I have really messed up

[Kirstoski]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been to a doctor and sought therapy? You seem all over the place with this, from 'not worthy" to "My Fair Lady".. Your BF can not rescue you from yourself. You may have stress related disorders from your past.

You and you alone need to address this. The money and "numbing" you used to use to obliterate your feelings is gone thus you have no coping skills in place unless you relearn them through therapy. As kind and understanding as this bf is, you need to be ok within yourself. 

Doctor yesterday did me a referral, Waiting for it to come through. 

Not told the boyfriend. He has enough to deal with.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

you need to be ok within yourself. 

And most people don't have the strength to do this on their own, so they follow the wrong path to continue to numb their pain. Since there's so many wrong paths to list, I won't list them. OP, the only way around your trauma is through therapy; perhaps you see a therapist 2-3 days a week until you are more emotionally stable and can handle going to see your therapist 1 day a week. But there's no way, NO WAY, this is your boyfriend's responsibility to fix inside you. And if you project your insecurities and fears and traumas on to him, then, that is going to backfire on you. Your boyfriend will feel like you are using him, until you get more stable. If you don't start therapy soon, I'm afraid that is the path you're already headed towards.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Kirstoski said:

Doctor yesterday did me a referral, Waiting for it to come through. 

Not told the boyfriend. He has enough to deal with.

That is not your call to make.

You do not get to dictate what your boyfriend knows or doesn't know. That's very self-centered of you to think that way. Very controlling and very emotionally manipulative. It comes across like you are in fact using him. That you have been using him all along. That may not be the case but this attitude is extremely immature.

Hiding the fact that you will be going to therapy from your boyfriend is a huge mistake. He will resent you for not sharing that with him after everything he's done for you.

Your own shame about going to see a therapist is due to your pride. It has zero to do with your boyfriend's genuinely kind motives to help you. You need to get over yourself.

Your boyfriend is not your therapist or your social worker.

There are licensed professionals you can go to for support. Your boyfriend is a relationship partner and you should respect the boundaries of what he can offer you as you relationship partner.



 

[Kirstoski]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

That is not your call to make.

You do not get to dictate what your boyfriend knows or doesn't know. That's very self-centered of you to think that way. Very controlling and very emotionally manipulative. It comes across like you are in fact using him. That you have been using him all along. That may not be the case but this attitude is extremely immature.

Hiding the fact that you will be going to therapy from your boyfriend is a huge mistake. He will resent you for not sharing that with him after everything he's done for you.

Your own shame about going to see a therapist is due to your pride. It has zero to do with your boyfriend's genuinely kind motives to help you. You need to get over yourself.

Your boyfriend is not your therapist or your social worker.

There are licensed professionals you can go to for support. Your boyfriend is a relationship partner and you should respect the boundaries of what he can offer you as you relationship partner.



 

He knows I am going to therapy.

But if I feel down I'm not going to constantly text him saying "I am down" because he would become drained.

[Watercolors]

3 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

He knows I am going to therapy.

But if I feel down I'm not going to constantly text him saying "I am down" because he would become drained.

In your response to Wiseman, you said you weren't going to tell your boyfriend you were going to therapy because you didn't want to overwhelm him.

But now you're saying you did tell him?

Which is it?

You live with him don't you now? He can tell when you are down. Unless you mean, you stay nights at your own place and when you feel down you don't want to worry him by constantly texting him that you are feeling down? Then yes, taht would be manipulative.

I think you are all over the place emotionally. The sooner you can see a therapist, the quicker you'll be able to get a handle on your emotions.

Edited October 6, 2020 by Watercolors

[Kirstoski]

9 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

In your response to Wiseman, you said you weren't going to tell your boyfriend you were going to therapy because you didn't want to overwhelm him.

But now you're saying you did tell him?

Which is it?

You live with him don't you now? He can tell when you are down. Unless you mean, you stay nights at your own place and when you feel down you don't want to worry him by constantly texting him that you are feeling down? Then yes, taht would be manipulative.

I think you are all over the place emotionally. The sooner you can see a therapist, the quicker you'll be able to get a handle on your emotions.

He called the doctor out as I said and the doctor did the referral.

I am staying with him for a while. He can see I am down yes, but he doesn't need text after text saying "I am down"

[Mrin]

3 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

Feeling a bit low this evening

Had thoughts that my boyfriend would be better off without me. Nearly packed my stuff earlier.

Frankly, that's his decision to make and it sounds like he's made it. He's had seven million opportunities to walk away and no one would have questioned his decision. He didn't. Not only did he stay, he put his back into it and tripled down.

