Should I be concerned about this weirdness after sex or am I just reading into it too much?

October 1, 2020

I’ve been seeing this guy for a week. We’ve been on three dates during that time and they have been lovely and it’s been very fun getting to know him. I like him and want to keep seeing him.

We had our third date last night and we ended up back at his place. We had sex for the first time and it was….awkward.

He was really focused on my pleasure which was nice, but I can’t orgasm without a strong emotional connection. I’m not there yet with him. He kept trying and trying and trying and I finally just had to politely tell him to stop because it wasn’t gonna happen. I explained that it’s just a comfort thing, and once I feel more comfortable with him it won’t be an issue because I’m very attracted to him and what he’s doing feels good. I felt self-conscious and bad about it and he seemed to pick up on that and was really genuine and sweet in telling me not to worry about.

Anyways, doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy sex, so we moved on. And he came really, really quickly. I don’t mind at all, in fact I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it really except he immediately got all apologetic and embarrassed. He started getting defensive saying that doesn’t usually happen, it’s just because we had been going at it so long trying to get me to orgasm that he was super turned on. I can’t remember exactly how I reacted but I know I didn’t really make a big deal out of it. Maybe I laughed? But not in a mean way, just like “oh haha don’t worry I’m having fun!”

I feel like after that he immediately shut down. It was getting late, so it’s possible he was just tired, but I don’t know. We cuddled for a little while but he wasn’t touching me as much as he usually does and he was being really quiet. I went to kiss him and he didn’t seem super into it (and he’s usually SUPER turned on by me). Then he politely suggested I should probably get going. I do think he was actually falling asleep a little bit, so I understand I can reasonably look past all this.

But then the rest just got even weirder. He walked me home (about 20 min walk) and he was being super quiet and I felt like he could barely look me in the eye the whole way. When we got to my place, I asked if he was busy this weekend and he kinda fumbled through his words and was like “uhhhh I don’t think but I’m not sure so uhhh I’ll let you know” then kissed me super quickly and with no emotion then practically sprinted away from me. I texted him when I made it up to my apartment to say I had a really good time and he never replied (again, it was late, but still that seems odd especially since I knew he was up and walking home).

I mean geez. I get that our encounter was a little awkward, but I’d say it was 98% really fun and 2% awkward. It was a great date and he was very clearly into me until that very last bit. I genuinely can’t tell if he was just tired or what. I haven’t heard from him all day today either, although there’s still a few reasonable hours left. I would text him, but I feel like maybe I need to give him space. I’m feeling really anxious that I’m just never going to hear from him again though.

I don’t really know what I’m asking, because I guess I just have to wait and see if he reaches out. I guess I just need someone to talk me off this ledge of anxiety. Stuff like this happens right? And it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to see me again? I do quite like him.

October 1, 2020

Yah stuff like this happens. If it makes you feel any better it is nothing to do with you or how you reacted, and your sexual response is not at all unusual. Nor is your sexual response one I'd be concerned about if I was him...well unless this was like the 20th time and we had been dating for 6 months.

I'd say his reaction of one who is a but insecure and beating himself up, embarrassment or something, some feeling he "failed." The wise move would have been to cuddle you, kiss, and take you at your word that it was all good. Especially after you asked to see him again.

Don't stress about it, not a bad idea to give him space. If his reaction isn't putting you off too much maybe follow up with him in a bit to see how he is.

In this case it really is him and not you.

October 2, 2020

Hi levin, sounds like something rubbed him the wrong way either during or after sex, which you probably figured yourself anyway. But I mean man, he just couldn’t get away fast enough, could he, WOW! I’d be quite put off by that myself.

Then again, it's possible it's something internal, like a fear of some sort. Fear of intimacy or fear of closeness that caused him to want to flee, I’ve actually heard of that happening for some men immediately after sex. It’s really anyone’s guess.

All you can do is wait. I would not reach out to him again, give him time to let this all marinate. It all seems to have transpired very quickly, three dates in one week and then sex. That’s fast!

You’re just gonna have to live with a bit of uncertainty for a while I’m afraid. I will be very surprised if he decides to just ghost, although it’s possible.

