WanderingComet Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 So I went on a date today. First time in months! (thanks Covid) And Technically the date went well. technically. It was a long date, ran about 5? hours. Had coffee. Then went to another location for dinner. Then walked for a small while and then I had to leave because I had some work to do. He wanted to drop me, but I passed on that (we both rode the subway to meet up, so this would be him literally just riding the subway with me to my stop and then taking the subway back to where he lives). Overall, the date was technically good. Had a good conversation. Talked about a bunch of things. to be noted: I am a very extroverted person and can hold a good conversation with basically anyone I meet. BUT, I didn't feel any attraction. no butterflies no real desire to keep meeting romantically. He seems like a really nice person, and could be a nice friend but I just didn't *feel it*. Usually on first dates with guys I like, I do small things that indicate I like him. Keep my hands free so potential holding hands, lean in, lean towards him while talking. Talk about meeting again etc. But this time I did the opposite, leaned away, kept my hands occupied, avoid making future plans. So, even though the conversations were good, and he was a nice guy, is it ok to not be really attracted to someone? Like think of Monica and Pete in the beginning from friends. haha though my date was certainly not a billionaire (not that that would have any effect on how I perceived the date) How many dates should I give it before making a decision whether or not I want to continue meeting? I am really sorry if this sounds very naive. Seems like in these covid times I have forgotten how to date.
stillafool Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) For me I knew within 10 minutes if I've had sexual attraction. If I didn't feel it after a first date I wouldn't waste anymore of their time or mine. Some people are just meant to be only friends. Edited October 1, 2020 by stillafool
Author WanderingComet Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 27 minutes ago, stillafool said: For me I knew within 10 minutes if I've had sexual attraction. If I didn't feel it after a first date I wouldn't waste anymore of their time or mine. Some people are just meant to be only friends. Thanks! that's good to know. I just didn't want to come off as inconsiderate if in the end it doesn't work out
Ruby Slippers Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 This is your call to make. Plenty of women marry a nice guy they're not all that sexually attracted to, and attraction sometimes grows somewhat with familiarity. The strange thing is most men don't seem to mind this - I guess most of them are blinded by their own attraction for her - until she decides to leave and go hunting for stronger attraction. Then he's usually cynical and ruined for love for a long time if not forever. Do you want marriage and kids? Could you see yourself eventually doing that with him, and being loyal to him through the years in spite of the lukewarm attraction? If so, see how it goes. If not, don't waste his or your time. 3
Mystery4u Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 Off course it's ok to not be attracted to someone. Don't waste time going on another date with him. 1
Weezy1973 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, WanderingComet said: So, even though the conversations were good, and he was a nice guy, is it ok to not be really attracted to someone? Of course! Was this from online dating? 1 hour ago, WanderingComet said: How many dates should I give it before making a decision whether or not I want to continue meeting? That depends. Do you think there was any potential for attraction to grow? Only you know the answer to that. I’ve had attraction grow for people over time, but there was always the potential right from the start. I’ve also felt instant attraction / chemistry. If you’re looking for a relationship both are viable options. That being said, the fact that the date lasted 5 hours and your life attraction didn’t change to me indicates that it probably won’t on subsequent dates. So, no obligation to try if you’re not feeling it. Edited October 1, 2020 by Weezy1973
Author WanderingComet Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Of course! Was this from online dating? That depends. Do you think there was any potential for attraction to grow? Only you know the answer to that. I’ve had attraction grow for people over time, but there was always the potential right from the start. I’ve also felt instant attraction / chemistry. If you’re looking for a relationship both are viable options. That being said, the fact that the date lasted 5 hours and your life attraction didn’t change to me indicates that it probably won’t on subsequent dates. So, no obligation to try if you’re not feeling it. Yes! this was from an Online dating app. I kinda feel bad because we apparently crossed paths about a year ago at an event (but I had not noticed him). And then he joined the app recently and saw me on it and sent a message and I've been in kinda of a dating rut and he seemed ok online. Ok ti be completely honest (which is why I am here on this forum anyway), he looked ok in 2 of his 4 photos and like a completely different person in the other 2, so I was apprehensive to meet but it's thanksgiving break here right now, so I thought why now. And again being completely honest when we met, my first impression of him (with the mask on) was a part of my being a bit disappointed. He looked better with the mask off haha. Then again this isn't a big deal. But as for future potential, I'm really not sure. Like on paper, he seems to be a nice guy. and he should theoretically be attractive to me, but he just wan't. After coffee when he asked to go for a walk near the river, my first thought was hesitation. On other first dates, the prospect of going to a second location usually excites me when I like the guy. So this threw me off. But I still went and we first had dinner and then a walk and then I had to leave. On the walk by the river for instance, I enjoyed the walk exponentially more than the company. I guess that is a sign?
