells . and times its not always perfectly happy. weve both put a lot into this relationship. but were I am wondering if im being unreasonable, selfish or just going crazy inside of my own head. I hope it might just be him and i going through our own troubles . I dont want to give up on him, i know the love we have is rare. I dont know what to do, feel or think anymore. im exhausted. any advice? 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) Unfortunately, you have been disconnected and unhappy and dissatisfied with him for almost half the relationship. He can't do much for your depression. You need to see a doctor for that and he can't do much about your struggles, you need a therapist for that. However when it comes to him there are too many incompatibilities and issues for dating 9 mos. Don't hang on hoping he changes. Don't hang on afraid to leave. Edited October 3, 2020 by Wiseman2 4 1
Author Taz1985 Posted October 3, 2020 Author Posted October 3, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: No sex & he's always stoned? Next Right?!
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Taz1985 said: Hes always been a "wam bam thank you mam" guy which ive spoke up about, not feeling taken care of in that way....but there has been no improvement. he haven't been intimate in 3 weeks. Many guys like this, like sex that way. It is all about them, they get turned on, they stick it in, they come and they are done, what's not to like? Now you want messed about with, and he doesn't really know what to do, and he cant really be bothered either... Good sex spoiled...
lonelyplanetmoon Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 I know exactly how you feel! I have many of the same questions myself when in a relationship. At 9 months, you have made an investment and have felt the connection so you have had glimpses of how it could be, so it is hard to walk away from that. I myself find it very hard to walk away from someone who I feel is a good person and has good intentions for me. BUT because of this, I was in a relationship that was one sided, where I made all the effort, where he did whatever he wanted and disregarded me. He was like this because I allowed it by accepting the treatment. That relationship ended painfully but after the end I saw how awful it really was for me. i will never be in a one sided relationship again. I am also about 8-9 months into a new relationship and have had some of your struggles. What I look for is this: 1. It is my responsibility to communicate openly with my bf. Which I do now no matter what. I may suffer some internal battles on how to bring things up. But I do talk about how I feel about things good AND bad. 2. After communicating with him, I want to feel that he has made an effort to listen to me. To make me feel that he cares about how I feel. 3. He either does hear me and makes an effort to adjust his behavior (people are slow to change so you have to give patience). I have to be open and give him credit for his effort starting with little gestures. 4. Or he disagrees with me or my point of view and talks with me in a way to make me feel better about the situation, changing my perspective. At which point I need to do the work to adjust my expectations and compromise while still feeling good about things. 5. Or he disregards me and my feelings by his actions or lack thereof. If this is how I FEEL (trust your feelings) after a couple/few of attempt to talk to him about the same thing or different Things. Then there is no effort and it is a one sided relationship. Time to EXIT. Do not let someone treat you like this. Healthy Relationships are a process and if you don’t get the formula down after one year then do not continue. Find someone else who will work to KEEP YOU. As for your depression, you really need to treat that on your own Depression does cause you to feel disconnected from yourself and so you may want to take a break from seeing him for a month or two to treat your depression. If it was meant to be then he will wait for you. If he does not then you have your answer. 1 1
Sunnyzwei1989 Posted October 4, 2020 Posted October 4, 2020 I’ve been in a relationship similar to this. Could be sitting right next to him and still feel lonely as hell. I was extremely unhappy. And he was so oblivious to how distant we were. He thought everything was fine because we weren’t arguing and bickering. He never asked any probing questions about me, he couldn’t read me at all. Even bringing things up he just seemed to have no empathy at all. It just caused me to lose all feelings for him as I realized this is who he is - take him like this or leave him. I left him. 2
Gaeta Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 I stopped reading at he's stoned 24/7. It's time to move on. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) Anyone who shows up stoned to visit with their bf/gf's family is a total loser. And no sex lately and selfish sex when it used to happen? Leave, like... yesterday. He lost the privilege of your company a long time ago. Then reflect on why you'd ever settle for such poor treatment, and don't do it again. Edited October 5, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 3
smackie9 Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 There you go....we date to see if they have potential for the long haul. You can only be expected to do so much for the relationship...and it take two with enthusiasm to repair the issues....he's just drifting, and not acknowledging he's been neglecting you and the relationship. He's not being a BF to you anymore....that isn't for you to fix, that is your cue to kick him to the curb.