I know right now it is hard to feel good about yourself. Lift yourself up. Have a good self image. That's quite a heavy burden I'm sure. Just an idea but why don't you just stop trying to do it. Stop trying to render a verdict on yourself. And for a bit just consider letting your boyfriend carry you in this way. Just suspend your self judgement (in either way) for a bit and let your boyfriend's judgement of you wash over you. Sometimes it is really hard to believe in ourselves. Sometimes we just have to let others believe in us for a while until we can regain our strength and footing so we can do it again. 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

While I tend to agree/perceive that Kirstoski is akin to somebody who has been perhaps emotionally frozen for (10-ish years) and is now impacted by the effects of the thawing-out... which is a good thing  (the thawing-out, not the uncomfortable feelings with it)...   I don't think her present place  in life necessitates that she change anything with the boyfriend (to the extent which it is under her control, I mean).

He's probably...    drawn by the chance to be trusted  near to her vulnerability...  and that is a normal thing for perfectly healthy partners to be drawn to as well.

(the problem, of course, is that the really bad guys are similarly drawn to vulnerability (of a different sort...   one is  wholly consensual,  and the other is anything but consensual)

 

Many working girls have drug habits  to help keep them somehow insulated from many of the effects that Kirstoski is feeling in great detail and spelling-out here... and of course that doesn't work 'best' in the long run.

 

It seems that Kirstoski is going through a "normal (for this scenario)"   (recovery) period (from the job, not any drugs)...

 

and the odd part is our being able to read about it.

 

So keep pressing forward...   using your best instincts along the way.

 

 

[Kirstoski]

3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

While I tend to agree/perceive that Kirstoski is akin to somebody who has been perhaps emotionally frozen for (10-ish years) and is now impacted by the effects of the thawing-out... which is a good thing  (the thawing-out, not the uncomfortable feelings with it)...   I don't think her present place  in life necessitates that she change anything with the boyfriend (to the extent which it is under her control, I mean).

He's probably...    drawn by the chance to be trusted  near to her vulnerability...  and that is a normal thing for perfectly healthy partners to be drawn to as well.

(the problem, of course, is that the really bad guys are similarly drawn to vulnerability (of a different sort...   one is  wholly consensual,  and the other is anything but consensual)

 

Many working girls have drug habits  to help keep them somehow insulated from many of the effects that Kirstoski is feeling in great detail and spelling-out here... and of course that doesn't work 'best' in the long run.

 

It seems that Kirstoski is going through a "normal (for this scenario)"   (recovery) period (from the job, not any drugs)...

 

and the odd part is our being able to read about it.

 

So keep pressing forward...   using your best instincts along the way.

 

 

I do have to admit, Every time I was hired. A little bit of me died, I lost a bit of faith in humanity. You get in to mindsets and routines. I am finding it quite strange even though We have had a lock down. I would be getting ready for work now. Going up to the work flat and waiting. Checking I've got everything I need, but not having to do that is a great feeling. Its things like this that help with the thaw out process. I know I'm up early again, The job e-mails come soon and I want to get through them, I still feel free, A feeling I've never really had. 

I also never really had food in or the heating on. I always tried to save money for when I wasn't working due to no clients or covid. Being at my boyfriends, having food and heat on, whilst basic/simple to others to me is a big thing. 

 

Drug habits were rife whilst working. I had access to so much stuff. I never took anything, I never even smoked a cigarette. My "friends" would tell me it makes working easier, "party" girls make more. I never went near the stuff, Admittedly there were times I thought, some stuff to help me through, or "whats my life become, I could take a load of pills and end it" but I never touched anything. I am pleased to say I was never arrested or come to negative police attention. They are positives I am taking. I had to do a lot of growing up too. Learning all the stuff on my own. When I was a kid I had to bring myself up as my parents were not interested. I couldn't dance, sing or perform like my sister. I'm not making excuses or anything. I'm really glad I can talk about things. 

 

Today I've got to clear my "work" flat. Most of the stuff I'll be donating (Like the cans of drink I have) to a foodbank, It was a fully furnished place. Plus the clothes were based on the "working" me, I'll go through the things, donate some and ebay the rest. 

 

Thank you for listening.

[Kirstoski]

I have donated my work "supplies" to my local MASH branch who work with street workers to make things as safe as possible.

There was once a time I considered street walking when things got bad. So if I can remotely help these women I'm glad!

[poppyfields]

19 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

He called the doctor out

I missed this^ - your boyfriend called the doctor out?  How so, this doesn't sound right.

A boyfriend isn't typically allowed to communicate with his girlfriend's doctor, let alone "call them out."

Only family. 

Kirstoski, the more you post, the more cracks I see, inconsistencies. 

What's really going on?  Something isn't jiving.  

 

[poppyfields]

On 10/4/2020 at 1:05 PM, Kirstoski said:

Boyfriend said I should say hi to his neighbours, get started with interactions. 

