mark clemson Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Kirstoski said: If he asks me if I was attacked do I need to tell him? because was more than physical if you understand what I'm saying? I don't think I could talk about it. Don't disclose what you're not comfortable disclosing. However, also realize that at some point you may wish to tell him. Understand that multiple iterations of "revealing stuff" (if it's major stuff, which I think this is, certainly to you) tend to erode trust. At some point he would probably question "what else is there that I haven't heard about yet". So, you will need to walk that line, unfortunately.
Author Kirstoski Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ellener said: https://www.swarmcollective.org/ says this https://www.swarmcollective.org/what-we-stand-for We recognise sex work as work. and We believe that if you want fewer women to do sex work, you have to focus on expanding women’s options, not criminalising them for doing what they have to do to survive. We are feminists, but we denounce the carceral feminism* which seeks to take away our livelihood and our survival. ( *That means people like moral crusaders who see women as simply victims, disempowering them in another way ) Then say something like 'I'm not ready to talk about that'. Is this the first time you've ever talked to anyone about your work? Anyone who wants to change their life it's a process. Break it down so it's not overwhelming. It is the first time I've really spoken about it to someone who I care about 1
Author Kirstoski Posted October 1, 2020 Author Posted October 1, 2020 1 minute ago, mark clemson said: Don't disclose what you're not comfortable disclosing. However, also realize that at some point you may wish to tell him. Understand that multiple iterations of "revealing stuff" (if it's major stuff, which I think this is, certainly to you) tend to erode trust. At some point he would probably question "what else is there that I haven't heard about yet". So, you will need to walk that line, unfortunately. I want to tell him but I am scared he will think I'm going to use it as some form of explanation.
Ellener Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 15 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: However I know most won't care. I think you'll find people who will understand and be supportive. Lots of people feel they have messed things up one way or another, and it's not like you've done anything terrible. 1
Dork Vader Posted October 1, 2020 Posted October 1, 2020 10 hours ago, Kirstoski said: Thank you. Its hard not having any family to fall back on. I have been on my own and it has been hard. I have tried talking to my parents and they just blanked me. One time they told me I am no longer their problem. Its hard and I really badly want to be the best I can be. Are there any support groups you can look for? Even if it's just AA/NA? Make sure you are changing for yourself, not this guy or anyone else. Don't focus on your parents. Focus on the positives of doing this completely on your own, completely independent! 1
Lotsgoingon Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Basically any "quirk" like this ... you want to get out there early on. No hiding. There are people out there for any of us ... Delaying just leads to more delaying. Get it out there ... maybe not first date ... but maybe after first kiss ... or first night together. In the future, of course.
healing light Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, elaine567 said: 10 years as an escort on your CV will not get you a job out-with the sex industry. Honestly wondering if she could disclose this and try to work for a sex shop in a retail capacity? Then switch over to a different kind of company once she has that experience on her resume? Have not read the whole thread, yet, but I'm proud of OP for coming clean to her boyfriend, albeit late. I think the best thing you can do is be honest, be transparent, and give him the space to think. Keep your head up and keep applying. Sorry if I missed it, when will you know from the university? Can you go back to school and pick up a trade? Edited October 2, 2020 by healing light 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 I agree you should be honest about this moving forward, with this guy or any other. It's the kind of thing that drops a bomb on someone to find out later.
