moonstruck0985 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now. He's hilarious, sweet, intelligent, charming...I feel like I can completely be myself with him. I've even introduced him to my best friends-- a big deal for me. I haven't introduced them to anyone I've dated in at least a year. Everything feels almost perfect. Except the sex is so bad. And I feel shallow even complaining about it. He takes a medication that makes it difficult for him to achieve orgasm. Not his fault, and I'd rather him take care of his mental health anyways. Lately, though, he's been getting headaches during sex. Bad enough that he went to the doctor and even had an MRI done. Apparently sexual headaches are a real thing, who knew? Again, not his fault. But damn am I frustrated. It makes the sex even worse because I can't lose myself in it, and neither can he. Because I know any second, we'll probably have to stop because his head hurts. And I of course don't want him to fight through it and make it worse. But the last guy I dated had ED, and before that I was with a guy who had a super low libido and never wanted to have sex. I just want a normal sex life. And this sucks because he's so wonderful in every other way. Any advice here? Am I being totally shallow?
Wiseman2 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 1 minute ago, moonstruck0985 said: He takes a medication that makes it difficult for him to achieve orgasm. Apparently sexual headaches are a real thing, It's far from "perfect" in your eyes. End it. You're not happy. Don't lead him on, you are not sexually compatible. 1
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 It's only been a few weeks so end it now and move on. You'll find someone who'll bring great intimicy to your relationship and he'll eventually find a woman with a low libido that's happy sex is off the table. 3 1
Fletch Lives Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 Does he have to stop in the middle every time? Or how often?
Author moonstruck0985 Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It's far from "perfect" in your eyes. End it. You're not happy. Don't lead him on, you are not sexually compatible. I really don't want to lead him on, I like him a lot and he's amazing. But you're right...the sexual compatibility is off.
Author moonstruck0985 Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It's only been a few weeks so end it now and move on. You'll find someone who'll bring great intimicy to your relationship and he'll eventually find a woman with a low libido that's happy sex is off the table. Thank you.
Author moonstruck0985 Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 4 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Does he have to stop in the middle every time? Or how often? I'd say more often than not. Like 4 out of 5 times. It wasn't like this the first few times we slept together. Then it's just a buzzkill. I know he hates he can't really fulfill my needs the way that I need or the way he wants to.
Gaeta Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, moonstruck0985 said: It wasn't like this the first few times we slept together. The first few times were normal? Did he start taking his pills after he met you?
introverted1 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 Is there no treatment for the headaches? Has he had them his whole life? Are they the result of PIV sex? If so, can't he bring you to orgasm other ways so that once you start PIV, if he has to stop, you might not mind as much? If you two can't figure out a solution that works for you both, then yes, you should probably break up.
Author moonstruck0985 Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: The first few times were normal? Did he start taking his pills after he met you? I'd say the first two times were normal, but I was aware of his meds. Honestly, the headaches are more a problem than the meds.
Author moonstruck0985 Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 8 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Is there no treatment for the headaches? Has he had them his whole life? Are they the result of PIV sex? If so, can't he bring you to orgasm other ways so that once you start PIV, if he has to stop, you might not mind as much? If you two can't figure out a solution that works for you both, then yes, you should probably break up. Apparently not. He hasn't had them before, which is why he went to the doctor. It's a real thing, I guess, where headache builds at the point of orgasm. So it's like...his meds sometimes don't let him get there but then if he does he gets a headache. No win for anyone here. He can bring me to orgasm in other ways, it's not an issue. It's just I view PIV sex as a way to connect with a partner and it's a bummer we can't have that as normal. 1
introverted1 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 37 minutes ago, moonstruck0985 said: Apparently not. He hasn't had them before, which is why he went to the doctor. It's a real thing, I guess, where headache builds at the point of orgasm. So it's like...his meds sometimes don't let him get there but then if he does he gets a headache. No win for anyone here. He can bring me to orgasm in other ways, it's not an issue. It's just I view PIV sex as a way to connect with a partner and it's a bummer we can't have that as normal. Look at the Mayo Clinic website under "sex headaches." There are treatments. (I'd link but links get hung up for manual review so easier to tell you to google.) 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) 49 minutes ago, moonstruck0985 said: I'd say the first two times were normal, but I was aware of his meds. Honestly, the headaches are more a problem than the meds. That's too bad, but you'll have to let him go. Don't play doctor or try to fix him. He already has his own doctors and treatment. If you can't deal with it, that's ok. But let him go. Edited October 1, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
kendahke Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, moonstruck0985 said: Am I being totally shallow? No. You have needs and he can't fulfill them, even if it's something beyond his control, the result is still the same. One of my friends dated a man who had really severe headaches when he had sex, so it's not that unusual. He may just have to be a really good friend for you if sex is important to you in a relationship. How open is he to getting to the bottom of these headaches? Is he earnestly looking for answers or has he resigned himself that this is just a part of who he is? Edited October 1, 2020 by kendahke
ShyViolet Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 It is NOT shallow to be concerned about sexual problems in a relationship. Sexual compatibility is a very important part of a relationship. You have only been dating this guy a few WEEKS and you're already having these problems. SEX MATTERS in a relationship. You know that sex is important to you, and you have every right to place importance on it. If you stay with this guy you're just setting yourself up for frustration and unhappiness. You should end it. now while it's still early and before you both get more invested.
