I have really messed up

[Kirstoski]

Breakfast in bed for both of us (Was only from a local deli) went down a storm. He asked me what I'd like to do today. I said nothing really that I want a chill day. He said no problem but we do need to go to the supermarket for a few bits.

I did say "Can't we just cuddle up for another 10-20 minutes" and they were the best cuddles ever. 

He told me he is going to buy me the most important outfit I will own for a while. An interview outfit. I said "Oh I'll get something from the supermarket clothing section" he said point blank no. 

[Kirstoski]

Having a bit of a teary afternoon.

A few months ago. I was a escort/hooker/whatever you want to call me.

Boyfriend has enrolled me in a GCSE Maths and a GCSE English language course, He paid for them instead of me waiting to do the free ones. He said he doesn't want anything back. Just wants to see me succeed.

I really don't deserve this. 

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Kirstoski said:

I really don't deserve this. 

Yes you do, we all deserve the same things- love and support and safety and happiness and comfort etc.

You have an ally and partner who wants you to succeed.

Back in the day I got an 'unclassified' in maths, the lowest grade, it was a mental block I never got over, though I can go shopping and add up my purchases or budget my income accurately so I have the practical skills I need. Just not algebra or calculus, and I still don't think today mathematics would be my subject, though I'd get As in subjects like English and psychology and music. Find your strengths! You'd be an amazing social worker or counsellor maybe, I started that career by volunteering. Which also opened my path to lots of new people, ideas and experiences.

 

[Annonymous1234]

1 hour ago, Kirstoski said:

Having a bit of a teary afternoon.

A few months ago. I was a escort/hooker/whatever you want to call me.

Boyfriend has enrolled me in a GCSE Maths and a GCSE English language course, He paid for them instead of me waiting to do the free ones. He said he doesn't want anything back. Just wants to see me succeed.

I really don't deserve this. 

Of course you are deserving. Life is meant to be fun, fulfilling, joyful. It is just that we often get taught along the way, by other people, that we are supposed struggle and 'earn' our worthiness. That is nonsense. We are all born worthy. 

Is English not your first language? You sound very articulate in your posts.

[Kirstoski]

1 minute ago, Selkie1111 said:

Of course you are deserving. Life is meant to be fun, fulfilling, joyful. It is just that we often get taught along the way, by other people, that we are supposed struggle and 'earn' our worthiness. That is nonsense. We are all born worthy. 

Is English not your first language? You sound very articulate in your posts.

It is, A lot of the things I really want to do require a GCSE in English Language.

[Annonymous1234]

1 minute ago, Kirstoski said:

It is, A lot of the things I really want to do require a GCSE in English Language.

Ah, ok.  It looks to me like you'll sail through an English Language GCSE - and that you'll have a lot of fun doing it. 

[Kirstoski]

1 minute ago, Selkie1111 said:

Ah, ok.  It looks to me like you'll sail through an English Language GCSE - and that you'll have a lot of fun doing it. 

I have a found love of Reading, My boyfriend gave me a copy of one of his favourite books. "Of mice and men" by John Steinbeck, My boyfriend said when we can he will take me to see it in the theatre. Last year he took me to see "Dear Evan Hansen" in London and I loved every minute of it. I had never been to the west end before. We flew down to London too, I had never flown before and we flew business class too. He said my first flight even though it was short should be special.

It was my first "holiday" I know London isn't special if you love in the country but I loved every minute of it.

I keep looking at the local theatre listings and there is so much I would love to see! 

[Kirstoski]

Today is a bit of a low day for me. I know I should be happy. I'm just feel very low.

I know I should be on top of the world and excited. I just feel a bit low today.

[Annonymous1234]

3 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

I have a found love of Reading, My boyfriend gave me a copy of one of his favourite books. "Of mice and men" by John Steinbeck, My boyfriend said when we can he will take me to see it in the theatre. Last year he took me to see "Dear Evan Hansen" in London and I loved every minute of it. I had never been to the west end before. We flew down to London too, I had never flown before and we flew business class too. He said my first flight even though it was short should be special.