healing light Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 (edited) Okay, just caught up with the thread. I would either be honest with him about the assaults if you are ready so he sees you with full transparency, or give him an answer that suggests you may be open to telling him more in the future but right now it is difficult for you to talk about. If you tell him no and it's a lie, this will come back to bite you because then he will think he can't trust you. I do agree with the other posters who mentioned organizations geared toward helping women get out of the sex industry. I would try to contact the resources available to you in your community. Edited October 2, 2020 by healing light
Watercolors Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 I think you are on the right path for improving the quality of your life, OP. You found a man you love who loves you. You will find out when you meet with him, if he’s comfortable staying in the relationship with you b/c of your line of work for the past ten years. Don’t beat yourself up at all. You did what you had to do to survive. I can list of many famous people who started off broke and nearly homeless, who are now wealthy, famous people because they believed in themselves and they fought hard to take steps to improve their lives. Which you are already doing by looking at taking online courses, and applying for those part-time jobs, so that you can leave escorting behind once and for all. If your boyfriend decides that your line of work will cause problems for him that’s on HIM and is not a reflection of you as a person at all. Do not let him gaslight you or be dismissive of your feelings when you do talk to him. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Do not let him or anyone tell you different. Nothing in our lives is static. We can constantly change our lives by making one decision. Just one. Then massive changes can start to happen from that one decision. Do not let him berate you or project his insecurities on to you, for your escorting. If he does that, its a reflection on his poor character more than its a reflection of your strong character. Stay strong. Believe in yourself. Be proud of yourself and don’t let him make you feel bad or ashamed of yourself. If he does that, well, he just wasted 11 months of YOUR time when you could have been with a man who is secure with himself and isn’t bothered by your line of work. 1
Author Kirstoski Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 Thank you for everyone's replies. If I missed anyones response I apologise. Someone asked me if I am taking any illicit substances. No I am not. Nor have they ever been a factor. I didn't want you think I was ignoring you As for working in a sex shop there are not many round here in that regard. There is Ann Summers but I don't think its a transferable skill set. Thank you to the posters who suggested I tell my boyfriend about being attacked or say "I'll talk when I'm ready" it is a really good idea. I need to tell him but I don't think I am ready yet. I've not really slept, I've been worried. about tonight. About the unknown. About everything. Worrying about when my savings run out if I have no job. I worry my boyfriend hates me, and I must admit I did text him asking if he hates me and he replied fairly quickly saying "no, please try not to worry" and he followed it up with "things will be sorted tomorrow. I know I'm being candid but please try not to worry". I'm worrying I'll get there, We'll eat and he will say "get your stuff you are dumped". I just want to know now sort of thing. But I haven't pressed or asked for an answer because I understand this has to be on his terms. I had a day of studying planned today before heading up to his. I don't feel in the mindset to. I'm full of worry 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 31 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: I just want to know now sort of thing. But I haven't pressed or asked for an answer because I understand this has to be on his terms. I am not sure you'll get a definitive answer tonight anyway, to be honest. He might not really even know yet what he wants to do, as he comes to terms with this. If I were you, I would brace yourself for some back-and-forth while he works through his own feelings on this and tries to decide what to do. He might already know which direction he wants to take, yes. Or he might be willing to try for a bit with no guarantees of where his heart and mind will be in the coming weeks. It can take time to really absorb and then react to a shock.
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 If he decides to stay, be careful as regards what you are "signing up" for going forward. I know you will be so relieved if he sticks around and that will no doubt cause you to accept almost anything in order to keep him. That will likely alter the power dynamic between the two of you, with him holding most of the cards. If he is a good guy then that may not matter, he will not hold any of this against you, but some guys will end up bitter, twisted and angry over this new info and whilst they may not leave, they will make your life a misery as they keep metaphorically beating you up to punish you and make themselves feel better. You already think you are "bad" and some guys will exploit this. He now has one up on you. Some will turn their hurt and upset into yelling and resort to name calling and will be obviously abusive but others will be more subtle with nasty well timed "digs" or "jokes" which will hurt just as bad. Be aware and do not put up with any nasty nonsense due to "love"... Remember, he is not the only fish in the sea. 3
Author Kirstoski Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 13 minutes ago, elaine567 said: If he decides to stay, be careful as regards what you are "signing up" for going forward. I know you will be so relieved if he sticks around and that will no doubt cause you to accept almost anything in order to keep him. That will likely alter the power dynamic between the two of you, with him holding most of the cards. If he is a good guy then that may not matter, he will not hold any of this against you, but some guys will end up bitter, twisted and angry over this new info and whilst they may not leave, they will make your life a misery as they keep metaphorically beating you up to punish you and make themselves feel better. You already think you are "bad" and some guys will exploit this. He now has one up on you. Some will turn their hurt and upset into yelling and resort to name calling and will be obviously abusive but others will be more subtle with nasty well timed "digs" or "jokes" which will hurt just as bad. Be aware and do not put up with any nasty nonsense due to "love"... Remember, he is not the only fish in the sea. I honestly don't think he is the sort of guy. When he knew I didn't have any formal qualifications (Hes known that for a while). He didn't mock, make digs or hold it against me. One date I mentioned I was looking at pythagoras theorem and he actually explained it to me. No malice or anything Just made sure I understood what I had said. For our next date, I dropped a hint I'd love to explore the science museum with him and he took me. I had so many questions and he explained everything. I still struggle with maths on certain things and he has never held it against me. He just explained it again to me.
