Good date but no attraction

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, OnlyHonesty said:

I'd say one of the most common mistakes men make is to treat their date like a platonic friend. This would mean keeping the conversation safe, non sexual, and polite. Is this what he did?

Yeah but the problem is once they do talk  sexual the woman seems to think sex is all they want.  There's a no win situation to these things.

[stillafool]

On 10/2/2020 at 10:53 AM, poppyfields said:

I'm still not 100% convinced he's feeling it either Wandering, so don't feel too badly. 

People date for all sorts of reasons, they're lonely, bored, heck some folks date just to say they're dating someone!

And you yourself were considering continuing to date him even though you're not feeling it.

Like Expat said, you are not obligated to feel attracted to every man you date.  In fact, it's very rare when two people feel that mutual click.  

You did the right thing, its just not happening. 

Next. 

 

 

I agree that usually when one person isn't feeling it neither is the other.  Like when married people tell me they are bored in their marriage; well they aren't the only one because 9 times out of 10 the other spouse is bored to hell also.

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah but the problem is once they do talk  sexual the woman seems to think sex is all they want.  There's a no win situation to these things.

There's truth to this!  I've read threads wherein a woman was utterly confused when her date kept it polite and "respectful" (can't think of a better word right now) even to the point where she was questioning her own attraction (like this one possibly?).

And I've read other threads (there is one currently running now) wherein her date insinuated sexual attraction by flirting and teasing in text exchanges and suggesting he join her for a midnight birthday celebration on their second date..

Her reaction?  All he wants is sex and after being initially attracted, she is now turned off.

In the latter scenario, did he want to have sex with her?  YES!  He was attracted to her, why is this a bad thing?  

Does not necessarily mean that's all he wants.  

I have no idea what the answer is except do what you feel, and if you and and your date "click," and the energy is positive and high, it will all work naturally and organically.

Perhaps I'm being naive to believe that, but I do. It's the way it always (or almost always) worked for me. 

 

 

Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Fletch Lives]

An hour and a half is enough time to determine if you are attracted to someone, and you had a much longer date than that.

Friends usually don't turn into lovers like you see in the movies.

[Gaeta]

I would not stay on a date 5 hours if there was no type of attraction. It took me 3 dates with my boyfriend to decide if I was attracted or not. Actually after our 1st date my decision was to not see him again, here we are 5 years later and it's been the best of all my relationships. 

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

An hour and a half is enough time to determine if you are attracted to someone, and you had a much longer date than that.

Friends usually don't turn into lovers like you see in the movies.

Sorry Fletch but this^ is the type of black and white thinking that promotes all the confusion and uncertainty many folks experience in today's dating environment.

There are so many different colors and nuances, we need to dispel such black and white thinking and embrace the various nuances and complexities of the human existence and become more open and flexible in our thought processes, if we want our interactions and dating experiences to be more successful.  

 

Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I would not stay on a date 5 hours if there was no type of attraction. It took me 3 dates with my boyfriend to decide if I was attracted or not. Actually after our 1st date my decision was to not see him again, here we are 5 years later and it's been the best of all my relationships. 

Thanks for posting this Gaeta. See my last post, you are the perfect example of what I was referring to.

And congrats on 5 years later! 

[Trail Blazer]

Coming from a male perspective, I don't think attraction "grows" much.  I've been there, thinking my attraction to that person will grow because we had so much in common.  It didn't, but I was young and naive and content with regular sex.  Meh, two kids and a divorce later... we live and learn.

If you're not feeling it, not getting the "warm and fuzzies" or any other clichè term to describe that chemistry, then it's pointless.  Not only that, it's being dishonest to the other person.  

I met my girlfriend 11 months ago and I knew within one second of her walking into the bar that I was extremely attracted to her.  She looked way better IRL than her photos.  We had an amazing date and, thankfully, the feeling was completely mutual.

Perhaps I'm just lucky, but I've never felt love like this before and, more importantly, I've never felt the love reciprocated like this, either.  When you're with someone special, it's hard to advocate for anyone else to settle for anything less than someone who ticks every box.

Unfortunately, women do get blamed for wanting a unicorn.  Many do have unrealistic expectations, so the criticisms aren't baseless.  However, when you decide that this one individual - out of many online who've expressed interest - is someone with whom you will go on a date, it's perfectly normal and reasonable to feel exactly how you feel.

I'm glad to declined a second date.

Good luck moving forward.

 

[poppyfields]

43 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Perhaps I'm just lucky, but I've never felt love like this before and, more importantly, I've never felt the love reciprocated like this, either.  When you're with someone special, it's hard to advocate for anyone else to settle for anything less than someone who ticks every box.

