I have really messed up

October 1, 2020

6 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Yes, kids in poverty will do a lot for money, because they need it to eat.

- I know......like lie, cheat, steal, and otherwise hurt people and be a menace to society.

I'm not buying the excuses. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Edited October 1, 2020 by Fletch Lives

October 1, 2020

I'm not trying to say I'm an angel and completely innocent in all this, far from it. I'm not here to say I'm completely innocent, because I'm not. I did the work for a long time. I got with my boyfriend and carried on, because thats all I knew. I've been teaching myself things to try and improve things.

I've got no excuse. All I know is, the one good thing I've had in my life is my boyfriend and I'm about to lose him I feel. I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to do things to make me the best I can be.

I should have gone social services, but at the time, I just needed to know where my next meal and knowing where I was staying.

Please don't think I'm doing any self pity. if I was in front of a judge. I'd be pleding guilty.

October 1, 2020

4 hours ago, Dork Vader said:

K, what about taking courses on-line in a field that interests you and/or that pays relatively well?

You have savings or you could apply for government loans or grants to pay for schooling.

Medical assistant, legal assistant, so many things you can do with some training and education.

Many schools will place you in a job once training has been completed.

There "are" jobs out there even now during the pandemic. Go on craigslist in your city or another job site in your location.

I would not list escort on your resume. Simply tell them you've been traveling or something and are now ready to get back to work.

Many folks return to work after years of doing nothing at all.

I think that's better than telling them you were an escort.

Not judging you at all, you did what you needed to do.

But as you have discovered, many employers are not quite so understanding.

And if you tell them you're in school, that's a plus 1 for you too!

Edited October 1, 2020 by poppyfields

October 1, 2020

51 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

I'm not here to say I'm completely innocent, because I'm not. I did the work for a long time. I got with my boyfriend and carried on, because thats all I knew.

Maybe you carried on because thats all you knew, but you did not tell him because you were only thinking of yourself, you were being selfish.

He needs to break up with you, as you are not ready to be in a relationship. A relationship means you think about the other person's feelings, not just your own.

October 1, 2020

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

K, what about taking courses on-line in a field that interests you and/or that pays relatively well?

You have savings or you could apply for government loans or grants to pay for schooling.

Medical assistant, legal assistant, so many things you can do with some training and education.

Many schools will place you in a job once training has been completed.

There "are" jobs out there even now during the pandemic. Go on craigslist in your city or another job site in your location.

I would not list escort on your resume. Simply tell them you've been traveling or something and are now ready to get back to work.

Many folks return to work after years of doing nothing at all.

I think that's better than telling them you were an escort.

Not judging you at all, you did what you needed to do.

But as you have discovered, many employers are not quite so understanding.

And if you tell them you're in school, that's a plus 1 for you too!

The UK has the NHS and Adult Education in my area is free for residents. Most accept travelling/looking after a sick relative as the reason for the gap. they don't care on that. its my lack of "formal" education certificates. that bothers them.

Saying that. My local shop has a help wanted sign and I've left my details with them.

9 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Maybe you carried on because thats all you knew, but you did not tell him because you were only thinking of yourself, you were being selfish.

He needs to break up with you, as you are not ready to be in a relationship. A relationship means you think about the other person's feelings, not just your own.

I agree with the first part. If I didn't think about his feelings why would I have told him. Its hard outing yourself as an escort.

October 1, 2020

3 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Maybe you carried on because thats all you knew, but you did not tell him because you were only thinking of yourself, you were being selfish.

He needs to break up with you, as you are not ready to be in a relationship. A relationship means you think about the other person's feelings, not just your own.

I agree Mystery, but life is a journey with much to learn along the way.

Often there are detours or we travel a path that is unhealthy for us and might hurt others as well.

We learn from poor choices, grow, evolve.

It appears the OP recognizes her poor choices and takes responsibility for withholding information from her boyfriend and is remorseful. No need to make her feel any worse than she already does.

K, it's your boyfriend's decision, give him time. Hopefully it all works out for you, you seem like a lovely person who deserves love like everyone else.

October 1, 2020

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

K, what about taking courses on-line in a field that interests you and/or that pays relatively well?

You have savings or you could apply for government loans or grants to pay for schooling.

Medical assistant, legal assistant, so many things you can do with some training and education.

Many schools will place you in a job once training has been completed.

