Kara_nia Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 Hello, I'm in my 30s and went through a fair amount of break-up in my life. Some were more painful than others, but the last one is really difficult and is having a huge impact on myself. I really feel depressed, lost, empty and not sure about what to do, when... I have zero energy and sleep very bad. I'm having weird dreams and nightmares, I dream of him, forgetting during my sleep that I ended the relationship. It's the first time I have to do this with someone I love so much. We've been together for a year, and he has always been pretty distant with his emotions, he was caring, kind and affectionnate but would never talk or mention his feelings, never use pet names, never talked about love, never had small gestures that I usually have in my relationship... I thought it was because he didn't have much experience in his past (workaholic, never had time for a girlfriend) so I gave him time. But something wasn't feeling right, I was always the only one to talk about the future, to make plans... He was just nodding but never planned anything. I was always the one making efforts and giving all I could to the relation when he was more going with the flow. And I started to feel really sad and unhappy, so I tried to talk to him a few times about it, he would always reassure me that he liked me, he had feelings, he wanted me to stay, he wanted a future together... So I stayed. And then recently he admitted that he never knew. He never knew during this whole year if I was the one, the right person for him, if he loved me or not, if he wanted a long-term relationship with me or not... But instead of telling me his doubts and let me take a decision from there about staying or leaving, he always lied. So I broke up, because it's been a lot of lies and I don't trust him anymore, at all (when I use to blindly trust him 100%). He now pretends he knows that he loves me and wants a future but we are now long-distance anyway so I doubt it's true. I told him that I wanted to stop contacting each other for a while, because it's painful for me and I feel very hurt. He apologized many times, tried to convince me a last time to stay together, and is now respecting my request. But not having him in my life anymore is so painful, because I love him, he is my best friend, and he was a huge part of my life and projects. I deleted his number on my phone to make sure I won't give up and contact him, which seem reasonable even though I regret it. I know I took the right decision but the pain seem unbearable and impossible to overcome. I'm pretty isolated at the moment from friends and family (and civilization, really) so that's not helping either. I'll gladly take any advice. Thank you !
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 You can't love somebody enough for both of you to sustain the relationship. You weren't fulfilled so you acted in the hopes that you will free yourself from something that wasn't working so you will be free to find a love that works. It sucks because breaking up with him hurt. You are grieving for something that you lost & that is normal. Especially since you were his 1st love, he doesn't know what he's doing or what he's feeling. As much as you care about him it's unlikely that you, his 1st ever SO, are the love of his life. Grieve Heal. Move forward. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 53 minutes ago, Kara_nia said: But not having him in my life anymore is so painful, because I love him, he is my best friend, and he was a huge part of my life and projects. Sorry to hear this. What projects was he involved in? Sadly it sounds like was just coasting along and never in with both feet. If you go back he will continue to string you along. People who are this lazy/indifferent in a relationship expect someone like you to come along and drag them along. It sounds exhausting. You are most likely recovering from the draining effects of being with someone like this, more so than the breakup itself. Sort of a coaster hangover As for sadness, insomnia, etc. see a doctor if that helps. 1
Author Kara_nia Posted October 3, 2020 Author Posted October 3, 2020 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You can't love somebody enough for both of you to sustain the relationship. Especially since you were his 1st love, he doesn't know what he's doing or what he's feeling. As much as you care about him it's unlikely that you, his 1st ever SO, are the love of his life. Thank you. Yes you're right, and this it what I've tried to do for a year, love enough for both of us. I needed to read that, thanks. I'm not exactly his first love, he had a long term relationship in his early 20s and then nothing else until he met me. But I get your point, and that could completely be part of why he was so hesitant in deciding to be or not in a long term relationship with me. Now it makes more sense. He discovered through my eyes that yes, he is attractive, he can be loved and appreciated for who he is (he was really surprised that I wanted to be with him at first, and then couldn't really understand why I was attracted to him) so maybe he wanted to keep his options open. Actually this is something I should look into because it's the second time it happens, me being with someone that doesn't have much experience, he then gains self-confidence while being with me and then decide to not be in something serious with me but go see if the grass is greener somewhere else.
Author Kara_nia Posted October 3, 2020 Author Posted October 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear this. What projects was he involved in? Sadly it sounds like was just coasting along and never in with both feet. If you go back he will continue to string you along. People who are this lazy/indifferent in a relationship expect someone like you to come along and drag them along. It sounds exhausting. You are most likely recovering from the draining effects of being with someone like this, more so than the breakup itself. Sort of a coaster hangover As for sadness, insomnia, etc. see a doctor if that helps. Thanks, I needed to be reminded of that, specially tonight,to not go back to him. Coasting along is the perfect expression to sum up his behavior. It's interesting to know about the "coaster hangover" you're talking about. I didn't consider it under this side, but that would make sense. I got so many health issues (stress related) that completely disappeared when I moved out of his house a few weeks ago. Probably need more time to heal my brain and heart now. I took an appointment with a counsellor but it's in 2 weeks. I guess I will go through ups and downs for a bit until then. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Kara_nia said: Thanks, I needed to be reminded of that, specially tonight,to not go back to him. Coasting along is the perfect expression to sum up his behavior. It's interesting to know about the "coaster hangover" you're talking about. I didn't consider it under this side, but that would make sense. I got so many health issues (stress related) that completely disappeared when I moved out of his house a few weeks ago. Probably need more time to heal my brain and heart now. I took an appointment with a counsellor but it's in 2 weeks. I guess I will go through ups and downs for a bit until then. Excellent. Yes leaving is hard but in this case staying is harder. This health risk/stress assessment tool may interest you: https://www.mdapp.co/holmes-and-rahe-stress-scale-calculator-253/ Edited October 3, 2020 by Wiseman2
Author Kara_nia Posted October 4, 2020 Author Posted October 4, 2020 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Excellent. Yes leaving is hard but in this case staying is harder. This health risk/stress assessment tool may interest you: https://www.mdapp.co/holmes-and-rahe-stress-scale-calculator-253/ Thank you, I never heard about it before and that is extremely interesting (I've done it and I'm definitely at high risk, so I am going to work on making enough changes and improvement to lower this rate, this will be my main goal for the next few months) 1
Voivoda Posted October 7, 2020 Posted October 7, 2020 Since he was in a long relationship before he met you(maybe someting in between) is possible that he was damaged/betrayed in his prev. relationship and has trust issues now. It's possible that he is now very reseverved and afraid to open up and make himself vulnarable. Once you left, it created this feeling of scarcity in him, so he started calling you, seeking your attention and what not. So maybe he loves you too, but it's a bit of a problem that you need leave him in order to trigger a reaction. He told you that he wasn't sure if you are the right person after an year, then you absolutely made the right choice in my opinion. Best of luck
Ferry Posted December 17, 2020 Posted December 17, 2020 He sounds exactly like my ex who just left. We were together for more than 2 years. He was going through a divorce where he was cheated on. First month we were together he wanted to get married immediately but after a year or so he wasn’t sure anymore (gained confidence). After that it was back and forth relationship until he left. I am feeling so lost and so hurt and scared of a solo future. I’ve signed up for a 3 days yoga retreat and thinking to join regular yoga sessions. I’ve also signed up for a psychology weight loss program I hope it will help. How are things going with you now? Have you found anything helpful to help you get through the emotions pain?
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