Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) 49 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Because things are spiralling out of your control Your life may not have been all that rosy but you were somewhat in control, now you are losing that control. In a nice way, sure but you are being "enveloped" just the same Your bf is taking over and whilst that is very caring of him, and you are grateful, you are losing your say, your sense of autonomy, your independence. Now a doctor is involved, counselling looms, and your bf is rummaging through your flat. The assault, the loss of your job and the life you led, the loss of your personal safety, the loss of control over your life, the loss of your privacy, are all now taking their toll. Its not that he will go rummaging, He's been in my flat before. He has spent time in the flat with me and alone. I asked him to go get me some things. He didn't say "I'm going to your flat to have a look and get you some things". I asked he said yes. The reason he called the doctor was I was completely in a panic. No way am I angry or blaming him for that. He isn't trying to control me. I haven't lost control have I? Are you trying to say he is controlling me? My flat was generally my safe space away from everything. Edited October 5, 2020 by Kirstoski 1
elaine567 Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: Are you trying to say he is controlling me? Not at all, but from being master of your own destiny, you have had, in a very short time period, to accept you are not really in control here. Your flat being your safe space, has been "invaded", even if it is done in a helpful way and with your permission. Edited October 5, 2020 by elaine567 commas
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Not at all, but from being master of your own destiny, you have had, in a very short time period, to accept you are not really in control here. Your flat being your safe space, has been "invaded", even if it is done in a helpful way and with your permission. It was my safe space from my old job. I've been thinking about it and even though I had sex for money. The real me doesn't like anyone else handling my clothes/underwear/etc its all personal to me. Whilst yes I don't mind my boyfriend touching it, I was very much in the mindset it was real me not work me. I know I'll get used to it. I said this to the boyfriend and he said "Well I can skype you when I'm there and you can see what I am doing, you can tell me what to pack too". I mentioned about the safe space. He said If I need somewhere I can use a spare room as a safe space whilst I am at his. He doesn't want to upset me or anything.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 I think your boyfriend is a caring person and obviously wants the best for you. However, I also think that moving forward it's important that he not try to assume the role of rescuer and caretaker too much either, or you risk establishing an unhealthy dynamic that could create other issues. I don't believe that's his intention but some boundaries will need to be set in order to give you space to navigate this new chapter of your life independently too. This is still a very young relationship after all, and you two have a lot of emotions to untangle related to this - both individually and as a couple. 4
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think your boyfriend is a caring person and obviously wants the best for you. However, I also think that moving forward it's important that he not try to assume the role of rescuer and caretaker too much either, or you risk establishing an unhealthy dynamic that could create other issues. I don't believe that's his intention but some boundaries will need to be set in order to give you space to navigate this new chapter of your life independently too. This is still a very young relationship after all, and you two have a lot of emotions to untangle related to this - both individually and as a couple. How do you mean? Last night I understand why he did it. I set boundaries early on in the relationship and he has respected them. I feel more upset at myself I gave him a bloody nose and he didn't even get angry. I'm going to cook for him tonight as a thank you.
Veronica73 Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 How old are you and how old is your boyfriend?
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 28 minutes ago, Veronica73 said: How old are you and how old is your boyfriend? I am 28 and he is 32
Veronica73 Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 Thanks for answering. I asked because I was wondering if you are a lot younger than him. (Obviously 4 years isn’t a lot at your age.)
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 7 minutes ago, Veronica73 said: Thanks for answering. I asked because I was wondering if you are a lot younger than him. (Obviously 4 years isn’t a lot at your age.) We still play xbox together like teenagers too
Ruby Slippers Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think your boyfriend is a caring person and obviously wants the best for you. However, I also think that moving forward it's important that he not try to assume the role of rescuer and caretaker too much either, or you risk establishing an unhealthy dynamic that could create other issues. I don't believe that's his intention but some boundaries will need to be set in order to give you space to navigate this new chapter of your life independently too. I agree. He seems drawn to the white knight/daddy role, so it makes sense you two are drawn to each other. While that has a certain appeal, it's going to start to feel confining very soon. I stand by my earlier advice, which is to focus on taking charge of your own self-development, rather than continuing to lean on men including your boyfriend. You need to get your own legs under you rather than leaning on others indefinitely. You'll be so much better off once you feel strong and capable of doing anything you set your mind to on your own. 3
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 Just now, Ruby Slippers said: I agree. He seems drawn to the white knight/daddy role, so it makes sense you two are drawn to each other. While that has a certain appeal, it's going to start to feel confining very soon. I stand by my earlier advice, which is to focus on taking charge of your own self-development, rather than continuing to lean on men including your boyfriend. You need to get your own legs under you rather than leaning on others indefinitely. You'll be so much better off once you feel strong and capable of doing anything you set your mind to on your own. After last night? Most of the time, he tells me to snap out of it and carry on. I wasn't as bad as I was last night.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) It sounds like you have some kind of post-traumatic stress reactions going on, which is normal after any kind of assault. You need counseling to face this, make your peace with it, and let it go. You can usually find free or low-cost counseling through churches, humanitarian organizations, maybe the police. I'm sure there are also great books on the subject and free YouTube videos. Just be careful not to become too reliant on him. You're going to be much better off developing your own inner strength and competence. No one can ever take that away from you. It's priceless. Edited October 5, 2020 by Ruby Slippers
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 15 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It sounds like you have some kind of post-traumatic stress reactions going on, which is normal after any kind of assault. You need counseling to face this, make your peace with it, and let it go. You can usually find free or low-cost counseling through churches, humanitarian organizations, maybe the police. I'm sure there are also great books on the subject and free YouTube videos. Just be careful not to become too reliant on him. You're going to be much better off developing your own inner strength and competence. No one can ever take that away from you. It's priceless. The UK has the NHS so it is free on there. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 10 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: The UK has the NHS so it is free on there. Fantastic. As an American, I'm jealous But happy for you.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: I agree. He seems drawn to the white knight/daddy role, so it makes sense you two are drawn to each other. While that has a certain appeal, it's going to start to feel confining very soon. Yes, this is all I meant in my earlier comment about establishing some boundaries, OP. I think this could work if you two find the right balance, and he doesn't try to step in too much. While I have no doubt that his heart is in the right place I would be careful not to allow this to turn into a parent-child sort of dynamic, either. Taking some of these steps on your own is going to be critical in feeling a sense of empowerment in your own life. 3
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, this is all I meant in my earlier comment about establishing some boundaries, OP. I think this could work if you two find the right balance, and he doesn't try to step in too much. While I have no doubt that his heart is in the right place I would be careful not to allow this to turn into a parent-child sort of dynamic, either. Taking some of these steps on your own is going to be critical in feeling a sense of empowerment in your own life. He isn't doing that. Last night was totally out of character for me. Tonight I am feeling a lot calmer.