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 2 hours ago, introverted1 said: I'd link but links get hung up for manual review They don't now and have not done for a while. Mayo Clinic Sex headaches link https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sex-headaches/symptoms-causes/syc-20377477 1
introverted1 Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 35 minutes ago, elaine567 said: They don't now and have not done for a while. Mayo Clinic Sex headaches link https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/sex-headaches/symptoms-causes/syc-20377477 Good to know - thank you! 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Look, you can ask him or listen carefully ... to see if there is any possibility he can ask for a change of meds. I had a friend who dated a really troubled woman. One smart thing that this woman did--and my friend happily acknowledges this--is she told him to go back to his psychiatrist and ask for a change of medication because his libido had totally disappeared. I think the guys was on Zoloft. The SSRI's definitely had the sexual side effect for many people. But psychiatrists and perhaps family doctors will change medications or add a medication to allow the sex drive to emerge again. My friend changed to a medication that was so much better than Zoloft--for him. To this day, he is thankful that his ex basically ordered him to go ask for a change of meds. You're only a gf and a new gf. You cannot do this yet ... And I don't know how sophisticated your guy is about medication. By sophisticated I mean, does he realize there are a number of different types of antidepressants? I think it's like five different kinds out there now ... and ... even some of the medications in the same class ... defy logic and work better for some people than for others. If a person has serious mental health issues, they can still be great partners but they need to be proactive and unashamed and assertive in treatment. Unfortunately part of depression can be hopelessness and lack of assertiveness, especially with figures like doctors. You have a right to want to have sex with someone. You don't want to do any pretending that it's not a big thing. He needs to be doing all he can to get that issue fixed. And really he ought to be trying each and every antidepressant out there to see if he can find one that works better. If he's not that kind of person about treatment, I say leave him alone.
Dork Vader Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 16 hours ago, moonstruck0985 said: We've been seeing each other for a few weeks now. He's hilarious, sweet, intelligent, charming...I feel like I can completely be myself with him. I've even introduced him to my best friends-- a big deal for me. I haven't introduced them to anyone I've dated in at least a year. Everything feels almost perfect. Except the sex is so bad. And I feel shallow even complaining about it. He takes a medication that makes it difficult for him to achieve orgasm. Not his fault, and I'd rather him take care of his mental health anyways. Lately, though, he's been getting headaches during sex. Bad enough that he went to the doctor and even had an MRI done. Apparently sexual headaches are a real thing, who knew? Again, not his fault. But damn am I frustrated. It makes the sex even worse because I can't lose myself in it, and neither can he. Because I know any second, we'll probably have to stop because his head hurts. And I of course don't want him to fight through it and make it worse. But the last guy I dated had ED, and before that I was with a guy who had a super low libido and never wanted to have sex. I just want a normal sex life. And this sucks because he's so wonderful in every other way. Any advice here? Am I being totally shallow? I took medication that had similar side effects. Here is what I found, there are other medications on the market that might not have that as a side effect. If that is not an option.. There might be other options, but he will need to discuss it with his prescriber. I took an antidepressant that caused this. So what I would do is not take it on Thursday night and Friday night.. Typically I would be good to go for the weekend... Then Saturday night I would take it again.. He will have to find out from his prescriber if that is safe and something he can do. He might also just take a lower dose for a few days, if he takes 100MG see if he can do 75mg or 50mg. He really needs to clear this with his doctors though, doing it could cause serious complications to his health.
Andy_K Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Sexual compatibility is important... you don't necessarily need to start with fireworks, as some couples take longer to get comfortable with each other, but you should be moving in the right direction. It does not sound like that's the case here, so I'd give some serious thought as to how long you're willing to wait to see an improvement. Whatever you decide, stick to it. 1
smackie9 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 If this bothers you then end it. That's why we date....to see if they have potential for a relationship, are compatible, and satisfy our expectations. You are not obligated just because he's a great guy and you want a relationship. You gave him a shot, it didn't work out....that's dating life.
SumGuy Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 On 10/1/2020 at 10:14 AM, moonstruck0985 said: Apparently not. He hasn't had them before, which is why he went to the doctor. It's a real thing, I guess, where headache builds at the point of orgasm. So it's like...his meds sometimes don't let him get there but then if he does he gets a headache. No win for anyone here. He can bring me to orgasm in other ways, it's not an issue. It's just I view PIV sex as a way to connect with a partner and it's a bummer we can't have that as normal. Can he change, drop or adjust his meds? If it is a mental health issue there are often more than one med that can help and non-medication options that can reduce the need for meds. Also, I've heard of people that go from a branded med to a generic and then they have all sorts of increased side effects. It may be though he needs to taper off the med he is on before a new one. I can't imagine this is fun for him either. All that being said, it sounds like the "bad part" of your relationship might be fixed by simply a different pill, or dosage or extended release, etc. Most relationship woes are much more intractable than this and the good parts you have harder to find. I'd say explore the other non-PIV ways to orgasm for a while (not necessarily drop PIV just up the percentage of non-PIV stuff) and see what he can do to adjust his meds.
Trail Blazer Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 Reading this reminds me of a song titled Not Fair by Lilly Allen. Except, in her case, the boyfriend was prematurely ejaculating. In any case, said boyfriend was everything that she wanted, save for decent sex. She still resented him - much more so than if he was an @$$hole who treated her like $h!t but gave her mindblowing orgasms. What you need to establish is whether this issue of his can be rectified quickly. If it cannot, you must end it. How you go about getting him to rectify it could be delicate. Honestly, I think this relationship is doomed. Hopefully you guys can prove me wrong! I doubt it, though. Sexual chemisty is extremely important for a lasting relationship.
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 This is like saying "I'm amazingly rich but I just haven't bought the lottery ticket yet".
CLS63AMG Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 I've only dated one woman that was horrible in bed (just flat out wasn't into sex, her parents had drilled it into her head that it was always bad or something) and it just ruined everything, she didn't even know how to give a BJ, one of my favorite things on earth. I ended that pretty fast! And funny thing, all the girls I run into on dating sites that complain about being perpetually cheated on have the same traits that she had....gee I wonder why.
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