SumGuy Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) On 10/3/2020 at 11:57 AM, Taz1985 said: ...but i want to feel sexy around him, i want to feel connected / simulated around him, and i dont in almost every way right now. I want him to tell me im beautiful, and feel special and excited to be together. I feel like im sitting next to a stranger. I feel like a stranger to myself. I understand i need to talk to him, even if it pushes him away. I understand honeymoon phases end. I understand couples got through distant periods. dry spells . and times its not always perfectly happy. weve both put a lot into this relationship. but were I am wondering if im being unreasonable, selfish or just going crazy inside of my own head. I hope it might just be him and i going through our own troubles . I dont want to give up on him, i know the love we have is rare. I dont know what to do, feel or think anymore. im exhausted. any advice? This is one of those large life challenges and relationship challenges. No matter which way you go you will be making a sacrifice. This is where the rubber meets the road for both of you. If the love you have is rare I would not just let it go....that is me though. You are being reasonable and unreasonable, selfish and unselfish, and it would make anyone stressed and "crazy." Yes you are going through troubles based on a situation that would be troublesome and cause depression in most, letting employees down and loss of a business...which may well mean loss of livelihood, then loss of home, bankruptcy, etc. In no way shape or form is his situation small, it could be life destroying in many ways. I'm certain that he is also fearing losing you, which is not helping the stress. It is natural to want validation from him especially as I am sure his stress is stressing you out to. His response to stress though is not helping, it feels to you like pulling away and hate to say it, but since cannabis is not your thing you are likely freighting that with more negative connotations than is beneficial for you or warranted. I recommend communication, often, open, honest and non-judgmental. To let him know how you feel and not in these times expect him to say what you want him to say, or do what you want him to do without prompting. To prevent resentment. He needs to also be honest with you and try to grow above his fear and tendencies to at least be there for you in words and sentiment if not energy and physicality. If you can make this about facing the situation together, and part of that is f***ing each others brains out , that may help. Just an aside, I've been on both sides in the relationship when times are tough...been the one trying to figure it out (although for me sex is a stress relief) and the one supporting the person figuring it out (and where they want less sex). It is tough. Being the supportive person takes inner strength and letting go your need for validation from the other person whatever form that takes, it is not easy in any way shape or form, but I have found it worth it. Even if the relationship did not last, I was there, and not just a fair weather lover. It does make you a stronger person in life in general. On the other side, lovers that where there for me I always appreciate, I am there for them at least as a friend until my dying day. There is no guarantee on any of this. Maybe I have wasted my life on being there for someone else, but can look myself in the mirror without regrets, and know never gave up without trying a few more times than most would. I know you are not married...but those traditional vows...through thick and thin, in sickness and in health...are not just mere words but recognize the situations in life that often destroy relationships and that take effort above and beyond to get through. Edited October 5, 2020 by SumGuy 1 1
Lorenza Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) Don't ever volunteer for unhappiness. It's your life, make choices that enrich it. No relationship that makes you wake up in the middle of the night, having an anxiety attack is worth it, especially not for an unattentive, preoccupied man who get's stoned all the time. What a worthless companion that makes him. I've been in s***ty relationships that would make me feel choked up with anxiety, deeply unhappy, lonely and exhausted for a big part of my 20's. Time I will never get back. For men who don't matter to me anymore. One of my exes would oooonly care about his career in 3d graphics, he would bring his laptop over to my place, work on his projects, smoke his e-cigarette inside, get sex before going to sleep and then leave early in the morning to not see me for the coming week, until he'd get horny again. I expressed to him, how lonely I felt, only to be told that it's my problem. Until I kicked him to the curb. I was sad for maybe a week or two, and then felt like all my anxieties were lifted, no need to take pills, no need to diffuse lavander oil, no need to cry. Just end it. Become yourself again. Edited October 6, 2020 by Lorenza 5
kendahke Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 With all the detractors you mentioned about him, I'm failing to see why you are still with him? What are you hoping he will change and do, with no evidenced presented so far that he's even interested in changing what he's doing? Time to take off the rose colored glasses and see this guy for exactly who he is right now. He doesn't sound compatible with you.