Kirstoski, I'm just gonna say it.  The way you write about this "boyfriend," in virtually every post, he sounds almost unreal.  Like a fantasy version of what you crave from a man because your own father never provided what you needed.

So in order to cope, in your mind, you've created the perfect image of a boyfriend - totally selfless, who cuddles you, protects you, caters to you, adores you, forgives you, calls others out (including your doctors?) gives you all the attention you crave but never received. 

I am so sorry, but he just doesn't sound real to me, he sounds too "perfect."  Like a fantasy.  

I could be wrong, I hope I am!  Just my sense from reading all this.   I agree with others, the sooner you seek therapy the better. 

I wish you all the best, truly. Hugs.

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[Kirstoski]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Kirstoski, I'm just gonna say it.  The way you write about this "boyfriend," in virtually every post, he sounds almost unreal.  Like a fantasy version of what you crave from a man because your own father never provided what you needed.

So in order to cope, in your mind, you've created the perfect image of a boyfriend - totally selfless, who cuddles you, protects you, caters to you, adores you, forgives you, calls others out (including your doctors?) gives you all the attention you crave but never received. 

I am so sorry, but he just doesn't sound real to me, he sounds too "perfect."  Like a fantasy.  

I could be wrong, I hope I am!  Just my sense from reading all this.   I agree with others, the sooner you seek therapy the better. 

I wish you all the best, truly. Hugs.

 

You are wrong.

I'm also offended.

[poppyfields]

My intention was not to offend, I promise you.  It's just my sense of everything.  

I've been around a long time, had lots of boyfriends, engaged twice, been through A LOT of shyt in my life and I'm sorry but the way you describe him doesn't sound real to me, what can I say?  Just my opinion.  

I do however believe, to you, he's real. 

So if you say he's real, then so be.  Carry on.

Again, I'm glad you're in therapy, best of luck to you moving forward. 

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[TheCharm]

Sex it's a normal thing. Many are very old mind-set and do not think like that, well it's their problem. If you would have tell me this, I would really appreciate the fact that you are trying to change your life for me! And if I love you, it would be still there! This guy backing up like that for what? Maybe he's just not for you. Imagine if other serious situation happen, how would he react?

And by the way a guy that use text to express himself on important topics, it says a lot...

I honestly don't think this guy is for you! But, what do you feel for him, how strong is it?

[Sarah_K]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

My intention was not to offend, I promise you.  It's just my sense of everything.  

I've been around a long time, had lots of boyfriends, engaged twice, been through A LOT of shyt in my life and I'm sorry but the way you describe him doesn't sound real to me, what can I say?  Just my opinion.  

I do however believe, to you, he's real. 

So if you say he's real, then so be.  Carry on.

Again, I'm glad you're in therapy, best of luck to you moving forward. 

 

 I can see why she is offended on your reply.

From this Aussies point of view. Just listen to your heart and go for it!

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am so sorry, but he just doesn't sound real to me, he sounds too "perfect." 

When some people lose a loved one in a sudden and unexpected way they often appear to bypass the grieving process and instead busy themselves in some project.

They set up charitable trusts, they get involved in trying to change laws, they bury themselves in local issues or decide to completely renovate their home... in fact anything so that they don't have to face the enormity of the terrible thing that has just happened to them.
I feel that is maybe what the bf is doing, he is  burying himself in a project, that project being the OP... to stop himself being caught up in thinking of the betrayal and the reality that for 11months he was unknowingly dating an active escort...

[balletomane]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I missed this^ - your boyfriend called the doctor out?  How so, this doesn't sound right.

A boyfriend isn't typically allowed to communicate with his girlfriend's doctor, let alone "call them out."

Only family. 

Kirstoski, the more you post, the more cracks I see, inconsistencies. 

What's really going on?  Something isn't jiving.  

 

She isn't using "call him out" in the sense of challenging or arguing with the doctor. She means that her boyfriend phoned the doctor and asked for a home visit. This is British English.

I'm a UK-based doctor, and while home visits are increasingly rare because of funding cuts, some GPs (family doctors in the US) still carry them out. Over here you can also phone a non-emergency medical advice line on behalf of anyone who is unwell enough to need attention, but not in immediate danger. The call handlers will notify a doctor if they judge that person to need rapid non-emergency care, and the doctor will then call back.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, TheCharm said:

Sex it's a normal thing. Many are very old mind-set and do not think like that, well it's their problem. If you would have tell me this, I would really appreciate the fact that you are trying to change your life for me! And if I love you, it would be still there! This guy backing up like that for what? Maybe he's just not for you. Imagine if other serious situation happen, how would he react?

And by the way a guy that use text to express himself on important topics, it says a lot...

I honestly don't think this guy is for you! But, what do you feel for him, how strong is it?

