I have really messed up

[Kirstoski]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 11 months and I needed to tell him my job. I hear you say "Thats not too bad just do it."

Well, I was escort (I paid all tax as a self employed person and it is legal here in the UK). When I finished school. I had no GCSEs to talk of, my parents threw me out at GCSE results time, I got on a cooking apprenticeship and whilst I was doing that I needed money, a friend introduced me to escorting  and well I started earning good money. Dropped off my cooking course and been doing this for 10 years. The majority of clients were lovely/nice but I met my current boyfriend on a night out. He just knows I'm a personal assistant. I've fallen for him though and he has fallen for me but not knowing the whole truth. I needed to come clean. My mind was going crazy not telling him. 

I have applied to study at the open university to escape this career,  I know my job is my choice, I've previously tried leaving it so many times but with no formal qualifications employers don't want to know. Even a supermarket turned me down! I am job hunting currently too.

I had lunch with him on Monday and I told him. He told me he needs time to think and he will be in touch soon. I've really messed up. I know I misled him. I know I'm a horrible person I tried telling him 6 months ago but backed out because I got scared. 

He did text me saying "Because you've quit working. Are you going to struggle for rent or are you going to be homeless soon? Regardless of what happens between us (don't take this as me deciding anything) I don't want to see you on the streets"

Any help/advice/anything is much appreciated.

Edited September 30, 2020 by Kirstoski

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 11 months

I had lunch with him on Monday and I told him.

He did text me saying "Because you've quit working. Are you going to struggle for rent or are you going to be homeless soon? Regardless of what happens between us (don't take this as me deciding anything) I don't want to see you on the streets"

You did what you thought you had to do to survive. Let him process, it's good you told him. He seems concerned. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you have done all you can at this point, OP. 

The rest is up to him. I would give him the space he needs to think this through and decide if he wants to continue

[schlumpy]

If your boyfriend came to me for advice and without knowing you, I would tell him to run.

I would tell him to run because your ability to sleep with strangers creates a higher risk that you will cheat on him during a long term relationship. It's not written in stone, but your ability to compartmentalize your actions reminds me of people who claim their affairs have nothing to do with their marriage or SO. They are two different things with one being outside the other. It's a mindset that you have had lots of practice with.

He would be at your mercy.

If he says yes, I hope your finest quality is loyalty.

Good luck

[Erik30]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did what you thought you had to do to survive. Let him process, it's good you told him. 

I would agree with you if she only did it for a short while, but this was 10 years... Sorry but it would be a deal breaker for me 

[DarrenB]

As you've said yourself, your job selection is your choice and you grew to become comfortable in a field that a lot of people would turn a blind eye towards it. 10 years is an awfully long time to be in that field of work on a constant basis.

The ball is quite obviously in his court at this point, so remain hopeful but don't become too reliant on receiving a positive response from him.

In the meantime, continue focusing on landing a new job. There's various low-end/mid-tier supermarkets recruiting here in the UK like Farmfoods, Lidl, Aldi (if you haven't tried them already, depending in the area you're located in) that regularly take on people that don't have formal qualifications, just so long as you're literate and fluent in English. 

Failing that apply for a warehouse job at Amazon or with a local agency. There's always jobs available and open to EVERYONE in this sector, especially during the pandemic.

[Kirstoski]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You did what you thought you had to do to survive. Let him process, it's good you told him. He seems concerned. 

Thank you I'm not saying what I did was right, I did what I needed to do to survive as you say.

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you have done all you can at this point, OP. 

The rest is up to him. I would give him the space he needs to think this through and decide if he wants to continue

I know. I hate that choice I had to make. I couldn't get government assistance or anything. I've give him the space he needs I just worry I have lost him.

8 hours ago, schlumpy said:

If your boyfriend came to me for advice and without knowing you, I would tell him to run.

I would tell him to run because your ability to sleep with strangers creates a higher risk that you will cheat on him during a long term relationship. It's not written in stone, but your ability to compartmentalize your actions reminds me of people who claim their affairs have nothing to do with their marriage or SO. They are two different things with one being outside the other. It's a mindset that you have had lots of practice with.