It was my first "holiday" I know London isn't special if you love in the country but I loved every minute of it.

I keep looking at the local theatre listings and there is so much I would love to see! 

That sounds an awesome experience, Kirstoski - and is something that will stay with you forever. I love theatre too. I still remember the aliveness, in-the-moment energy I felt when I attended my first production. It left me buzzing, and that viceral feeling returns every time I watch a production.

I appreciate that you are likely thinking short to medium term with regards a job at the moment. Long term, perhaps you might think about taking tentative steps towards doing a humanities degree or something similar - as it sounds like you have some passion for that. Whatever path you decide to take next, do what makes you feel most alive . . .

[Kirstoski]

18 minutes ago, Selkie1111 said:

That sounds an awesome experience, Kirstoski - and is something that will stay with you forever. I love theatre too. I still remember the aliveness, in-the-moment energy I felt when I attended my first production. It left me buzzing, and that viceral feeling returns every time I watch a production.

I appreciate that you are likely thinking short to medium term with regards a job at the moment. Long term, perhaps you might think about taking tentative steps towards doing a humanities degree or something similar - as it sounds like you have some passion for that. Whatever path you decide to take next, do what makes you feel most alive . . .

It was the best few days of my life. As my boyfriend always adds "so far"

I fancied either picking my cooking up. (I made sticky chicken and rice for lunch today ) or counselling. I was also thinking marketing. Then it hit me that I will be an old nobody after 3 years of degree  study.

My boyfriend said I should just become a foodie and listen to my heart on what to study. 

[Kirstoski]

I know I am going on, I know I have my boyfriend but I don't really have any friends. I guess that is a massive part of my mood today. Boyfriend said I should say hi to his neighbours, get started with interactions. 

 

[DarrenB]

8 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

I know I am going on, I know I have my boyfriend but I don't really have any friends. I guess that is a massive part of my mood today. Boyfriend said I should say hi to his neighbours, get started with interactions. 

 

That's a great idea. Branch out and seek new horizons - start off with building a social circle or fundamentally people to communicate and engage with.

 

[Kirstoski]

Just now, DarrenB said:

That's a great idea. Branch out and seek new horizons - start off with building a social circle or fundamentally people to communicate and engage with.

 

My boyfriends neighbour, shes 80-odd lovely, when I have time I always have a cup of tea with her (before covid) or bring her shopping, theres neighbours our age across the road. Do I just when I see them say "hey hows it going"?

 

[DarrenB]

2 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

My boyfriends neighbour, shes 80-odd lovely, when I have time I always have a cup of tea with her (before covid) or bring her shopping, theres neighbours our age across the road. Do I just when I see them say "hey hows it going"?

 

Of course, however you see fit to engage in small talk.

Generic greeting, followed by a personal question like 'how's your day going?' is plenty enough  

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

My boyfriends neighbour, shes 80-odd lovely, when I have time I always have a cup of tea with her (before covid) or bring her shopping, theres neighbours our age across the road. Do I just when I see them say "hey hows it going"?

 

Just be yourself and let it unfold naturally. That's how friendships form with other people. 

[Kirstoski]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Just be yourself and let it unfold naturally. That's how friendships form with other people. 

I will try it. 

I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I can stay for a bit longer. I know when he has to go out for work I'll be on my own, but at least I won't be on my own for too long

[Annonymous1234]

20 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

My boyfriends neighbour, shes 80-odd lovely, when I have time I always have a cup of tea with her (before covid) or bring her shopping, theres neighbours our age across the road. Do I just when I see them say "hey hows it going"?

 

Your 80-something neighbour will be a wise old soul. Think how much life experience she'll have. 

[Kirstoski]

3 minutes ago, Selkie1111 said:

Your 80-something neighbour will be a wise old soul. Think how much life experience she'll have. 