Weezy1973 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, WanderingComet said: On the walk by the river for instance, I enjoyed the walk exponentially more than the company. I guess that is a sign? Yes I suspect it is. Sometimes good on paper doesn’t work. Doesn’t sound like he was hideous, so probably just a combination of things. No biggie. And certainly no reason to feel bad.
OnlyHonesty Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Initial physical attraction is something that can happen instantly, but the rest is something that is often generated by the man. So many women think it's just something that happens, but a lot of the time it is not. You could go on a date with the same man that you just said you did not find attractive, and it would be a completely different outcome if he took steps to generate it. You said the date was 5 hours, so I'm guessing he has no idea about building attraction. If this is the case, then the outcome is unlikely to change.
Author WanderingComet Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 4 minutes ago, OnlyHonesty said: Initial physical attraction is something that can happen instantly, but the rest is something that is often generated by the man. So many women think it's just something that happens, but a lot of the time it is not. You could go on a date with the same man that you just said you did not find attractive, and it would be a completely different outcome if he took steps to generate it. You said the date was 5 hours, so I'm guessing he has no idea about building attraction. If this is the case, then the outcome is unlikely to change. True, which is why I wanted to wait until deciding whether or not I am attracted to him. But honestly as the date progressed, the attraction went down rather than up. I guess whatever he tried didn't really work.
Lotsgoingon Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 You had what I call a pleasant date. You can relax in the person's company. You talk with some comfort. But no spark, means no spark, means no romance. So no, don't waste your time on a second date. If you guys spent 5 hours together and no spark occurred, then it's not going to emerge. BTW: this kind of date should be judged a success. It's great sometimes just to meet new people and meet someone you like, even if the "like" is not romantic. So, appreciate the time getting to know this guy. If I'm hanging out with a woman for five hours and we can't get our hands on each other, then it's friendship. But seriously, enjoy the pleasant time. I have in fact goine against my advice here and pushed forward and I have dated people who I had no spark for. Always turned out bad. What happens is everyday, you ask yourself the same question: do I really like him?/do I really like her? The question goes away for five minutes here and there. And then it returns. In a good connection, you don't ask that question. You might ask, "does this person's overall life fit with mine?" But you don't ask: do I really like him? It's torture to be asking that. It's fine to be honest with him. You enjoyed talking to him, but you didn't feel any spark. 2
poppyfields Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, WanderingComet said: How many dates should I give it before making a decision whether or not I want to continue meeting? Well, has he actually asked you out on a second date? There's been a lot of talk about how you're not attracted to him, and I'm not talking about just looks, but the overall chemistry, and energy between you. Did it ever cross your mind that he wasn't "feeling it" either? I only ask because in my experience and others, the chemistry and energy was mutual. When I was feeling it, he was too. When I wasn't feeling it, my date would sometimes claim he was, but I knew better. He was physically attracted. and his goal was getting me into bed. But there was no mutual chemistry or energy. There's a difference. Granted, it was very rare when it happened, but when I felt the energy, he did too. It's called "clicking" or "spark." And again it's mutual. Every single time. Anyway, perhaps the reason your date didn't "do" anything to build attraction was because he just wasn't feeling it either. It was pleasant and polite. But nothing more. That said, if he has asked you out again, or is blowing up your phone, then I take back what I said! And you should politely tell him no thank you and be on your way. Edited October 2, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author WanderingComet Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Well, has he actually asked you out on a second date? There's been a lot of talk about how you're not attracted to him, and I'm not talking about just looks, but the overall chemistry, and energy between you. Did it ever cross your mind that he wasn't "feeling it" either? I only ask because in my experience and others, the chemistry and energy was mutual. When I was feeling it, he was too. When I wasn't feeling it, the man would some9tijes claim he was, but I knew better. He was physically attracted. and his goal was getting me into bed. But there was no genuine chemistry or energy, there's a difference. Granted, it's very rare when it happened, but when I felt the energy, he did too. It's called "clicking." Every single time. Anyway, perhaps the reason your date didn't "do" anything to build attraction was because he just wasn't feeling it either. That said, if he has asked you out again, or is blowing up your phone, then I take back what I said! And you should politely tell him no thank you and be on your way. Yeah he followed up after I left. And before we parted ways, he said he'd like to meet up again. Even invited me along on a mini day-trip he's taking tomorrow . But I said I'd let him know. So I think he was feeling it? but I guess I just wasn't