He would be at your mercy.

If he says yes, I hope your finest quality is loyalty.

Good luck

I totally get what you are saying. I have to say that line work was a lot easier when I was single. I had boyfriends off and on. I never have had one as serious as my current boyfriend. I know it doesn't change anything. Whilst I've been with my current boyfriend, there has been chemistry, I have fallen head over heals in love with him. Whilst I was working (and I just want to add it wasn't client after client not that it makes much difference) I hated seeing clients I felt so dirty afterwards. I hated the meet. I hated everything. I felt so used by them. A catalyst of me leaving that career was being beat up by a client for giving "Sub par service". 

7 hours ago, Erik30 said:

I would agree with you if she only did it for a short while, but this was 10 years... Sorry but it would be a deal breaker for me 

I'm not going to defend my choice in anyway. I did what I needed to do and 10 years on I have matured and feel it is not me anymore. Plus being beat up doesn't help!

7 hours ago, DarrenB said:

As you've said yourself, your job selection is your choice and you grew to become comfortable in a field that a lot of people would turn a blind eye towards it. 10 years is an awfully long time to be in that field of work on a constant basis.

The ball is quite obviously in his court at this point, so remain hopeful but don't become too reliant on receiving a positive response from him.

In the meantime, continue focusing on landing a new job. There's various low-end/mid-tier supermarkets recruiting here in the UK like Farmfoods, Lidl, Aldi (if you haven't tried them already, depending in the area you're located in) that regularly take on people that don't have formal qualifications, just so long as you're literate and fluent in English. 

Failing that apply for a warehouse job at Amazon or with a local agency. There's always jobs available and open to EVERYONE in this sector, especially during the pandemic.

I grew comfortable yes, then grew uncomfortable. 10 years is a long time, I applied for just over 2,000 jobs in that time. All go back to having no formal qualifications, A supermarket rejected me. A warehouse rejected me for not being able to "read" because I didn't have an English qualification

 

I've been applying for jobs. I've had a few telephone interviews. Never thought of Amazon we have a warehouse nearby. I'll take a look at Farmfoods. Lidl/Aldi are fully staffed Thank you

[Andy_K]

To have done this for 10 years and keep it from someone you're dating for 11 months... you're lucky all he said was 'he needs time to think'. I think a great many would have taken it less stoically. You've lumped a huge deception on top of a job where the biggest fear for your partner will be a future deception. He seems to genuinely care though, so that's good.

Not much you can do at this point except be as honest as possible with him from this point onwards and see where the cards fall. Make no mistake, if he's not made up his mind yet, he will if he catches you keeping him in the dark about anything from here onwards.

 

Edited October 1, 2020 by Andy_K

[elaine567]

Getting a new job when we are in the middle of a pandemic and when every man and his dog is now being made redundant, is going to be almost impossible.

"Britain's benefits system is bracing for up to four million unemployed in the coming months as the economic fall-out of the COVID crisis accelerates."
https://news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-govt-bracing-for-four-million-unemployed-as-covid-crisis-accelerates-12086451 - Oct 1st 2020

You have no qualifications and no relevant experience either.  10 years as an escort on your CV will not get you a job out-with the sex industry.
It is an employer's market at the moment (if indeed they are hiring), and when there are so many highly qualified and experienced  people looking for jobs then why would they employ you?
I think you are probably stuck being an escort for the time being anyway, unless your bf is willing to support you or you qualify for Universal Credit.
So don't make any promises you can't keep.
I don't really think it would have mattered if you told him 6 months or even 11 months ago, (as regards you being successful in persuading him to stick around) he is either going to accept it or not.

[Maldives]

12 hours ago, Kirstoski said:

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 11 months and I needed to tell him my job. I hear you say "Thats not too bad just do it."

