Good date but no attraction

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Beyond the looks, each sex wants very different things.  Men's "beyond the looks" extends generally to her not being a pain in the @$$.

LOL!!        You sound more and more like my boyfriend with every post!

However, I think it's true also.

 

Edited October 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[ssm617]

In my viewpoint, there is a difference between physical attraction and chemistry. Physical attraction can be determined right away. Chemistry (barring obvious dealbreakers) can take a few dates to determine. There have been plenty of instances when I thought a woman was physically attractive. But there wasn't instant chemistry on the first date. Often because one person was somewhat shy/nervous/guarded and/or because we were virtual strangers. In those situations, I would often consider going out on another date or two and see if the chemistry develops over time. However based on my experience, it does seem like many people expect instant chemistry on the first date or they quickly lose interest. 

Edited October 4, 2020 by ssm617

[OnlyHonesty]

On 10/3/2020 at 4:09 PM, stillafool said:

Yeah but the problem is once they do talk  sexual the woman seems to think sex is all they want.  There's a no win situation to these things.

That's because all of the above involves body language, tone, reading responses, connection and proximity. A man can make it very clear he's interested in something serious, while avoiding the mistake of it being like an interview or 'collaboration'. Obviously this will depend to some extent on the vibe between the two, but there is zero chance for any vibe to grow if they are just talking like friends.

[OnlyHonesty]

12 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

Yeah most of the conversation was very safe. 
He mentioned twice that he was nervous for the date. 
But the conversation basically flowed like a conversation between people meeting for an upcoming collaboration and are becoming friends first. 
Some flirting, but not effective at all 

This is what I expected, and I think that's a big part of why you felt no attraction.

[JasonLevi]

On 10/3/2020 at 4:36 PM, Gaeta said:

I would not stay on a date 5 hours if there was no type of attraction. It took me 3 dates with my boyfriend to decide if I was attracted or not. Actually after our 1st date my decision was to not see him again, here we are 5 years later and it's been the best of all my relationships.

On 10/2/2020 at 3:09 AM, OnlyHonesty said:

Initial physical attraction is something that can happen instantly, but the rest is something that is often generated by the man. So many women think it's just something that happens, but a lot of the time it is not. You could go on a date with the same man that you just said you did not find attractive, and it would be a completely different outcome if he took steps to generate it. You said the date was 5 hours, so I'm guessing he has no idea about building attraction. If this is the case, then the outcome is unlikely to change.

 

On 10/2/2020 at 3:51 PM, smackie9 said:

It take a woman 7 seconds to a minute to know if she sees potential/attraction or not. You both are lonely, it was nice to get out and have some interaction...but don't let that go to your head that you should keep at it. You don't feel any attraction, just move on....that's what first dates are for...to see if there is attraction.

You made the right choice to decline.

 

This makes me wonder. I am of the view that people feel attraction, and thus decide, within milliseconds of meeting the person. Yet, I can date a woman and not feel much, but then on the second date, she wears something different and I suddenly feel that attraction. It's odd but when a woman wears a dress etc I feel very little, but as soon as she wears a pair of jeans, trainers, and looks casual, I just suddenly find her really attractive. 

Part of me wonders whether the same happens for women. Could seeing a guy in a different style or under different conditions suddenly shift your sense of attraction? In which case, a second date (not a long one) could be worth the risk, especially if the other person is really compatible in every other aspect. 

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, JasonLevi said:

It's odd but when a woman wears a dress etc I feel very little, but as soon as she wears a pair of jeans, trainers, and looks casual, I just suddenly find her really attractive.  

That's interesting!  I've posted this before, not on this forum but another, that I get approached more often when dressed super down in my jeans, tee, sneakers or flat sandals, hair in pony tail and wearing nothing but a little blush and colorless lip gloss!  

@JasonL, why do you think that is?  

Edited October 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, OnlyHonesty said:

That's because all of the above involves body language, tone, reading responses, connection and proximity. A man can make it very clear he's interested in something serious, while avoiding the mistake of it being like an interview or 'collaboration'. Obviously this will depend to some extent on the vibe between the two, but there is zero chance for any vibe to grow if they are just talking like friends.

Maybe this guy was only feeling a friends vibe from OP and that is why he didn't ramp up the talk.  Not all guys are interested in sex with just anyone.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe this guy was only feeling a friends vibe from OP and that is why he didn't ramp up the talk.  Not all guys are interested in sex with just anyone.

Yeah, neither felt much of anything (except a pleasant and polite friendly vibe) which is why neither felt inclined to step it up/escalate.

It's typically a mutual thing (energy/chemistry) unless one or both has another agenda (i.e. NS sex) and in that case will employ various "strategies" which I've always felt were phony and disingenuous. 

However, they do work on some women.

Edited October 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

12 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

....The middle ground is all I've been looking for. Friendly banter, some flirting to suggest attraction. And not just talks about
'so here is what I have done in my past/schooling. Here's what I do in my job. Oh I have this new business idea. here is my family history' and more on those lines. 
It felt a little too formal. 

THIS! It's the details I look for too! the subtle things that one says or does that indicate interest. And this comes from both sides. 