But ghosting immediately after sex? That is the bottom of the barrel as far as I am concerned. And if he does do that, good riddance. But let’s not jump the gun on that just yet.

Try to relax, Yoga helps calm me A LOT. So does going for short run.

Good luck! I hope he contacts you soon, let us know!

Edited October 2, 2020 by poppyfields

October 2, 2020

1 hour ago, levin78 said:

I’ve been seeing this guy for a week. We’ve been on three dates during that time and they have been lovely and it’s been very fun getting to know him. I like him and want to keep seeing him.

We had our third date last night and we ended up back at his place. We had sex for the first time and it was….awkward.

He was really focused on my pleasure which was nice, but I can’t orgasm without a strong emotional connection. I’m not there yet with him. He kept trying and trying and trying and I finally just had to politely tell him to stop because it wasn’t gonna happen. I explained that it’s just a comfort thing, and once I feel more comfortable with him it won’t be an issue because I’m very attracted to him and what he’s doing feels good. I felt self-conscious and bad about it and he seemed to pick up on that and was really genuine and sweet in telling me not to worry about.

Anyways, doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy sex, so we moved on. And he came really, really quickly. I don’t mind at all, in fact I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it really except he immediately got all apologetic and embarrassed. He started getting defensive saying that doesn’t usually happen, it’s just because we had been going at it so long trying to get me to orgasm that he was super turned on. I can’t remember exactly how I reacted but I know I didn’t really make a big deal out of it. Maybe I laughed? But not in a mean way, just like “oh haha don’t worry I’m having fun!”

I feel like after that he immediately shut down. It was getting late, so it’s possible he was just tired, but I don’t know. We cuddled for a little while but he wasn’t touching me as much as he usually does and he was being really quiet. I went to kiss him and he didn’t seem super into it (and he’s usually SUPER turned on by me). Then he politely suggested I should probably get going. I do think he was actually falling asleep a little bit, so I understand I can reasonably look past all this.

But then the rest just got even weirder. He walked me home (about 20 min walk) and he was being super quiet and I felt like he could barely look me in the eye the whole way. When we got to my place, I asked if he was busy this weekend and he kinda fumbled through his words and was like “uhhhh I don’t think but I’m not sure so uhhh I’ll let you know” then kissed me super quickly and with no emotion then practically sprinted away from me. I texted him when I made it up to my apartment to say I had a really good time and he never replied (again, it was late, but still that seems odd especially since I knew he was up and walking home).

I mean geez. I get that our encounter was a little awkward, but I’d say it was 98% really fun and 2% awkward. It was a great date and he was very clearly into me until that very last bit. I genuinely can’t tell if he was just tired or what. I haven’t heard from him all day today either, although there’s still a few reasonable hours left. I would text him, but I feel like maybe I need to give him space. I’m feeling really anxious that I’m just never going to hear from him again though.

I don’t really know what I’m asking, because I guess I just have to wait and see if he reaches out. I guess I just need someone to talk me off this ledge of anxiety. Stuff like this happens right? And it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to see me again? I do quite like him.

Yep I think it was that laugh it must of hit a raw point for him. Nothing to worry about give him some space and mention the laugh was just you making it less awkward for him and just say you didn't mean anything by it was more so it was you showing to him it was ok he will come around

Edited October 2, 2020 by Goodguy05

October 2, 2020

Levin, not to invalidate a fellow poster's opinion, but I wouldn't mention anything about the laugh.

First off, you don't even know if his distance now "is" because you laughed and second, unless you did something totally egregious (which you didn't), don't ever feel you have to apologize or give an explanation for being "you."

IF he responds to the text you sent and mentions it, okay then it's okay to explain. But other than that, no need to even bring it up imo.

October 2, 2020

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Levin, not to invalidate a fellow poster's opinion, but I wouldn't mention anything about the laugh.

First off, you don't even know if his distance now "is" because you laughed and second, unless you did something totally egregious (which you didn't), don't ever feel you have to apologize or give an explanation for being "you."

IF he responds to the text you sent and mentions it, okay then it's okay to explain. But other than that, no need to even bring it up imo.