Well, I was escort (I paid all tax as a self employed person and it is legal here in the UK). When I finished school. I had no GCSEs to talk of, my parents threw me out at GCSE results time, I got on a cooking apprenticeship and whilst I was doing that I needed money, a friend introduced me to escorting  and well I started earning good money. Dropped off my cooking course and been doing this for 10 years. The majority of clients were lovely/nice but I met my current boyfriend on a night out. He just knows I'm a personal assistant. I've fallen for him though and he has fallen for me but not knowing the whole truth. I needed to come clean. My mind was going crazy not telling him. 

I have applied to study at the open university to escape this career,  I know my job is my choice, I've previously tried leaving it so many times but with no formal qualifications employers don't want to know. Even a supermarket turned me down! I am job hunting currently too.

I had lunch with him on Monday and I told him. He told me he needs time to think and he will be in touch soon. I've really messed up. I know I misled him. I know I'm a horrible person I tried telling him 6 months ago but backed out because I got scared. 

He did text me saying "Because you've quit working. Are you going to struggle for rent or are you going to be homeless soon? Regardless of what happens between us (don't take this as me deciding anything) I don't want to see you on the streets"

Any help/advice/anything is much appreciated.

That's happened to me in the past but I found out later from a third party she was an escort and it hurt like hell. The other thing is you should have told him upfront because of the health issue he needs to know so he can make an informed decision if you are having sex especially if it's unprotected not saying you have anything but the nature of your work puts you at higher risk of things like sifalous (not sure I spelt that right) genital warts etc. 

[Kirstoski]

7 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

That's happened to me in the past but I found out later from a third party she was an escort and it hurt like hell. The other thing is you should have told him upfront because of the health issue he needs to know so he can make an informed decision if you are having sex especially if it's unprotected not saying you have anything but the nature of your work puts you at higher risk of things like sifalous (not sure I spelt that right) genital warts etc. 

It was never unprotected. I was tested every month

 

Thanks everyone else for your replies. I'm not going to defend what I did. I know what I did is wrong. I have some savings to see me by. So I'm ok at the moment. I'm also looking at doing maths and english courses online.

I know I'm a terrible person I just want to show him I am good.

[Dork Vader]

You've done the right thing by telling him. You do need to give him space to process this, it is a lot to take in and think about. It might not be the end of the relationship. It depends on the type of guy he is and whether or not he thinks he can see beyond it. 

if you have further discussions with him about it. I would just say hey, I was in an impossible circumstance and had no other choice to feed myself. 

if he rejects you, don't let that stop you from moving forward from this chapter in your life. I have met many people who have done similar work for different reasons. They decided they wanted to put an end to that chapter of their lives and move forward. They were able to.. If that's something you want to do, you can as well.

Not to scare you, but protection is not full proof, it just reduces the risk of transmission. I have HSV-2 and I got it using protection. Testing is not 100% accurate either, somethings can take months to show up. My doctor basically told me the HSV blood tests are useless and that I could have had it for years and not known.

Edited October 1, 2020 by Dork Vader

[Dork Vader]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Getting a new job when we are in the middle of a pandemic and when every man and his dog is now being made redundant, is going to be almost impossible.

"Britain's benefits system is bracing for up to four million unemployed in the coming months as the economic fall-out of the COVID crisis accelerates."
https://news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-govt-bracing-for-four-million-unemployed-as-covid-crisis-accelerates-12086451 - Oct 1st 2020

You have no qualifications and no relevant experience either.  10 years as an escort on your CV will not get you a job out-with the sex industry.
It is an employer's market at the moment (if indeed they are hiring), and when there are so many highly qualified and experienced  people looking for jobs then why would they employ you?
I think you are probably stuck being an escort for the time being anyway, unless your bf is willing to support you or you qualify for Universal Credit.
So don't make any promises you can't keep.
I don't really think it would have mattered if you told him 6 months or even 11 months ago, (as regards you being successful in persuading him to stick around) he is either going to accept it or not.

This is just rude and bad advice. You're discouraging a person from trying to improve themselves. If she really wants to, she'll be able to find something. it might take her a while to do and be hard work but she can do it. God forbid you encourage a woman to get out of the sex industry. 