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 Have to say a BIG win was tonights dinner. Made ribs with a nice sticky sauce that is so more-ish Made using my own reciepe. 1
mark clemson Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) Some thoughts for you: 1) OF COURSE you're feeling down. You've been an escort for 10 years. You're starting to "reach a place" in life where you can step away from that and it's becoming safer to "process" some of your feelings from that. While it may not have been all completely bad, I'd have little doubt that you have some very down emotions that you've been repressing. They are now safe to "come out". I would think/hope that some IC would be a part (possibly a major part) of your transition and suggest you not shy away from that aspect for long, if you are able to make this transition work. 2) On the cuddling - IMO it's too soon. You're trying to normalize things and ensure you and he stay bonded, which is understandable, but for the partner with a revelation of this magnitude, he will need some time to come to terms with it. This is far from over, and I think you realize that and are attempting to skew the odds (of him sticking with you) in your favor. Completely understandable (from your perspective in the situation), but recognize that much of what is rugswept tends to eventually come back out (much like your down emotions). 3) The biggest thing in your favor here (IMO) is that this wasn't really a choice for you (economically) or if it was the economics are the reason, NOT that you just like other guys more or need validation from men, etc etc. So there are "reasons" that have nothing to do with him and everything to do with your situation. I wouldn't belabor this point with him - I think he gets it and that's why you're still with each other. But something to be aware of. I think restoring intimacy may take a while. It may never happen, so be aware of that as a possible outcome. Clearly he's trying and clearly you are too, so that's positive for you. However, it's possible he may never be able to be intimate with you without mental images of you with other men ruining it for him. Many men are "not biologically wired" to non-consensually share their mates and for many of them this runs deep. Again, you would be wise to keep in mind that this is far from over, so while you can and should hope for the best, you should probably have a plan for the worst as well, just to be safe. Edited October 5, 2020 by mark clemson 1
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 I totally get this, I just said it last night and he did cuddle me without hesitation I understand he needs to come to terms with it. I just want to show him I am the same person he met and that person is still there. I want to show him I love HIM and only HIM. Escorting was for money only. I did not enjoy it and did not think "Oh yes I have an appointment". I admit there was times I orgasmed, but that was natural and I did everything to stop it. I hated it. I hated it when I was with my boyfriend and I was working, I would close my eyes and think of my boyfriend, that I'm with him instead of some random. When I was attacked. I got to my flat. I put a fleece of my boyfriends on and cuddled a picture of us and cried, I remember at the police station the next day, the officer offered to ring my boyfriend I refused. I feel so ashamed of it. My boyfriend has every right to be angry at me, upset at me, throw me out. I've got enough emergency funds to get by if required.
Author Kirstoski Posted October 5, 2020 Author Posted October 5, 2020 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: 2) On the cuddling - IMO it's too soon. But what if he cuddles me? What does that mean?
mark clemson Posted October 5, 2020 Posted October 5, 2020 2 hours ago, Kirstoski said: But what if he cuddles me? What does that mean? That would be a positive thing I imagine since he is initiating it. 1
Author Kirstoski Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 He has been cuddling up to me/cuddling me Last night I slept a bit better, Only woke once during the night but its been better than the last several months. I do have some news. I have been called up for an interview today for a part time course at the university and for a tour. They are making me do a semester on an access course then I can pick almost any course. I'm pretty excited. 2
Author Kirstoski Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 This university is amazing! I cannot believe I have been standing in a university to enrol on a course to start in January 1
Author Kirstoski Posted October 6, 2020 Author Posted October 6, 2020 Feeling a bit low this evening Had thoughts that my boyfriend would be better off without me. Nearly packed my stuff earlier.
Wiseman2 Posted October 6, 2020 Posted October 6, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: Feeling a bit low this evening Had thoughts that my boyfriend would be better off without me. Nearly packed my stuff earlier. Have you been to a doctor and sought therapy? You seem all over the place with this, from 'not worthy" to "My Fair Lady".. Your BF can not rescue you from yourself. You may have stress related disorders from your past. You and you alone need to address this. The money and "numbing" you used to use to obliterate your feelings is gone thus you have no coping skills in place unless you relearn them through therapy. As kind and understanding as this bf is, you need to be ok within yourself. Edited October 6, 2020 by Wiseman2 1 1
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