I think you are on the wrong thread...

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, balletomane said:

She isn't using "call him out" in the sense of challenging or arguing with the doctor. She means that her boyfriend phoned the doctor and asked for a home visit. This is British English.

I'm a UK-based doctor, and while home visits are increasingly rare because of funding cuts, some GPs (family doctors in the US) still carry them out. Over here you can also phone a non-emergency medical advice line on behalf of anyone who is unwell enough to need attention, but not in immediate danger. The call handlers will notify a doctor if they judge that person to need rapid non-emergency care, and the doctor will then call back.

Thank you for clarifying, makes sense. 👍

Edited October 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[SincereOnlineGuy]

12 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

I do have to admit, Every time I was hired. A little bit of me died, I lost a bit of faith in humanity. You get in to mindsets and routines. I am finding it quite strange even though We have had a lock down. I would be getting ready for work now. Going up to the work flat and waiting. Checking I've got everything I need, but not having to do that is a great feeling. Its things like this that help with the thaw out process. I know I'm up early again, The job e-mails come soon and I want to get through them, I still feel free, A feeling I've never really had. 

I also never really had food in or the heating on. I always tried to save money for when I wasn't working due to no clients or covid. Being at my boyfriends, having food and heat on, whilst basic/simple to others to me is a big thing. 

 

Drug habits were rife whilst working. I had access to so much stuff. I never took anything, I never even smoked a cigarette. My "friends" would tell me it makes working easier, "party" girls make more. I never went near the stuff, Admittedly there were times I thought, some stuff to help me through, or "whats my life become, I could take a load of pills and end it" but I never touched anything. I am pleased to say I was never arrested or come to negative police attention. They are positives I am taking. I had to do a lot of growing up too. Learning all the stuff on my own. When I was a kid I had to bring myself up as my parents were not interested. I couldn't dance, sing or perform like my sister. I'm not making excuses or anything. I'm really glad I can talk about things. 

 

Today I've got to clear my "work" flat. Most of the stuff I'll be donating (Like the cans of drink I have) to a foodbank, It was a fully furnished place. Plus the clothes were based on the "working" me, I'll go through the things, donate some and ebay the rest. 

 

Thank you for listening.

I think SO much of things you're feeling are a function of the remarkably STRANGE position where you can analyze in the 'first-person' withOUT clouds and clouds of drug use altering your perception.

 

Tangent to that is why so few walk right out their front door and make a raw choice to do the same sort of work.

They are largely pushed there by desperation or desire  (desire for drugs they can't afford, or desire for the 'pimp' who says he loves her).

(on rare, rare occasion it is even  'desire for drugs their aging parent desperately needs, AND can't afford' )

 

But having said that, I don't think that the presence OF such workers is in itself as big a concern as the religious people love to believe.

(like the talkshow guy I quoted earlier said:     "thank god women can become strippers and sex workers (the alternative being their continuing the abuse cycle)"  )

 

It is just so rare for somebody to be able to assess themselves IN that line of work AND with a clear head.    (and that is a lot of what Kirstoski has brought here)

[dangerous]

Hi OP,

sorry i haven't read all the pages here, but I wanted to say on the subject of being an escort for 10 years, and telling your boyfriend.

I personally would not judge you or assume about you, as some on here have. I personally have been with escorts and also dated them, known them as friends. Of course some are damaged but some (like you sound) are clever, lovely people. 

Someone said that your history shows you cannot compartmentalise, and your relationship would be compromised. I disagree. I say, BECAUSE, you did what you did, it shows you CAN compartmentalise.

Telling your BF was a difficult decision, I am sure, but you wanted to be open and honest. This shows your integrity.

Personally, I would date someone like you.

Oh, I have.

[Ellener]

@Kirstoski

 I imagine there is an element of PTSD in what you are going through, which is maybe why you feel unstable with your mood. Or want to run. 

Just take one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary, and tune out any negative voices for now whilst you build up your confidence and rebuild your life.

Self-care for me is exercise, meditation/prayer, healthy diet and positive thinking. 

It's a process. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Kirstoski]

Thank you to the positive replies I have had.

 

I know some of you think like the rest of society, that I am lowest of the low. That escorts are bad people. I'm just trying to improve my life. I wanted to be honest with my boyfriend. I've just been made to feel terrible by some.

 

For those who care, the little shop I applied at has called me in for an interview/trial shift today.

[Mrin]

5 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

Thank you to the positive replies I have had.

 

I know some of you think like the rest of society, that I am lowest of the low. That escorts are bad people. I'm just trying to improve my life. I wanted to be honest with my boyfriend. I've just been made to feel terrible by some.

 

For those who care, the little shop I applied at has called me in for an interview/trial shift today.

Good luck!!!