Thanks for the initial advice and this added input!

Interestingly enough a few other people have told me it might've been the laugh which was why I tried to clarify in the post it wasn't really like a LAUGH it was more of a smile and a very soft chuckle while I said "hey, really it's okay". It's not like he came and I started cracking up and was like "wow you loser you can't last longer than that?". In fact I wouldn't have even mentioned it (or honestly even noticed it), he was the one that immediately was like "oh my god I'm so sorry I can't believe that happened that doesn't usually happen oh my god". I don't really know what else I was supposed to do or say to him....Maybe that's just me not understanding the male psyche, but it's really not that big of a deal to me that he didn't last long. Especially since he definitely proved he was willing to satisfy me in other ways.

So yeah if that's it at least I can take full comfort in knowing that's 100% a HIM problem and not a ME problem lol. I'll give him a few days to get over it.

October 2, 2020

Levin, jmo but I have a feeling he would have wanted to get away, in the manner that he did (fast, cold!) even if the sex had been fantastic.

It all simply happened too fast. He had not emotionally bonded yet. Again, three dates in one week, then sex; I think he freaked himself out and ran.

Sadly, it's quite common in today's dating environment.

Let us know if you hear back. If me, I wouldn't be holding my breath, but ya never know.

Good luck.

October 2, 2020

My take on the situation is that he was tired and it was all just getting a bit much to deal with in the middle of the night, especially when he had to spend 20 minutes walking you there and then back home again. Having to plan a date right there and then or even respond to another text was just too much.

You have already been out on three dates in the space of a week, which is a lot, so perhaps making plans again so quickly might be a bit much at this stage? It's a bit intense. It might feel a bit overwhelming for him. He might start to question whether he has just got himself into a situation where he is in an instant serious relationship in the space of a week. Does that not feel overwhelming to you too?

I understand how easy it is to get carried away when you like each other in the early stages, but there is a risk that it will burn out too quickly. I'd just take a step back for a minute and give each other some time to just process what is going on.

Remember this has only been a week.

Edited October 2, 2020 by La.Primavera

October 2, 2020

Agree with the others - his reaction is one of shame and embarrassment over not performing as he felt he should. You've shrugged it off as no big deal, which is a double edged sword - it can serve as reassurance, but any attempt at humour can be poorly received since he's really sensitive to it.

If you get to talk to him again, make the point clearly that one poor performance (they do happen to most guys from time to time!) doesn't detract from what you think of him, and that you still had a lot of fun and you'd be happy to keep seeing him.

Besides, it's been a week! As you find out about each other in the bedroom, you'll have the odd misstep here and there.

October 2, 2020

2 minutes ago, La.Primavera said:

My take on the situation is that he was tired and it was all just getting a bit much to deal with in the middle of the night, especially when he had to spend 20 minutes walking you there and then back home again. Having to plan a date right there and then or even respond to another text was just too much.

You have already been out on three dates in the space of a week, which is a lot, so perhaps making plans again so quickly might be a bit much at this stage? It's a bit intense. It might feel a bit overwhelming for him. He might start to question whether he has just got himself into a situation where he is in an instant serious relationship in the space of a week. Does that not feel overwhelming to you too?

I understand how easy it is to get carried away when you like each other in the early stages, but there is a risk that it will burn out too quickly. I'd just take a step back for a minute and give each other some time to just process what is going on.

Remember this has only been a week.

Yeah I hadn't thought of it this way, but I actually think this sounds totally reasonable. Only thing I'll say is he was the one who initiated all the dates, almost to the point of being pushy about them (my job is very demanding so my free time is limited) so that's on him. But it's still a lot.

That being said, maybe that builds the case for him just using me and now he got what he wanted so he's done.

Either way I guess waiting it out seems like the move. Either he needs space and I'll benefit by letting him reach out again when he's ready or he's not looking for the same thing as me and I dodge a bullet. Win-Win!

October 2, 2020

17 minutes ago, levin78 said:

Only thing I'll say is he was the one who initiated all the dates, almost to the point of being pushy about them...