Aww, TB I got chills reading this!  It is SO nice to hear you or any man speak so openly and highly about his feelings for his SO.  

I'm super happy for you mate. 

Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

On 10/1/2020 at 12:36 PM, WanderingComet said:

...

How many dates should I give it before making a decision whether or not I want to continue meeting?

I am really sorry if this sounds very naive. Seems like in these covid times I have forgotten how to date. 

It happens, has happened to me.  If all was great except not feeling the chemistry I give it a second date to really see.  Never know if I or she was having an off day.  Will have to say though never had it where chemistry emerged on a second date if it wasn't there on the first for me.

[poppyfields]

@TB I have a question based on your last post, hope you don't mind me asking.  

You mentioned in your previous post that you've never felt so much love as you do now for your current girlfriend despite being married previously and having other LTRs.

You have also posted you're gone for work for three weeks, home for three weeks on an ongoing basis.

So, my question is do you think the distance has influenced your feelings, intensified them at all?

Reason I ask is that I've read, been told by several men, and have experienced myself, that men need a certain amount of space and distance to fall in love and remain in love as distance generates longing which is a very powerful emotion. 

While women fall in love and otherwise need togetherness.  Yin and yang.   

What do you think about that?  Is that true in your relationship with your current girlfriend?  

Inquiring mind....  

Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yeah but the problem is once they do talk  sexual the woman seems to think sex is all they want.  There's a no win situation to these things.

Disagree.   There is a lot of ground between platonic and talk sexual, which I figure means getting too explicit too soon.  The middle ground is called flirting and banter and being attune when and at what level to start it and when and how much to increase it.   Finesse, listening, emotional intelligence those are key and their lack is the reason it can seem "no win."  Few women in my experience present such a "no win" double standard" scenario, most very much have a reasonable range of approaches they consider just right for showing interest.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Disagree.   There is a lot of ground between platonic and talk sexual, which I figure means getting too explicit too soon.  The middle ground is called flirting and banter and being attune when and at what level to start it and when and how much to increase it.   Finesse, listening, emotional intelligence those are key and their lack is the reason it can seem "no win."  Few women in my experience present such a "no win" double standard" scenario, most very much have a reasonable range of approaches they consider just right for showing interest.

I mentioned this in a previous post about a current thread running now wherein a woman had dated a man (one date) who attempted to express sexual interest through teasing and banter, suggested a midnight birthday celebration (no mention of sex) and the poster automatically assumed he only wanted sex and she got turned off or so she claims.  

Many women posters agreed with her!  Not all, thankfully.  It didn't change her view though.  

I think some women have been so hurt in the past that they take their distrust wherever they go, making all sorts of unfounded assumptions - like when a man expresses or displays any sort of sexual interest, that all he wants is sex and plans on "using" her. 

I can't even count the number of threads I've read created by women with this mindset.  

Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Woggle]

With some women no matter what a man does he is wrong. Men are wrong period to in their eyes. This is why men should do what they want and let the chips fall wherever they do. It will benefit men in the long run and the women who aren't put off will be of better quality. Trust me I know.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/1/2020 at 12:36 PM, WanderingComet said:

Overall, the date was technically good. BUT, I didn't feel any attraction.

Overall the food was technically good. BUT it had no taste. 

Attraction is a personal gut level response.

[SumGuy]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I mentioned this in a previous post about a current thread running now wherein a woman had dated a man (one date) who attempted to express sexual interest though teasing and banter, suggested a midnight birthday celebration (no mention of sex) and the poster automatically assumed he only wanted sex and she got turned off or so she claims.  

I think some women have been so hurt in the past that they take their distrust wherever they go, making all sorts of unfounded assumptions like when a man expresses or displays sexual interest, all he wants is sex and plans on "using" her. 

I can't even count the number of threads I've read created by women with this mindset.  

Have to say when I see these threads, think I know of the two you mention, it is pretty obvious to me why it didn't work for the guy.  Especially the midnight birthday celebration.  

My take is it's not "sexual" interest you should be displaying.  You should be "displaying" fun, wit, and connection, and let her lead to the hints of physical.  Your very engagement and body language let her know you are physically interested, one can easily go over the top, too much, too soon so to speak. 

The devil is in the details, teasing and banter (especially the teasing) really depends on what is said, and how it is said...so very tough to do via text...although it can be done (I've done it).  For example, teasing generally needs to be very low key and really compliments with no negative connotation at all, none, zero. 

Banter is context dependent and creative euphemisms that have several non-sexual meanings, with and both complimentary and being euphemisitc only in context work best.  These are just the cases hear about here.  Then again, no one way works for all women, just some ways are more likely to work than others.  Also if you start off slow you can really better calibrate to either tone it down or turn it up.

