Mystery4u Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 Your boyfriend clearly needs to grow a pair if he is actually willing to take you back. I guess some people just have no self respect and are willing to settle for a lying, cheating partner. Pretty sad. 1 2
Annonymous1234 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 12 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: I am so happy. I don't care what anyone says I can't wait to have my feet all cosy on his floor. Us watching bad films and just cuddles. I don't care what people say. I love it I'm going to ask him to explain some courses to me. Thank you for the update Kirstoski. I am happy for you - and I hope that life continues to work out for you and your boyfriend. He sounds like a good 'un. Also, exciting times to think forward on what you might want to do, education and career-wise. The past is old news - the future is unwritten, and can be what you want to make it. Wishing you both all the very best. X 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Kirstoski said: As for therapy. I've always said I will be seeing a councillor. I'm not denying the fact I need to see one. I think that's a good idea. You and your boyfriend have a long road ahead of you, and I would anticipate some bumps along the way. That's not to say it won't work out, but you two haven't yet begun to feel the longer-term ramifications of all of this. Therapy will help you better navigate those as they begin to crop up. 3
Author Kirstoski Posted October 3, 2020 Author Posted October 3, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Therapy will help you better navigate those as they begin to crop up. It won't navigate this TV remote Someone asked me why I am excited over under floor heating and other boring things. Its because it is "normal" to me, its what the real me loves just basic boring things, because these things means that I'm with my boyfriend and the feeling of being loved, of being wanted, of feeling safe. When I was escorted it was mechanical. They would be doing whatever and I would shut down and imagine it isn't happening to me. When I was working. I tried to switch off as much as possible. I love just cuddling up with my boyfriend, not expecting me to "perform" nor expecting me to be "always ready" and using me. I must get back to looking at courses! 2
Author Kirstoski Posted October 3, 2020 Author Posted October 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Mystery4u said: Your boyfriend clearly needs to grow a pair if he is actually willing to take you back. I guess some people just have no self respect and are willing to settle for a lying, cheating partner. Pretty sad. Wow thanks. He has a lot of self respect thank you. There is no need to be nasty about him. 1 hour ago, Selkie1111 said: Thank you for the update Kirstoski. I am happy for you - and I hope that life continues to work out for you and your boyfriend. He sounds like a good 'un. Also, exciting times to think forward on what you might want to do, education and career-wise. The past is old news - the future is unwritten, and can be what you want to make it. Wishing you both all the very best. X Thank you it is really exciting. I remember when I went to college open days hoping I would just get in, knowing deep down I wouldn't. Now I am looking at courses and getting excited and my boyfriend giving me directions and help on what career I want. I know it is a bit late. But better late than never! 3
Mrin Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 This update made me smile. And I think you did the right thing by just asking him how he wanted you guys to be. Communication is the bedrock of everything 1
Ellener Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Mystery4u said: Your boyfriend clearly needs to grow a pair if he is actually willing to take you back. I guess some people just have no self respect and are willing to settle for a lying, cheating partner. Pretty sad. What's your partner like? for you to make such a bitter comment? 3
Annonymous1234 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Kirstoski said: Wow thanks. He has a lot of self respect thank you. There is no need to be nasty about him. Thank you it is really exciting. I remember when I went to college open days hoping I would just get in, knowing deep down I wouldn't. Now I am looking at courses and getting excited and my boyfriend giving me directions and help on what career I want. I know it is a bit late. But better late than never! Kirstoski . . . It is never too late to get an education, or to change your life. I had a difficult upbringing, too, and left home as a teenager. However, I returned to education in my early twenties - and it saved me. I got myself some 'Access' qualifications, that enabled me to study for a degree at one of the country's most renowned universities. By the end of four years, I had graduated with a First Class Honours Degree, and I was also awarded the title of 'Most Outstanding Graduate' of the year. It sounds as if you love learning. Use that to your advantage. Do not ever let anyone write you off - but more importantly, do not write yourself off. X
Mystery4u Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 22 minutes ago, Ellener said: What's your partner like? for you to make such a bitter comment? Nothing bitter about stating the truth. I don't buy any of OP's excuses about not having a choice for all these years. Years ago when I was newly single I wanted to just have some physical fun with no drama and went to see an escort. We got along well, exchanged contact details, started talking and turns out she had been here for a month, after receiving a job offer from a 'friend'. Turned out this job was escorting, so she tried it just to see, but didn't like it, and felt she didn't have much choice as she could hardly speak the language to get something better and didn't want to just go back home and be seen as a failure. I took it upon myself to call up restaurants that serve her country's food, and got her a trial shift at one of them. After the trial she got the job. She did that for a while so she at least had something to put on her CV and improved her English, until she found something better. Never went back to escorting. So someone who speaks hardly any English, no qualifications, still manages to leave the industry (with a little help from me), and then we have OP here, making excuse after excuse about why she could not do the same. She chose not to find something else. Then she tells her boyfriend she has been sleeping with who knows how many people for 11 months, all while seeing and sleeping with him. And she thinks because he still wants to see her, he has self respect? LOL yea ok then, he has none, otherwise he would have shown OP the door as soon as she told him. No self respecting man or woman is going to carry on being with someone after finding out they have been cheating on them with multiple people over a number of months. That's a very selfish act which deserves absolutely no forgiveness.