Author Taz1985 Posted November 9, 2020 Author Posted November 9, 2020 On 10/4/2020 at 1:32 PM, lonelyplanetmoon said: I know exactly how you feel! I have many of the same questions myself when in a relationship. At 9 months, you have made an investment and have felt the connection so you have had glimpses of how it could be, so it is hard to walk away from that. I myself find it very hard to walk away from someone who I feel is a good person and has good intentions for me. BUT because of this, I was in a relationship that was one sided, where I made all the effort, where he did whatever he wanted and disregarded me. He was like this because I allowed it by accepting the treatment. That relationship ended painfully but after the end I saw how awful it really was for me. i will never be in a one sided relationship again. I am also about 8-9 months into a new relationship and have had some of your struggles. What I look for is this: 1. It is my responsibility to communicate openly with my bf. Which I do now no matter what. I may suffer some internal battles on how to bring things up. But I do talk about how I feel about things good AND bad. 2. After communicating with him, I want to feel that he has made an effort to listen to me. To make me feel that he cares about how I feel. 3. He either does hear me and makes an effort to adjust his behavior (people are slow to change so you have to give patience). I have to be open and give him credit for his effort starting with little gestures. 4. Or he disagrees with me or my point of view and talks with me in a way to make me feel better about the situation, changing my perspective. At which point I need to do the work to adjust my expectations and compromise while still feeling good about things. 5. Or he disregards me and my feelings by his actions or lack thereof. If this is how I FEEL (trust your feelings) after a couple/few of attempt to talk to him about the same thing or different Things. Then there is no effort and it is a one sided relationship. Time to EXIT. Do not let someone treat you like this. Healthy Relationships are a process and if you don’t get the formula down after one year then do not continue. Find someone else who will work to KEEP YOU. As for your depression, you really need to treat that on your own Depression does cause you to feel disconnected from yourself and so you may want to take a break from seeing him for a month or two to treat your depression. If it was meant to be then he will wait for you. If he does not then you have your answer. Thank you for the amazing feedback
Author Taz1985 Posted November 9, 2020 Author Posted November 9, 2020 On 10/5/2020 at 11:50 AM, SumGuy said: This is one of those large life challenges and relationship challenges. No matter which way you go you will be making a sacrifice. This is where the rubber meets the road for both of you. If the love you have is rare I would not just let it go....that is me though. You are being reasonable and unreasonable, selfish and unselfish, and it would make anyone stressed and "crazy." Yes you are going through troubles based on a situation that would be troublesome and cause depression in most, letting employees down and loss of a business...which may well mean loss of livelihood, then loss of home, bankruptcy, etc. In no way shape or form is his situation small, it could be life destroying in many ways. I'm certain that he is also fearing losing you, which is not helping the stress. It is natural to want validation from him especially as I am sure his stress is stressing you out to. His response to stress though is not helping, it feels to you like pulling away and hate to say it, but since cannabis is not your thing you are likely freighting that with more negative connotations than is beneficial for you or warranted. I recommend communication, often, open, honest and non-judgmental. To let him know how you feel and not in these times expect him to say what you want him to say, or do what you want him to do without prompting. To prevent resentment. He needs to also be honest with you and try to grow above his fear and tendencies to at least be there for you in words and sentiment if not energy and physicality. If you can make this about facing the situation together, and part of that is f***ing each others brains out , that may help. Just an aside, I've been on both sides in the relationship when times are tough...been the one trying to figure it out (although for me sex is a stress relief) and the one supporting the person figuring it out (and where they want less sex). It is tough. Being the supportive person takes inner strength and letting go your need for validation from the other person whatever form that takes, it is not easy in any way shape or form, but I have found it worth it. Even if the relationship did not last, I was there, and not just a fair weather lover. It does make you a stronger person in life in general. On the other side, lovers that where there for me I always appreciate, I am there for them at least as a friend until my dying day. There is no guarantee on any of this. Maybe I have wasted my life on being there for someone else, but can look myself in the mirror without regrets, and know never gave up without trying a few more times than most would. I know you are not married...but those traditional vows...through thick and thin, in sickness and in health...are not just mere words but recognize the situations in life that often destroy relationships and that take effort above and beyond to get through. Beautiful comment with lots to leave me thinking. Thank you 1
Author Taz1985 Posted November 9, 2020 Author Posted November 9, 2020 On 10/6/2020 at 3:57 AM, Lorenza said: Don't ever volunteer for unhappiness. It's your life, make choices that enrich it. No relationship that makes you wake up in the middle of the night, having an anxiety attack is worth it, especially not for an unattentive, preoccupied man who get's stoned all the time. What a worthless companion that makes him. I've been in s***ty relationships that would make me feel choked up with anxiety, deeply unhappy, lonely and exhausted for a big part of my 20's. Time I will never get back. For men who don't matter to me anymore. One of my exes would oooonly care about his career in 3d graphics, he would bring his laptop over to my place, work on his projects, smoke his e-cigarette inside, get sex before going to sleep and then leave early in the morning to not see me for the coming week, until he'd get horny again. I expressed to him, how lonely I felt, only to be told that it's my problem. Until I kicked him to the curb. I was sad for maybe a week or two, and then felt like all my anxieties were lifted, no need to take pills, no need to diffuse lavander oil, no need to cry. Just end it. Become yourself again. I agree 100% we should not volunteer for unhappiness. Especially to a man that’s so oblivious and one sided.
Recommended Posts