There "are" jobs out there even now during the pandemic. Go on craigslist in your city or another job site in your location.

I would not list escort on your resume. Simply tell them you've been traveling or something and are now ready to get back to work.

Many folks return to work after years of doing nothing at all.

I think that's better than telling them you were an escort.

Not judging you at all, you did what you needed to do.

But as you have discovered, many employers are not quite so understanding.

And if you tell them you're in school, that's a plus 1 for you too!

The UK has the NHS and Adult Education in my area is free for residents. Most accept travelling/looking after a sick relative as the reason for the gap. they don't care on that. its my lack of "formal" education certificates. that bothers them.

Saying that. My local shop has a help wanted sign and I've left my details with them.

October 1, 2020

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

- I know......like lie, cheat, steal, and otherwise hurt people and be a menace to society.

I'm not buying the excuses. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Three wrongs don't make a right either. She asked for advice on constructive things she can do in the present, not for insults and criticism about choices that are in the past and she can't now change. Maybe you feel that her behaviour justifies you posting hurtful comments, in which case you need to ask yourself why her behaviour is a valid reason for your choice...but her parents kicking her out when she was still a child isn't a valid reason for her choices.

October 1, 2020

1 minute ago, balletomane said:

Three wrongs don't make a right either. She asked for advice on constructive things she can do in the present, not for insults and criticism about choices that are in the past and she can't now change. Maybe you feel that her behaviour justifies you posting hurtful comments, in which case you need to ask yourself why her behaviour is a valid reason for your choice...but her parents kicking her out when she was still a child isn't a valid reason for her choices.

I'm not trying to defend myself here. WHen I was young and naive Sex work was easy good money, I got stuck in a rut and it continued. Tried leaving a few times, didn't work out and went back. I had no place to stay (Sofa surfing isn't fun).

With my boyfriend I don't have any excuse. I can say I was scared for the outcome. and when I quite I needed to tell him, because I had been really unfair to him.

I don't have any defence though to be honest.

October 1, 2020

I wish I had some hopeful and kind words for you Kirstoski. Your plight certainly brings out my white knight tendencies. I understand that you think you may be a different person today then ten years ago. I wonder though if you won't revert if your BF walks. That new look at life and the willpower to pursue may be coming from the love you feel for him and without it, it will be back to the mines.

Another thing you should consider is that your sudden bout of love may be driven by your biological clock. The desire to settle down with children may dissipate once that goal is achieved and the learned behavior you acquired while an escort rises from dormancy.

Your immediate problem with your boyfriend is going to depend on how he views sex. If he sees sex as something extremely personal between two people then you are done. If he see's sex as you do, as recreational, then you have a fighting chance.

Another thing to consider is how likely is it that you will be recognized and approached by former "clients" while at dinner or any public place while with your SO? It's something to consider.

You may have to lower your sights and choose an open relationship with someone who doesn't care who you are sleeping with as long as you come home to them. Most people would not welcome this but with your ability to compartmentalize, it might be the best you can do. Would I be wrong to assume that the majority of your friends have connections to the sex trade? You need to isolate yourself from them unless they, like you, are on their way out. Any undo influence that may entice you back needs to eliminated.

You can be the best you can be with what you have to work with but you can build on that. Your desire to complete an education is in the right direction. I think that finding a philanthropic group that specializes in helping young women escape from prostitution is a very good idea and one you should actively pursue.

If you are not inclined to accept that help then think about working overseas. The work isn't brain stimulating but it would get away from the danger of being drawn back into escort service. A few thousand miles between you and temptation would work well in your favor.

A friend of my wife's worked in the UAE for two years. She felt it was quite an experience that enhanced her perspective on life. Something like that might help you also.

From this moment on choose well.

October 1, 2020

Caveat: I know very little about sex work. I've never known a sex worker (that I know of) and have never been a customer.

OP - I'll leave it to the others to discuss the particulars of your situation. But I wanted to focus on one thing you have said several times - this self condemnation as being a bad person. Obviously, I know why you reached that conclusion. But is it really true? Are you really a bad person? From what I understand so far, you didn't do anything illegal. You paid taxes. You got tested. I think you're calling yourself bad because the line of work you chose is considered to be morally reprehensible by a lot of people. Ok, I get that. But does that make you a bad person?