[Ellener]

52 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

I know I'm a terrible person I just want to show him I am good.

What makes you say that? Sure, some people can be judgmental and negative but the same people would be about something whatever you did 'wrong' in their eyes! 

The past is the past and makes you who you are today, you keep making plans do your classes, do good self-care, and be proud to be a survivor of life.

The only 'red flag' in what you write for me would be your self-esteem seems to depend on the success of a relationship, a mistake we all make...there are some lovely Louise Hay videos on YouTube about loving yourself. 

He'll either see what a remarkable being you are or not. I can 

[Erik30]

You don't have to defend your choices in life to anyone, you can do what you want. I was just looking at it from his perspective, this is something I would want to know going in. You don't have to tell someone on the first date, but I would like to have that information before we decide to have sex at least.

I guess now it's just up to him. Some guys won't mind, while others will not be okay with it 

Edited October 1, 2020 by Erik30

[balletomane]

Whereabouts in the UK are you roughly? There are organisations that support women to leave the sex industry and find other work. Even if you're not local to them, they may have contacts in your area.

Getting your maths and English qualifications is a great start. I hope everything goes well for you. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, you've taken some important steps that are valuable for their own sake.

[Wiseman2]

You can't undo the past. All you can do is get out of the life and move forward with another job. Yes, look into support for people getting out of the lifestyle.

Many men won't be ok with this, so don't date for a while. Wait until you have career training and a new job.

[Kirstoski]

35 minutes ago, Dork Vader said:

You've done the right thing by telling him. You do need to give him space to process this, it is a lot to take in and think about. It might not be the end of the relationship. It depends on the type of guy he is and whether or not he thinks he can see beyond it. 

if you have further discussions with him about it. I would just say hey, I was in an impossible circumstance and had no other choice to feed myself. 

if he rejects you, don't let that stop you from moving forward from this chapter in your life. I have met many people who have done similar work for different reasons. They decided they wanted to put an end to that chapter of their lives and move forward. They were able to.. If that's something you want to do, you can as well.

Not to scare you, but protection is not full proof, it just reduces the risk of transmission. I have HSV-2 and I got it using protection. Testing is not 100% accurate either, somethings can take months to show up. My doctor basically told me the HSV blood tests are useless and that I could have had it for years and not known.

I will speak to my doctor. I need to tell her as in the UK GUM clinics are turn up and get tested. They generally don't tell your GP unless they find something.

 

27 minutes ago, Dork Vader said:

This is just rude and bad advice. You're discouraging a person from trying to improve themselves. If she really wants to, she'll be able to find something. it might take her a while to do and be hard work but she can do it. God forbid you encourage a woman to get out of the sex industry. 

I am trying my hardest but I will take any job offered to me.

13 minutes ago, Ellener said:

What makes you say that? Sure, some people can be judgmental and negative but the same people would be about something whatever you did 'wrong' in their eyes! 

The past is the past and makes you who you are today, you keep making plans do your classes, do good self-care, and be proud to be a survivor of life.

The only 'red flag' in what you write for me would be your self-esteem seems to depend on the success of a relationship, a mistake we all make...there are some lovely Louise Hay videos on YouTube about loving yourself. 

He'll either see what a remarkable being you are or not. I can 

Because I am in love with someone and was doing that line of work. I just felt like everytime a client was kissing me or whatever a bit of me was dying and I just kept thinking of my boyfriend. and just how disappointed he would be in me.

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, Dork Vader said:

You're discouraging a person from trying to improve themselves.

I never said she should not try to improve herself
Yes, studying  Maths and English is a great start.

BUT being realistic. 4 million unemployed is not something to be glossed over with platitudes and "You are bound to get a job"...
She has chosen one of the worst times in history to throw herself onto the jobs market with no proper CV and no qualifications.
With any savings of greater than £16000 she will not be entitled to Benefits either. 