poppyfields Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, WanderingComet said: Yeah he followed up after I left. And before we parted ways, he said he'd like to meet up again. Even invited me along on a mini day-trip he's taking tomorrow . But I said I'd let him know. So I think he was feeling it? but I guess I just wasn't Who knows? I dunno, mini day trip tomorrow? It all sounds very polite. He may be physically attracted and figured what the heck. And thinking, let's see if anything develops on the second date. But honestly, if me, I'd take a pass. It's just not happening. He'll be fine. Edited October 2, 2020 by poppyfields
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 I feel like from what you describe neither part is there - you're not physically attracted (it's also not all that nice that he apparently didn't match his pictures), and you're not attracted in a romantic/sexual way to his personality. It was all just kind of pleasant. If at least one of those two were there I'd recommend trying a second date to see if things might build, but I feel like there's just really nothing there. Again, this is just from what you've written above. It sounds like just two friends. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 15 hours ago, WanderingComet said: So, even though the conversations were good, and he was a nice guy, is it ok to not be really attracted to someone? Why wouldn't it be? You're not obligated to be attracted to every guy you meet, OP. 2
TheFinalWord Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Don't go if you aren't attracted. I've had this happen many times with OLD. One tip that's helped me is video calling first. That way you can see if there is at least conversational chemistry and how they look. Plus, with COVID you can blame it on the lockdown. Video calling has saved me a few times because people can be masters of manipulation with their pics! Normally, I wouldn't even go on a 5 hour date unless things were going really smooth like the physical contact barrier had been broken. Why did you stay for such a long date? Just out of curiosity to see if you could like him? Or do you see some potential? I guess if there's potential, you might meet up again. Not all attraction has to be the butterfly effect. It can also be a mature love that grows as you get to know someone. The one poster talking about the man building attraction is so true.
Wiseman2 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 6 hours ago, WanderingComet said: But I said I'd let him know. So I think he was feeling it? but I guess I just wasn't Be polite and respectful and just tell him you're not a match. Don't string anyone along. 2
Author WanderingComet Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 Update: He asked again today if I'd go with him for the day road trip to a nearby island. I politely declined. Basically, I don't want to be confined to the car of someone I am not attracted to for a day long trip. What if it gets late and he wants to spend the night. I DEFINITELY do not want that. What if something goes really wrong and I want to get away? There wouldn't be an easy way for me to come home due to lack of public transportation in the region he is going. Don't want to string him along on a journey with him in a car (confined space) alone. sigh why don't I ever like the couple guys who have liked me? But then again I'd rather not date than date/settle for someone who matches on paper but not IRL. After all dating isn't a business transaction/merger, right! 4
stillafool Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Good that you declined. You would be wasting his time and yours. If you aren't attracted to someone it's best to end it so they don't feel like they were lead on. 1
smackie9 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) It take a woman 7 seconds to a minute to know if she sees potential/attraction or not. You both are lonely, it was nice to get out and have some interaction...but don't let that go to your head that you should keep at it. You don't feel any attraction, just move on....that's what first dates are for...to see if there is attraction. You made the right choice to decline. Edited October 2, 2020 by smackie9 4
poppyfields Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) I'm still not 100% convinced he's feeling it either Wandering, so don't feel too badly. People date for all sorts of reasons, they're lonely, bored, heck some folks date just to say they're dating someone! And you yourself were considering continuing to date him even though you're not feeling it. Like Expat said, you are not obligated to feel attracted to every man you date. In fact, it's very rare when two people feel that mutual click. You did the right thing, its just not happening. Next. Edited October 2, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 This gets into funny territory. I agree: I don't think he was feeling it either ... But ... if he asked her out again and on a day-trip, in his head he's thinking it ... He's not feeling it, but lots of people are out of touch with what "feeling it" even means.
ShyViolet Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 On 10/1/2020 at 12:36 PM, WanderingComet said: BUT, I didn't feel any attraction. no butterflies no real desire to keep meeting romantically. He seems like a really nice person, and could be a nice friend but I just didn't *feel it*. Then you should not go out with him again. Why would you waste your time and someone else's time going on a second date with someone who you felt absolutely no attraction to? 5
OnlyHonesty Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 On 10/2/2020 at 3:15 AM, WanderingComet said: True, which is why I wanted to wait until deciding whether or not I am attracted to him. But honestly as the date progressed, the attraction went down rather than up. I guess whatever he tried didn't really work. I'd say one of the most common mistakes men make is to treat their date like a platonic friend. This would mean keeping the conversation safe, non sexual, and polite. Is this what he did? 1
Recommended Posts