I'm not sure it does. It isn't like you were a mafia boss, or an assassin or thief. Prostitution is called a victimless crime in some countries for a reason. And in your case, it wasn't even a crime (as far as I know).

I'm curious - what's the payoff of calling yourself a bad person? What do you get out of that? Especially with the fact that you freely admit to choosing this profession rather than it being forced upon you. What do you "get" from calling yourself a bad person???

In my opinion, the only thing you've done that could be construed as making you a bad person was withholding this information from him until now. But - if withholding a material fact from someone you're falling in love with makes you a bad person then this forum is full of bad people (myself included).

Anyhow, something to think about. And perhaps consider what life would be like if you shed that moniker and stopped calling yourself a bad person.

Mrin

October 1, 2020

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

I wish I had some hopeful and kind words for you Kirstoski. Your plight certainly brings out my white knight tendencies. I understand that you think you may be a different person today then ten years ago. I wonder though if you won't revert if your BF walks. That new look at life and the willpower to pursue may be coming from the love you feel for him and without it, it will be back to the mines.

Another thing you should consider is that your sudden bout of love may be driven by your biological clock. The desire to settle down with children may dissipate once that goal is achieved and the learned behavior you acquired while an escort rises from dormancy.

Your immediate problem with your boyfriend is going to depend on how he views sex. If he sees sex as something extremely personal between two people then you are done. If he see's sex as you do, as recreational, then you have a fighting chance.

Another thing to consider is how likely is it that you will be recognized and approached by former "clients" while at dinner or any public place while with your SO? It's something to consider.

You may have to lower your sights and choose an open relationship with someone who doesn't care who you are sleeping with as long as you come home to them. Most people would not welcome this but with your ability to compartmentalize, it might be the best you can do. Would I be wrong to assume that the majority of your friends have connections to the sex trade? You need to isolate yourself from them unless they, like you, are on their way out. Any undo influence that may entice you back needs to eliminated.

You can be the best you can be with what you have to work with but you can build on that. Your desire to complete an education is in the right direction. I think that finding a philanthropic group that specializes in helping young women escape from prostitution is a very good idea and one you should actively pursue.

If you are not inclined to accept that help then think about working overseas. The work isn't brain stimulating but it would get away from the danger of being drawn back into escort service. A few thousand miles between you and temptation would work well in your favor.

A friend of my wife's worked in the UAE for two years. She felt it was quite an experience that enhanced her perspective on life. Something like that might help you also.

From this moment on choose well.

Thank you for replying, It would be difficult for me to revert. I had a profile on a website which I have requested to be removed and they have blocked me from signing up/in again. The number I used for clients, the sim card is in the canal and I have sold the phone I had the sim card in. My main number is my personal non-work phone. I won't ever mix the two. One of the catalysts was at the beginning of the UK lockdown before it was mandatory to stay home. I saw a client who decided my service wasn't to his standard and decided to beat me up quite badly. I can't go back to that. I didn't have clients back at my actual flat I had another one I rented. Which I've terminated the lease on. My friends were sex workers, they are now not friends as they consider me an outsider. I don't have many other friends. That's why this is a fresh start.

As for my biological clock and I am wanting to have children isn't an issue. at this moment in time, I am not mother material. As for previous clients approaching me, they would be outing themselves, but it is something to consider.

59 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Caveat: I know very little about sex work. I've never known a sex worker (that I know of) and have never been a customer.

OP - I'll leave it to the others to discuss the particulars of your situation. But I wanted to focus on one thing you have said several times - this self condemnation as being a bad person. Obviously, I know why you reached that conclusion. But is it really true? Are you really a bad person? From what I understand so far, you didn't do anything illegal. You paid taxes. You got tested. I think you're calling yourself bad because the line of work you chose is considered to be morally reprehensible by a lot of people. Ok, I get that. But does that make you a bad person?

I'm not sure it does. It isn't like you were a mafia boss, or an assassin or thief. Prostitution is called a victimless crime in some countries for a reason. And in your case, it wasn't even a crime (as far as I know).

I'm curious - what's the payoff of calling yourself a bad person? What do you get out of that? Especially with the fact that you freely admit to choosing this profession rather than it being forced upon you. What do you "get" from calling yourself a bad person???

In my opinion, the only thing you've done that could be construed as making you a bad person was withholding this information from him until now. But - if withholding a material fact from someone you're falling in love with makes you a bad person then this forum is full of bad people (myself included).