Ellener Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 Just now, Mystery4u said: Nothing bitter about stating the truth. I don't buy any of OP's excuses about not having a choice for all these years. Years ago when I was newly single I wanted to just have some physical fun with no drama and went to see an escort. We got along well, exchanged contact details, started talking and turns out she had been here for a month, after receiving a job offer from a 'friend'. Turned out this job was escorting, so she tried it just to see, but didn't like it, and felt she didn't have much choice as she could hardly speak the language to get something better and didn't want to just go back home and be seen as a failure. I took it upon myself to call up restaurants that serve her country's food, and got her a trial shift at one of them. After the trial she got the job. She did that for a while so she at least had something to put on her CV and improved her English, until she found something better. Never went back to escorting. So someone who speaks hardly any English, no qualifications, still manages to leave the industry (with a little help from me), and then we have OP here, making excuse after excuse about why she could not do the same. She chose not to find something else. Then she tells her boyfriend she has been sleeping with who knows how many people for 11 months, all while seeing and sleeping with him. And she thinks because he still wants to see her, he has self respect? LOL yea ok then, he has none, otherwise he would have shown OP the door as soon as she told him. No self respecting man or woman is going to carry on being with someone after finding out they have been cheating on them with multiple people over a number of months. That's a very selfish act which deserves absolutely no forgiveness. 'excuses'? What's that supposed to mean, it's her life, her relationships. In the UK she's not breaking any laws. But what a double standard- it's okay for a man to seek out an 'escort' but not okay for a woman to be the escort? Listen to yourself! 4 4
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Mystery4u said: Your boyfriend clearly needs to grow a pair if he is actually willing to take you back. I guess some people just have no self respect and are willing to settle for a lying, cheating partner. Pretty sad. This post surprises me Mystery. Empathy mate (differs from sympathy). You typically do, not sure why you're unable to here. Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) Just to know Mystery, I do agree with you about her cheating for 11 months. The context was different from typical cheating as there was no emotional involvement or even sexual attraction. BUT cheating is essentially deception which the OP is guilty of. So in that respect, she cheated. However, empathy and the ability to forgive and accept our partner's failings or shortcomings (especially when they are remorseful as the OP is here) are beautiful qualities to possess and necessary in any mutually respectful and loving LTR, imo. Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 7 minutes ago, poppyfields said: The context was different from typical cheating as there was no emotional involvement or even sexual attraction. You don't actually know that, and is cheating only cheating when there is emotional involvement or attraction? 1
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 12 minutes ago, poppyfields said: empathy and the ability to forgive and accept our partner's failings or shortcomings are beautiful qualities to possess and necessary in any mutually respectful and loving LTR, imo. Surely fidelity is a beautiful quality to possess in any mutually respectful and loving LTR... No? 1
Acacia98 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 48 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: No self respecting man or woman is going to carry on being with someone after finding out they have been cheating on them with multiple people over a number of months. That's a very selfish act which deserves absolutely no forgiveness. As far as I'm concerned OP cheated because she was not forthcoming about being an escort before her and her boyfriend became intimate. Based on what I've read, OP feels the same way too. And OP's boyfriend feels the same way too. I don't think either of them is pretending that what happened isn't a big deal. If he decides to forgive her, he is a human being with agency. He can make that decision. He doesn't have to convince you of anything. Nor does she. You actually sound incredulous that they would go ahead and make a decision you disapprove of or that she would live a lifetyle that you disapprove of but fire and brimstone haven't come raining down on her... At the end of the day, though, it's their relationship, not yours. They get to decide. It may be the right decision; it may be the wrong one. But it's their decision. Not yours. Not mine. Not the other commenters'. 4
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You don't actually know that, and is cheating only cheating when there is emotional involvement or attraction? Why did you snip only that one portion of my post, did you not read the entire post? I agree(d) with Mystery and you, it was cheating, absolutely. To repeat what I previously posted, cheating is deception, which the OP IS guilty of, so in that sense, yes she did cheat. Agreeing with you. Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 29 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Surely fidelity is a beautiful quality to possess in any mutually respectful and loving LTR... No? Is that a rhetorical question? I assume it is so will refrain from answering as you already know the answer. I cannot believe you or anyone are actually arguing against being forgiving and accepting of your partners mistakes or failings, especially again when they express as much remorse as the OP does here. You are not the OP's boyfriend. If HE chooses to forgive, no disrespect elaine but what business is it of yours?