The first sounds like a job interview, but don't feel sad for him I've been on dates with women who would be all over that it seems given the questions they ask.  I'm more for, a bit of background, intellectual or experience engagement, wit (laughter is the best form of flirting...well close to coy entendres), and a subtle touch.

Agreed it comes from both sides, both people are humans doing a bit of a dance to not come on too string (and get rejected), deciding if they want to come on, and figure out if you both are compatible in how you come on   Think that is chemistry.  That's just me.  Others have a much more (to me) formalistic and dry approach.

 

 

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am wondering Gaeta and correct me if you think I'm wrong, but I've read posts from you wherein you state that your initial impression of your bf was he was too tall and lanky for you, you were not all that physically attracted. 

Do you think it's possible the chemistry/energy was there, but your lack of physical attraction prevented you from feeling it during those first couple of dates?  

But then when he kissed you, it was like WOW, thus allowing you to feel all that energy and chemistry?

If I've mixed you up with another poster my apologies!

Your description of the event matched with my story. Yes you put it well, there was a lot I liked about him and that's why I finally accepted a second date. I could not find 1  negative thing to justify refusing that second date. He was smart, funny, excellent conversationalist and had been a perfect gentleman. Then on second date, I was standing outside and saw him walk toward me and suddenly I saw him with different eyes, his walk was smooth and confident. I tease him sometimes about it, I tell him I fell for him because he walks like Liam Neeson  , it's on that second date that he kissed me, it was a soft peck on the lips that made me decide there would be a 3rd date. 

[Ami1uwant]

18 hours ago, WanderingComet said:

Yup. I declined the trip and if he asks to meet again I will say to him what you said.

I am a textbook people pleaser, so it's been almost a pattern with me that first dates last several hours regardless of whether or not I was feeling it. (except a couple, tbh they didn't work either. There was one I knew in the first min that it was not going to work, and I left in an hour and half. and messaged him we aren't a good match when he messaged that night) Where I kept meeting/following up with dinner after the coffee out of politeness. 

But from now on, I am going to try to keep then brief. Coffee = only coffee. (unless there's like super awesome connection and attraction from both sides, then we'll see how it goes)

 

You need to give this a second date and see how it goes.

 

there are numerous examples out there where attraction wasn’t there but developed later

[stillafool]

On 10/4/2020 at 2:33 AM, WanderingComet said:

The middle ground is all I've been looking for. Friendly banter, some flirting to suggest attraction. And not just talks about
'so here is what I have done in my past/schooling. Here's what I do in my job. Oh I have this new business idea. here is my family history' and more on those lines. 
It felt a little too formal. 

Did you flirt and banter with him?

[smackie9]

18 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

 

 

This makes me wonder. I am of the view that people feel attraction, and thus decide, within milliseconds of meeting the person. Yet, I can date a woman and not feel much, but then on the second date, she wears something different and I suddenly feel that attraction. It's odd but when a woman wears a dress etc I feel very little, but as soon as she wears a pair of jeans, trainers, and looks casual, I just suddenly find her really attractive. 

Part of me wonders whether the same happens for women. Could seeing a guy in a different style or under different conditions suddenly shift your sense of attraction? In which case, a second date (not a long one) could be worth the risk, especially if the other person is really compatible in every other aspect. 

Men are visual creatures....Bambi mascara, sexy heels can trigger attraction. Women it's emotional/physical, more complex...our brains gather a million things at once, we look at the hands, shoulders, sound of his voice, his shoes, his posture, smiles, etc, etc etc. This all taken in and passed through our emotions. Remember, who gets put into the friends zone most often? Men/boys do. Women are picky...I know I am.

[JasonLevi]

On 10/5/2020 at 3:13 PM, smackie9 said:

Men are visual creatures....Bambi mascara, sexy heels can trigger attraction. Women it's emotional/physical, more complex...our brains gather a million things at once, we look at the hands, shoulders, sound of his voice, his shoes, his posture, smiles, etc, etc etc. This all taken in and passed through our emotions. Remember, who gets put into the friends zone most often? Men/boys do. Women are picky...I know I am.

I'm sorry, but women are visual creatures. It's not more complex; if anything I think women's taste in men is pretty predictable. Women are indeed picky, but that applies to physical appearance as much as anything else. Pretty much every study on online dating, speed dating, and other mating venues have shown that women value looks just as much as men do. It's only in secondary qualities that men and women differ; men will seek out youth, women will seek out status. But in today's world, the priority for both sexes is physical appearance.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/5/2020 at 10:13 AM, smackie9 said:

 

....Bambi mascara, 

Just curious. What is bambi mascara?

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, JasonLevi said:

But in today's world, the priority for both sexes is physical appearance.

I think it always has been. 
Men and women who are deemed "ugly", who have undesirable physical traits, have never been considered attractive prospects and have always struggled on the dating scene. 
There has never been some golden age where physical appearance did not matter.
BUT saying that, previous generations way way back, had other more pragmatic considerations.
Women were often forced to accept unions that were based more on her personal survival than on whether a man was an Adonis or not...