This^ is typical levin. At least in my experience and many of my friends.

YOU have to slow him down, otherwise like I said, he ends up freaking himself out.

Knowing what I know now, no way on god's green earth would I agree to three dates in one week.

The pushiness would also have raised red flags for me.

When men start out that fast, sorry to say they often fade out just as fast.

This wasn't even a fade, it was a fast and sudden bolt!

Anyway, hope he reaches out, but if me I'd be meeting and dating other men. xo

Edited October 2, 2020 by poppyfields

October 2, 2020

47 minutes ago, levin78 said:

Yeah I hadn't thought of it this way, but I actually think this sounds totally reasonable. Only thing I'll say is he was the one who initiated all the dates, almost to the point of being pushy about them (my job is very demanding so my free time is limited) so that's on him. But it's still a lot.

That being said, maybe that builds the case for him just using me and now he got what he wanted so he's done.

Either way I guess waiting it out seems like the move. Either he needs space and I'll benefit by letting him reach out again when he's ready or he's not looking for the same thing as me and I dodge a bullet. Win-Win!

I'm not saying I think it is totally one sided. It takes two to agree to the pace of things! I think he was equally caught up in the excitement of meeting someone he really liked. Some men can get carried away by their hormones in this respect too, so it is possible there was a major crash afterwards.

I hope there was a bit more to it than that for him though and that things work out!

Edited October 2, 2020 by La.Primavera

October 2, 2020

Yeah, he shamed out ... on you ... It's so sad because things like this just happen. No need to feel shame ... But what this tells you is that he's had this "issue" before and he has tons of shame about it--absolutely none of the confidence you showed.

What is striking is that you had your own issues ... and yet, he apparently blamed himself for being too quick.

I hate to say it. This guy has lots of shame. You probably want to leave him be. People suffering this level of shame are really hard to love, really hard to partner with. You'll spend so much time and energy cheering him--or rather attempting to cheer him up--over nonsense, that when a real crisis comes along you're going to be exhausted.

Sounds like he has some serious anxiety and fear going on. And really there's not much you can do. Don't fall for the fantasy that you can cure him and make him feel safe and all of that. It is one of the sad ironies of shame and embarrassment that it's not any particular action that brings on the shame, it's the tendency to shame yourself that brings on the shame.

I once heard a sex therapist talk (her specialty was dealing with anxiety and sexuality) and she said something along the lines of the best thing to do in this situation would be for the guy to crack up laughing. She was like, you don't freak out and retreat and shut down because you go too fast ... or ... and what she was mostly talking about ... you can't uh ... go at all. When I first heard this woman say this, it really didn't quite make sense to me. Now it makes total sense. Sorta like spilling a big drink on yourself on a date. You can laugh and keep going ... or you can somehow feel ashamed.

The guy shut down. That's a red flag. Relax ... don't pursue him ... You can call him and invite him out just to see if he can push his shame aside. But sounds like he's got deeper issues going on.

October 2, 2020

29 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I hate to say it. This guy has lots of shame. You probably want to leave him be. People suffering this level of shame are really hard to love, really hard to partner with. You'll spend so much time and energy cheering him--or rather attempting to cheer him up--over nonsense, that when a real crisis comes along you're going to be exhausted.

This.

You'll be exhausted and it will erode your self-esteem.

Edited October 2, 2020 by Acacia98

October 2, 2020

It sounds like he's like me in a sense of, I get off pleasing the lady I care about...I know not many men are like this. Personally, I have never been with a women that had a block in place concerning comfort with the gentleman, usually if you being intimate your rather comfortable. maybe this just happened too quickly ? having sex

October 2, 2020

Oh ... and his pleasing you ... that may be part of his insecurity as well. I'm not saying a man shouldn't be focused on pleasing a woman, but the way you describe it, it was almost like planned out, mechanic--not really fluid and in the moment of what you guys were really feeling. That type of focus on "pleasing" the other can be (does not have to be) a sign of shame. He only feels relaxed if you orgasm first.

October 2, 2020

Jeez, he didn't even ask you to spend the night after having sex with you? Sounds like major issues to me.