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Maybe but the goalposts are now moved. You are no longer some innocent "pupil" he loved helping, you are now a woman who slept with other men for money when he thought you were exclusive to him. A woman who deceived him for 11 long months, A woman who he now maybe thinks has used him to further her own knowledge... I didn't say anything was a given, but not many will see all that as nothing and will pick up as before. Just be careful. 1 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 Sadly you will have an uphill climb. Avoid TMI. No one you date is a social worker or therapist. Avoid sounding pitiful. Do Not Tell him about the assault. That's for ER personnel and law enforcement. Look into social services for mental health support and help with your transition. Also look for help with housing, food, healthcare, career training and employment. Avoid negative and judgemental people and comments. Sadly some of the rotten remarks you are reading here are a cross section of things you may encounter. Most of all do not define yourself with this or let others. Do not let this guy help you or feel sorry for you. Do things on your own. 1
Author Kirstoski Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 57 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Maybe but the goalposts are now moved. You are no longer some innocent "pupil" he loved helping, you are now a woman who slept with other men for money when he thought you were exclusive to him. A woman who deceived him for 11 long months, A woman who he now maybe thinks has used him to further her own knowledge... I didn't say anything was a given, but not many will see all that as nothing and will pick up as before. Just be careful. this is scaring me now. I am even more nervous about going tonight now.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 3 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: this is scaring me now. I am even more nervous about going tonight now. Just be honest with him, and be realistic. If you two keep seeing each other, understand it will be different now. There's been a grave betrayal of trust, and it's going to be hard to regain. He's faced with the difficult task of getting to know the woman you really are rather than who you presented yourself to be. That's no small feat, for either of you. I am sure you can appreciate why things won't go back to the way they were (if he decides to continue dating) but you two would be navigating very different terrain. I don't get the sense he'd be openly hostile, but I would expect a lot of effort from both of you to keep this afloat.
Wiseman2 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 14 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: this is scaring me now. I am even more nervous about going tonight now. Why let anyone "scare" you? No one but you knows him. Be yourself, avoid TMI and see what happens. 1
Author Kirstoski Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 People telling me these things and I'm just worried it will happen.
Acacia98 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 1 hour ago, Kirstoski said: People telling me these things and I'm just worried it will happen. Don't worry, Kirstoki. If it happens, it happens. You will be okay whatever the outcome. There's one thing I'm confused about. Did you do your IGCSEs but fail to get the results or did you not do the exams at all? If the former, is it not possible to get the results years down the road?
Author Kirstoski Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 11 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: Don't worry, Kirstoki. If it happens, it happens. You will be okay whatever the outcome. There's one thing I'm confused about. Did you do your IGCSEs but fail to get the results or did you not do the exams at all? If the former, is it not possible to get the results years down the road? I got Us So whilst I got "grades" they are not recognised as useful.
Acacia98 Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 1 minute ago, Kirstoski said: I got Us So whilst I got "grades" they are not recognised as useful. Okay. Now I understand.
poppyfields Posted October 2, 2020 Posted October 2, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: Maybe but the goalposts are now moved. You are no longer some innocent "pupil" he loved helping, you are now a woman who slept with other men for money when he thought you were exclusive to him. A woman who deceived him for 11 long months, A woman who he now maybe thinks has used him to further her own knowledge... I didn't say anything was a given, but not many will see all that as nothing and will pick up as before. Just be careful. Harsh truth^. Also, it's possible that right now, after just being given this truth, he's in a bit of denial about it. Not consciously but I can only imagine after knowing you one way for 11 months, learning this is quite a jolt to his senses and the image he had of you. So going into denial and burying his true feelings would be understandable. However sooner or later, the buried feelings will surface and that is when the problems emerge. Sadly, you can't undo what's been done. I wish you the best, and truly hope it all works out for you. Keep us posted.
Author Kirstoski Posted October 2, 2020 Author Posted October 2, 2020 With him I was always my real self, As in the way I acted etc 1
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