[Dork Vader]

5 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

I will speak to my doctor. I need to tell her as in the UK GUM clinics are turn up and get tested. They generally don't tell your GP unless they find something.

 

I am trying my hardest but I will take any job offered to me.

Because I am in love with someone and was doing that line of work. I just felt like everytime a client was kissing me or whatever a bit of me was dying and I just kept thinking of my boyfriend. and just how disappointed he would be in me.

What ever you do, don't give up. I think it's amazing that you're trying to change your situation and improve your life. There will be difficulties, there will be set backs.. But you can move forward from this if you really want to... I'm sorry you were put into such a difficult position especially at a young age. 

[Kirstoski]

30 minutes ago, balletomane said:

Whereabouts in the UK are you roughly? There are organisations that support women to leave the sex industry and find other work. Even if you're not local to them, they may have contacts in your area.

Getting your maths and English qualifications is a great start. I hope everything goes well for you. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, you've taken some important steps that are valuable for their own sake.

I've spoken to various services where I am. When I was attacked one councillor implied it was part of the job. When I'm ready I'll talk to my doctor. I do feel I might need some counselling down the line. I am not ready yet

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't undo the past. All you can do is get out of the life and move forward with another job. Yes, look into support for people getting out of the lifestyle.

Many men won't be ok with this, so don't date for a while. Wait until you have career training and a new job.

Thank you. I am trying to move on

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I never said she should not try to improve herself
Yes, studying  Maths and English is a great start.

BUT being realistic. 4 million unemployed is not something to be glossed over with platitudes and "You are bound to get a job"...
She has chosen one of the worst times in history to throw herself onto the jobs market with no proper CV and no qualifications.
With any savings of greater than £16000 she will not be entitled to Benefits either. 

Thank you for your comments, staying in the industry I was in wasn't healthy neither. I have savings to see me by and when they run out I'll either have a job or will claim UC

[Kirstoski]

21 minutes ago, Dork Vader said:

What ever you do, don't give up. I think it's amazing that you're trying to change your situation and improve your life. There will be difficulties, there will be set backs.. But you can move forward from this if you really want to... I'm sorry you were put into such a difficult position especially at a young age. 

Thank you. Its hard not having any family to fall back on. I have been on my own and it has been hard. I have tried talking to my parents and they just blanked me. One time they told me I am no longer their problem. 

Its hard and I really badly want to be the best I can be. 

[Mystery4u]

Are you saying that after you met your boyfriend, started a relationship, you actually carried on working as an escort? And didn't tell him?

If you had stopped when you met him I would have sympathy.. but if you just carried on not saying anything... that's just pure selfishness on your part. No sympathy whatsoever. If that's the case he should be breaking up with you if he has any self worth himself.

[Fletch Lives]

Oh, wonderful.........lets just increase the chance of disease for money. Some people will do anything for money.

[balletomane]

2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Oh, wonderful.........lets just increase the chance of disease for money. Some people will do anything for money.

Yes, kids in poverty will do a lot for money, because they need it to eat.

You might not realise it, but British students sit their GCSE exams at sixteen. So that's when this poster started to fend for herself. The cooking apprenticeship she was on won't have paid a salary, because the school leavers' apprentice schemes here work on the assumption that the apprentices are still living at home and don't have any rent to pay. If you are a teenage girl estranged from your parents and struggling to make enough to live, which is far more common than it should be, then it probably does seem like a relief when a friend offers to get you into an escort agency.

Some people here are probably going to say that she should have just contacted social services, but that's the logic of adults. At-risk teens don't necessarily think like that, especially not if they still feel loyal to their family or they believe themselves to be at fault for their parents refusing to care for them. They'd rather find a way to manage on their own. This is how so many teenage girls get sucked into the sex industry in the first place - it looks like a short-term solution, but once they're in they discover it isn't easy to get out again.

OP, when I recommended looking for services to help, I didn't mean counselling. I was thinking more of practical support with finding employment. I think Basis in Leeds help with things like that, and if you email them they may know of similar support near you. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a counsellor, and I hope things improve for you from here.