Anyhow, something to think about. And perhaps consider what life would be like if you shed that moniker and stopped calling yourself a bad person.

Mrin

I am a bad person for the hurt I've brought my boyfriend. Thats how I feel.

October 1, 2020

Strange few messages from the boyfriend

He messaged me asking to meet tomorrow evening as we needed to talk about things. I agreed to meet. He then asked if I've eaten, I said I've had bits. He replied he'll get us some food to eat whilst we talked.

I really don't know how to prepare for it. Surely if he is going to dump me he wouldn't feed me? or am I reading too much in to it.

October 1, 2020

If it was me, I'd ensure I maintained one source of income while I branched into another more legitimate one. Unless BF plans on paying your living expenses. IF you go that route, you're essentially at his mercy financially, which might eventually bite you in the ass quite hard, especially if you never marry. Or if you find the help provided by a charity for former sex workers actually sufficient to live on, which I suppose is possible.

If "escorting" is illegal/unregulated where you are then perhaps stripping or something, I don't know. DO branch out into something more legitimate ASAP. It's easier said than done, though and as pointed out now is not a particularly good time. JMO, but living on the street to assuage other people's morals isn't the answer. You found a solution that, although certainly not positive, clearly was something you could live with. But - really you should have transitioned into something more legitimate long ago.

If I may ask are you on or addicted to any substances? If yes you NEED to get over that as a top priority as well. In the long term they do nothing but ruin lives (as I'm sure you realize). THAT there is always help for.

Personally I suspect the meeting is to break up, although I could certainly be wrong. Food doesn't mean anything in and of itself IMO, just being civilized.

Edited October 1, 2020 by mark clemson

October 1, 2020

19 hours ago, schlumpy said:

If your boyfriend came to me for advice and without knowing you, I would tell him to run.

I would tell him to run because your ability to sleep with strangers creates a higher risk that you will cheat on him during a long term relationship.

That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence. There is no evidence that a sex worker is inherently less loyal than someone else, especially when said worker is no longer in that industry. In fact, since the vast majority of the planet is not employed in sex work and yet cheating is extremely common, I'd say her former employment has precisely nothing to do with her loyalty.

8 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

Thanks everyone else for your replies. I'm not going to defend what I did. I know what I did is wrong. I have some savings to see me by. So I'm ok at the moment. I'm also looking at doing maths and english courses online.

I know I'm a terrible person I just want to show him I am good.

Stop. First of all, the only reason to not defend what you did is because there is nothing to defend. I have never been paid for sex but that doesn't make me a better person than you. You made a choice and if given that choice again, you wouldn't do it again. But in the meantime, you were safe and honest.

Now you've been seeing someone and you were eventually honest with him. Good on you. He may choose to exit but that's properly his choice. I can tell you that, having dated a stripper once, the thing I didn't like was know that she had a lot of experience and that maybe I didn't stack up to that experience. She informed me that was not the case, that sex with me was incredible. Once I was assured, we were fine. We weren't together long because of other reasons but her prior profession had little to do with it.

So take heart. You made choices in the past that are perfectly fine. You were (eventually) honest with your BF. You cannot control where he goes with it but you made the responsible choice to share yourself with him.

October 1, 2020

55 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

Strange few messages from the boyfriend

He messaged me asking to meet tomorrow evening as we needed to talk about things. I agreed to meet. He then asked if I've eaten, I said I've had bits. He replied he'll get us some food to eat whilst we talked.

I really don't know how to prepare for it. Surely if he is going to dump me he wouldn't feed me? or am I reading too much in to it.

So, assuming you haven't had this conversation already, if I were him I would either a) just end it gracefully or (far more likely) b) want to learn a LOT more about what being an escort entailed. I'd ask you a lot of questions. How many? How often? Was it just sex? Did you ever enjoy it? Did you ever have an orgasm? Were any of the men good lovers? How did they treat you? Did you ever development feelings for any? Were you ever assaulted? What did it feel like? How "done" with escorting are you? Is there a chance we'd ever run into one of your former clients? Do any of them know where you live? If I could get comfortable with it I might even ask some cheeky questions like what was the weirdest request you had? What was the strangest dick you saw? Was it anything like Pretty Woman? How much did you charge? Etc...

Either way, if he is wanting to feed you it means that he still cares for you and your well being.