Then again my experience may just be self selecting because all I say has worked for the women I was interested in, there are certainly realms of women I have no interest in where it may not work at all.  Also, if she has no interest in you...good luck.

[WanderingComet]

15 hours ago, OnlyHonesty said:

I'd say one of the most common mistakes men make is to treat their date like a platonic friend. This would mean keeping the conversation safe, non sexual, and polite. Is this what he did?

Yeah most of the conversation was very safe. 
He mentioned twice that he was nervous for the date. 
But the conversation basically flowed like a conversation between people meeting for an upcoming collaboration and are becoming friends first. 
Some flirting, but not effective at all 

[WanderingComet]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I would not stay on a date 5 hours if there was no type of attraction. It took me 3 dates with my boyfriend to decide if I was attracted or not. Actually after our 1st date my decision was to not see him again, here we are 5 years later and it's been the best of all my relationships. 

I mostly stayed for the 5 hours because I wanted to give him a good chance.
Haha when he mentioned getting dinner+walk along the river I kept thinking of the John Mulaney skit where he says 'I don't want to go to a second location!'

Wanted to see if I spend more time with him, the attraction would increase(/form). 

With the other guys I've gone out with, if it's not a long date, I try to meet at least a couple times to see if there's any possibility for progress.

 

11 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Disagree.   There is a lot of ground between platonic and talk sexual, which I figure means getting too explicit too soon.  The middle ground is called flirting and banter and being attune when and at what level to start it and when and how much to increase it.   Finesse, listening, emotional intelligence those are key and their lack is the reason it can seem "no win."  Few women in my experience present such a "no win" double standard" scenario, most very much have a reasonable range of approaches they consider just right for showing interest.

The middle ground is all I've been looking for. Friendly banter, some flirting to suggest attraction. And not just talks about
'so here is what I have done in my past/schooling. Here's what I do in my job. Oh I have this new business idea. here is my family history' and more on those lines. 
It felt a little too formal. 

 

11 hours ago, SumGuy said:

The devil is in the details, teasing and banter (especially the teasing) really depends on what is said, and how it is said...so very tough to do via text...although it can be done (I've done it).  For example, teasing generally needs to be very low key and really compliments with no negative connotation at all, none, zero. 

THIS! It's the details I look for too! the subtle things that one says or does that indicate interest. And this comes from both sides. 

[Trail Blazer]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@TB I have a question based on your last post, hope you don't mind me asking.  

You mentioned in your previous post that you've never felt so much love as you do now for your current girlfriend despite being married previously and having other LTRs.

You have also posted you're gone for work for three weeks, home for three weeks on an ongoing basis.

So, my question is do you think the distance has influenced your feelings, intensified them at all?

Reason I ask is that I've read, been told by several men, and have experienced myself, that men need a certain amount of space and distance to fall in love and remain in love as distance generates longing which is a very powerful emotion. 

While women fall in love and otherwise need togetherness.  Yin and yang.   

What do you think about that?  Is that true in your relationship with your current girlfriend?  

Inquiring mind....  

They say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder".  I would say that's somewhat true. 

Both my girlfriend and I, we are very independent people.  She's not the clingy type at all.  She's only ever known me working away, but she's not had any trouble adapting when we started dating.

So, I'd say that it works equally for both of us.

In the context of this thread, I immediately felt an enormous level of attraction the first time I saw her.  Our first date, which I posted about on LS at the time, couldn't possibly have gone better.

I do believe that it's hard to fall in love to someone who is unconsciously demanding that you love them.  By smothering you, not giving you space, I guess it can be overwhelming for both sexes, but yes, especially for men.

Somebody once posted a quote on here which was;

"Women are the gatekeepers to sex and men are the gatekeepers to relationships."

That's not always true, but it probably is true in essence a lot more times than it isn't.  So, it stands to reason that if either gender is receiving pressure from the other, often their desired outcome won't be forthcoming.

[Wiseman2]

It's time to tell him you're not a good match. Next time keep the first meeting brief and decide if you want to go out again from there.

Dating is not to make platonic friends. Don't string anyone along.

[WanderingComet]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's time to tell him you're not a good match. Next time keep the first meeting brief and decide if you want to go out again from there.

Dating is not to make platonic friends. Don't string anyone along.

Yup. I declined the trip and if he asks to meet again I will say to him what you said.

I am a textbook people pleaser, so it's been almost a pattern with me that first dates last several hours regardless of whether or not I was feeling it. (except a couple, tbh they didn't work either. There was one I knew in the first min that it was not going to work, and I left in an hour and half. and messaged him we aren't a good match when he messaged that night) Where I kept meeting/following up with dinner after the coffee out of politeness. 