[DCGurly]

On 10/3/2020 at 11:36 AM, Gaeta said:

I would not stay on a date 5 hours if there was no type of attraction. It took me 3 dates with my boyfriend to decide if I was attracted or not. Actually after our 1st date my decision was to not see him again, here we are 5 years later and it's been the best of all my relationships. 

This! I wasn’t interested in my boyfriend when we first met online. I was just bored because of the lockdown. He told me he waited a month for me to  respond to his message.
 

To be honest I never would have opened it. I did out of boredom.  He ended up being my best friend and pretty much the only man I’ve ever been in love with. I was married to my ex husband for 6 years thinking I loved him. it wasn’t love. 

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just curious. What is bambi mascara?

 

L'Oréal Paris® - Bambi Eye Mascara

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, JasonLevi said:

I'm sorry, but women are visual creatures. It's not more complex; if anything I think women's taste in men is pretty predictable. Women are indeed picky, but that applies to physical appearance as much as anything else. Pretty much every study on online dating, speed dating, and other mating venues have shown that women value looks just as much as men do. It's only in secondary qualities that men and women differ; men will seek out youth, women will seek out status. But in today's world, the priority for both sexes is physical appearance.

So you are a woman?? or you are a guy with lots of experience with this??

Edited October 9, 2020 by smackie9

[WanderingComet]

Update:

He messaged me again today asking if I'd like to meet up for dinner again. And suggests a place near where I live. 

What's the best way to turn him down?

Also kind of off topic but also related. 
I am very reluctant to let guys pick me up or drop me at my place anymore (unless I really really like him).
I used to be open to it before. But now I feel like I don't want to reveal exactly where I live until I am sure I see even the remote possibility of a relationship with a person.

On 10/5/2020 at 9:32 PM, stillafool said:

Did you flirt and banter with him?

I did a bit in the beginning, but as my interest in him began waning, so did my effort to flirt.

 

On 10/5/2020 at 4:08 AM, JasonLevi said:

 

 

This makes me wonder. I am of the view that people feel attraction, and thus decide, within milliseconds of meeting the person. Yet, I can date a woman and not feel much, but then on the second date, she wears something different and I suddenly feel that attraction. It's odd but when a woman wears a dress etc I feel very little, but as soon as she wears a pair of jeans, trainers, and looks casual, I just suddenly find her really attractive. 

Part of me wonders whether the same happens for women. Could seeing a guy in a different style or under different conditions suddenly shift your sense of attraction? In which case, a second date (not a long one) could be worth the risk, especially if the other person is really compatible in every other aspect. 

Clothes on the first date speak a lot to me. I once had a guy meet me for a first date (met through OLD) wearing gym clothes and I was immediately very put off. Went through the date hoping it got better. But turns out we had very little in common IRL and he wasn't what I was looking for. But hey I gave it a shot. 
My expectations aren't too high for a first date outfit. Just wear something that matches the concept you had going on in your OLD profile. aka don't have all pictures in dress clothes but come to meet me in gym clothes. Wrong impression. 

Also, I think that how we view others can certainly change over time and under a different light. 
That Said! there is a gut feeling that you get sometimes that just never goes away and as someone pointed out in this thread that I don't want to be asking myself 'Do I really even like him' every time I think of him for longer than necessary. 
The change in feeling for the better is usually for people you work closely with on a daily basis I think (can happen for others but easier if you are seeing that person everyday, and then suddenly he comes for an event in a suit and you go, Oooo he cleans up nice! context context context, you probably liked him on some level, different scenario gave way for different response.)

[Fletch Lives]

 

 

A quick story.........I once dated a woman (okay, it's happened more than once) who was not attracted to me........ after about five dates, I knew it, because I'm emphatic (and the lack-luster kisses, no making out, and the fact that she would sit on the other end of the couch were also clues)........I said, "let's be friends", and so we became friends....... we still went to dinner and did stuff, but she paid her own way.........and I still brought her flowers, because they don't cost a fortune, and she liked them.......and she cooked me dinner once in awhile. (I've had a few orbiting ladies in my time, who kept me around as a backup guy. Usually this happens more to women. Don't ever tell me men and women are not very much alike!).

That woman was still dating me for an entire year, waiting to see if a spark would happen! It took a year for it to finally sink in that we will always be just friends.

Thank goodness I knew early it was not a match.......and if it's not a match early on, it's a poor bet. 

Another guy who was not good at reading past his own feelings would have spent a small fortune on this woman who had no attraction for him, wineing and dinning her, wasting his money. Ladies - please don't take advantage of guys. If you are not attracted, be friends with them and  pay your own way if they are savvy enough to date others and not get hung up on you. If not, just let them go. The best women will try to set the guy up with their ugly sister! Do the right thing!

Some women will date a guy because they don't have anybody they are attracted to on the horizon, or because they are bored, or want to get out of the house, have a baby, or for any number of reasons or agendas, other than the important one - love. Beware guys, and don't date a woman who is not falling in love with you at a good, noticeable pace. If it was a dog race, is this dog worth betting on? That's the way you have to think...........don't waste your time and money.

Edited October 9, 2020 by Fletch Lives