Best of luck and please stop beating yourself up. What's done is done. The only thing that matters is the here and now. And what you do in the here and now is the only thing you can do that might influence the future with this guy.

October 1, 2020

27 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

I have never been paid for sex but that doesn't make me a better person than you.

The escort thing is not why she thinks she is a bad person.

1 hour ago, Kirstoski said:

I am a bad person for the hurt I've brought my boyfriend. Thats how I feel.

It is no different really than any other woman who has been "cheating" on her bf from day one and who has decided to come clean.

October 1, 2020

1 hour ago, Kirstoski said:

He messaged me asking to meet tomorrow evening as we needed to talk about things. I agreed to meet. He then asked if I've eaten, I said I've had bits. He replied he'll get us some food to eat whilst we talked.

I really don't know how to prepare for it. Surely if he is going to dump me he wouldn't feed me? or am I reading too much in to it.

I think you're reading too much into it. My take is that he certainly cares about you so wanting to make sure you're not going hungry doesn't indicate one way or the other what his intentions are.

He is still trying to make sense of all of this, too, so you might need to be prepared for a lot of mixed emotions from him as well. He's just had the rug pulled out from under him and he's trying to reconcile the real you with the woman he thought he knew. He's probably going back and forth in his own mind between still being emotionally attached to the version of you he knew, and feeling terribly hurt and betrayed by the revelations. Like many who find out their partners have cheated on them, they sometimes just want to cling to the old times when they were happy and life seemed great. He's got the added burden of finding out this is actually your job and it's been going on for years. I would imagine he's got several questions for you as he processes this, regardless of whether not he wants to break up.

See what he has to say. Answer honestly. Let the chips fall where they may.

October 1, 2020

Thank you for everyones replies. I will take tomorrow as it comes.

I have a question and I need your opinions on.

If he asks me if I was attacked do I need to tell him? because was more than physical if you understand what I'm saying? I don't think I could talk about it.

October 1, 2020

2 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

Strange few messages from the boyfriend

He messaged me asking to meet tomorrow evening as we needed to talk about things. I agreed to meet. He then asked if I've eaten, I said I've had bits. He replied he'll get us some food to eat whilst we talked.

Just go and see what happens. All you can do. Do not self flagellate. Simply talk about plans to improve your life.

October 1, 2020

34 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

Thank you for everyones replies. I will take tomorrow as it comes.

I have a question and I need your opinions on.

If he asks me if I was attacked do I need to tell him? because was more than physical if you understand what I'm saying? I don't think I could talk about it.

My answer: only if you feel you should or want to. It might be something you choose not to discuss. Or tell him you don't want to discuss. You are under no compulsion to discuss or disclose that to him.

October 1, 2020

6 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

- I know......like lie, cheat, steal, and otherwise hurt people and be a menace to society.

I'm not buying the excuses. Two wrongs don't make a right.

What are you talking about?

October 1, 2020

You can't change your past, so what's done is done. Life is changing for you, so you will simply have to learn to navigate, and adjust to finding an education, job, etc. Learn as you go, and go forward the best you can. You will figure it out. BTW stop beating yourself up. If he can't accept the news, then oh well, there will be someone else for you.

Edited October 1, 2020 by smackie9

October 1, 2020

I have been looking at courses. I've requested to enroll on a customer service course which I saw on my local councils site.

However I know most won't care. I found this free course and signed up. I know its not a national qualification but its my first certificate with my name on saying I passed something! It won't let me post a pictuere, but in my eyes its the most beautiful certificate ever!

October 1, 2020

https://www.swarmcollective.org/ says this https://www.swarmcollective.org/what-we-stand-for

We recognise sex work as work.

and

We believe that if you want fewer women to do sex work, you have to focus on expanding women’s options, not criminalising them for doing what they have to do to survive. We are feminists, but we denounce the carceral feminism* which seeks to take away our livelihood and our survival.

( *That means people like moral crusaders who see women as simply victims, disempowering them in another way )

1 hour ago, Kirstoski said:

If he asks me if I was attacked do I need to tell him? because was more than physical if you understand what I'm saying? I don't think I could talk about it.

Then say something like 'I'm not ready to talk about that'.

Is this the first time you've ever talked to anyone about your work?

Anyone who wants to change their life it's a process. Break it down so it's not overwhelming.

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