But from now on, I am going to try to keep then brief. Coffee = only coffee. (unless there's like super awesome connection and attraction from both sides, then we'll see how it goes)

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

They say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder".  I would say that's somewhat true. 

Both my girlfriend and I, we are very independent people.  She's not the clingy type at all.  She's only ever known me working away, but she's not had any trouble adapting when we started dating.

I do believe thtat it's hard to fall in love to someone who is unconsciously demanding that you love them.  By smothering you, not giving you space, I guess it can be overwhelming for both sexes, but yes, especially for men.

So, it stands to reason that if either gender is receiving pressure from the other, often their desired outcome won't be forthcoming.

Thank you for responding TB, this is such valuable information! The entire post but I quoted the most relevant. 

I wish more people (men and women) would understand this and learn that after the initial attraction and you begin dating and enter into a relationship, a bit of space and distance is a good thing! 

Perhaps more so for men, but many women in today's dating environment need space too.

What it does is allow you to move "towards" your parther which is key especially in LTR.  

It also generates a bit of longing which is so powerful!  

Keep it moving!  Becoming "stuck" with no movement is how boredom and complacency set in. Which is the kiss of death in any relationship or marriage. 

Not sure if anyone is familiar with Esther Perel but she has a great You Tube video "The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship."

I am unable to upload but it's a great video!  Much of it I knew already either instinctively or what I've learned, but it's so valuable, I cannot recommend it enough!

And is part of what has kept my relationships from becoming routine, stale, and also what keeps the love and passion alive even through the tough times and times of conflict. 

 

Edited October 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

23 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Coming from a male perspective, I don't think attraction "grows" much.  I've been there, thinking my attraction to that person will grow because we had so much in common.  It didn't, but I was young and naive and content with regular sex.  Meh, two kids and a divorce later... we live and learn.

If you're not feeling it, not getting the "warm and fuzzies" or any other clichè term to describe that chemistry, then it's pointless.  Not only that, it's being dishonest to the other person.

Exactly, men and women process attraction in a different way. If you ask my bf he will tell you he was attracted right away and if he had not experienced that instant-attraction he wouldn't have pursuit further. He's lucky as a woman I knew attraction could grow over a couple of dates and I gave it a shot. 

By the way my bf has NO idea that I had no intention of meeting him again after our 1st date, I don't think his male ego could take it lol. Like many men, my bf thinks if he felt attraction right away then I must have as well. 

Edited October 4, 2020 by Gaeta

[Trail Blazer]

27 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Exactly, men and women process attraction in a different way. If you ask my bf he will tell you he was attracted right away and if he had not experienced that instant-attraction he wouldn't have pursuit further. He's lucky as a woman I knew attraction could grow over a couple of dates and I gave it a shot. 

By the way my bf has NO idea that I had no intention of meeting him again after our 1st date, I don't think his male ego could take it lol. Like many men, my bf thinks if he felt attraction right away then I must have as well. 

Yes, it's best you keep that one to yourself.  It would do nobody any good for him to know.  

Men are simple creatures.  We're attracted to "hot" and hope we can live with it if we land it.

Women are also attracted to hot, but attraction for women has more scope.

A conventionally average looking guy can be super-attractive to women if he's got leadership skills and carries himself with confidence.

The equivalent female would be just some average looking, bossy, stuck-up b!tch. 

Beyond the looks, each sex wants very different things.  Men's "beyond the looks" extends generally to her not being a pain in thr @$$

Edited October 4, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Exactly, men and women process attraction in a different way. If you ask my bf he will tell you he was attracted right away and if he had not experienced that instant-attraction he wouldn't have pursuit further. He's lucky as a woman I knew attraction could grow over a couple of dates and I gave it a shot. 

By the way my bf has NO idea that I had no intention of meeting him again after our 1st date, I don't think his male ego could take it lol. Like many men, my bf thinks if he felt attraction right away then I must have as well. 

That's how it's been for me too Gaeta, or for the men I've dated.  Granted I'm not every man's cup of tea but either men go absolutely ga-ga for me straight from the get go, or it's not happening.  

There was never an in between. With my current, we both felt an immediate attraction and were kissing at the bar within 30 minutes!  

I am wondering Gaeta and correct me if you think I'm wrong, but I've read posts from you wherein you state that your initial impression of your bf was he was too tall and lanky for you, you were not all that physically attracted. 

Do you think it's possible the chemistry/energy was there, but your lack of physical attraction prevented you from feeling it during those first couple of dates?  

But then when he kissed you, it was like WOW, thus allowing you to feel all that energy and chemistry?

If I've mixed you up with another poster my apologies!