October 2, 2020

7 hours ago, levin78 said:

I’ve been seeing this guy for a week. We’ve been on three dates during that time and they have been lovely and it’s been very fun getting to know him. I like him and want to keep seeing him.

We had our third date last night and we ended up back at his place. We had sex for the first time and it was….awkward.

He was really focused on my pleasure which was nice, but I can’t orgasm without a strong emotional connection. I’m not there yet with him. He kept trying and trying and trying and I finally just had to politely tell him to stop because it wasn’t gonna happen. I explained that it’s just a comfort thing, and once I feel more comfortable with him it won’t be an issue because I’m very attracted to him and what he’s doing feels good. I felt self-conscious and bad about it and he seemed to pick up on that and was really genuine and sweet in telling me not to worry about.

Anyways, doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy sex, so we moved on. And he came really, really quickly. I don’t mind at all, in fact I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it really except he immediately got all apologetic and embarrassed. He started getting defensive saying that doesn’t usually happen, it’s just because we had been going at it so long trying to get me to orgasm that he was super turned on. I can’t remember exactly how I reacted but I know I didn’t really make a big deal out of it. Maybe I laughed? But not in a mean way, just like “oh haha don’t worry I’m having fun!”

I feel like after that he immediately shut down. It was getting late, so it’s possible he was just tired, but I don’t know. We cuddled for a little while but he wasn’t touching me as much as he usually does and he was being really quiet. I went to kiss him and he didn’t seem super into it (and he’s usually SUPER turned on by me). Then he politely suggested I should probably get going. I do think he was actually falling asleep a little bit, so I understand I can reasonably look past all this.

But then the rest just got even weirder. He walked me home (about 20 min walk) and he was being super quiet and I felt like he could barely look me in the eye the whole way. When we got to my place, I asked if he was busy this weekend and he kinda fumbled through his words and was like “uhhhh I don’t think but I’m not sure so uhhh I’ll let you know” then kissed me super quickly and with no emotion then practically sprinted away from me. I texted him when I made it up to my apartment to say I had a really good time and he never replied (again, it was late, but still that seems odd especially since I knew he was up and walking home).

I mean geez. I get that our encounter was a little awkward, but I’d say it was 98% really fun and 2% awkward. It was a great date and he was very clearly into me until that very last bit. I genuinely can’t tell if he was just tired or what. I haven’t heard from him all day today either, although there’s still a few reasonable hours left. I would text him, but I feel like maybe I need to give him space. I’m feeling really anxious that I’m just never going to hear from him again though.

I don’t really know what I’m asking, because I guess I just have to wait and see if he reaches out. I guess I just need someone to talk me off this ledge of anxiety. Stuff like this happens right? And it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to see me again? I do quite like him.

I know that this might be a woman's thing (to need a connection) but I'm the same way too. It's very important to have a connection so that you can truly relax and enjoy each other. Either it was all about getting the sex and conquering, or he feels terrible that he was not able to please you, and felt terrible in receiving without giving. You don't know one's mind that soon in a relationship. You really should get further along in a connection. You need to love laugh and experience things that bring you close together. the sex comes easy when an acquaintance is allowed to turn into a connection or a relationship first.

October 2, 2020

Ok it's about his ego. Just delete and block him.

If you "need an emotional connection" don't just hookup with randoms.

Next time date for a while, have the exclusive talk first and have sex when you are ready.

Don't just hop in bed to hang on to a guy if what you really want is dating/relationships and a connection.

October 2, 2020

15 hours ago, levin78 said:

He was really focused on my pleasure which was nice, but I can’t orgasm without a strong emotional connection. I’m not there yet with him.

If this was the case why get into bed with him if you weren't ready? I agree with Wiseman that you should have waited and had the talk first so you both would be more comfortable.

October 2, 2020

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If this was the case why get into bed with him if you weren't ready? I agree with Wiseman that you should have waited and had the talk first so you both would be more comfortable.

Edited October 2, 2020 by poppyfields

October 2, 2020

give him space and see what happens.