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: yes she did cheat. And that fact is what has coloured Mystery4U's viewpoint. Seems to me, men do not tend to tolerate cheating women. Generalisation yes, maybe but many men gauge their own worth by the woman they are sleeping with. If she cheats and lies she is gone... Mystery4U is talking for a lot of men here I guess. The OP's bf is an outlier, but it is still very early days... 1
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, poppyfields said: double post... Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The OP's bf is an outlier, but it is still very early days... I do agree with you about that and actually warned the OP. He could be in denial or suppressing emotions that could possibly surface later. So yeah, she needs to be aware of that. It's a huge risk. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 You're lucky he's going to try to overlook this. Don't lie to him anymore and get to work building a life for yourself through education and hard work. Stop leaning on men including your boyfriend to provide an "easier" way. As you've discovered, there is no easy path to true self-actualization and empowerment. You have to do the work. I personally believe that anything acquired through less than virtuous means isn't yours to keep and you will eventually lose it one way or another - like quicksand. Truly earn what you have in virtuous ways and it's yours forever.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 3 hours ago, Kirstoski said: Someone asked me why I am excited over under floor heating and other boring things. Its because it is "normal" to me, its what the real me loves just basic boring things, because these things means that I'm with my boyfriend and the feeling of being loved, of being wanted, of feeling safe. When I was escorted it was mechanical. They would be doing whatever and I would shut down and imagine it isn't happening to me. Yes, that makes good sense. It's understandable. What I meant is that you might find, as time goes on, that you and your boyfriend experience problems stemming from all of this. It would be nearly impossible not to, given the nature and gravity of this revelation. The initial relief that he wants to continue is elating, no doubt. My point was simply that the hard (relationship) work is yet to come, and that's where a good therapist can help. 3
SumGuy Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 4 hours ago, Kirstoski said: .... Someone asked me why I am excited over under floor heating and other boring things. Its because it is "normal" to me, its what the real me loves just basic boring things, because these things means that I'm with my boyfriend and the feeling of being loved, of being wanted, of feeling safe. When I was escorted it was mechanical. They would be doing whatever and I would shut down and imagine it isn't happening to me. When I was working. I tried to switch off as much as possible. I love just cuddling up with my boyfriend, not expecting me to "perform" nor expecting me to be "always ready" and using me. ... Warms my heart Kirstoski that he is willing to try and shows such respect, he sounds like a centered man with a strong heart. Sure it hurts him that you didn't tell him but seems he has wisdom and empathy enough to understand why, to put himself in your shoes as best he can and see there but for the grace of god goes him. The love of boring basic things, what better is there it's so hygge, and intimate in the true sense. 1
balletomane Posted October 3, 2020 Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) Whether they realise it or not, I suspect some posters here are using the OP's boyfriend as a ventriloquist's doll to express their own views on sex workers - that they lie, they're menaces to society, if they get a boyfriend they're probably using him, etc. - and are just disappointed that the man in this situation hasn't confirmed their own views. It's obviously very difficult to share advice without personal biases getting in the way, and this is particularly noticeable on topics that carry a lot of social stigma. OP, I'd take the constructive things people offer you - suggestions, ideas, etc. - and ignore anything that contains no advice but is a rant about your character or your boyfriend's. Go out there and rebuild your life. You don't need anyone's judgements to do that, positive or negative. All the very best of luck. Edited October 3, 2020 by balletomane 4 2
Author Kirstoski Posted October 3, 2020 Author Posted October 3, 2020 Wow so many positive and negative comments. I'll respond when I have more time. 48 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Warms my heart Kirstoski that he is willing to try and shows such respect, he sounds like a centered man with a strong heart. Sure it hurts him that you didn't tell him but seems he has wisdom and empathy enough to understand why, to put himself in your shoes as best he can and see there but for the grace of god goes him. The love of boring basic things, what better is there it's so hygge, and intimate in the true sense. Thank you. He ran me a bath earlier and theres nothing that beats a bubble bath, getting out to a warm toasty house to a big thick dressing down coming downstairs and just watching a film. Not expected to do anything except pick a film. If you are in the UK with the choice of Sky/Netflix you'll know how hard that is. Not out of my predicament yet but this feels good! 3
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