She shares stories and tells me I'm a good person, my boyfriend is a good boy, We always look after her. I took her some shopping round today and she said I was a good person and my boyfriend is lucky to have a woman like me.

I didn't feel like I am.

[Annonymous1234]

8 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

She shares stories and tells me I'm a good person, my boyfriend is a good boy, We always look after her. I took her some shopping round today and she said I was a good person and my boyfriend is lucky to have a woman like me.

I didn't feel like I am.

Well, she is definitely a wise old lady. You are a good person, Kirstoski - despite what you might have been told, or led to believe, from a young age onwards. . . It then becomes habit of thought, on your part, to think otherwise - and it takes time to turn that gently around. But you'll get there.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

A lot of clients had this mentality. It was ok they were paying to use me. 

 

That is nowhere near the point...  of somebody coming here and putting you down, automatically, because you were a working girl... while at the same time he himself uses working girls.

 

Random men having the belief that it is OK to pay for sex isn't by itself a major problem.

 

Not long ago there was a certain radio host in the U.S. who often said:  (with regard to the cycle of abuse)

 

"thank god women CAN become strippers and working girls (as a typical result of early abuses)  (because males in those same shoes only seem to perpetuate the abuse cycle)"

 

and far, far far better that such women should be selling sexual favors to other adults in the street than to be at home abusing small children (largely because they themselves were once abused).

 

 

LOL - if somehow  straight males were at all sought-after for heterosexual sex work (in large numbers), it would be amusing to study the difference between how a male sex worker would find a new 'crush' (through 'work' )  every few nights or weeks...         while the routine female sex worker is so good at compartmentalizing her life and her feelings that same seldom occurs without extreme desperation and seeming opportunity  having a major hand in it.

 

 

[Watercolors]

I came across this interesting article in relation to this thread. I too agree that if escort services were legalized, that would protect women more.

https://harvardcrcl.org/to-protect-women-legalize-prostitution/

"However, legalizing prostitution has had positive benefits for sex workers across Europe. The most well-known country to have legalized prostitution is the Netherlands, where sex work has been legal for almost twenty years. Bringing the industry out of the black market and imposing strict regulations has improved the safety of sex workers. Brothels are required to obtain and renew safety and hygiene licenses in order to operate, and street prostitution is legal and heavily regulated in places like the Red Light District. Not only does sex work become safer when it is regulated, but legalization also works to weed out the black market that exists for prostitution, thereby making women safer overall. Also, sex workers are not branded as criminals, so they have better access to the legal system and are encouraged to report behaviors that are a danger to themselves and other women in the industry. Finally, legalizing sex work will provide many other positive externalities, including tax revenue, reduction in sexually transmitted diseases, and reallocation of law enforcement resources."

The underlying reason that people are uncomfortable listening to sex workers about legalizing prostitution has nothing to do with concern for the health and safety of women. If that were the genuine concern, prostitution would be legal in the United States by now. The underlying reason people disagree with legalizing prostitution is that prostitution is viewed as amoral because it involves (mostly) women selling their bodies for financial gain. However, telling women what they can and cannot do with their bodies does not come from a place of morality: that comes from a place of control.

People, especially women, sell their bodies for financial gain in legalized fashions on a daily basis. Pornography is legal, and so is exotic dancing. It’s common for people to have sexual relationships with richer partners so as to benefit from their wealth, whether this is through seeking out wealthy life partners or through the less formal but increasingly prevalent phenomenon known as sugar-dating. It’s also common for people to remain in unhappy relationships because they do not want to lose financial stability or spend money on a divorce.

So, what’s the difference? Why are these examples socially acceptable, even encouraged, but prostitution is seen as so appalling?

The difference is that in all of these other situations, it is easy for people to pretend that the women involved are not actually selling their bodies directly. It’s easy to pretend that the pornography actors are just people having consensual sex that the viewing public just happens to be privy to observing. It’s easy to pretend that exotic dancers are not actually selling their bodies because they are not directly engaging in the act of sex. It’s easy to pretend that people who enter into or remain in sexual relationships with wealthy partners could be there for reasons other than financial gain or security.

