blonde Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Mark and I met 12 months ago and fell in love instantly ... we are the perfect fit. We planned to move in together after about 3 months ... but it was then i got cold feet and tried to cool things. We became "friends with benefits" ... he went out with a woman once or twice and I met an online friend a few times but we always ended up back with each other. Another problem I had was that my two teenage girls (who are major problem to me ... we are currently in family therapy) dont like him (personally i dont think they'd like anyone!) and made it very uncomfortable when he was around. For the last six months he says he has comes to terms with loving me as a friend ... as i had requested ... but he has now met someone new and has been dating her for a month. He gets on very well with this woman ... quote "likes her a lot" ... and her kids ... and stays over at her place once a week without dramas. When I found out about this woman I was devastated and it made me realise that my cold feet were due to the fact that I rejected him so he wouldnt not reject me first (I have a bit of a problem with that). I know i love him with all my heart and desperately want to make a go of it. We met on Tuesday and he told he me still is "in love" with me ... he only said he thought of me as just a friend because it was what he conditioned himself to do ... and that he can't imagine not having me in his life. He said if only I had told him how I felt before he met the new woman we could have made a go of it, although he also told me he is not in love with her yet (yet being the operative word??). But it was his meeting the new woman that made me realise what I really want in life and that is a relationship with him ... its like ive gone the full circle ... learning lots of lessons along the way ... and I would like the opportunity to make a go of it with him. I explained to him my commitment to wanting to work at having a relationship with him and my children ... changes i have made/am making to my outlook ... and he says he is so happy about me being so positive and would like to be there to support me/my girls and share our lives but he has become so conditioned to the fact that we are "just friends". What i dont understand is that if he loves me ... and I am very confident that he does mean what he says ... why is the other person so significant ... i mean i know i love him and i want to have a life with him ... and i would forego anything for that ... i can understand he has issues of trust wtih me and fears it may go back to me getting cold feet again ... I think of him all day every day (why do u think i am here writing this!) ... we are now speaking almost daily ... i just wish there was a way to convince him that i know what i want and i have got my head together ... I need a good plan!!! Any ideas gratefully accepted!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 ... why is the other person so significant ... Because its a new drama-free relationship, with fresh possibilities and hope for an exciting unknown future. He's already been down that road with you, and no longer feels this way about you from what he's saying. There is no doubt that he loves and cares for you, but it looks like he has chosen a different path in terms of his romantic interests. i just wish there was a way to convince him that i know what i want and i have got my head together ... and he says he is so happy about me being so positive and would like to be there to support me/my girls and share our lives but he has become so conditioned to the fact that we are "just friends". He already knows how you feel, and knows you have your head together, but that doesn't change the fact that he is finding the happiness he wants to have with someone else now. Unfortunately, there ARE expiration dates on emotional investments when they are heavily unbalanced between partners - those investments when not returned or reciprocated are either spoiled (changed) or simply die. It sounds like in this case, the type of emotional investment he had in you simply changed, and doesn't appear to be likely to change back. You can continue to talk to him about this, but understand that eventually this will create distance between you two as he becomes more pressured to return feelings to you that he no longer feels. The distance is bound to happen anyway, the more serious he gets with this other woman, so you may want to consider the very real possibility that you will need to move on without him.
Author blonde Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 ty for ur reply ... and i understand what you're saying ... and i think u r probably very correct ... however Mark IS considering coming back to me ... he said its what he wanted for so long ... how can i say ... he tells me its what he wants ... but he is confused ... he says he wants to see me again (which i am sure will end up with us having sex ... it always does ... thats just another aspect of our perfect fit) ... but he wants to keep seeing the other woman ... the guy is torn ... i can understand that ... i just want a second chance to prove myself ... and us ... if he really loved me as he says he still does (which is not just as a friend) ... why the hesitation?
crazy_grl Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 why the hesitation? He's already been burned once. If I were him, I might wonder if you only want what you can't have. You said you think you're going to end up having sex. If you want to continue to respect each other and have the chance at a healthy relationship, don't do that unless he's broken it off with the other woman. Don't make him a cheater. If you two have sex, it's going to create drama and make the whole thing carry on longer. I think the only thing you can do is wait for him to make a decision, but don't be a pushover and let him have both of you while he decides. Tell him you're going to step back and give him time to decide.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Do not, repeat DO NOT have sex with him while he is dating someone else. If you do that, you are sending him the message that you are willing to settle for being his "side item" in his otherwise happy relationship with someone else. You do not want to get caught in the OW trap in this. If you do, he will come back to you - but if he knows that he can have this other relationship AND have you, he will continue to see you as just the OW. If you want him to yourself, you need to make sure that he gets the benefits from that ONLY when he is not otherwise involved with someone else, and you are his ONLY woman and not his OTHER woman. If you want a real second chance, then fight for one. You will not get that second chance that you really want if you allow yourself to be his OW. You'll get a second chance, but wouldn't you rather it be under the circumstances of him being in a committed monogamous relationship with you and not the circumstances of having to sneak behind his new girlfriend's back to have sex with you and then return back to his new girlfriend? Let him know that when the new girlfriend is out of the picture, you will be more than happy to start a future with him. DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS.
Author blonde Posted October 13, 2005 Author Posted October 13, 2005 wow ... everything seems so much clearer when its in writing ... and thank u for your input ... however when you say "if i want a second chance then FIGHT for it" ... how??? and how long am I supposed to wait till he makes up his mind? he has not told the new woman that he met with me on tuesday and confessed his love for me ... so he is in fact deceiving her already i would think ... if the relationship was that important he would tell her ... he said he will tell her if and when we get back together ... i know all this makes me sound like i am incapable of making my own decisions ... its just that i really appreciate what u r saying here ... and its so good to be able to bounce all my confusion off someone who obviously knows that they are talking about ... so if u have the time for a little further input i would be most grateful. Thanks!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Part of fighting for that second chance is gathering up your strength to give him a real choice to make. He won't make a choice, if there is no reason for him to make one. If you continue to let him see you while he has a girlfriend, he will continue to lie to his girlfriend and see you. He won't make a choice here, because just by 'being there' for him, he doesn't have to. How to give him a choice? Let him know that you cannot continue to see him or talk to him while you two have these feelings for each other and he has a girlfriend. Then, follow through. If he knows that the ONLY way he can see you or talk to you is by breaking things off with this girl, then THAT is a real choice. He will have to think really hard about it if he can't have things both way. He will literally have to choose you or choose her, and by choosing one he eliminates the other from his life permanently. Tough choice, but at least he will have a real choice to make. You will have to decide how much you are willing to lose though, in order to fight for what you want. If you are not willing to lose him, and you are willing to lower your expectations so that you will not lose him then do not consider such a bold move as above. Only go that route if you are 100% unwilling to settle for less by being his OW. If you make that move, and then cave in - he will know without a doubt that he can have his cake and eat it too, for as long as he likes. You have to think really hard about what it is you want, and to what extent you are willing to fight for more or settle for less. Do not make any moves that you know you are not strong enough to follow through on. Give yourself some time, and while you are taking this time - continue to see him, but try to stop talking about the relationship (just do fun stuff instead, everyday stuff you used to do), and DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Having sex with him will not make him want to make a choice. If anything, it will delay any choice he may even consider making.
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