October 2, 2020

15 hours ago, levin78 said:

I’ve been seeing this guy for a week. We’ve been on three dates during that time and they have been lovely and it’s been very fun getting to know him. I like him and want to keep seeing him.

We had our third date last night and we ended up back at his place. We had sex for the first time and it was….awkward.

He was really focused on my pleasure which was nice, but I can’t orgasm without a strong emotional connection. I’m not there yet with him. He kept trying and trying and trying and I finally just had to politely tell him to stop because it wasn’t gonna happen. I explained that it’s just a comfort thing, and once I feel more comfortable with him it won’t be an issue because I’m very attracted to him and what he’s doing feels good. I felt self-conscious and bad about it and he seemed to pick up on that and was really genuine and sweet in telling me not to worry about.

Anyways, doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy sex, so we moved on. And he came really, really quickly. I don’t mind at all, in fact I probably wouldn’t have even noticed it really except he immediately got all apologetic and embarrassed. He started getting defensive saying that doesn’t usually happen, it’s just because we had been going at it so long trying to get me to orgasm that he was super turned on. I can’t remember exactly how I reacted but I know I didn’t really make a big deal out of it. Maybe I laughed? But not in a mean way, just like “oh haha don’t worry I’m having fun!”

I feel like after that he immediately shut down. It was getting late, so it’s possible he was just tired, but I don’t know. We cuddled for a little while but he wasn’t touching me as much as he usually does and he was being really quiet. I went to kiss him and he didn’t seem super into it (and he’s usually SUPER turned on by me). Then he politely suggested I should probably get going. I do think he was actually falling asleep a little bit, so I understand I can reasonably look past all this.

But then the rest just got even weirder. He walked me home (about 20 min walk) and he was being super quiet and I felt like he could barely look me in the eye the whole way. When we got to my place, I asked if he was busy this weekend and he kinda fumbled through his words and was like “uhhhh I don’t think but I’m not sure so uhhh I’ll let you know” then kissed me super quickly and with no emotion then practically sprinted away from me. I texted him when I made it up to my apartment to say I had a really good time and he never replied (again, it was late, but still that seems odd especially since I knew he was up and walking home).

I mean geez. I get that our encounter was a little awkward, but I’d say it was 98% really fun and 2% awkward. It was a great date and he was very clearly into me until that very last bit. I genuinely can’t tell if he was just tired or what. I haven’t heard from him all day today either, although there’s still a few reasonable hours left. I would text him, but I feel like maybe I need to give him space. I’m feeling really anxious that I’m just never going to hear from him again though.

I don’t really know what I’m asking, because I guess I just have to wait and see if he reaches out. I guess I just need someone to talk me off this ledge of anxiety. Stuff like this happens right? And it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t want to see me again? I do quite like him.

Imo it all happened too soon between you guys

I mean you're practically strangers still.

He may have a fragile ego too, its not uncommon, therefore the dissatisfaction from you isn't going to help matters.

But as I said since this is a fairly new situation. You're going to have to wait it out and see if he ghosts or comes round.

October 2, 2020

Sounds like it was too soon for either of you to be having sex. You both have some issues that should have precluded you both from doing this after only knowing each other 7 days.

Going by the laugh (even if you think it was harmless, you're not in his head and you weren't on the receiving end of it) and how he acted when he walked you home, I'd say this has run its course. If your policy is to have an emotional connection before sex, then abide by your policy. If the guy can't wait, then he's not the guy for you, no matter how well you seem to get along with him.

October 2, 2020

You've only known him a week so for all you know he's freshly broken up with someone, tried to rush things along, then freaked out when you had sex, like he felt guilt or something.

Either way, guilt nor shame make for very good sexy time.

I dated a guy who couldn't get it up, and if he did, it was only halfway. It was weird, because he could cum even when not totally hard. He also tried to spend a lot of time pleasuring me (guess it took the pressure off his penis). This happened every single time, and I found myself feeling incredibly insecure, not sure how to react, etc. He broke up with me over email after a month and he claimed he couldn't understand why he never felt like ripping my clothes off. So basically projected it back on to me.

I'd throw this one back.

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Should I be concerned about this weirdness after sex or am I just reading into it too much?

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