Prostitution does not allow the general public to have the benefit of these pretenses. Rather, the industry is honest about how sex and money are directly related. And for many individuals, this is an uncomfortable notion. It is even more uncomfortable for some people to believe that women should be allowed to have the control over their bodies that would permit them to engage in prostitution voluntarily; they cannot allow themselves to believe that women would choose such a profession. Yet rather than recognize this reality, those who oppose the legalization of prostitution march forth with arguments about concern for the safety of women. They fail to realize that criminalizing prostitution does not help sex workers, and their arguments lead to legislation that harms women while operating under the morally-driven guise of wanting to protect them.

Instead of forcing sex workers to conduct their business in unregulated black markets where their lives are in danger, all for a mislabeled purpose of “saving” women, take actual action to save women. Legalize prostitution, impose strict regulations, and construct comprehensive support systems that allow sex workers to do their jobs safely.

The desire to protect women from sexual abuse will always be valid, and if anything is a desire that should be more widespread in the United States. What is disingenuous is opposing legalized sex work for reasons that purport to be women’s safety, but that are actually coming from a place of discomfort over women openly engaging in sexual interactions for financial gain. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of women having sex for money, then you should also have a problem with pornography, exotic dancing, and people dating for money. If you do not have a problem with all of these socially accepted practices but have a problem with prostitution because it is “morally questionable,” then you have lost your right to any forum where decisions about the safety and rights of women are being made."

 

 

Edited October 5, 2020 by Watercolors

[Kirstoski]

Thanks for everyones replies. It really does mean a lot.

I guess until peoples attitudes change I'll always be seen in a round about way as an outcast, to those who know and object to my previous career choice. 

I've been up since 5am (its 6:27 now) I've been having panic attacks and nightmares about things. It looks like I gave my boyfriend a bloody nose when I was having a nightmare. He calmed me down, asked me what was happening. I told him and he rang the night doctor, who has given me something to calm me down, told me she is going to refer me to counselling as an urgent case. 

I'm just feeling all frightened. I think my down mood yesterday was the start of this. I feel totally rotten, I had dropped all this on my boyfriend. Now, I've gave him a bloody nose and kept him up half the night. The doctor made me realise that in terms of handling what had happened (she mentioned the R word and I never thought of it that way and it really upset me) I am not doing that well. It upset me that my boyfriend had to go out and get me some tablets to calm me down from a late night chemist,

When he got back, He said "are you ready to try and sleep?" I said no. He said "You can just cuddle up if you want I'm protecting you now". First time ever I felt important, my parents told me to snap out of it when I had nightmares as a kid (nothing serious just usual kid things) but my siblings would be fussed over.

Eventually fell asleep but my boyfriend has work and I totally feel bad and I need to apologise to him. He keeps telling me its not required. I feel like it is though

Sorry for going on.

[Annonymous1234]

It sounds as if you are beginning to get the help and support you need and deserve - that's a good thing. Life won't always feel like this.

[Kirstoski]

Its a step in the right direction.

Boy has told me to stay in bed. I tried apologising for last night he said its not needed. He is going to go round to mine later and get some more clothes. I've got stuff here but just want a few more bits. 

Even though there is no reason for me to worry or panic that he is in my flat. I am anxious about it.

[elaine567]

49 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

Even though there is no reason for me to worry or panic that he is in my flat. I am anxious about it.

Because things are spiralling out of your control
Your life may not have been all that rosy but you were somewhat in control, now you are losing that control.
In a nice way, sure but you are being "enveloped" just the same
Your bf is taking over and whilst that is very caring of him, and you are grateful, you are losing your say, your sense of autonomy, your independence.
Now a doctor is involved, counselling looms, and your bf is rummaging through your flat.
The assault, the loss of your job and the life you led, the loss of your personal safety, the loss of control over your life, the loss of your privacy, are all now taking their toll.